May 24, 2010 | 12:05 pm

I Got Your Real Real Housewives Right Here

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I watch all the Real Housewives shows on Bravo.  Not only do I watch them, I love them.  It’s fascinating to look into another people’s lives, especially when there are aspects of those lives that are appealing.  I think most people watch, envious of the ease in which these women’s lives are lived.

It’s been a drama packed season for the ladies of New Jersey, and New York City.  I’ve been blogging about them, and over the weekend my son asked me, “Mom, would you want their money, if it meant you had to have their problems too?”  It took me about one second to answer.  No.

I have a lot in common with quite a few of the ladies.  I am divorced, finding myself, raising a child alone, in my forties, trying to be a mom, and remember that I’m also a woman.  That’s where it stops.  My life is leaps and bounds better than theirs.

Here are five reasons why those ladies have a television show, while me and my friends don’t.  This is what my weekend looked like.  Does this look like it could be a reality show on Bravo?

1) I had a date with a man who would not stop picking his teeth.  Would not stop.  First it was with a toothpick, that he happened to have in his pocket.  Then it was with a knife.  Then it was with the wrapper from a piece of gum, folded up.  Not only was he picking his teeth, but at one point he used the knife to scratch his ear. 

2) My son thinks that if he leaves his clothes on the floor, while he sleeping, the clothes fairy will appear.  She will sort out what is clean and what is dirty.  She will fold everything and put it in his closet, or place them nicely in the hamper.  At 14, he does not believe in the tooth fairy, or the Boogie Man, but he is certain that the clothes fairy does in fact exist, and he is on her nightly route.

3) I went this weekend to buy groceries, and do some errands.  Coming out of Rite Aid, a homeless man asked me for help.  I put down my bags, and got a dollar out of my wallet, and gave it to the man.  He took it, and responded, “You just bought 4 bags worth of stuff, and all you can give me is a dollar?”  In a city where a cleaning lady drives a Lexus, and a 16 year old has a Benz, is it cool when homeless people complain when someone gives them a dollar?

4) My son’s cat, Fiddles, is the best cat ever.  I just adore her and she is a part of our family.  I think she talks to dead people.  At night, every night, she walks around the apartment, having a conversation.  She talks, stops as if she is listening to an answer, then talks again.  She goes on the balcony, sits down on a chair, and has a chat with someone, or something. There might be a ghost in my home, which is friendly with my cat.

5) The places I went shopping this weekend are as follows:  Old Navy ($1 flip flops!), Ralphs, Rite Aid, Payless Shoes, DSW, and Ross.  I bet the ladies of New York City have never even heard of these fabulous shopping places.  I think if Jill Zarin stepped into a Ross, she would break into hives, and have to go to St. Barts to recuperate from the trauma. 

If that does not have Bravo Reality Gold written all over it, I don’t know what does.  It’s not fascinating to see how these women live.  What is very interesting however, is knowing that they married into these lives.  Jill and the Countless are the best.  You married well ladies.  That’s all you did.  You both need a reality check.  The reason you are so unattractive, is because you have forgotten where you came from, and are buying into the labels and hype, that you have created.

I’m guessing that the Real Real Housewives of the San Fernando Valley is never going to be a show on Bravo.  I’m guessing that Jill and Countless will never shop at Ross or Payless.  I’m guessing that I will never marry for money.  I’m guessing that if given the opportunity to swap places, I would say no.  By guessing, of course I mean I would totally swap for one day, but only if it was the day they go shopping, and their husbands are out of town.

On this fabulous Monday morning I need to do laundry, clean the apartment, go to the grocery store to get all the things I forgot, figure out a nice way to tell the tooth picker I don’t want to see him again, be the clothes fairy for my kid’s room, change the kitty litter, find time to wash my hair, get a car wash, and check my lottery tickets.  That all screams Bravo to me.

I will be watching The Real Housewives this week.  Even with all the money, luxury homes, fabulous clothes, divine shoes, and no financial worries, none of their kids can stand them.  I may not have what they have, but I have what they want.  My kid loves me, enjoys my company, and will be seen in public with me.  I am counting my blessings, and keeping the faith.