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Clooney, Andy Cohen, JDate, Bethany Frankel, Wendy Williams, Sarah Palin, Jesse James & Playboy

by Ilana Angel

April 1, 2010 | 12:39 pm

George Clooney tracked me down through the Jewish Journal, and called this morning.  He let me know that he loves me, thinks I am stunning, reads my blog everyday, and wants to marry me.  He is converting to Judaism, having my name tattooed on his chest, and naming his home in Italy, Villa Ilana.

Andy Cohen called today to let me know that he is not gay.  He has finally come to terms with the fact that he is desperately in love with me, and wants to make me a real housewife of New York City, by marrying me.  He is finally free, and wants to change his last name to Angel when we get married.

JDate is now implementing a screening process for their members.  They will check to make sure you are really divorced, and not just separated. They will personally measure you, so that if you are 5’6” you can’t list your height as 5’10”.  They now require all members to pass a lie detector test.

Bethany Frankel is mortified that she did not invite Jill Zarin to her wedding last weekend.  She feels so bad about it, she is naming her baby Jill.  Even without knowing the sex of the baby, she is going to call him/her Jill.  She is going to have Jill photoshopped into her wedding photos and video to ease her guilt.

The View will begin next season with a 6th co-host.  ME!  Barbara Walters read my blog, and felt it was time to have another perspective on the show, so she asked me to be a co-host.  I will sit between Whoopi and Joy, and there are no restrictions on what I am able to say.

Wendy Williams has hired me to be a part of her show and website.  I will write for her website, and Skype into the show once a week to chat about what is going on in Hollywood.  She is setting me up with her hot Jewish lawyer, and will be maid of honor at my wedding.

Playboy has asked me pose for their June issue, and appear on the cover.  They think it’s time for a woman with real curves, and a sexy Jewishness, to be a bunny.  They will do an interview to talk about my marriage, and I will announce who it is that I am marrying, from all my offers.

Jesse James has entered into rehab for sex addiction.  In an attempt to show the world he is really sorry, he is having the following statement tattooed on his face:  I am a lying, cheating pig who sleeps with skanky whores and Sandra is a saint who had no choice but to dump my ass.

Sarah Palin has asked me to be a part of her reality television show about Alaska.  I will be the funny girlfriend who is visiting from the big city.  Mayhem will ensue as I refuse to eat a moose, search Wasilla for a Jewish man, and break the propellers on all helicopters in the area.

Happy April Fools Day!  It’s a crazy day full of pranks and jokes.  Do not believe everything you read, and don’t online date today, because everyone can lie, and use April Fools as an out, so watch your back.  Love your kids, help a stranger, laugh, think positive, and keep the faith.

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