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Gene Simmons & His Tongue on a Condom - Every Jewish Mother’s Dream!

by Ilana Angel

March 12, 2011 | 8:21 am

I am sure that Gene Simmons’ mother is proud of him.  He is a good Jewish kid who followed his dreams and ended up with fame and fortune.  While I’m sure she loves his long-time girlfriend and their two kids, there must be a tiny part of her that is disappointed he didn’t settle down with a Jewish girl.

Any bad feelings she may have felt must now be completely forgiven.  What could he have done to inspire such forgiveness and love from his mother?  He is putting his face on a condom!  As a Jewish mother, I can tell you that nothing would make me prouder of my son than his face on a condom.

Gene Simmons is the king of marketing and branding his name and likeness.  You can find KISS on just about anything and I am surprised it took him this long to break into the condom market.  Perhaps “break” is not a word you want associated with condoms, but you know what I mean.

A company called Graphic Armor Inc. is releasing new “Picture Condoms”.  They meet all FDA requirements and claim to be the first to feature full-color images right on the latex. The first set of condoms will be branded with the rock band Kiss, and show Simmons’ tongue in all it’s glory.

The condoms will cost $7.99 for a package of 3.  Really?  Are people going to pay 8 bucks for 3 condoms?  An even more interesting question is who exactly are these people?  Is there a man who will be able to maintain arousal with Gene Simmons and his tongue staring up at him?

We are all aware of the tremendous gift Mr. Simmons’ mouth has been blessed with and I would be lying if I said I was not curious and frankly excited at the possibility of coming in contact with it, but when I said I’d like to “give that a go”, I can assure you I was not talking about a condom.

Gene, we all know you are a branding whore, and good for you!  You have kept yourself and your band front and center for decades after you began, but condoms?  Really?  There is now officially nothing in the world that cannot be purchased with your face on it.  Mazel Tov.

A man is a serious KISS fan to be able to perform sexually with Simmons right there in the mix, and a girl is bold to ask her man to wrap it up with Gene’s tongue.  It’s weird and I’m going to pass.  That said, if Gene doesn’t do it for you, Paul Stanley will be coming in summer.

The sexual innuendos in this piece are never ending and if I were having a drink I’d be having a field day.  Gene must really need the money to put his face on another man’s penis, so God Bless him.  Jewish mothers are telling their sons they can achieve anything, just look at Gene!

To be honest, while I am 100% certain I will not use this product, I will be buying it out of pure curiosity.  I will buy it, marvel at it, laugh at it, and then toss it.  By toss it of course I mean save it.  Will my son ever put his face on a condom?  No.  But just in case, I’m keeping the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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