Jewish Journal

Fever + Aches + Sneezing = a Fine Line Between Alone and Lonely

by Ilana Angel

October 2, 2010 | 7:26 pm

I woke up with a fever, aching body, and an insane amount of sneezing.  It came out of nowhere and I’m hoping it will pass just as quickly.  I never get sick.  I mean I get sick of course, but not that often.  I simply won’t allow it.  It’s hellish when a single mom is sick.

I have no energy and cannot get comfortable.  I want some tea but don’t want to make it.  I want some soup but can’t imagine it will taste good.  I want someone to take care of me but am alone, laying in bed, grateful my son is out with his friends, and sad I am alone.

I never feel sorry for myself.  I feel blessed to live the life I do.  I am happy every day I am able to be the mother to my delicious child.  I love my home, my friends, my family and my work.  It’s on the rare occasion that I get sick, when I feel sorry for myself.

I like being alone.  I like to read, enjoy the quiet, meditate and walk.  Being alone allows me to clear my head, connect with myself and with God.  It is when I am sick, that I clearly distinguish the difference between being alone and being lonely.  When you are alone and sick, it’s quite lonely.

I don’t ever want my son to feel like he needs to take care of me. It is my job, and profound pleasure to take care of him.  I love it when my mother takes care of me.  Even as an adult just being near her makes me feel better.  I hope my son feels that way about me too.

I would love to have a significant other and have him walk into my room right now with a cup of tea.  I would also like him to look like George Clooney.  My head is getting foggy.  I’m not well.  I’m going to medicate, try to sleep, and pray I wake up feeling better.

I hope I am back to my healthy self tomorrow.  I want to wake up with a clear mind that allows me to embrace being alone and not feeling lonely.  Being sick sucks.  Luckily feeling better does not require a boyfriend, only the ability to keep the faith.

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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