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Jewish Journal

Dating & Sex in Your 40’s

by Ilana Angel

October 17, 2011 | 8:17 am

I had dinner on Saturday night with my friend Anjelica.  Next year we will celebrate our 20th anniversary, and I love her.  I don’t think there is a person on the planet that knows more of my secrets, dreams, and fears. She is the keeper of my stories, and my longest love affair.

We got together for dinner and shoe shopping which was great because she’s been traveling for work, and visiting her daughter at college, so we needed to catch up.  As we sat together at a popular and very busy restaurant in the valley, we started to see a date night pattern forming.

Anjelica’s dating life is much different from mine.  She prefers to date men much younger than her, and does not want to get married.  She does not have a need to be with someone all the time, and prefers a relationship with space so she can live her own life separate from being a couple.

There were a lot of older men out for dinner with younger women.  Some of the men were attractive, and some not so much.  All of the men however, were out with attractive women, and all of those women were younger than the men.  So much younger, that we noticed.

We did not see any younger men with older women.  There were a few men out on their own but they were glued to baseball reacps on the bar television.  Then there was Anjelica and me, looking around and trying to figure out how the hell dating worked in your 40’s.

There was one man in particular, who was in his 70’s, and somewhat frail, who was out with a gorgeous woman who had so much work done it was impossible to know her age, but I guess somewhere between 30 and 60.  She was beautiful, and he needed a nurse.  How does that work?

At 45, men my age are married or dating 20 year olds, younger men want kids, and older men are not attractive to me, so who am I supposed to date?  How did this happen?  What do women do when they wake up one day and realize they are ready to date, but there is nobody to date?

I spoke with my friend Danielle over the weekend and she is having the same issues as I am.  She is 44, living in Vancouver, super smart, very beautiful, and not having any dating luck.  She dates, and truly makes an effort to meet men, but so far nothing.  Why is this happening?

I went out with Rachel today doing some leg work for her wedding this coming summer, and we spoke to a store owner who told us that the only reason men get married is to have someone take care of them, and if they can take care of themselves, a wedding is out.

I told him I was alone and looking, and he told me alone was good.  He went on to say that if I had a list of things I was looking for in a man, and that man was not looking for me, then the list did not matter and I should find a way to enjoy being alone, incase that is where my path leads.

Assuming he is right, and being alone is how my life plays out, does that mean I will never find my beshert, or that I will never have sex again?  If it’s about sex, then I am pissed at my parents for raising me to be a lady, because casual sex might be my only option, and it’s not an option.

My friend Dani is not into having sex with anyone she is not in love with at this stage of her life, and I’m on the same page really.  Sex is easy, and as great as it can be, having it mean nothing is hurtful so it’s easier to just not bother.  It turns out slutty chicks have got it made.

It’s not even about being slutty as much as it is about being open.  Open to an active sex life is a great thing, and in your 40’s, apparently a necessity, which means I might need to get another cat.  Being alone is not bad, but being lonely, not so much.  Life is meant to be shared.

The question is who do we share it with?  I have my friends, family, cat, and beautiful child.  I am happy to share my life with them, and one day, if its meant to be, there will be a man in the picture too.  Will he be my husband or a nursing home attendant?  I’m keeping the faith.

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