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June 23, 2010 | 7:48 am

Dating & Religion:  Am I a Bitch for Only Dating Jews?

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I only date Jewish men.  For me, it feels safe and comfortable to be with a Jew.  It is my faith, and regardless of one’s level of Jewish observance, it is important to me to have that bond.  I am raising my son Jewish, and would hope that when he gets married, he will marry a Jewish girl.

Does that mean I hate all people of other religions?  What does it say about someone if they want to marry within their faith?  Is the perception of you worse, if you are a Jew?  When a Christian says they would like their kids to marry someone from their church, is that more acceptable?

When I write about this topic, it is met with interesting comments.  I get criticized, and called a bigot, for not wanting to date someone who is not Jewish.  Just this past week, I was called a reverse anti-Semite for saying that I prefer to date men who are Jewish.

I would feel uncomfortable going to church to worship.  Does that make me a bad person?  I want my son to marry a woman who can carry on our traditions, does that make me horrible?  I really don’t understand the argument that I am unkind and prejudice, for wanting this for myself.

On Monday night I wrote to a man on an online dating site.  His religion was listed as “spiritual, not religious”.  I’m not sure what that means exactly, but in trying to broaden my horizons, and perhaps date outside my faith, I wrote him. I focused on a man who was spiritual, regardless of his faith.

I wrote a short, funny email, and hit send.  Within a minute, I got an automatically generated response saying he felt we were not a match.  It would have been impossible for him to read through my profile so quickly.  I assumed it was because he saw my picture, and was not attracted to me.

I was feeling quite ballsy, so I wrote him another email.  I told him that while I respected his decision to blow me off in a second, I was curious what it was that made him respond so quickly. I was not a bitter stalker, just a singles blogger, who was curious about how the whole thing worked.

He wrote to tell me that while he thought I was attractive, he does not date Jewish women.  Even though he is more spiritual than religious, he would rather date someone who was Catholic, as that was his upbringing, and what he was comfortable with.  I was not hurt, and it actually got us talking.

We ended up emailing back and forth for an hour, and then chatting on the phone for a couple of hours after that.  His name is Dave, and I know he’s reading, so hello Dave.  Dave felt uncomfortable telling me it was religion that made him decide against getting in touch. 

I get it.  Not only do I get it, I was not at all offended.  I did not assume he was an anti-Semite because he does not date Jews.  FYI: He has now changed his profile to say he is Catholic.  No point in saying you are spiritual and not religious, when your religion is going to determine who you will date.

We can say we are open minded, and religion is not that important to us.  We all want to be loved by someone who respects us, and however they choose to worship, will not matter, but that’s not always true.  It matters, and some people care.  Some care more than others, it does not make them bad people.

Dave likes to have a Christmas tree every year, while I would never have a Christmas tree in my home.  Unless we are going to get married, and have two different houses, it would never work.  Dave is considered a solid Catholic for standing by his faith, but I’m a hater for standing by mine.

I wrote last year that I would be disappointed if my son married outside of our faith, and I was slammed.  People wrote to say that I was just like Hitler, for wanting to keep Jews together.  Really?  I think there is a certain harshness that is applied to Jews wanting to marry Jews.

The most mean spirited mail I got was from non-Jewish women who were married, or dating, Jewish men.  They felt that just because I was Jewish, did not mean I was the only woman who could date a Jew.  I didn’t get first crack at Jewish men just because I was a Jew.

I got the most supportive email, from a member of the neo-Nazi movement in Nebraska, who felt that it was my right to marry a Jew, and he hoped, with all his heart, that both my son and I married Jews, and did not mix our “race” with that of another.  Scary.

There are kids dying overseas, fighting to keep us safe.  The golf is a mess, and the oil is spreading far and wide.  A little boy in Oregon is missing.  If we look at the big picture, does my desire to be with someone Jewish really matter?  The only person who should really care, is me.

I love my son, and will love who he chooses to share his life with.  Just because I want him to marry a Jew, does not mean I will disown him, or never speak to him if he marries a non-Jew.  I want him to be happy, and hope I present our faith in a way that he will want that for his own family.

There is a difference between wanting to date within your own faith, because you practice that religion, and not dating outside your faith, because you are not accepting of people who are not just like you.  I respect faith, and admire people who are devoted to it, regardless of how they worship.

I believe in God, and I follow the traditions of Judaism.  I feel strongly that my life is better, and makes more sense, when I put my trust in the hands of something bigger than myself.  Whether you believe in God, Jesus, Allah, or Buddha, having faith, and belief in something, anything, is important to me.

Religion is an easy thing to fight about.  It makes people different, and differences cause a lot friction.  Not all my friends are Jewish, and not all my friends necessarily know that I am Jewish.  I’m just living my life, and hoping to share it with a man who is Jewish.  It’s not a big deal.

I am not a bad person, and I also don’t think Dave is a bad person.  We both have faith, both believe in God, and are both searching for love.  Our goals are solid, our minds are open, are hearts are available, and our intentions are good.  All we need to do now, is keep the faith.  Any faith.

22 Comments — Leave your comment

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If Dave blew you off so fast based on religion, having read your blog, seems clear he was reacting not to the fact that you are Jewish per se, but that you won’t date non-Jewish men, that being Jewish defines your whole identity.  And yes this attitude can seem bigoted - when a white Christian says they’d only date white Catholics or Protestants, and won’t date Jews or Muslims, or Asians, you’d say they’re anti-semites, or racist, right?  A Christian boy or girl who brings home a Jew who gets the cold shoulder from parents who admit they’re uncomfortable with someone who denies Jesus is called anti-Semitic.  But a Jew who refuses to even say the name Jesus or allow their kid to make Christmas trees or crosses or sing Christmas carols in school, is just someone with “sensibilities.”  And have you asked yourself, if like with many Asians, “staying within the culture” is really a buzzword for race?  I’m wondering, would you date an African-American convert to Judaism, or an Ethiopian?

I’m not saying you ARE bigoted, just that it CAN work both ways and you shouldn’t be shocked at what people say.  (Except the ones you compare you to a Nazi.  You have a live and let live attitude, of course.  Just as long as “they” live other than with you.)

Comment by laura on 6/23/10 at 9:37 am

Bravo, Ilana, for another thoughtfully-written piece. I agree with you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to marry within one’s faith.  Jews, regardless of their level of observance, share a unique, collective experience rooted in a common history, culture and religion that only one who is a “member of the tribe” can truly understand.  Just as there are individuals who seek the support and comfort of a group whose members share similar life experiences, i.e. college alumni, war veterans, cancer survivors, so too are there Jews who seek fellowship and connection among their own. This is not an indictment of those who don’t share the collective Jewish experience, but rather a confirmation and celebration of the Jew’s life journey. 

The need to connect to that which is familiar is characteristic of all human beings.

Comment by Talia on 6/23/10 at 10:34 am

I respect your views on religion and dating. But thats why there is an old saying “Never talk about religion and politics” These 2 topics cause a fire storm of problmatic discussions because everyone grew up differently and with different politcal and religious beliefs.
But Ilana, you do have a very fair way of viewing and expressing your beliefs and I respect you for that.
I’ve always told everyone family and friends that “I’m going to love who ever my kids love, despite race, nationality or religion” That works best for me. Ultimately we all want happiness for our children. But I don’t pressure my kids into only crossing the street one way. Life’s experiences will lead your child in the right direction despite what you want. They have to live life for themselves and they will choose who makes them happy.

Comment by @twilighttwitti on 6/23/10 at 11:05 am

Oof! Some tough and touchy questions! First, in the interest of full disclosure, let me state that I am a born-again Christian, not Jewish…in fact, I’m a non-white, born-again Christian.
Okay, here’s what I think some people worry about or are resentful of: the issue of Jewishness, very often, isn’t seen as purely about religion, it is perceived as primarily about ethnicity; in fact, in some people’s minds, it’s MOSTLY about ethnicity - a particular racial grouping with distinctive traditions, of which religion is ‘merely’ a part.
If a devout Hindu were to say they’d only marry a Hindu, folks would let it go (even if reluctantly); the decision - they automatically think - comes from devotion to religious beliefs. When a Jew makes that statement, unless s/he comes across as clearly religious (e.g. Hasidic), folks assume the bias is ethnic, however much religion may actually factor in the person’s conviction. And THAT’S the difficulty. (Hence, the scary assertions of the Neo-Nazi person. It is creepy exactly because he’s making an ETHNIC statement - and delivering an insult at the same time.)
Folks who are uneasy worry about starting down exactly the slippery slope that led to 1930s Germany and the horrors thereafter. If the issue IS ethnic then the worry is justified (and the resentment is understandable). One of the scariest political arguments I have ever read justifying racism was a ‘perfectly reasonable’ argument succinctly presented by the leader of a European far right party, to wit ‘is it wrong to prefer one’s own family over the family next door; and is it wrong if I prefer my own neighbourhood more than other neighbourhoods; and isn’t it reasonable that I would be more loyal to my own village than other villages…’ etc, etc – thereby arriving at a pretty ‘understandable’ and compelling justification to deport non-nationals, and ban immigration of non-whites, among other ‘niceties’.
You can understand the unease if someone thought they were hearing/reading in your comments a camouflaged version of the same polemic.
So, what do you do? I don’t have an answer to that, I’m afraid.  I believe you have every right to desire to preserve your faith.  And I make no apologies for a conviction that you have a particular right because of the expressed view of the One whom you worship.
But it is important that you understand how your comments may be perceived; and, in fact, how those comments and the pursuance of those very values may ironically justify a world which you yourself would not want and which the One whom you worship would not approve of. Remember the neo-Nazi from Nebraska? Weigh carefully how you can affirm your faith without seeming to vindicate and reinforce such elements.
A very long post, I fear; but I truly hope it helps.
Shalom

Comment by Veritie on 6/23/10 at 12:12 pm

Many Gentiles would rather you dated Jews as well. Being Jewish is not just about religion as you would have people believe - Jews have different value systems.

Comment by A Gentile on 6/23/10 at 5:33 pm

Full disclosure:  I know, and am friends with Ilana.  That said, the “passion” her blogs cause in the comments to said blog often surprise me.  That people are SO passionate to a strangers words make me curious about human nature in this new social networking world.  I wonder…why do strangers who don’t know Ilana get so fired up over her adorable daily blog.  She wants to meet someone to spend the rest of her life with, and for that matter, her Son’s.  Who of us doesn’t want our soulmate to be someone who “gets us” at the core?  To do that, must we not share “core values?”  I can’t think of a larger core value than Faith.  As I have previously commented on, as a Christian, the thought of lighting a menorah in my home for days on end in December is silly.  I love candles, but am not a Jew…I have a deep appreciation for the festival of lights, and celebrate it in friends’ homes, but for mine, well, I’d be a hipocrite.
The oil is POURING in the Gulf my friends, second by second EVERY second.  Our Men and Women are in danger while at war….Ilana is a Mom and a Blogger, trying to find her Beshert.  Let’s get a little levity and Keep the Faith!

Comment by MQ on 6/23/10 at 6:57 pm

No, you are not racist for wanting to date in your faith. Trust me, I’ve dated women who were outside my faith (Christian) and it’s very hard to make it work for long. Strongly held beliefs, when not shared by both members of the couple, become a flash point for resentment and hurt. Ultimately, this can prove to haunt a relationship forever.

Christians are admonished in Scripture to marry only other believers, in fact, because of this very issue of unshared beliefs. A marriage that is unequally yoked will cause pain for the couple, not success. I believe that Jewish culture teaches the same.

Comment by Kevin on 6/23/10 at 8:18 pm

Ilana, your blog made me examine my own views about the subject. Jewish identity has and continues to play an important role in our marriage, family life and how we shared our views about our culture and religion beliefs with our daughter.  I was raised with a strong Jewish identity and as an atheist, my husband was brought up in an Orthodox home. As you can imagine, these very different upbringings posed challenges for us and we had to find a way to navigate through these     differences. These can be complex issues and your down to earth, honest take on the subject is well written and thought provoking and completely non-threatening.  And by the way, although you aren’t going to be dating how nice that you found common ground and understanding with Dave

Comment by Lisa Pepper on 6/23/10 at 9:10 pm

I love your blog, especially those entries about the Real Housewives.

I respect your preference to date only Jews.  I date only agnostics or atheists.  However, I wonder why you (and some of your readers) came down so hard the other day on the countless and her former husband because he would be surprised that she was dating a Jew.  That doesn’t make him (nor her) a Jew hater any more than your dating only Jews makes you Catholic or a Muslim hater.

Comment by charlotte on 6/24/10 at 11:47 am

@ Laura:  I have dated an African American Jew.  He was adopted by a Jewish family, was raised Jewish, and is a practicing Jew now.  He is gorgeous and it did not matter that he was black, it mattered that he was Jewish.  His name is David Levy, and he is delicious to this day.  Hi David.  Kiss your gorgeous wife and yummy baby for me.  David married a Jew and he is raising his daughter Jewish because that is his faith, his history, and his belief system, regardless of his color.  I’m not sure you understood what I was trying to say.  My identity is not defined by being Jewish.  I am however, proudly Jewish.

@ Talia:  Thank you!  I’m so glad that someone got it!

@ Veritie:  Thank you for your thoughtful comment.  It’s a shame that so much weight needs to be placed on the subject, and on me for that matter, for voicing my opinion.  I spent many years working in Holocaust education and so perhaps that is where my deep seeded desire to be with a fellow Jew comes from.  It’s about keeping tradition alive.  I have passed my traditions onto my child and I would like him and his wife to pass them on to another generation.  I don’t think there is anything racist, bigoted, and hate inspired about that desire.  So glad you wrote.  Thank you.

@ Twilight:  I always look forward to your opinion.  I love talking about religion and politics!  I too will love whoever my kid loves, but that does not mean I can’t hope that she is Jewish.  I want him to be happy, get married, have babies live a long, healthy and fulfilling life. I will support him in whatever he does, and whoever he does it with.  That said, I hope she is Jewish. grin

@ A Gentile:  I’m not sure what you are saying exactly, and I think that’s probably a good thing.

@ MQ:  It’s all quite fascinating that people care.  Regardless of what people write, I welcome them and am happy they have a place to say what they want to say.  At the end of the day, I’m good, my kid is good, and I will find the love I am looking for.  I am blessed and willing to take the good, the bad, and the crazy.  I love you.  Thanks for having my back.

@ Kevin:  Thanks for writing and sharing.  I agree with you that two different believe systems, make a relationship harder to navigate.  It could be difference of opinion on faith, politics, or child rearing.  Any difference will make it somewhat challenging, but faith can go beyond challenging.

@ Lisa:  That’s quite a history!  Bravo to you for making it work, and respecting each other.  Love is a powerful thing.  I appreciate that you took the time to write, and am glad to hear that you got the blog as it was intended, and were not threatened by it.  As for Dave, if I were offended by his choice to not be with a Jew, I would be a hypocrite.  He is lovely, and I wish him well.

Thanks everyone.

Ilana Angel

Comment by Ilana Angel on 6/24/10 at 12:00 pm

Charlotte,  I do not only date Jews because I hate everyone else.  I don’t hate anyone, or judge them based on what their beliefs are.  I am simply hoping to be with someone who follows the same traditions as I do.  There is a big difference between choosing to be with some who shares your value system, and hating someone who does not share it. 

Ilana

Comment by Ilana Angel on 6/24/10 at 12:15 pm

Ilana, I did not mean to imply that you hate anyone.  I simply pointed out that just because a person is surprised that someone is dating a Jew (or any other culture or religion), it does not make them a Jew hater (as both Countless and her former husband were called).  We all have preferences—based on many different things.

Comment by charlotte on 6/24/10 at 12:51 pm

Charlotte, 

I didn’t mean to imply that you were implying.  Email is hard, and some things are better discussed over a cup of coffee!  For the Jew hating thing with Countless, you need to go back to when Jill and Countless were walking in the park. 

Countless said to Jill then, that the Count would die if he knew she was dating a Jew.  Jill did not act surprised, and it was as if she knew he would be unhappy about it.  Since Jill is a Jew, and Countless and her were so close, particularly, AFTER Countless was dumped, the implication is that the Count is the anti-semetic one.

I think the fact that the rumors are all over the internet, and he has not made a statement about it not being true, we can assume there is some truth there.

Ilana

Comment by Ilana Angel on 6/24/10 at 1:07 pm

Ilana,

Well, you’re the master of all things Real Housewives—and other subjects, too (LOVED the father’s day story with your son).  Thanks for refreshing my memory about the Jill/Countless conversation.  As soon as I finish reading one of your blog entries, I start looking forward to the next one.

Charlotte

Comment by Charlotte on 6/25/10 at 3:53 pm

Fall down to your knees and kiss the holy ground you walk on. Blessed are you young lady.  Enjoy what you have and stop using what can be one of the most dangerous parts of your body that God has blessed your with.  Your brain
Turn it off and use your heart look into the goodness of your life.

Comment by lee on 6/27/10 at 1:51 pm

Wonderful entry!
I, as a devout Catholic would never have dreamed of marrying a non-Catholic.  When my younger brother tells me about any new girl he’s dating my first question, “Is she Catholic?”  My second question, “Does she cook?”  smile
I couldn’t fathom my future children ending up with someone who doesn’t share our same values.  Though non-denominational Christians are still Christians, they are not Catholic.  There is a difference and those differences are what I will teach my children and hope they understand and appreciate.

On the other hand, if my son or daughter brought home a Catholic-loving/accepting Jew…I would feel incredibly blessed!  To come from a culture that understands religion in the same way Catholics do would make my heart sing.  There could only be great things learned on both ends.

Love and blessin’s!

Comment by Jessica on 6/29/10 at 8:15 am

A bitch for only dating jews?  Hmmm…maybe.  A racist?  Definetely!  Thinking you’re better than the rest?  Absolutely!  Believing that you are above and beyond all?  For sure!

Comment by MK Ultra on 7/01/10 at 6:40 am

I very much liked Ilana Angel blog!  I can’t say it better!  I have noticed one think about all the American Jews you meet online if you tell them the exact same thing that Ilana expressed about your religion!  First thing you hear:  You are anti Semitic! 
Judaism is a faith recognized by God of Abraham, Moses, Jesus, Mohammed and all prophets and messengers in between!

For example, the Islamic faith has never or will it ever be anti Judaism or Christianity (Protestants & Catholics) for Allah stated in the Quran that Jews and Christians are the people of the holy books!  Books of the Torah and the Angeel (not Angel), the bible!

A Muslim can’t be Muslim unless he recognizes that the faith of the Jews (Judaism) not the Talmud and the faith of Christians (Protestants/Catholics (Christianity) are sent to them through prophets, Abraham, Moses, and Jesus peace be upon them!
That said, I have noticed online the ignorance that reigns this medium of communication which can bring all of us together believers or non believers which means all of us human beings!  Especially fellow human beings who just want to live and let live!  People who do not force their views or their beliefs on others!

I am so fascinated with what Ilana said!  As I was reading her blog,  I felt that she was talking for me, although I am not Jewish but I am very frustrated with people who discriminate against you or me as soon as they know our faith or background!  I very much relate to Ilana!

I have also visited numerous chat rooms and I get along just fine with everybody but as soon as they find out what your faith all that getting along disappears in a link of an eye! 
I am very comfortable in who I am and I am sure that many stable people are as comfortable because they know deep inside that they are not out there to harm someone!

Yes,  Jews do not recognize Jesus as a son of God or God, period dot!  They also do not recognize Jesus as a prophet or a son of a virgin Mary!  The Jews believe that Jesus is a common man.  He isn’t the son of a Virgin!  In the contrary, they believe that he is an out of wedlock child! On the other hand,  Muslims also do not recognize Jesus as God or a son of God, however, they honor Jesus as a prophet!  In fact, he is #1 prophet in the Islamic faith and Mohammed is the seal of all prophecies in Islam!  Many people think or try to make people think that Muslims believe in Mohammed only! THAT IS NOT TRUE at all!  Mary is recognized by the Muslims as the virgin who gave birth to prophet Jesus therefore he is not the Son of God or God for hee was blown in Mary’s womb by God!

All said, I respect all beliefs of God, the creator,  the agnostics, atheists or man made beliefs. I also have friends from all walks of life!  I get along with people not based on race, religion, politics, or their preference whom they want to date or spend the rest of their lives with!  It is too complex for us to understand how one human being feels or thinks within their own world!  Amazingly enough, we can’t impose on our own children what the future holds for them!

Note:  In Islam women are not allowed to marry any other man but a Muslim man!  Please, do not insinuate that Muslims women are forced by their fathers, uncles, brothers to marry Muslim men!  It is part of the religion to marry Muslim men only, however, Muslim men are allowed to marry the women of the holy book which are Jewish and Christian women (Protestants/Catholics)

People who mix Islam with Terrorism need to read more!  Peaceful and educated Muslims know that Islam is hijacked by AGENDA lovers to serve their interest!!!
Islam never gave men a right to abuse women! This reminds me to mention that there aren’t 72, 720, or 7200 virgins awaiting men in heaven!  Such perverts may meet the virgins in Hell but not heaven, for there in such reward!

God doesn’t consider women as “SEX OBJECTS” as we see in strip clubs, porn, or most businesses today!

Thank you Ilana for giving me the chance to share some of my inner views and I have more for the future!

Comment by Jamie on 7/01/10 at 1:08 pm

@ Jessica - Thank you for your lovely comment.  I really appreciate what you wrote.  Love and blessings to you too!

@ MK -  You make me sad.  Nothing else to say about that.

@ Jamie - I enjoyed reading your comment very much.  Thank you for reading, and sharing your thoughts on the subject.  I hope you will come by again, and continue to comment

Ilana

Comment by Ilana Angel on 7/01/10 at 5:39 pm

I don’t know but I feel religion for jews no matter how much they observe it or not is a big deal. The guy I am currently seeing is jewish, and I am not, I don’t practice any faith in particular, although I was brought up christian and I think he knows that. I have jewish friends that say it most likely doesn’t have a future for this fact alone.
I mean he has a star of david tattoo’d and when ever he see’s a girl with a necklace with hebrew writing on it he points it out and talks to her about it and this makes me feel intimidated. Don’t get me wrong I thing inter-marriges are possible but not every likely in my case. I mean around the holidays which ones do we celebrate, or do we celebrate them both? Idk I guess im just looking for some advice.

Comment by lily on 9/07/10 at 12:56 pm

Lily,
I think you’re right in theory.  No matter what level of observance, it seems to matter.  The thing is, there is a tremendous amount of interfaith marriages with Jews so one could argue that even though we care, we don’t care enough to not marry outside of our faith. 

How long have you been going out with him and how old are you?  Have you discussed it?  Would you convert?  Holidays are hard.  You can celebrate both, and I’ve seen it work, but it takes a lot of work.

If his faith is already making you feel uncomfortable on some levels, that’s something to look at.  Don’t give up just yet, but perhaps you need to talk about it

Comment by Ilana Angel on 9/09/10 at 1:44 pm

I have no problems with Ilana’s opinion.  They reflect a reality of someone wanting to maintain culture, traditions and religion.  My only problem, living in Manhattan, is that the reverse is looked at as being anti-semitic, racist etc..  I’m a practicing Catholic with parents from Ireland.  I go to church often.  I will not date Jewish girls, period.  There are too many differences that creep into the relationship.  I’ve been told by moms of my Jewish friends that having Christian grandchildren would be ‘horrifying.’  When I said that my Irish-speaking Irish parents would think the same, it was considered offensive.  Jewish people need to understand the sentiment that although they are a small minority, it does not give them any right to a free pass for what is essentially bigotry.  Bravo to Ilana as this is a difficult subject.  She’s not a bitch, the forthrightness is what any relationship needs.

Comment by Michael D in Manhattan on 10/10/10 at 2:38 pm

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