June 18, 2012 | 11:31 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I have been divorced for 16 years and in that time I have had two relationships I thought would last forever. One was an actual engagement that ended with my heart broken, and one was with a total douchelord who ripped young. He was my priority, I was building a career, and every second I was my heart out and stomped on it.
Not good at the time, but in retrospect truly divine blessings. I am 46 years old and so my dating life now is much different than when I got divorced at 30. I did not want to be in a relationship when my son was not working I was with him. I was lonely, but I built a solid relationship with him because of those choices.
It’s different for everyone of course, but I never wanted my son to think he was not number one. If I was not dating, I was not leaving him, and having it be just him and me gave him a sense of security. I decided when my son was ready for me to date he would let me know, and he did. When he was 10 he said go on a date, so I did.
When your heart has been broken it changes how you date. I don’t trust myself, I don’t know if I can trust men, and I don’t trust that I will ever be happy. I spend a lot of my time waiting for my heart to be broken which is tragic. I worry about everything, but with time I am hopeful I won’t blow it because I’m scared.
My son has no memory of his parents being together which is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because he never says to me, “Remember when we were a family?” It is a curse because he has often asked, “Why can’t we all be together like a family?” He got the short end of the stick because of the choices his parents made.
I was a teenager when my parents got divorced, and an adult when they got back together. That’s a whole other blog, but I remember the pain of their divorce vividly and the joy of their reconciliation just as much. It was my childhood wish for them to be together and that they were together when my father passed is a blessing.
I was a little sad this week because I allowed myself to see my new and wonderful relationship through the eyes of others and it was hard. For my son, there is peace. It is nice for him to see me happy and with his newfound freedom of having his driver’s license and not needing me as much, he is comforted by my not being alone.
He felt bad when I was alone, resentful of his dad for being happy, and unable to fully embrace the new woman in his father’s life because he felt if he did it would be disrespectful to me. I felt sad that my son was tormented, but if we are going to put it all out there, I was also relived he was on my side and chose me, and that is horrible.
The fact is, when there is jealousy and a broken heart involved, it makes women crazy. I was jealous my ex found love first, and jealous another woman was living the life I thought we would have. My heart was broken that my son did not have a home with two loving parents, and broken that I could not make my marriage work.
I am a worrier and the truth is there is not a lot to worry about in my new relationship. We are good together. We laugh, share, and have great physical and emotion chemistry. He is unlike any man I have ever dated, and not really my type, which proves I wasted a lot of time with the wrong type. He may be my Beshert.
I have been here before and was crushed. There is no guarantee it will last so I need to not worry about it. We will be whatever we are supposed to be, for as long as we are supposed to be, and that must be enough. I cannot worry about what is out of my control. I can only love all involved in a way that makes them happy.
If I continue my relationships with the ghosts of past relationships in the way, I will never have peace and never relax enough to enjoy what is happening. I am happy. Truly happy in a way I have not allowed myself to be before because I have been guided by a broken heart, not a loving heart. I must choose hope over fear.
I don’t want to look back on my life and wish I had been brave. I want to be brave now. I want to love with an open heart, ensure everyone feels secure, and know that when the man I have fallen in love with tells me he loves me, I can believe him. I am scared but hopeful, worried but happy. I am also, above all else, keeping the faith.
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