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Dating 101:  The Charity Pity Date

by Ilana Angel

July 16, 2013 | 4:14 pm

I recently wrote about the “Vegetarian”. We met for a movie and he decided he was going to turn it into a date.  He specifically told me it was a date, and he sealed it with a kiss.  When I wrote him this week to make plans to see him again, he told me he is actually dating someone. Was he dating her when he took me out. Was he dating her when he kissed me. Was he dating her when he said he wanted to see me again, and hoped there would be groping? Yes.

He reads my blogs, and from what I can gather, he felt sorry for me, having been hurt by love and a series of bad dates, so he asked me out more out of pity than any real interest. While I appreciate after reading my column he felt I needed a good date, I do not understand why he lied. I wonder what the woman he is dating would think about his time with me. He said he was sorry he misled me and did not mean to hurt my feelings.  Total and complete crap if you ask me.

Was the goal to throw me a bone? Humiliate me? Get written about? Worse than being some kind of charity date, he told me that I would hate him now, but when my broken heart felt better, I would know he did a good thing.  Really?  My heart was never in it putz.  There was no room on the date for my heart because your ego was taking up too much space. I will never understand how men get by when they are so stupid. To be an asshole on top of stupid must be challenging.

It is touching when people write to say my column moved them somehow. We are all in this together, so when my voice expresses feelings and experiences for more than myself, it is rewarding.  I hear from people who feel my pain, and it is hearing their stories that gives me strength. Strength as a mother,  woman, and writer.  I have never shied away from sharing my life because my stories matter and my readers have become witnesses to my life.

In sharing my joy and sorrow I am rewarded with great love. I am searching for love in my personal life, and in writing I am given love through my professional life, which happens to be very personal. I appreciate and value all my readers.  For a man to read and feel sorry for me is touching, but to take me out as a favor, to pity me, or think I need a charity date is more about his ego than mine.  The truth is that the vegetarian is a pig who thinks rather highly of himself.

I'm a little embarrassed that I didn't see what he was doing.  Feeling rather humiliated that my sharing evoked pity.  Angry that I believed anything he said. Grateful that this schmuck showed his true colors before I invested any time or emotion.  He turned it into a date, and in doing so set me up for pain, humiliation and embarrassment. I am just trying to move on and it is difficult when rather than respect me, people like this man decide to be purposefully horrible.

I know I am fabulous and I know one day I will wake up and it won’t hurt anymore. While I may have lost my footing, I am still standing. I am a decent human being and in the end the Vegetarian is not.  In trying to make himself a hero, he knocked me back two steps and not only am I pissed off, but my feelings are hurt.  Bravo dumbass. I feel sad for the woman he is dating, sad for him, and grateful I can laugh at it all, have a bottle of tequila at home, and still able to keep the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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