I try to always take the high road but the truth is the high road can suck. There is no satisfaction in taking it when you are hurt. I consider myself one who travels it often, but when someone is hurt, mad, or sad, the high road brings no real comfort. Perhaps if the high road came with some really good pot it might make us feel better, but when it is just a simple road with no real high, it's just a road with no view.
Today I found out the Englishman is taking his new girlfriend to London. It has not been been that long since he took me and my son to England to meet his family, and for some reason I found the news upsetting. We are not friends and of course he should take this woman home. Why then, do I find it sad? More importantly, why couldn’t I just be happy to have dodged that bullet? There is no reason I should care about this.
I read the message he was taking her at the same time I was on a call to a man I am interested in. We have been getting to know each other and I really like him, yet due to some unfortunate timing, when we were speaking I blurted out that I could not believe my ex was taking this woman to England. Who talks about an ex with someone you are just getting to know? I broke the most basic of dating rules and I am mortified.
We were to meet for lunch and he ended up cancelling. While the two things could be unrelated, I went home and cried. I cried because the Englishman turned out to be a schmuck, and I cried because I allowed my hurt feelings to say something stupid to a man that has been wonderful and a real breath of fresh air. I find myself feeling quite broken, which is stupid because the power to be hurt and the choice to cry is mine.
I am strong 99% of the time and today I was weak. I have moved on and perhaps the reaction came more from fear than pain, but either way I really hope I have not sabotaged myself. I did not take the high road today. I lashed out at the Englishman. After no contact in forever, I was unkind. I wanted to hurt him for not loving me the way I loved him, but he lied and cheated so he was unworthy of me and it needed to end.
If I am going to be completely honest with myself, and you, it is my ego that is bruised more than my heart. I believed he thought I was special and in the end she is now special. Less charming and attractive, but still special. We all have demons that live on from past relationships and I am good at keeping mine at bay, but those bastards came out today. My ego got hurt, I was shocked, and am now disappointed in my inablility to take the high road.
I embarrassed myself today. Twice. I was mean to a man whose opinion I could not care less about, and I said something stupid to a man whose opinion matters to me. The heart is complicated, and today mine was an ass. Bless her. I was given an opportunity to take the high road and opted to take a different path. Live and learn. I will forgive myself, apologize to others, turn towards to the high road, and keep the faith.
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