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Jewish Journal

Dating 101: “Why Are You Single?”

by Ilana Angel

May 7, 2013 | 7:41 pm

I never like it when men ask me why I am single, yet I recently asked a man that very question.  It is an odd question and should never be asked, except when discussing your love life with a therapist. There are only two ways to answer it, and both ways are never going to be good.  If you lie, which the question begs you to do, you will forever be a liar, and if you tell the truth, you will be complicated, with just a dash of red flag thrown in.

It is an interesting question to be sure, but how many people can answer it honestly? I have been thinking about it a lot lately. Why am I single?  Why are my single friends single?  How many of my married friends would be happier if they were single?  How many of my single friends are actually happy being single?  I don’t like being single.  I am not only happiest when in a relationship, but great at being in one, so why am I single?  I truly thought my single days were over, but here I am.  Again.

If I were going to lie, I would say I am single because I have not met the right man.  A blatant lie.  I have met the right man, probably more than once, and for reasons I could not control, it did not work out.  You can’t make someone love you, and you can’t ignore red flags forever. Love is everything, but it is not enough to sustain a relationship. You don’t need to want the exact same things, but you must be headed in the same direction.

I want love and all the things that come with it.  I find that at 47 years old I am more willing to compromise, but less willing to settle.  I want a relationship that brings the things I don’t have when I am alone.  I like being alone, but I don’t want to be lonely.  As my son prepares to leave home and pursue his own dreams, I want to share the rest of my life with a wonderful man.  A man who wants to share his life in a meaningful way.

I am not single because I have not found a great man.  I am single because when push comes to shove, I want it all, and will not settle on a pretty good relationship, when I can find a pretty great one. I want a man who makes me laugh, teaches me things, makes me feel safe, enjoys sex, is not intimidated by intimacy, is not afraid to be vulnerable, and would rather spend his time with me, than not.  It’s not that difficult, it is just love.

Why am I single?  I truly have no idea.  I am smart, talented, pretty, funny, caring, sexy, supportive, and have the ability to not only count my blessings, but see blessings where others may not. I am low maintenance, but also a little complicated.  I have many layers of joy and sorrow in my history and when you dig through them it can be exhausting, but also wonderful. It takes a wise man to get me, and wise is hard to find.

There are a lot of available men, and I have my fair share of interested ones.  It is not hard to get a date, it is however, in my opinion, hard to get to a second date.  I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, especially my own. I can tell in about a minute if there is going to be a connection, and it is not about a physical attraction as much as it is an unexplainable connection that makes me flutter, think, hope, relax, and not want to vomit.

When you start dating after a break up there are inevitable comparisons to who you broke up with and it can be challenging.  If they broke up with you, it can be quite scary. When you still love that person, it can be strange, but if you are honest with yourself about what you want love to be for you, the comparisons become encouraging rather than debilitating. There is no right answer to the question why am I single?,  so don’t ask it.

People always say everything will be okay in the end, so if things are not okay, it just means it is not the end.  There are a lot of questions I don’t know the answer to and if I could get answers handed to me on a silver platter, why am I single?, would not be on the list of questions to be submitted for an answer.  I don’t know why I am single, and I don’t know how long I will be single.  I do know that everything will be okay if I focus on keeping the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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