August 30, 2010 | 4:54 pm

Dancing With The Stars New Cast Break Down: Train Wrecks Guaranteed

Posted by Ilana Angel

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It’s official!  We have a new cast for the upcoming season of Dancing With The Stars.  It’s an interesting group.  Some people make perfect sense and have been a long time coming, while others are very confusing.  In most cases the stars are dancing with dancers, but in some instances, the dancers are more famous than the star.  Here is the breakdown, by age, with the youngest first and the most fabulous last!

Kyle Massey, 19 - He is cute and the teenyboppers will dig him. He is charming and funny so he’s got that going for him whether he can dance or not.  He is the token Disney Channel celebrity that the kids will know, and we will not pay much attention to.  He was a chubby kid, is a solid young man, and he is going out there to work up a sweat.  For that reason alone he is a role model and should be given a shot.

Bristol Palin, 20 - Oh.  My.  God.  I’m not sure why, but I can’t wait to see her give it a go.  You know Levi must have been praying that he would get her spot.  I’m very curious about her.  Will her parents show, does she have rhythm, what will her mother be wearing and how will she handle the hardly there costumes?  I’m pulling for you Bristol, even though I have no idea why and totally reserve the right to throw you under the bus later.

Audrina Patridge, 25 - This is the most disappointing selection in any and all seasons of DWTS.  This chick is “famous” for being on The Hills, but never really said anything. She is beyond skinny, so any weight she loses by dancing may kill her.  Let’s vote her off in the first round to a) save her life and b) send the message that not only do we not know who she is, but we don’t care.  She needs to eat a sandwich and get a real job, in that order.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, 29 - This “kid” is going to be shirtless every single dance he does.  I say kid because that is the New Jersey lingo. That said, this “kid” is well into his thirties if you ask me.  He has the most magnificent body and is clearly the king of GTL.  The most disturbing thing about him being on this show, is that I’m excited.  I love this guy and want him to do well.  He will be sleeping with Cheryl by the end of week one.

Brandy Norwood, 31 - This chick is a has-been at 31, and I’m not sure it’s her turn to get a second shot.  From her secret marriage, hush, hush divorce, hit and run, and sex tape famous brother, there is nothing particularly appealing about her now. It’s not like when she was the young and insanely popular Moesha.  She was a hugely popular Cinderella for Disney, so let’s see what she’s got.  She could be a surprise talent.

Kurt Warner, 39 - The athlete.  He is cute, talented in his field, and I’m guessing, has no rhythm.  There is an athlete each year, so he will get the votes of all the husbands who are forced to watch by their wives in order to have peace at home.  He could surprise us all and stay for a while, but I’m thinking no.  He’s the all-American scandal free selection that the Bible belt and sports fanatics alike will love and vote through. 

Rick Fox, 41- More famous as an actor, and possibly an ex-husband, than a Laker, Rick is the dreamboat. This man is seriously attractive and his dancing is secondary to the fact that he will be a pleasure to watch.  He really is beautiful and my guess is between him and Warner, he’ll have the better moves.  Depending on the camera angles, and if he looks right in the lens and winks directly at every woman in America, could seal his fate.

Margaret Cho, 42 - She is funny and those of us who know her, like her.  The problem is that not a lot of people know her.  She’s big in the gay community so that will be a plus for her.  Not sure she can dance but she is definitely an underdog in terms of popularity, but at the top of the list in terms of likeability.  I hope she does well and I will certainly throw her a vote or two, good dancing or not.  She seems like a great girl.

Jennifer Grey, 50 - How many times per week will someone make a reference to Baby being the corner?  She is beautiful, does not look as old as she is, and is a sentimental favorite.  Dirty Dancing is iconic and I want to see Patrick Swayze’s wife in the audience, with her dad Joel, cheering her on.  I want very much for her to do well.  This is a career resurrection that is past due, and well deserved.

Michael Bolton, 57 - I like him.  I own his records, think his voice is sexy, and find him to be attractive.  I have also seen him in concert and while he can belt out a tune like no other, dancing is not a natural talent here.  He will stay in it as all us middle age women remember falling in love with him, but he will then go, perform a song on one of the results show, and give new life to his career.  I’m glad he’s here and we get to hear him sing.

David Hasselhoff, 58 - The reality television gods have shined down on all of us and delivered the greatest contestant in the history of reality television.  The Hoff.  He will be there, drunk off his ass, high as a kite, and I for one can’t wait.  I love, love, love this selection and I will vote for him each and every week just so he stays on.  He will deliver a train wreck of epic proportions so we can all just sit back and wait, because it’s a coming.

Florence Henderson, 76 - Put aside the fact that we all wanted her to be our mom, that she rocked a mullet, that she made out with her fake television son, and that she supported and loved a gay actor when it was not cool, give her props for being almost 80 and putting on her dance shoes.  I love her and you will not hear an unkind word from me about Ms. Henderson.  Love her. Wish her well.  End of story.

Some of these selections are embarrassing to what has become a beloved show.  There are elements of reality trash here that just don’t make sense.  It’s not enough to make us not watch, but it will quickly become a popularity contest, over one about talent as a dancer.  Perhaps a name change from Dancing With The Stars to Dancing With Celebrities and Wannabes would be in order.

Each time they announce a new cast we pick our favorites before the first show airs.  There are many I could care less about, but others I feel vested in before it’s even begun.  I will see you diehards back here each Monday night when we can recap, praise and rip apart the cast on this season of DWTS.  Good luck everyone.  I shall try to be kind.  No guarantees, so keep the faith.

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