September 20, 2010 | 10:58 pm

Dancing With The Stars:  Bristol Palin Trumps The Situation

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Bristol and Mark

I am so excited this show is back.  It is a guilty pleasure that is a blast to watch.  There is nothing bad to say about this show.  By nothing bad to say about this show of course I mean there is so much bad stuff to say about the contestants.  Great cast, great fun, great television.

Audrina Patridge:  Could this girl be any more boring?  She has a ridiculous body and no apparent talent. I’m not even sure why she is on the show.  I want very much for her to be the first to go.  Bye-bye celebrity wannabe.  Back to the hills you go sweetie and eat a sandwich when you get there.

Kurt Warner:  I don’t follow football and have no idea who this guy is but I totally dug him.  I thought he was handsome, charming and did a really good job.  The QB has got some good moves and comes across as very likeable.  He will be around for a while and will clearly get better with time.

Kyle Massey:  I love this kid.  My son grew up watching him so I know who he is, although a lot of America may not.  He is fabulous, a good dancer, a role model to young men and I hope he does well.  I thought it was adorable when he got caught staring at Lacey’s boobs during rehearsal.

Rick Fox: Can he dance?  I have absolutely no idea.  This man could not possibly be more attractive. He is beautiful and when he smiled at the camera I was certain he was looking right at me and professing his undying love for me.  I love you Rick Fox.  We can talk about your dancing next week.

Margaret Cho:  I like her and always have.  I think she did a disservice to herself by trying to make it funny because she was a really good dancer and could have pulled it off.  She is popular in the gay community so I hope their votes can keep her around until she trusts herself because we will love her.

Brandy Norwood: Didn’t like her.  I was turned off by her introduction video and didn’t care about her dancing. I think she has a bad attitude and needs to hope her personality, or lack of one, does not get in her way.  She’s going to need to win me back because I thought she was gross.

Bristol Palin: For reasons I cannot explain, because I don’t understand them myself, I loved her.  I feel for this kid and I think she did a good job.  She looked beautiful, was mature enough to poke a little fun at her mom, and held her own.  I think she is the dark horse of the bunch and will surprise us and her momma.  Dance Bristol Dance!

Florence Henderson:  Marcia, Marcia, Marcia, your mom rocks!  At 76 years old, this woman was phenomenal.  She is prettier now than she was in the 70’s when we all fell in love with her and wanted her to be our mom.  She was really cute and a pleasure.  I hope she gets to stay for a little while.

Michael Bolton:  There was nothing really memorable about his performance and I think he will be an early casualty.  The best part was when they were asking people to vote and he made the motion for people to call, he “dialed” the phone instead if pressing the buttons.  Classic.  Go home old man.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino:  He is a whore, a pig, a Guido, and is famous for no reason.  Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I love him.  I thought he did good for only having five days practice and I want him to stay at least until he takes his shirt off.  I think he will catch up.

Jennifer Grey:  She was the best dancer of the night and also performed the best fake cry.  She milked the whole Patrick Swayze thing, but whatever, we knew she would.  I loved her performance, loved her dress, and loved seeing her again.  I want her to make it to the finals.

David Hasselhoff:  I have one word for his dance tonight:  painful.  More than being bad it was creepy.  He had a perverted vibe to him that was uncomfortable to watch.  Such a shame.  He will stay for a bit because of the sentimental votes, but he’s heading out early and I’m cool with it.

Opening night was great and I’m hooked.  There are some I don’t care about, some I don’t know, some I love, and some I will actually vote for.  It promises to be a great season and the only thing better than watching will be blogging. Audrina is my pick to go so I’ll watch tomorrow and keep the faith.