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Jewish Journal

Crying, Demons, Hope

by Ilana Angel

November 2, 2013 | 7:14 pm

I have been crying for 24 hours. For a bunch of little reasons, and for no reason at all, I can’t stop crying. I pull myself together, and then without warning I start crying again. I’m not sobbing, or weeping, I am simply crying. Tears are falling from my eyes at lightning speed, with no end in sight.  It is sad, but also quite funny.  It feels like a release, but I am not sure what it is exactly that I am releasing. I guess I am just sad today.

Or perhaps more than sadness, it is frustration.  I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, and it could be it is all catching up with me.  My son is growing up so fast and at almost 18 years old I am panicked at him venturing out on his own. Not because I am worried he will not be okay, but I am worried I won’t be okay. He is everything and I worry about what I will do when he is not here for me to take care of him like I do.

I have begun dating someone new and as much as I want to learn from each experience and not take my past pain into the next relationship, I inevitably do.  I sabotage myself because I think it will be easier to get out than risk being hurt. I find things wrong, talk myself into thinking those things will ruin everything, second guess myself, and it is a vicious circle.  At the end of the day I am battling myself and I am exhausted.

I am an old soul and have gone through a lot in my life.  I have raised a son on my own and look at him in wonderment. He is my greatest joy, and the single most important accomplishment of my life. I have experienced unimaginable pain losing my father, feel numbing sorrow being far from my family, and have demons that haunt me. I spend time alone to pray about these things, but today I found no comfort in prayer.

I am unclear what I am feeling, unsure why I am writing about it, and unable to get control of my crying. I suppose I take comfort in writing because I know someone out there will relate, understand, and share their story with me in a way that will help. It is odd that I take comfort from strangers, but at the same time I am grateful for the support and knowledge I get from those reading, and many of you have become my friends.

We all have skeletons in our closet, and demons that we fight, so I guess today mine have come out to play. I am feeling vulnerable, nervous, worried, anxious, and a bit lost.  I am blessed to also feel hope every single day and my hope, although just a glimmer today, will guide me through the darkness.  I must block out the bad, focus on the good, believe the call I am waiting for will come, stop crying, and remember to keep the faith.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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