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Could Mother Nature Be a Man?

by Ilana Angel

May 20, 2012 | 9:43 pm

Could this be a man? I say yes.

One would think a woman must have compassion for another woman. Who better to understand cramps and childbirth than a woman?  Even if she’s never had a baby, a woman can imagine the pain in a real way. How is it possible that women are burdened with such pain and misery when a woman, Mother Nature, was in charge of assigning the pain and misery? What the hell was this chick thinking?

There is no real Mother Nature of course, and she is simply a figure of speech, but I’m about done with all the crap that comes with being a woman and so in the interest of this blog, and my needing to vent, we are going to blame her for all of it.  I normally like to blame the Kardashians for all that is wrong in the world, but since they are women they are getting a pass and we will blame Mother Nature instead.

I am forty-six years old and currently have my period. Too much information?  Whatever.  I also happen to have a rather large amount, four to be exact, of pimples on my face which I can assume are due to my period. I have cramps, my boobs hurt, I am bloated, cranky, and constantly on the verge of tears.  Ice cream is a food group and I want to punch the makers of tampon commercials in the face.

Not only am I going to have my period for over 40 years, but when it is over I am going to suffer through menopause as a way to celebrate it finally being done.  I get to squeeze a baby out my vajewjew, provide my miracle with food from my body, then have my boobs relocate to just above my knees. It just seems really unfair to me that women have it so hard and men have it so easy.  Is Mother Nature really a woman?

Is it not possible that it’s really Father Nature?  The things a woman has to go through in comparison to a man makes me question this woman.  The only thing that makes sense is that she made these decisions while she had her period, and was therefore a little crazy.  God gave her a period then told her to assign it to a sex, she was hormonal and decided to curse us all in a moment of rage and could not take it back.

Now this new theory of mine explains the period, but what about menopause, saggy boobs, turkey chins, wrinkles, and our eggs being poached after 35?  Men can have babies until they have one foot in the grave yet women, the ones who actually have babies, have a very short window in terms of getting pregnant.  Men get better with age and women simply get old. Believe me people, Mother Nature was a dude!

It’s the only thing that makes sense really.  Women have to constantly shave hair off their bodies, yet men don’t.  Women have to pluck their eyebrows and wax their upper lips, yet men are hairy apes.  Women have to wear painful shoes in order to look sexy, yet men can wear sneakers with a tuxedo. There is no equality in terms of the pain and suffering of a woman in comparison to a man and it is pissing me off.

I would welcome being a man for one week.  I would walk around playing with myself, burp, fart, never shave, and probably travel to Northern Canada just so I could write my name in the snow with my pee.  I would keep all my clothes on the floor, never put down the toilet seat, and never ask for directions.  I would date women out of my league because I would be a single, Jewish man in my 40’s, which is the Holy Grail.

I simply don’t think men have a clue about how lucky they have it.  They are clearly the weaker sex in terms of pain thresholds, and I wonder if they can understand how easy they have it.  Men should be buying women all kinds of things. “Sorry about your period” diamonds. “Thanks for the baby” cars. This should be happening from men to random women on the street, not just the ones they know.  I want sympathy gifts!

I am hormonal today and so my outburst is not surprising.  That I am giving the Kardashian family a pass is!  I am proud to be a woman, and honored to have given birth to a remarkable human being.  My son will never know how hard being a woman is, but he will have a wife one day and so I will prepare him.  He will know the truth, approach with caution, and keep the faith.

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