I have learned that in order to date an Englishman you need to embrace soccer. Not only do you need to sit through countless conversations and games of “football”, you need to embrace the team that your man loves. My delicious English boyfriend is a diehard Chelsea fan and so even though my beloved father was a Manchester United fan, I am supporting Chelsea.
By supporting of course I mean pretending to be interested in a game I do not understand. To be clear, I watch because the men are gorgeous, and over the past few weeks I have developed a crush on Roberto Di Matteo. He is the interim head coach of Chelsea. He is a very sweet man, who wears a gorgeous topcoat, and makes me flutter a little bit. I am a fan of his.
Roberto has led Chelsea to victory in every game played since I met my Englishman. I have read his interviews and he is simply divine. He talks about team spirit, uniting his team, and supporting all the players. He is soft-spoken, charming, handsome, and talented. He knows his team, knows the game, and knows how to win. It’s time for him to be named Head Coach.
The Chelsea team is owned by the 68th richest man in the world, Roman Abramovich. He is a Russian Jew and while I don’t know much about him, I assume he must be a smart guy to have amassed such a fortune. You don’t get to be that successful without some smarts, so with that in mind I have to wonder what the hell he is waiting for in terms of hiring Roberto full time.
To Mr. Abramovich, you seem lovely. By lovely of course I mean crazy rich, so please allow me to share my humble opinion. You need to hire Roberto Di Matteo as the Head Coach of Chelsea. He has proven that he is able, willing and ready to do the job for real. He has earned the respect of his players and that is a great thing. He has been doing the job, so give him the job.
Not only should you give him the job, you should give him a bonus for the incredible job he has done. You are in the finals of both the FA Cup and the European Championships. That is in no small part due to the efforts of my Roberto. Be a mensch and do the right thing Roman. Hire my fake boyfriend and give him a nice bonus as a show of gratitude and appreciation.
You can write out his bonus check to ILANA ANGEL. Just send it along and I will get it to him. Just a little something to show you care about him. I will take a minimal service charge of course, but not to worry, he will get his share. Send it Roman. To me. One check, in the amount of your choice. Just take your number, add some zeros to it, then send me a check.
I also want you to know that should you want a cute journalist from America to cover the game for The Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles, please feel free to send me tickets. I will need 10 tickets of course, as I cannot go without the Englishman and assorted guests. I will report about the game, support Chelsea, and kvell about the delicious Mr. Di Matteo.
To the blue boys of Chelsea, you have turned me into a fan. By fan of course I mean I don’t understand this game that you all love so much, but I do love your bums, the chanting, the celery, and the fact that my Englishman is so happy that you are in the finals of both championships. I wish you well and I believe you will win. Not one championship, but both. This is your time.
As an outsider looking in to this sport and the men who play and love it, I find myself excited about the finals. It will be fun to watch with my Englishman as his excitement is as exciting as the game itself. I will probably never love this game, but I will love my Englishman and I will love Roberto. I will also love Mr. Abramovitz if he does the right thing here.
Important to note that the right thing needs to happen sooner rather than later. It would be awesome if Roberto could go into the finals as Head Coach. It would be nice for him, for the team, and for the fans. I will understand if Abramovitz waits until it’s all over, but even if Chelsea loses, Roberto should get the job. Will it happen? I’m keeping the faith.
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