When you turned on your television today, no matter what station you were tuned in to, there was Charlie Sheen. He was talking to everyone, about everything. I don’t know about you, but I thought it was sad. It was the type of interview that people will look back at for years to come and say, “we tried to help him”, when really they did nothing at all to help him.
Here’s an offer to you Charlie Sheen, since you are talking to everyone, come talk to me. I have lots of things to talk to you about. We have lots in common you and I. We are both divorced, both single parents, worried about what will happen to us financially if we lose our jobs, and neither of us are on drugs. I didn’t know about that one until today, so good for you.
Let’s talk Charlie. I’m curious about you. I used to think you were smart, funny, handsome and charming. I think that Charlie is probably still in there and I’m looking for him. If he no longer exists, that will okay too because I tend to gravitate towards men who are screwed up so we will get along brilliantly. Not that you’re screwed up, I’m just saying.
Now, in the interest of complete disclosure, I did call you a douchelord for screwing all the people on your show out of money, and it did cross my mind that you might be an anti Semite after your “Chaim” rant, but I’m open to talking about it. I can explain why I felt that way, and you can explain why I was wrong. It will be fun Charlie. Jewish chicks are fun.
I promise to not edit you, allow you to speak your mind, not make you take a drug test, and I will listen. Like a lot of people, I’m worried about you. Help me to understand you. I have welcomed you into my home, into my bedroom actually, every week for years, and you never call or write. So all will will be forgiven if you come and talk to me. It can all be a wash.
You can reach me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can call the Jewish Journal of Greater Los Angeles, ask to speak to the Editor. and he will hook us up. I’m not looking to screw you over. I’m just looking for Charlie Sheen because I think he needs a nice Jewish girl to make him some chicken noodle soup, and remind him to keep the faith.
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