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Breasts, Bras & Bad Decisions

by Ilana Angel

April 5, 2013 | 4:22 pm

I like breasts.  I like my own, and can admire others.  I think they are remarkable from the perspective of using them to bond with my newborn baby, and remarkable from the perspective of incorporating them into my sex life.  Boobs are important and should not be taken for granted, which is why I am constantly fascinated when women don’t respect theirs.

Today, as I wore my new pretty pink floral bra, I decided to take notice of the breasts around me.  My boobs looked fabulous, know it, but that was not the case for a large group of women wondering around Beverly Hills.  I found myself saying prayers for random boobs because there is torture happening all around us.  Today I am here as a breast advocate.  Pay attention.

I saw a woman with rather small boobs, but she had them in a bra that was clearly suffocating them in order to give them the appearance of oranges, when they were really grapes.  I saw a woman with medium boobs, who was wearing a bra for small boobs, causing them to appear to be cut in half, so she was sporting four apples.  Women need a lesson in bras and fruit.

I saw a woman who decided to forego a bra altogether, allowing her grapefruits to swing like monkeys from a tree.  Another woman opted to tie a piece a string around her watermelons, which caused me to worry when she passed that I might lose an eye.  You don’t put a Band-Aid on a gaping wound, and you don’t wear a tiny bra when you have big boobs.

The only time you should use string to contain breasts, is if you are tying up a chicken for Shabbat dinner.  Breasts are important for a lot of women. They help define who we are, and if you think that is not true, ask someone who has lost hers.  Breasts matter, as they should, and we need to respect them.  Not just their health, but their daily lives, and bra needs.

Women owe it to themselves to get properly fitted for a bra.  It will change how you look, and how you feel.  Important to also note that unless you are walking down a runway during Paris fashion week, not wearing a bra is not an option.  I don’t care how perky you are, get some support.  To all the boobs in Beverly Hills, I hope relief is coming for you.  Keep the faith!

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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