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Birthdays, Babies, Beauty, Bullock and Bitches

by Ilana Angel

March 22, 2010 | 11:19 pm

Birthdays: I will be turning 44 in two weeks.  It is hard for me to believe that I am in my mid 40’s, because I feel like I just turned 30.  I don’t feel my age, and I like to think that I don’t look it either.  Maybe there’s a little denial involved, but still, I feel younger than I actually am.

When I was about to turn 40, I was a little spooked.  It felt like I was entering a new phase of my life, and that can be a little scary.  As I rapidly approach 44, I am very secure.  I feel proud of who I am as a women, a mother, a friend and a daughter.

I am embracing this time in my life.  I am aware of who I am, what I want, and what I need to do, to get it.  I want it all.  I want a happy and healthy relationship with my son as he becomes a man, and I want a happy and healthy relationship with a man. 

Babies: I was at a Sunday brunch and open house yesterday, and I was surrounded by babies.  I love babies.  There were some seriously cute kids hanging around, and at one point I could actually hear my ovaries convulsing.  I always wanted to have a lot of kids, but I think that ship has sailed.

As I watched all the babies, it became clear that I am not going to have another one.  It’s not about how old I am, it’s about how old my son is.  I can’t imagine a life where I’m changing diapers, and filling out college applications, at the same time.

It was sad to admit I was not going to have another baby.  At the same time, it was liberating.  I have a delicious son, and I look forward to loving and spoiling his children.  Until then, when I need a baby fix, I will hang with my friends, their babies, and the babies that are coming soon. xo

Beauty: At the party yesterday I met a girl who was so incredibly beautiful, I could not stop staring at her.  She makes Megan Fox look like a troll.  I wonder what it must be like to look like that.  I wanted so much to find something annoying about her, but in the end there was nothing.

She was funny and sweet.  She was also Canadian, and I can’t be hating on my own people.  At the end of the day, I like how I look, and love who I am.  At 44, there is a confidence, understanding, and history, that all combine to make me beautiful.  I wouldn’t go back, because right now is too good.

Bullock: I thought about Sandra Bullock all weekend.  I have been completely and totally in love with a man, who then cheated on me, and broke my heart into a million pieces.  I can remember a time when simply getting out of bed, seemed like too much of a chore.

I hope Ms. Bullock knows her heart will heal.  It will take a while, but she will see the sun again.  It took me over a year to recover from my heartache.  Then it took me close to another year, to trust myself to love again. I wish her well.  I also hope she has the strength to walk away.

Bitches: I’m not offended when someone calls me a bitch.  There are circumstances when it is shocking, and undeserved, but it’s not a word that makes me cry, or crushes my spirit.  As a single mom, who is a survivor, a lot of my accomplishments have been achieved because I was willing to be a bitch.

To the gentleman who felt the need to call me a bitch during our date this weekend, you’re charming.  Was my being annoyed that you are separated, and still living with your wife, not divorced like you said, that inspired the name calling?  Whatever.  Better to be a bitch, than an asshole.  Just saying.

To my new reader Dante, who is a grown man who was raised by a single mother, your email meant a lot to me.  I love my son more than anything, and that you got it, and were able to relate to it yourself, was very special.  Thank you for reading, and taking the time to write.

I had a really great weekend.  It was very busy, but incredibly relaxing.  It was one of those weekends, where I did nothing monumentous, but still felt very accomplished.  I’m counting down the days to 44, as well as counting my blessings.  I am able to do both, by keeping the faith.

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