All aboard! We are back on the train to Crazytown. This show is fabulously cringe-worthy. The more we see the more I realize that is A) a messed up bunch of chicks and B) Brad in incredibly dumb, but insanely sweet. He means well and God Bless him for being so successful when clearly he is a few cards shy of a full deck. He makes me laugh, and is winning me over.
Ashley S., who won the first impression rose on day one, is chosen for a one-on-one date. I’m not sure how old she is, but if I had to guess, I’m thinking about 14. She is a child and so not right for him. Michelle agrees with me. Michelle needs to be in a psych ward, but she agrees with me. Ashley and Brad are off to Capital Records to record a song.
They are singing “Kiss From a Rose” by Seal. Ashley lost her dad a couple of years ago and this was their song. What a coincidence. They spend the next 10 minutes butchering this beautiful song. Brad says Ashley makes him feel comfortable and like his true self. Probably because both of them have the mentality of teenagers. It’s like dumb and dumber.
Ashley is crying, saying she is falling for Brad as Seal comes out and sings the song as it is meant to be sung. I love Seal, and I love that Ashley got a moment she shared with her dad’s memory. It was very sweet. Completely orchestrated and fake, but still super sweet. Brad really likes her but “needs to know who she is as a woman”. Brad makes me laugh. At him.
Ashley is now bawling about how grateful she is for the date. Dear Lord. Back at the house, the group date is announced and Michelle is a part of it and pissed off. She starts crying that she needs to go out with all the ladies not on her own. I hear creepy music in the background whenever she speaks. Back on the date, Ashley gets a rose and a kiss from Brad.
Emily gets a one-on-one date and she is nervous to tell him her story. I love her. The group date is going to film an action adventure movie. Shawntel N., who looks a little like Kristen Stewart, is the breakout star of the filming. By breakout star of course I mean the one who makes out with Brad. While she is shoving her tongue down his throat, Michelle is starting to twitch.
Michelle is imagining killing Shawntel N. and it’s awesome. Not awesome that she wants to kill her, but awesome that she is losing her grip on reality and we get a front row seat. While Shawntell is kissing Brad, Michelle covers her eyes with her hair and it’s as if Sweet Baby Jane is back and ready to play. I hope he realizes she’s crazy, but not for a few weeks please!
The group date is relaxing by the pool for their wrap party. Chantel #2 steals Brad away for private time. She is talking to him and within 2 seconds is crying. She gives the “I never do this” speech and it cracks me up. These chicks are pathetic and it makes for great television. Brad wants to know what her biggest mistake in life is and she jumps at the chance to tell him.
She did not talk to her dad for 9 years, only to find out when she was finally ready to talk to him, that he was dead. She is blubbering, he is comforting, and she announces she is falling for him. He gives her the nickname “puffy face” and they make out. Back at the house, Emily tells the remaining girls about her daughter and the loss of her fiancé. I love her. Seriously.
The wrap party continues and the sharks are out for a swim. Everyone is hanging on him in their bathing suits and flirting. Michelle is convinced she is the only one there who is right for him and she wants a kiss. She breaks into a private conversation and the music selection is perfection. Michelle is all Glenn Close Fatal Attraction and I freaking love this show.
Michelle fake cries and tells Brad she is worried she is being selfish by leaving her daughter. The cry is so fake that it truly is frightening. She gets her first kiss by using her child as a pawn for a sympathy smooch. There is one rose to be handed out and Brad gives it to Shawntel N., she accepts it, and they make out. Michelle is plotting her death.
Brad picks up Emily for their date. He is taking her to wine country and his surprise is to go on a private plane. Poor thing is nervous, and thinking about Ricky and it’s heartbreaking. She is so sweet and a real lady, and I love her. She gets on the plane so as not to disappoint Brad. They are chilling in a vineyard and she has the opportunity to tell him about her past but can’t.
Madison, the vampire, is back at the house crying. She says she wanted to meet someone and fall in love but feels there are women there who need to. It’s a lovely moment actually. She is worried Emily won’t be able to tell Brad her history. It’s sweet and you forget for only a minute that she is President of the Team Edward fan club and would suck your neck in a second.
Emily finally tells Brad about her daughter and the passing of her fiancé. It’s sweet. I think this girl is so lovely and I want her to be happy. Brad is clearly a smitten kitten and falling for her. He says Emily is someone he could build a life with and it’s the first time that I actually like Brad. He means well, is trying to be kind, and in the end is very sweet.
Brad meets with his therapist. Sidebar: Who is the therapist? I have a crush on this guy. The therapist tells Brad his connection with Emily is a great thing. She is officially the front-runner. Last week I wanted him to dump her because she could do better but this week I’m okay with Emily getting to know Brad. She might be the one and he might be ready.
The cocktail party begins and Alli has a moment alone with Brad. It says she is an “apparel merchant”. Translation: she works at Sears. She spills her crap, saying her parents are divorced because her dad cheated and had a little girl when he was out being a whore. It’s fascinating what women will share with strangers and by strangers of course I mean America.
Bottom line, Alli wants to know he is not a cheater. He lets her know he’s not. Chantal is pulled out and he tells her he likes her beyond the sexual chemistry. They are about to smooch but there is Michelle. She clears her throat and asks, “Am I interrupting”. She is entertaining but annoying as hell. We are all laughing at her I want someone to trip her.
Brad tells us he has a crush on Michelle. Big mistake. Vampira is rethinking why she is there. She takes her fangs out and tells Brad she is confused. He asks her if she wants love why leave? He is not digging her at all so why keep her there? He is going back and forth between being a doll and a pig. He tells her to stay, but does not want to be with her, so just let her go.
Ashley H. is completely insecure and it’s gross. She is pulling an Alli from last year with “if you don’t want me, just let me go” crap. Grow up. Ashley is pathetic and after he leaves, Brad comes back and kisses her so she feels confident. I am not ashamed to tell you it made my heart flutter. It was a cheesy move on her part, but he was Prince Charming in how he handled it.
It’s rose time and they go to:
Chantel O.: Fine.
Then Madison decides she can’t take a rose from one of the other girls. Really? The crying is quite nice but let’s get real. He was way to straight-laced and boring for her so she pulled the martyr card and left as both classy and silly. She was never going to be the Bachelorette so good she bailed. Bless her heart for being so sweet. Bye bye Vampira.
The roses continue:
Lisa: I don’t remember her.
Ashley H.: Her ploy worked.
Britt: Don’t know her.
Lindsey: He’s said two words to her. Don’t get it.
Meghan: Never going to happen.
Stacey: Has she been there the whole time?
Kimberly says she was not given a rose because she is intimidating. She then tells us how fabulous she is and uses an expletive to tell Brad to get lost. Sarah P. is also out. Poor thing. She is crying and having a one woman pity party. She is home right now, unable to understand why she is alone. I feel bad for her. She needs to meet someone who finds insecurity hot.
I feel like we have been watching forever and we just got started. I think this is the best looking group of women, but I’m getting a little bored. It’s not their fault because they are great. It’s Brad. You know he is going to be nice to everyone, he is going to talk too slow, and he is going to be annoying. But at the end of the day, I’m in it to the bitter and far, far away end.
Emily will be there at the very end unless she changes her mind and decided to bail. Michelle will crash and burn. In the meantime, I’m sure the other girls slept with one eye open. I’m not sure who will be the other finalist but you can bet there will be crying, praying and begging. All they can do it try to keep their dignity, and remember to keep the faith
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