January 11, 2011 | 8:43 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I used to watch The Bachelor with a sense of hope. It was romantic and inspiring. I believed there was a chance love could be found. That was then. This show is now a joke that makes no sense, yet is incredibly funny. I watch for a laugh and blog.
Brad Womack is slow. He talks in slow motion, has no command of the English language, and has an accent that changes within the same sentence. He was not an interesting Bachelor last time, and I still don’t get why he was given a second chance. It’s lame.
The show starts with Chris Harrison explaining how the show works, talking to the girls like they have no idea what is going on. Come on! They’ve been studying the show for years, know exactly what is going on, and are trying to get their 15 minutes.
Melissa says she has wanted to be on the show for 8 years. She is pathetic, desperate and proves she didn’t care who the Bachelor was, only that she got on. Eight years of prep only to fall apart under the pressure during the second week. Shame.
Ashley the dentist gets the first date. She is bubbly and the other girls are crushed. Hilarious. Ashley is wearing a ugly dress and Brad has fallen into the Bachelor trap of thinking we believe he planned everything. He talks about the date like it was his idea.
He speaks as if he is doing all these wonderful things for the women when he has done nothing. I don’t get why these Bachelors and Bachelorettes don’t say, “Look what THEY have planned for us.” Stupid. First date is a private night at a carnival.
They are running through the carnival to get on a ride, which is ridiculous because she is in stilettos and there is nobody else there so why run? Back at the house, the claws are being sharpened. The girls find out 15 of them are going on the group date.
Michelle, the gorgeous hair stylist, is the frontrunner for “Miss Fatal Attraction 2011”. It’s her 30th birthday and she is pissed she has to share Brad with 14 other ladies on her special day. You know she is going to lose her mind in the scariest way. Got to watch out for the pretty ones boys.
Back at the carnival, Ashley is smooching on Brad and “falling” for him. That took 5 minutes, which shows such restraint because the others are already in love. Brad says it’s the best date he’s had in years. He said he has not been on a date in years, so that’s not that flattering.
Ashley shares that her dad is a homeless addict and Brad loves her more because his dad was never around. Blah, blah, blah. He says he never talks about this with anyone. Really? Did he forget he told 8 million people last week? I think Brad’s vocabulary includes 30 words.
Melissa is a whack-a-doodle. How did she pass the mental health screening? She is not cute and clearly had her boobs done by Tori Spelling’s plastic surgeon. Not good. Emily says 15 girls on a date is a world record. Clearly she has never heard of Charlie Sheen.
They are doing a series of PSA’s for The American Red Cross. In the middle of the chaos of this ridiculous show, they are doing charity work, which is actually really great. The addition of these awareness segments allow us to take it seriously, for just a minute.
Bravo to Mike Fleiss and whoever coordinates the community service pieces because they are important and use their 15 minutes for good. They are dressing up in costumes and the vampire chick gets to be Cat Woman while another one gets a neck brace and flannel.
Britt is getting an ulcer, Keltie wants to cry, Michelle thinks her birthday should be a national holiday, and Melissa is in the front seat for a ride to Crazytown. She busts into a scene and kisses Brad which is creepy and seals her fate. She’ll be gone tonight.
All the girls are making out with Brad and it’s skanky. Everyone thinks kissing him will ensure a rose and Michelle is off wallowing in self-pity that she does not get to be special for her birthday. Melissa is crazy, Michelle is scary, and Brad is boring.
The group date goes out for a roof top party. Melissa gets one-on-one time and he blows her off. Michelle has a horrible spray on tan and when she lifts her arms you can see it. Blech. She tells Brad he’s got walls up and starts her plan of seduction.
Melissa starts fighting with Rachel. Who is Rachel? Jackie gets a one-on-one date. Back at the group date, Brad gives the rose to Michelle for her birthday. She starts gloating and being cocky and you know she hears music in her head when there is none.
Jackie gets a “Pretty Woman” date. They walk into the hotel and she calls the doormen “guards”. I’m over dumb chicks. They have spa time, then she gets to choose an outfit for their night out. Back at the house, Emily, my favorite, calls her daughter and is so sweet.
Jackie and Brad go to The Hollywood Bowl for a private dinner and concert by Train. Jackie tells Brad she is not a big dater and has only had 2 boyfriends in her whole life and he gets all judgy. He says it concerns him that she has no experience. Lame.
She is a nice girl and he knows if he screws her over we will hate him more than we already do. She needs to run for the hills from this guy. She is really lovely, can do better, and she is wasting her time with Brad. She could also be the next Bachelorette.
He asks her if she wants to be in it with him and she says as long as he does. Sad. Who cares what he wants? Why don’t women value themselves enough to say they will stay for as long as it feels right for them? Thank God I’m older and wiser than these girls.
Sidebar: Train is fantastic. They are a great band I loved their performance even though it was only for a minute. Brad pronounces theater, Thee-eh-ter and I’ve decided he is a slightly dumber version of Jethro from The Beverly Hillbillies. Dumber and not as hot.
At the cocktail party Michelle takes Brad away the minute he walks in. Brad talks to Emily and it makes me sad because she is really lovely and deserves better. He gets tongue-tied when he is around her because he knows she’s too good for him. It’s cute.
Rachel and Melissa are fighting again and it’s sad because they both have really bad plastic surgeons and that should bond them together as BFF’s. Melissa is crying because she is being attacked, and Rachel is taking comfort in knowing that Jesus is on her side.
Melissa goes crying to Brad, then BAM. The bi-polar moment we have been waiting for. She is crying, laughing, and worried about her breath. She is a crazy person and is watching this at home and wants to kill herself. This chick really needs medication.
Rachel is crying to Brad saying she is “not like this” and it’s made even funnier by Brad’s slow motion speak. Then Ally and Roberto show up to help Brad. Ally is wearing a gorgeous but fantastically unflattering dress and her hair extensions are gone.
Rachel and Melissa are trying to convince the other women why the other one should go home. Melissa goes to Ally and starts crying, saying she is targeted. So gross. Ally and Roberto are on the show for 4 minutes and it’s lame. Melissa is sure she is getting a rose.
Emily gets the special “you are genuine” rose. I love her. It’s now the big rose ceremony and three insecure girls are going home. Every time Brad picks up a rose he does this weird shrugging of his shoulders that is making me crazy. He needs a doctor to look at that.
Sidebar: Why does Chris Harrison leave for the rose ceremony? So he can come back to announce the last one? He should just stand there with a beer and yell out “last round” when it gets down to the final rose. Rachel, Melissa and Keltie are going home.
Keltie is a mess and gives the saddest farewell speech ever. She is convinced she is meant to be alone and breaks into the ultimate ugly cry. It looks like a skit from SNL and if it were not so crushing it would be hilarious. She must be mortified watching this.
Word on the street is that Brad has impeccable manners and is the nicest man ever. My hopelessly romantic but sarcastic heart prays he wins me over, and by the end I’m crying for the joy and happiness he has found.
This is an easy show to mock but at the end of the day, jokes aside, I want it to work. I will continue to make fun of it of course, but deep down I’m cheering them on. All except Michelle of course.
To conclude: Chris Harrison is still charming, Emily should be the next Bachelorette, Brad has a twitching disorder and speech impediment, Michelle is insane, and I will be back next week which means so am I. The good news is I still believe love is possible, so I’m keeping the faith.
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