With the housewives of OC spending all their time slutting around, and NYC boring the crap out of us, not to mention them all scripting their unscripted shows, the ladies of New Jersey are back just in time to remind us that this used to be a great show. The season opener is delicious.
The show opens at the christening of Teresa’s nephew. We meet her brother Joe and his wife Melissa, who is a new housewife. There is a lot of bad blood in this family so if casting her is not proof that Andy Cohen cares more about drama and money than the ladies, I don’t know what is.
Joe and Melissa are fabulous to watch. They are Ronnie and Sammi from the Jersey Shore all grown up. I mean if you gave Ronnie and Sammi personalities, brains and good looks, they would be just like Joe and Melissa. This couple is fun, sweet, and about to kick this show into overdrive.
Teresa goes over to her brother to congratulate him on his son’s day and Joe calls her garbage. A huge fight starts between Teresa’s husband Joe and her brother Joe. Just as the fight is about to get good, they stop and take us back to a week earlier so we can see how it all started.
Teresa and Joe are running a pizzeria. Really? We are supposed to believe that they support their family, and that ridiculous house on the income generated from one pizzeria in Jersey? Teresa is in the pizza shop signing cookbooks for extra money, which seemed a little sad to me.
Jacqueline and Caroline come by and Jacqueline hands Teresa a photo that Teresa has already personalized and signed, and then signs it again. Do they not know we can see the picture is already signed and the entire scene reeks of fake? God bless these chicks and their fake show.
Caroline is looking great and everything seems to be good with her. Albie and Christopher are moving into their own apartment and in telling us about it, Caroline starts to cry. She says her kids moving out are a proud moment and at the same time a knife in her heart. I started crying.
I love how she loves her kids. I love my kid like that and it is so sad to watch her reaction to their leaving but she puts on a brave face for her kids to cry privately and it’s beautiful. She is a great mother and I look forward to following her example of how to let your kids go.
Jacqueline goes to visit Ashley at her new intern job. It’s weird because she comes unannounced in the middle of the day. Even I would not pull that crap on my kid. Ashley is working at Lizzie Grubman PR. Sidebar: Lizzie is painfully thin and unfortunate looking. Poor thing.
Jacqueline starts embarrassing Ashley in front of her boss and it’s gross. Jacqueline is annoying and in her attempt to show us she is a good mom, she looks like a bitch. Ashley starts crying, throwing a tantrum, Jacqueline walks out, and the boss is comforting Ashley. I don’t get it.
Jacqueline and her husband Chris take Ashley out for lunch. How is it that Chris is waiting in the restaurant when Jacqueline did a surprise visit to the office? Fake. Fake. Fake. Ashley is crying, talking about how hard her life is, Jacqueline is annoyed and storms off. Dysfunction.
Chris is lecturing her with words of wisdom and looks straight into the camera. Twice. I love it when reality shows get unreal. Meanwhile it’s pouring rain out and Teresa and Jacqueline are out for coffee, in the park, with Teresa’s baby, who Teresa is ignoring.
Teresa is explaining her family history. Apparently she was close with her brother and it changed when he got married. She says she is not sure what is going on with their bankruptcy, which is odd since last year she complained she knew nothing and would now know everything.
Melissa is gorgeous, has a beautiful house and adorable kids. Teresa is clearly jealous of her. Melissa is old school Italian, taking care of her husband and kids. I love her and think she is great. I think a lot of people will, which is probably what pisses Teresa off so much.
Melissa is all about God and Jesus. She thanks Jesus every five minutes, which I think is awesome. We meet the other mew housewife, Kathy. She’s Teresa’s cousin and I love her too. She seems more normal than the others. That said, it’s too early to tell who she really is.
Kathy is married to Rich who is Lebanese. It’s cool though because Jesus is from the Middle East so that makes it cool for Kathy’s father. Dear Lord I love this chick. She gets on her bike and rides down to the market to get groceries. Of all the housewives, I want to be her friend.
Her son is playing with a knife on the bed and she asks him why he can’t collect stamps. She is cute, pretty, lives what appears to be a more middle class life than the others, and is, after one show, my favorite. That said, I reserve the right to totally change my mind on this one.
Caroline is having Sunday dinner at her house and has decided to make a southern meal. She spends the next ten minutes bagging on people from the south and their inability to cook anything but fried chicken. I love Caroline but bless her, she’s not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Melissa’s sisters are visiting from the shore for the christening. They are all anticipating a problem with Teresa, which is interesting. Back at Teresa’s house, her kids are having a melt down, Joe is being useless, Teresa can’t get ready and is going to be really, really late.
Joe has diarrhea and is finding any possible reason to not go to the church, Teresa is feeling sick and running around like a chicken with her head cut off, Melissa is in the car preparing to give her son over to Jesus, and we are now back at the christening where the episode started.
There are too many guys named Joe. I will call Teresa’s husband Joe, Juicehead and Melissa’s husband Joe, as Joe, the bay who has now been welcomed into God’s kingdom by Jesus, will be Joey. Are we all clear? Teresa and Juicehead have now arrived at the party.
Sidebar: Why did Teresa need to go back and get Juicehead from the house? He could have just met her at the party with the baby. Could it be because they are down to only one car? When will these people grow up, sell their monstrosity of a house and get real?
Joe is trying to be nice to Juicehead but Juicehead is a putz. Teresa and Juicehead are jealous and bitter and you can smell it. Teresa walks around acting like she is doing everyone a favor by being there when really she should feel lucky that under the circumstances she was even invited.
There is crap going on in this family that we will never understand and frankly should never see, but they are going to let us to watch. In the end I think Teresa will come out not looking great. Melissa and Joe seem a little more honest than Tree and Juicehead.
Joe works hard, Juicehead not so much. I love that Joe is loving to Teresa’s kids and does not let their crap stop him from loving her kids. I feel bad for Joe. He is a good husband, father, and businessman and I think those things bother Teresa because she does not have that in Juicehead.
Sunday dinner is still going on at Caroline’s and it’s boring in comparison to the christening. I want them to hurry up and eat so we can get back. I finally fast forward over it all so I could get back to the excitement. Important to note that Jacqueline is boring as hell.
Teresa and Juicehead are dancing with baby Joey and it’s gross. He’s looking like the good guy when we all know he is a putz. Sidebar: Melissa tells us that Teresa and Joe did not come to the hospital after Joey was born which is what Danielle told us last year and Teresa denied. So good!
Teresa could not be sat farther away from her brother. Teresa goes over to say mazel tov and Joe is having none of it. He calls her garbage and tells her to walk away. They are getting into a fight and 9 year old Gia is crying, watching, and trying to breakup the fight. It’s heartbreaking.
Joe and Juicehead are going at it, threatening to kill each other, yelling, screaming, hitting in front of all the kids and guests. It’s horrible to watch and yet you can’t turn it off. I could feel the humiliation of Teresa and the heartbreak of Joe. It’s all so sad and unfortunate.
I can’t help but wonder what Andy Cohen is thinking. There is no way he did not know this would happen. He put ratings ahead of his concern for these women who have made him rich and famous. He knew we would watch and love it, and he knew families and hearts would be broken.
Teresa’s dad, who is having heart problems, is in the middle of the fight and it’s so sad. Joes is crying and you can feel the pain he has in his heart that his parents are not close with him and his family. In the end the exciting fight was sad more than anything else, and I felt bad watching.
I started off watching the show with such excitement to have the ladies back and in the end I am undecided about if I can watch it anymore. Of course I will, who am I kidding, but it’s not fun like it used to be. It’s an addiction and a need to look into lives that are ugly.
I love the two new ladies of New Jersey. Danielle who? It’s going to be a tough season to watch. That does not mean it’s not going to be entertaining, just rough. Andy Cohen is going to hell. Thank goodness these ladies have Jesus because they are all going to need to keep the faith.
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