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Keeping the Faith

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November 1, 2010 | 7:45 am

A Dream, An Ultrasound, A Tallit, A Baby, A Promise & Endless Questions

Posted by Ilana Angel

Photo

My son at his Bar Mitzvah, wearing his tallit.

I fainted when my doctor told me I was pregnant.  We had been trying for so long, the news I was finally going to have a baby was overwhelming.  I wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  It was my dream as a little girl, and being a mom is the greatest accomplishment of my life.

I used to pretend my dolls were babies and I always dreamed of motherhood.  I wanted to have four kids.  I was one of four so I imagine that’s why.  In the end I was blessed to have one child, and from the moment I knew I was going to be a mom, my life was wrapped about him.

When I had the ultrasound to tell me the sex of the baby, and they said it was a boy, and cried.  I wanted a healthy baby, but if I could have picked, I would have asked for a son.  I always wanted my first child to be a boy.

Once I left the doctors office I wanted to buy my unborn son a gift.  I thought about a stuffed animal, or an outfit, but as I drove home I passed a Judaica store.  After looking around I decided to buy my son a tallit.  It was a gorgeous blue and gold prayer shawl.

I took the tallit out often over the years. Whenever my son hit a milestone, like walking, talking or tying his shoelace, I would write about it and tuck the paper into the tallit.  If my son was sick, or struggling in any way, I would pray for things to be better and tuck those prayers in too.

I would put my son to bed, pull out the tallit, and tell it all my hopes and dreams for this little boy.  It was the first gift I ever bought for my son, yet over the years, it really became a gift to me because it held all my prayers for the life I brought into the world.

When my son had his Bar Mitzvah, I took the tallit that had been my comfort for so long, and I placed it on his shoulders.  It was a profound moment.  All the hopes and dreams I had for my baby were a part of that tallit and when I placed it on him, I made a promise to my son.

I promised to always pay attention and listen, and never lose sight of what a blessing it was to be a mother.  I believe in my heart, and know in my mind, that I am a good mother.  I love this child with all that I am, and am doing a good job raising a wonderful human being.

This weekend was tough.  With each stage of a child’s life, there are parts that are easier and some that are harder.  I find the older my son becomes, the more questions I have.  Am I doing the right thing?  Giving him the tools to be happy and secure?

It’s been a looooooong time since I was a teenager, and while I like to think I remember, I really don’t.  There are so many things going on in terms of peer pressure, homework, hormones, stress and temptations.  Can I properly guide my son through the landmines that are the teenage years?

My son is really great.  He is caring, sensitive, funny, smart, popular, handsome, charming and an all around happy person.  He is all the things that you want for your kids to be.  He is also a teenager, finding his way while transitioning his relationship from those of a kid to a grown up.

I’m not saying at 14 he is a grown up, but just that it’s a new ball game.  Everything is changing for him, but it’s not him I’m worried about.  It’s me.  Am I doing a good job?  Am I being supportive enough?  I am giving him the room he needs to grow?

I have endless questions.  I want my son to be happy.  I don’t care what he chooses to do for a living, or who he chooses to love.  What I do care about is that he is happy, healthy and safe.  I want him to reflect on our life together and think I did a good job at being his mom.

To my son,  I love you Buddy.  You are a great kid and I am very proud of you.  I know being a teenager is hard and you’ve got a lot going on.  Know that I am here, and you have my support.  Be strong, believe in yourself, do the right thing, and no matter what, keep the faith.

8 Comments — Leave your comment

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Hi Ilana,
I hope that this comes out the way I intend it to…..I have been a reader and fan of your blog for a while now.  I am always amazed at how many times you point blank say, “I am a wonderful mother.”  I have envied your confidence!!  And from the stories you share with us, it seems that you are a wonderful mom!  I do have moments that I feel like I’m doind a good job as a mom, but I think I have more of those questioning moments.  It was refreshing today to see your vulnerable side and that you too question your mommy skills at times.  I hope you don’t take this as a criticism!  I don’t mean it that way at all.  I continue to be inspired by you.  I gain confidence from you when you talk about what a great mom you are and now I have even more respect for you for sharing that you too have moments of insecurity.  Thank you for your honesty and for sharing your life with us!  When it comes to being a mom and making the best decisions I can for my kids every day, I, like you, am keeping the faith smile

Comment by Robin on 11/01/10 at 8:21 am

Robin,

Thanks for your kind words.  I appreciate your feedback. I suppose only time will tell if our decisions are right or wrong.  The teenage years are proving to be a challenge.  Not only for our kids, but for us!  My son and I have an open and honest relationship, and I worry my decisions and choices could change that.  I’m praying, believing in myself, trusting him, and keeping the faith.

Thanks again.

Comment by Ilana Angel on 11/01/10 at 8:34 am

I have no experience with teenage boys, but I think all teens are a challenge.  Take it one day at a time, and keep those lins of communication open (sorry, that’s so cliche’ but really important). You’ve obviously worked very hard at building an amazing relationship with your son and that will serve you well in the future. There are no right answers.If only these kids came with a manual.

Comment by Kathy on 11/01/10 at 11:52 am

You were able to take a photo during the Bar Mitzvah? What Temple is that at?

Comment by J. Beck on 11/01/10 at 12:43 pm

@ Kathy:  Thank you for your words of encouragement. grin

@ J.:  The pictures was actually taken the day before in the sanctuary with the Rabbinical staff.  No pics from the actual day.

Comment by Ilana Angel on 11/01/10 at 5:16 pm

I can feel your pride through your words. You a lucky women to have such a wonderful child. Have you ever written a book?

Comment by Dawn on 11/01/10 at 5:31 pm

Hi Dawn.  You’re very sweet.  I’ve been writing a book for twenty years.  One of these days….....

Comment by Ilana Angel on 11/01/10 at 10:47 pm

ilana,
you bring tears to my eyes everytime you share the love you have for your son and the ways you let him know he is loved so much. you teach me how important it is to let our kids know how loved they are and we can not live without them. i have sent my kids to your site more than once to read what you have written knowing that they would see what i posted back to you (and them). at times i don’t know how to tell them in words these days, with my 26 year old son in california and 19 year old daughter in pittsburgh (i’m in the philly area), with all the cards, txts, calls, care packages, pxts and emails. i know, they know, i love them and i know, i should know, they love me.
i’m just cryin’...
(o.m.g.)
hey kids: “mommy loves you so much and i am so very, very proud of you (just ask ‘ilana’, she gets it!!)”.

Comment by zero milligrams (o.m.g.) on 11/03/10 at 11:55 am

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