Posted by Ilana Angel
Sex is something that people think about all the time, but never discuss. Sex is one of the greatest things about being an adult. When we are young, it is new, exciting, scary and forbidden. It can take a minute to understand, even longer to enjoy, and a lifetime to perfect.
No one really explains sex to you when you are young. They talk about the mechanics of it, but there is no discussion about how it feels, or how it can affect you emotionally or spiritually. We are taught what it is, but not what it means.
When you date in your teenage years, it is a cloud that hangs over your head. When will you do it? How will it be? Is everyone doing it? Will I get in trouble? What if I get pregnant? There is a lot to worry about, and you wish you were in your twenties so it would be easier.
When you reach your twenties, it changes again. Now everyone is doing it, and the stress of the first time, and being young, are gone. Fear is replaced by guilt. Will he think I’m a slut? How many other people has he slept with? Will he compare me to others? What can I do without compromising myself? Am I doing it right?
You wish you were in your thirties, married and done with dating. You are confident in who you are, and aware of what you like. With marriage, you lose the guilt. You can experiment in a safe and comfortable relationship, which can provide a totally fulfilling sex life.
So now you’re married, and the sex is great, and often. Then you have kids, and it’s still great, but not often. Then life takes over, and it becomes the cloud hanging over your head again. You need to schedule, plan and time it. Excitement is replaced by obligation, and passion is replaced by mechanics.
In your forties you’ve left the marriage and are now starting over. The fear of teenage sex returns, and the guilt of twenties sex is back. The safety and fearlessness of thirties sex has vanished, and you are now in your sexual prime, with no idea what to do, how to do it, where to find it, or how to trust yourself.
I’m not sure what sex will be like in the fifties and beyond, but I imagine it all reverts back, and eventually we are right where we started. We spend a lifetime trying to understand it, when the truth is, sex is a cruel joke that life plays on you.
When it first appears, you are confused. By the time you figure it out, you are unable to do anything with it. Dating at 40 is horrific because of sex. The pressures have always been there, we were just too stupid to know about them, or even care. Now we are all to clear what is going on.
They say youth is wasted on the young. I would argue that sex is wasted on the young. If only we knew when we were young, what we know as adults. The entire process would be less painful and more enjoyable. Sex is this hugely powerful thing that is given no clout and labeled bad, when it’s really a part of life that should be respected.
The truth is that sex is great. I am not afraid to say it. It should be valued and enjoyed, not feared and shunned. Perhaps people would be kinder if they were having more sex? Perhaps life would be a little less complicated, and more fun, if people were not so scared of sex?
I have a teenage son and it is terrifying to think that one day he will have sex. Now sex is like homework. It’s something I know I need to talk to him about, but just like algebra, I don’t understand it, and can’t offer much help. All I can do is pray he waits a long time, and keep the faith.
5.23.13 at 3:17 pm | Dating, divorce, death, and marriage, all require. . .
5.22.13 at 6:34 am | I am forever touched by this young man.
5.19.13 at 5:43 pm | JDate should be more of a mensch.
5.17.13 at 5:27 pm | I am never going on another coffee date.
5.14.13 at 4:36 pm | Love needs a kick in the ass.
5.11.13 at 12:44 pm | My Mom gets the day off because this one is on me.
5.17.13 at 5:27 pm | I am never going on another coffee date. (390)
5.14.13 at 4:36 pm | Love needs a kick in the ass. (346)
5.19.13 at 5:43 pm | JDate should be more of a mensch. (332)
February 2, 2010 | 2:08 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
We are down to five girls and the road trip had come to an end in San Francisco. Jake will eliminate one more girl before we have the hometown dates next week.
As the RV is pulling up to the hotel the girls are all giddy and someone says, “Where’s our man?” That they think they are all friends is very entertaining. They are just ridiculous and the silliest of all is Tenley, who gets the first date.
Tenley’s voice grates on my nerves. She sounds so sugary and childlike. If I were a guy, trying to make out with this chick, her voice would bug the crap out of me. She is annoying and her naivety is not attractive. She has milked the divorce card about as much as I can stand.
They are headed to Chinatown for some exploring, which I think is a fabulous date. Jake is wearing a black turtleneck sweater and he looks absolutely fabulous. A man in a turtleneck is very sexy and Jake is rocking it. He looked so good I forget about how annoying Tenley is for a minute.
Back at the hotel, the next date card arrives. It’s a double date, and Corrie says it’s for Vienna and Ali. Ali’s response is that she feels sick at the news. This girl is mean. She thinks she can scare Vienna, but it’s not happening. She is a joy sucker and I’m on Team Vienna.
Corrie is kidding and it’s really Vienna and Gia who go on the date. Vienna is upset, but a lady, and wants to walk away from Ali. Ali tells Vienna that if she is upset with her, she should tell her. Vienna tells her she is still upset from the last rose ceremony where Ali was mean.
Ali says it’s not about Vienna, which is a total crock because last week she said it was all because of Vienna. Ali is horrible. She was my top pick on the first day, but no more. I met her at the Bachelor house and she was sweet, but now thinking back, I see she was conniving and mean spirited then too.
Tenley and Jake are now having dinner and Jake is talking like he planned the whole thing. It cracks me up. I’m sure he found out that morning what they planned for them, yet he talks like he planned it weeks ago. Too funny.
Jake says Tenley is the one he can most see as his wife. I just don’t get it. It will be like two pieces of white toast getting married and making a loaf of white toast babies. I’m bored just thinking about it. He tells her she knows more about marriage than he does, and they should talk about it.
Jake, she was married for 5 minutes and her husband left her for someone at work. She may not be an expert. I would suggest listening to your parents take on matrimony over the Disney Princess. I’m just saying. Jake talks about what he thinks a marriage is and it’s lovely.
He tells Tenley that marriage will never be perfect, but the love can be. That is my defining moment with Jake. I fell in love with him, and after all these weeks I finally get his appeal. Perhaps white toast is not too bad if you spice it up. The problem is Tenley is mayo, which is boring on boring.
It’s now time for Gia and Vienna and they are off to a vineyard in Napa. Vienna is my favorite. She is really honest and funny. She has not stabbed anyone in the back, and whatever she tells one of the girls, she tells Jake. She is the only one who does appear to blatantly lie.
Back at the hotel Ali is starting to backpedal. She is all of a sudden worried that Vienna will tell Jake what a horrible girl she’s been. I’m not buying it for one minute. She is trying to save her sinking ship and it’s too late. She is the devil.
Jake pulls Gia away for a little private time. She tells Jake how she is getting jealous, and it’s hard for her because she thinks they do things that are special to them, when really he is doing them with all of the girls. He reassures her that all is well and she asks him, “Is it okay to fall?”
He tells her it’s okay and then makes out with her. That one line is going to come back to bite him in the backside. He is not going to pick her, then on the limo ride out of there, she will be crying about how he told her it was okay to fall, and she will throw it in his face. You’re getting sloppy Jake.
Jake and Gia are making out and Vienna is walking through the castle looking for them, and calling out his name in a panic because she is lost. Lost with a camera crew and production staff, but still lost. She calls out, “Jake? Honey?” I love this girl and really think she is the best of the bunch. He will always be entertained with her.
Jake and Vienna are now alone and chatting. It’s awkward. She is so honest and open, but he appears to not really care. They don’t make out, or hold hands, or anything. Not sure if it’s creative editing to psych us out, or if the magic between the two of them is fading.
Jake takes the girls to see their room and we are hit with reality television perfection. It’s the greatest line of the night, and it comes courtesy of our girl Vienna: “Gia is a beautiful girl and she is really smart.” I am still laughing about this one. Really smart! Vienna is hilarious!
Vienna heads to Jake’s room with a bottle of wine to get a few more minutes with “her man”. He is in bed, in boxers, and he tells her she should go back to her room so the other girls are not upset. Her plan to make out backfired, and she is sent her off with her tail between her legs.
It’s now time for a one-on-one date with Corrie. Who is Corrie? I have no idea. This chick is invisible and I do not understand why she is still there. Truth is, I didn’t know she was still there. We know nothing about her except her name, and even that is hard to remember half the time.
They are in a rowboat in the park. It is romantic and beautiful and the conversation is painful. They have nothing to say to each other. There are so many opportunities for them to kiss, and nothing. It is excruciating to watch and you know it’s over for her.
Corrie is 23 and a “wardrobe consultant”, which I’m guessing means she works at Macy’s. They have a lovely date and settle in for dinner. Then the big announcement, Corrie is a virgin. The only thing more uncomfortable than her saying she is a virgin is Jake’s response. He is totally turned on by it and goes in for the smooch.
Here’s the thing, he knew he was never going to keep her. He knew there was no connection. He knew he was bored with her. Even after knowing all of that, and her admission that she moves slow because she is a virgin, he still kisses her. I think it was sad and a bad decision on his part.
If you are going to make a virgin sacrifice to the reality gods, then let her leave with her dignity. She was so close to getting out of there unscathed and he ruined it. I’m back to thinking Jake is not that great of a catch. Gorgeous in his turtleneck, but not classy.
Last date of the trip is with mean girl Ali. She lives in San Francisco and is going to show him around. She is nervous and excited. Tenley is so excited for her that I find it creepy. Ali has a huge beach bag with her. What is she schlepping around?
Ali and Jake make the most attractive couple. The will have beautiful toast babies. They walk along the beach and then settle in for a serious chat. Jake wants to talk about her reaction to his choices at the last rose ceremony.
Ali says she just wants him to be happy. That is such a crock. None of these girls care whether he’s happy. They only care that he chooses them and they are happy together. Ali tries to sell herself as this great girl who has no issues with Vienna. She is playing the game, saying what he wants to hear. She is a manipulative liar.
It’s the final rose ceremony. He is hanging with Corrie and he tells her that she is not any different than how he wanted her to be. He is about to dump the virgin. He liked knowing that she was one, but he’s looking to knock some boots and so she’s out. Poor girl just does not see it coming.
He spends a few minutes with each of the girls and they make a plea for their love. Gia wants to stand out to him and Corrie does not want to be labeled the virgin. Ali and Tenley are gossiping and Vienna goes to spend time with Jake. He seems to really dig her, but won’t just let loose.
He gives the first rose to Tenley. Then we have Ali and Gia. It’s down to Vienna and what’s her name. The virgin is out. It’s so sad that she didn’t want to be labeled the virgin, but the fact is that we don’t remember her, or her name, so she will now forever be known as the virgin.
I think she cries in the limo not because she is sad, but because she is mad he kissed her when she was one day away from leaving untouched. Jake says he dumped her because he was worried she would never open up completely for him. That is a hilarious line to be the last thing he says about the virgin.
Hometown dates are next week. The promo looks fabulous and I’m excited to see what the drama is all about. There will be no rose ceremony so I’m thinking someone bows out. Who will be the one to go? Gia’s mom is like one of the Sopranos so maybe it’s her that “disappears”.
We are getting close to the end and it keeps getting better. I love this show. I love Mike Fleiss. I love Vienna. If Jake dumps her, she should be the new Bachelorette. That will make for some great television.
To the virgin, you’re better off out of there. To Ali, you are a mean girl and your days are numbered. To Tenley, you are just too sweet and need to run away. To Vienna, keep on fighting sister and don’t let them be joy suckers. Hold your head high and keep the faith!
February 1, 2010 | 3:04 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
When I was a little girl I wanted to grow up to be a housewife. I still aspire to be a housewife. I like being in a relationship and having the type of partnership that comes with the commitment of marriage. What I am discovering is that many of the married people I know are not happy, as much as they are comfortable.
I was only married for 5 years, 13 years ago, so I am not an expert on marriage. What I know is that the things I think are so great about being married, are things that it turns out some married people don’t have. So many women say they want to marry their best friend, which sounds like the perfect situation, but is it really?
I’m not sure I want to be married to my best friend. I know I don’t want to have sex with my best friend. I am a better girlfriend, wife and lover because I have my best friend to help me navigate through life, and put my best foot forward in terms of my relationship. I can run things by her and she gives me a clear perspective.
My single friends have more sex than my married friends. Granted schedules are busy when you are married and managing a home, work, children and several lives under one roof. That said, a lot of my single friends are divorced, with children, and have the same challenges as married couples, but are having more sex than their married counterparts.
When couples lives become more routine than spontaneous, is that when the relationship transforms from one thing into another? Can you really have great sex with your best friend? Is it unnatural to think that humans can be monogamous? Can you be married to your best friend, have a comfortable life, and still be sexually stimulated by that person?
Are housewives desperate? For love? Attention? Sex? Do wives take their husbands for granted? As I search for love, I look at the relationships of people in my life, and I can’t help but feel a little sad. I have friends who are in truly unfulfilling marriages, but don’t seem to care that much. Is that what happens over time?
I want what they have, yet they don’t seem to take particularly good care of the lives they have built. Is it better to be alone and searching for something fabulous, or to settle for something really good, and just be okay with it?
I have friends who are married and their life is fabulous on a lot of levels. Sex seems to be the one aspect that is lacking. Can anyone have a complete marriage that includes love, respect, sex and friendship?
I have been pre-dating a man for a little over a week and I keep postponing our meeting. I like him. He makes me laugh and challenges me. I am enjoying talking to him. I just don’t know if I am willing to risk having the bubble burst. He could not be attracted to me, or could decide I am not what he thought I was, or vice versa.
There are a dozen things that could go wrong. I have had a series of bad dates and it has shaken me up. I am certain of what I want, but yet wary it can be found. This morning it is difficult for me to differentiate between expectation and hope. Dating is hard, but perhaps better than marriage.
I will speak with this new man several times during the course of the day. I will spend time looking forward to meeting, then sabotaging the meeting. If you are in love, feel gratitude for the gift. For those looking, our time will come, and it will come faster if we get out of our own way. We must all keep the faith.
January 29, 2010 | 6:38 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Last week I blogged about the Millionaire Matchmaker show on Bravo. I am not a fan of this show, and was not planning to watch it again because it is offensive. A friend insisted I watch it one more time because she was setting up two young Jewish men. I watched. Ouch.
I am sad that this woman is representing matchmaking in such a public way. I cannot find anything to admire about how she runs her business. Watching her show is actually painful, and I won’t put myself through such torture ever again.
Some people love the sound of their own voices so much, that when they run out of things to say, they make up words just so they can keep talking. I would rather stick my hand down my own throat, and remove my kidney, than be set up by this woman. Millionaires are better off sending their money to Haiti.
She starts off the show talking with Rabbi Shmuley and tells him that her company is not about people dating for money. Really? Then why is it called the Millionaire Matchmaker? Why is she on television? Andy Cohen, we need to talk. I love you, but you must make it stop!
She gets a new client with a beard and says from the nose up he’s Jewish, and from the mouth down he’s terrorist. He likes to paint and so she calls him feminine. She says he is a man in business but needs to be a man in the bedroom. She has seen his tape for less than a minute and this is what she has determined.
The next client is an actor who is 5’ 6”. She says his hands are small and therefore she is worried he is not well endowed. Oh. My. God. I am amazed that she is on television as an example of what a matchmaker is, and even worse, what a Jewish woman in her 40’s is.
She says there is no way for these clients to get hot girls when they look like they do. Then why did she take their money? There is somebody for everyone. In most cases, there is more than one person.
She tells her clients they are useless and will never meet anyone. Why would someone pay to be treated so poorly? She is now going to do a recruiting session with the women for these men.
The first chick is a little Jewish girl who says she fasted for Yom Kipper, which is why she looks emaciated like she just came out of Auschwitz. This may be the most offensive show on television. I would rather hang out with Frank the Entertainer in his basement than with the people on this show. Why are Jewish organizations not fighting to get this show cancelled?
There is one girl who is fresh out of college and she waits tables at The Olive Garden. Patti tells her the economy is tough and she should marry a millionaire. Is she kidding? She talks about how her service is not for gold diggers but just advised a girl to marry a millionaire instead of focusing on her professional life.
The men arrive for the mixer and both think the other is no competition. She calls one a grandpa and says she would date the other one. It’s all very sad. While the actor is a bit over the top, they are two nice Jewish boys and that they felt the need to go on this show is just sad. Sad for them and sad for us.
Both of the men asked for Jewish women. Patti says. “I threw in a few shiksas because love knows no religion”. It is unbearable to watch. I would cut off my own arm with a butter knife before I watch this show again. I invite Patti to sit down and debate me. Come on Sweetie. Lets you and I sit in a room with a bunch of Jewish singles and discuss dating. I dare you.
The show is only 34 minutes in and I simply cannot stand to watch one more minute. She talks about mitzvahs and blessings but sets up Jewish men, who requested Jewish women, with girls who are not Jewish. I don’t get it.
Patti Stanger needs to wrap up her 15 minutes and this show should be cancelled. I’m sure looking for love when you are a millionaire has its own set of obstacles and challenges. When given choices of how to spend your money, use it to fix the world and focus your energy on keeping the faith.
January 29, 2010 | 4:33 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
After a self-imposed dating hiatus, I finally went on a date. Oh. My. God. I discovered that there is in fact a hell on earth. It is a date with “Bob”.
We all know Jewish men are my preference. I am a practicing Jew and I would like to be with a man who shares my faith. The majority of people in my life tell me I should let that go and think outside the box. Maybe I will one day, but for now it is important, so I’m not budging.
Bob found me online and sent a lovely email. He was charming and funny. He appeared to be a regular guy and lacked the “I’m full of crap” vibe that is found in big huge piles all over dating sites. He is 45, 5”10, and quite attractive. He did not list his religion.
I respond to his email. We go back and forth a few times, then exchange numbers. We chat and he seems very nice. I ask him what his religion is, and he tells me he is Jewish. We made a plan to meet for dinner.
My friends think dinner for a date is stupid. You are stuck with someone for at least an hour, and that can be brutal. A drink or coffee is easier. It’s not as much of a risk or commitment, but it feels like an interview to me. Surely I can be mature enough to enjoy a meal and talk with someone.
We meet for dinner. I walk in and look around but I don’t see him, so I wait at the bar. He is now 10 minutes late. My phone rings and it’s him. He asks if I’m ok and am I on the way. I tell him I’m at the bar waiting for him. He is in the restaurant and I walked right by him. Not a good sign.
He comes to get me from the bar and I am in total shock. He is not 45. He is a much older man. I am clearly surprised and he appears to be, for a quick second, embarrassed. We go sit at the table and the gross fest begins.
I remind him that he stated online that he was 45. He tells me that he is a great guy and was not getting hits when he listed his real age, so he changed it “a little” to get interest. He is really 57. The picture he posted was when taken he was 45. He thinks he looks exactly the same. He actually looks about 65.
He is not 5’10”. He is 5’’8’ but wears cowboy boots, which make him 5’10”, and since he wears them everyday, it’s just easier to list his boot height. He is also not Jewish. I list myself as Jewish and since he is agnostic, it seemed as good a religion as any to say he was.
I am in shock at this point. The level of dishonestly in the man blows me away. He is crazy. He grew up in New Jersey and all I can think about is The Situation from Jersey Sore. This is what he will be like when he gets old. I am on a date with a 57 year old Situation.
My hair looked pretty, I’m wearing a super cute outfit, and I was charming and kind. However, when I told him that I was surprised by his series of lies, he told me I was shallow, selfish and unattractive. That’s when I had enough and hit the wall.
I got up, said thank you, and left. Really? How is it possible that men are like this? I know women do the same things, but this is about Bob. When did it become okay to be so horrible to people? I went on a date with a compulsive liar and in the end he said it was me that had issues.
Dating is brutal and this was enough to make me stop dating. I struggle to find a reason to bother trying anymore. Some days I just don’t think I have it in me.
At the end of the day, it’s just another bad date and not the end of the world. The thing is, with each man that is incapable of being decent to another human being, I am inspired to keep looking. When I meet the right man, I will appreciate him more because of men like Bob.
I have a date with another man this weekend. I will go, slightly jaded, but still hopeful. As long as I am jaded, but my spirit is not broken, I will be able to keep doing this. Whether or not I can stick with it until I meet someone great, will be determined by my ability to keep the faith.
January 29, 2010 | 1:21 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I allowed my ego to guide my life this week. Sometimes the best thing I can do for myself is not listen to me. Whatever I tell myself I should do or say, I must do the opposite. When it comes to decisions about my own life, there are situations and subjects where I feel I cannot be trusted.
There are strange people in the world and I discovered that a lot of them read my blog. It is amazing that for every 100 people that read it, 99 could love it, but I care more about what the one person who hated it thinks. I need to stop caring about that one person.
I am happy that Samantha Harris has quit her job with Dancing With The Stars. I never got her. I am looking forward to the new season even more now. I hope they don’t replace her with someone lame.
I am pre-dating a man I met online last week. He makes me laugh out loud which is sexy. We have a great connection on the phone, but have yet to meet each other. No good can come of this. Pre-dating always leads to disaster.
My son applied to his top three high schools this week. I feel proud, old, scared, nervous and excited for him. He is growing up so fast.
I am going to read Catcher In The Rye again this weekend.
I am standing by Elizabeth Edwards.
I think bullies are unattractive.
I am looking forward to the continuing blood bath on The Bachelor. Jake is taking control, and it is fabulous.
I am not going to stop sharing my opinion, in my own words. I am going to try really hard to not get in my own way, and more importantly, not allow my decisions to be influenced by my fear.
Rough week. Lessons Learned. Faith tested. I hit a roadblock. The most surprising thing was that it turns out I placed it there all by myself.
When you have a goal and a direction set, as you get closer to what you are seeking, doubt and fear can creep in. I need to take a deep breath, stay focused, and trust myself. I must remember that a detour only slows me down, and does not need to change my destination.
Thank you for all the emails of support. They are appreciated more than you could ever know. Looking back over the week, it is clear I lost my way because I simply forgot to keep the faith.
January 27, 2010 | 8:05 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I posted a couple of blogs this week that the Jewish Journal felt were not in line with their core values, so they determined it best to remove them. My intention was never to compromise the integrity of The Jewish Journal and if that is what happened, then I am sorry.
Here’s the thing, I write my opinion. My blogs are based on my experiences and my take on things. If I feel strongly about someone, or something, then I am going to write about it. The Jewish Journal has allowed me the freedom to speak my mind, and for that I am very grateful. At the end of the day, it is their site and they need to feel okay with my work. That said, it is my work and I will defend it.
I am able to edit myself and welcome the edits and opinions of others. There is a fine line however, between editing and censorship, and that line was blurred today. I am going to be meeting with the Journal to determine what that line is, so we can come to a place where I feel I am able to speak freely, and they can feel comfortable with my blog being on their site.
It’s all good people. I have a date tonight and I will keep detailed notes so I can share with you later.
Thanks for reading and remember to Keep The Faith.
January 27, 2010 | 2:39 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
This article has been removed by JewishJournal.com.