Posted by Ilana Angel
I have had a series of unfortunate dates. I am not sure how it is that I keep meeting men who are so horrible, but I do. In meeting men who are repulsive, you can’t help but look back at past relationships and compare the old to the new. Were my past relationships with men who were unworthy? Were they the right men at the wrong time? Am I dating the same type of man as always? It makes me wonder, if I look back, will I be able to see ahead?
Do I need to pick a different type of man? There are similarities between the men I have been involved with, but are those bad things or just things? I have had three serious relationships in the past seventeen years. All ended badly. By badly of course I mean my heart was broken. When a serious relationship ends, and you have a child, the heartbreak doubles because you have to mend not only your broken heart, but that of your child, who also feels the loss.
The three men I have loved since I got divorced were all Jewish, handsome, and bad boys. One was a cheater, one was a liar, one was a cheater and a liar. I don’t take the cheating or lying personally. Years of therapy have given me that clarity. Jews and therapy go together like peanut butter and jelly. I am not ashamed to say I not only go to therapy, but I love it. I don’t think I loved the wrong men. I do think I stayed with men longer than I should have.
My son, who is approaching 18, has an interesting view of these three men. We spoke of them recently and I was fascinated by his perspective. My first serious relationship was when my son was 9 years old. I was engaged, and 6 weeks before our wedding he cheated on me. Turns out he cheated a lot. He was a pilot and enjoyed a little recreational sex while he was jetting around. He broke my heart. Turns out my son did not like him that much and was not disappointed.
He loved him because I did, not because he did. That is a powerful. I don’t want to be with someone who my son loves just because I do. I dodged a bullet on that one. I dated the 2nd man when my son was 12. He thought he was cool, but he did not love him. He thought of him more of a pal than anything else, and when that relationship ended he could not have cared any less. That man was a liar in the end and I don’t think of him in any real way now.
My son was 15 when I began dating the Englishman. As much as I loved him, which was deep and profound, my son may have loved him more. They were friends, confidents, partners in crime, and my son viewed him as my boyfriend, but also as a friend to him and a role model. The end of our relationship knocked me on my ass. It also broke my son’s heart, which in turn shattered mine into a million pieces. He was a cheater and a liar. I will never forgive him.
While I struggle to find lessons learned in past relationships, my son has learned many things. He has seen me laugh and cry because of love. He has a view of a woman’s heart that while sad for me to face, has taught him things about himself and what he sees as acceptable behavior for a man. He told me I don’t have to worry about a broken heart because he will always help put mine back together. He also said he respects me as a mother and a woman.
No matter how cloudy my view of men might be, it is when I look at my own baby, that I can clearly see what it means to be a good man. He is amazing and I love him more with each breath I take. He is not perfect of course, and will undoubtedly break a girl’s heart at some point, but that he views my heart with respect and love touches me. I have a remarkable child and I am proud of him, and me. I am worthy of a wonderful man and must simply keep trying.
In the end I do need to change the type of men I date. There is one thing the men I have loved share in common, and that is the asshole gene. I can deal with a man being an occasional schmuck, putz, and douche. That is in their DNA. Bless them. I must stay away from assholes however. No good can come from dating an ass. I take my share of responsibility for relationships ending, but the blame can firmly be placed on the shoulders of an asshole.
To be fair, it takes two to tango and placing blame is not necessary, or mature. It does make me feel better, but it is not necessary. Relationships come and go, and one must be grateful for feeling love, not matter how long it lasts. I will continue to date, hope, and try. More importantly, I will continue to pray. Pray that I can avoid assholes. They are hard to detect, and even harder to resist. I need to be brave, aware, and smart. All possible if I am keeping the faith.
12.11.13 at 6:58 am | I watch in awe and stare with envy at these. . .
12.5.13 at 3:16 pm | Heaven has received a blessing today.
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11.30.13 at 10:42 am | "The only correct actions are those that demand. . .
11.29.13 at 1:56 pm | My nest will never empty as my son will always be. . .
11.28.13 at 7:59 am | Think. Laugh. Cry.
9.15.13 at 3:14 pm | I love you Russell Brand. (416)
7.25.11 at 5:38 pm | We need more Jews! (282)
12.5.13 at 3:16 pm | Heaven has received a blessing today. (203)
August 25, 2013 | 2:21 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Last night I threw a drink in the face of my date. It was shocking to him and me both. I did not plan it, enjoy it, or feel any sense of accomplishment in my actions. It happened. I regret it. It was disrespectful to the man I was with, and while I believe it was justified, it was not polite, kind, or appropriate. Well, it was appropriate, but not kind.
We all have deal breakers when it comes to dating. It changes for everyone as what may be important to one, will not matter to the other. I have deal breakers, but would be hard pressed to come up with a list written in stone. For example, I would not date a smoker. I used to be a smoker however, so if someone were trying to quit, I would be open because I quit myself.
I have dated men who are tall, short, large, small, educated, and street smart. I have dated men who are lovely, and men who are not. Now schmucks seem to be my specialty, but even when in a relationship with a schmuck, there have been moments so wonderful, I have been able to overlook the profound level to which they are an asshole. It’s a gift.
Sadly, there are many women with this gift. The innate ability to allow your heart to override your brain, therefore staying in a relationship with a schmuck when you know you should run. I have had this gift for a very long time. My entire adult life actually. I like to think I learn from each loser, but I don’t. My romantic heart is fooled more often than not.
My heart is loving, giving, compassionate, and kind. My heart rules my romantic life, and also my real life, so I cannot try to change her, as it would change who I am as a human being. That said, she needs to wise up a little. Last night she took a giant leap forward in her journey to get some clarity, for at the first sight of a freak, she did right by me, and we ran.
My dated lasted about 15 minutes. That is how long it took for this man to offend me in such a way that left me gasping for air, frightened, and so desperate to leave that I threw a drink at him in order to shock him and delay his reaction long enough to get the hell out of there. I cried the entire drive home, and took an hour to drive 10 minutes incase he was following.
It sounds very dramatic, but the truth is it may have been dramatic only for me as I am not sure another woman would have reacted in the same way. I won’t repeat what was said, but it was a deal breaker for me. I take comfort in knowing that at the first sign of his being an ass, I walked away without lingering. A small step, but still a massive victory.
Turns out that when it comes to deal breakers I do have a list carved in stone. I will not tolerate a man who speaks about violence towards women or children. I am not interested in jokes, opinions, or thoughts that in any way condone violence towards a woman or a child. I also do not appreciate or put any entertainment value on jokes about Hitler or the Holocaust.
It got me to thinking about love and dating, hope and fear. My initial reaction last night was that I will never go another date. I have been blessed to know love, and the joy of having and raising a child, so it would not be unreasonable to think my blessings have already happened in the love department, and my focus should be on enjoying what I have.
Last night I came home broken. I was mortified by my date and struggled to shake it off. I ended up speaking late into the night with a new friend and I went to bed feeling better. It turns out that assholes are not that smart and show their true colors rather quickly. It is our job as women to pay attention. If we take a deep breath we can detect schmucks a mile away.
I am feeling blessed that my new friend unknowingly eased my sorrow and allowed me to get a good night sleep. I woke up feeling better. My son returned from sleeping at a friend’s house and we spent the morning together. He is an angel and I love him. He reminds me who I am, what I deserve, and that I will one day have it all if I keep the faith.
August 23, 2013 | 9:50 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I had a date last night. He said he was 5’10”, he was 5’7”. He said we should meet for a drink, so we met at a local bar, but he is sober and had a coke, so I had a drink by myself. He said he was born in Israel but raised in New York, but he has only been in the United Stated for 5 years. He said his kids were grown, but failed to mention that the kids from his first marriage were grown, but he has an 8 year old from his second marriage.
How is it possible that this man thinks his dating practices make sense? He is a liar, and the lies are obvious, so he comes off looking like a total idiot. Three inches is obvious so that lie is just pathetic. Taking a woman out for a drink when you don’t drink is just awkward. We could have met for a walk, or a coffee, or desert. There are so many things to do on a date that do not involve drinking, so why do something that you don’t even do?
If you are from a foreign land that has an accent when speaking English, and you have not been here that long, the accent will give away the fact that you were not raised here. Own it instead of lying about how long you’ve been here. To completely skip over one of your children makes you a moron. That a man seemingly forgets to mention a child is offensive to me as a mother and I do not want to get to know you on any level. It’s just mean.
I will never get how these men think. I say these men because this is not the first time a man has lied on a date. I don’t think it is limited to online dating either. If you are actually planning to meet people, then shouldn’t you try to put your best foot forward and save the lies for later? Or, perhaps just not lie at all? What is the appeal of lying? One can only assume that the lies mean they are not really interested in being serious.
Here’s the thing, there are a lot of people online who will date a liar because they are liars. People want to pretend they are someone else, so those people should pretend with each other and leave the serious people to date serious people. An unrealistic expectation of course, but still, what the hell was he thinking? I managed to stay on the date for 45 minutes before I made the great escape. 45 minutes was my limit on this one.
I told him I needed to go help my son who had a flat tire. I felt bad for about it for about 10 seconds, then got over it. My son called while I was out so I took his call, and when he hung up I kept talking to a dead line and pretended he needed me to help him. Sorry. I thanked him for the drink, told him we were not a match, and headed out. He called me about an hour later to make sure all was well and asked me to go out again.
When he asked me out I had two choices. I could tell him the truth, or become what he was, which is a liar. I opted to be myself and tell the truth. I called him out on his height, his accent, and the fact that he skipped over one of his kids. He told me he really was 5’10” and clearly I don’t know what that looks like. He then said his accent was not that bad, and as for his kid, he said it simply slipped his mind that his son was so young,
Really? For the love of God. I laughed, wished him well, and wrapped it up. I had another drink at home, and went to bed. It was 9:30. Ah the life of a single gal in Los Angeles. I have another date this weekend with a man that I actually asked out. We have spoken on the phone a few times and so we’ll see if what we spoke about is actually true. A girl can dream. It really makes me wonder about how it is for men who are dating.
Do women lie as much? I cannot imagine a woman forgetting to mention one of her kids. I understand lies about height, weight, and age, but I’m guessing men lie about those things more than women. The accent was my fault because I did not speak to him prior to the date. It was spontaneous and quick so there was no call. Big mistake. If I have talked to him I would have caught the first lie immediately and that might have helped.
Dating is not fun. The thought of meeting someone great is fun, but the actually job of dating is lame. I shall keep trying because if nothing else it makes for a good blog. At some point however, it will become too much and I will opt for another cat over another date. All I can do is pray I find a keeper before I hit the wall. Good things come to those who wait so maybe I should just wait. Give up dating, and simply keep the faith.
August 22, 2013 | 12:45 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Just when I think I have heard it all, I come across a man that reminds me there is nothing more horrific than dating. I often wonder if these men are only found in Los Angeles. Is LA the hardest city In the world to date? I live here so of course I will say yes, but I’m guessing women around the world think their city is worse. In the end men are men, and no matter where they live, when it comes dating, men are crazy.
I don’t date women, so I will make this about men, but I know it goes both ways and there is a lot of crazy from the chicks too. The truth is that dating is hard. People who are already crazy become crazy on a whole new level when they are dating. Today I got an email from a man who makes me want to convert to Catholicism and become a nun so dating is no longer an option. A bold statement for a Jew. Dear Lord.
This is the email I received this morning: “I enjoyed reading your profile and it appears we have a lot in common. Take a look at mine and let me know if you are interested in pursuing something. I am looking for a woman who likes sex and golf. I will need you to be involved in both or it won’t work. They are my passions and require your passion so if you can dive in and keep up you are someone I want to be involved with.”
Really? One must laugh at things like this you will loose your mind. I wonder if he knows he is a moron and that a nice Jewish girl from the valley would rather be a nun than go out on a date with him. I will usually delete ridiculous emails like this, but I am going to hang onto this one. It was a mortifying note and I almost wrote him back. Important to note he is 51, separated, has 3 or more kinds, and sports a comb over.
I appreciate the interest when a man writes me because it requires bravery to contact a stranger, but this man needs a little advice on his journey to find someone. Men should not write a woman they do not know and tell her sex and golf are mandatory in order to date them. First of all, before men start making demands of the women they want to date, they might want to get themselves a good haircut and finalize their divorce.
Sex is important in a relationship, but a date is not a relationship. I would keep that requirement to myself until I actually meet someone and might have sex. As for golf, I don’t play it, or get it, and have no desire to learn. I will however drive a golf cart for the man I love and sip on a cocktail while he plays his beloved sport. Saying a woman is required to love golf knocks out great women who hate it, but will take one for the team.
Men are a strange. They are also fabulous, so if one can overlook the strange and search for the fabulous, great things can happen. I pray that each loser gets me closer to the right one. I also believe someone’s loser is someone else’s Price Charming, so to the woman who loves golf and sex, I wish you the best with your new man. The search continues. I am exhausted by the whole thing, but also hopeful, and keeping the faith.
August 21, 2013 | 8:50 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I have had no contact with my ex-boyfriend for months. I have spent all that time hopeful we would be able to be friends one day. I truly thought our relationship was something special and we would be able to get over the hurt and come to a place of friendship. It has not happened, and the truth is it probably never will. I have been waiting for something that makes no sense, and in the end something that is unrealistic.
I was contacted last week by his children. I have not seen them in months, and our communication has been very minimal. It has been a source of pain for me because I love these two sisters very much. I respect them as people, think they are remarkable women, and have been sad to not have contact. I felt it was not my place to reach out, so I shut out these girls to protect myself, which was not right.
Last night my son and me had dinner with the girls. I was nervous and felt anxious about it all day. I cried at the sight of them and was touched by the beautiful bouquet of flowers they brought me. We laughed and cried and got caught up. We spoke of their father of course, but it was not about him, it was about us. We have a deep love for each other and that they want to continue a relationship with me is very special.
When I met them I loved them because of their father. Now I love them in spite of their father. They are not my children, but they are my friends, and they matter to me. I want to be there for them in any way that they need, and I did not realize it until last night. I was so worried about doing the wrong thing, that I did not notice I was actually doing the wrong thing. If there is blame to be placed, it must be placed on me.
This is not about my past relationship. I loved him and I would not change that. I love him now and I always will. I cannot punish his children or myself that it didn’t work out. My son loves these girls. They are like siblings and they have all kept their distance out of loyalty and love to their parents. As parents however, we need to encourage children to stay connected to each other. They have a close bond and it matters.
I am a lucky woman to have loved this man and the best parts of him are these two young women. I feel blessed that they were strong enough to reach out to me, It was hard for them because they were unsure if I would be receptive. In the end there is love and we are lucky that we got back on track. I went to bed feeling devastated by the visit, but woke up feeling happy, content and restored. It is a good day.
I have these girls back in my life and it is wonderful. Their father knew of their plans to see me and that he did not try to stop it makes me happy. He may not be able to be my friend, but that he is okay with my being friends with his children is lovely. I wish him nothing but good things and I hope he is happy. Life goes on and I am lucky that these children loved me enough to reach out, hang on, and keep the faith.
August 16, 2013 | 3:41 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Being a mother is my life’s work and greatest joy. Nothing in my life is as important or valuable as being a mother. Not any mother, a mother to my child. He is a remarkable young man and a truly wonderful human being. He makes me happy, he eases my sorrow, he gives me joy, and he is the piece of my soul that allows me to breathe deeply and enjoy every moment of life.
He starts his senior year of high school next week and I am proud of him. He knows what he wants and is on an epic journey to get it. He has known what he wanted to do with his life since he was little and I have absolutely no doubt that he is going to achieve everything he sets out to accomplish. He is amazing and it is in large part because of the woman who raised him.
My son has been back east for the past 17 days. It has been almost unbearable to have him gone so long and it is only through the magic of Facetime that I am not sitting in a corner crying over his being gone. As I write this, my son has safely landed back in Los Angeles. His dad is picking him up at the airport so they can have dinner before he comes to me.
This time has been a real test for me. It was like a practice round for his leaving for university next year. While very difficult, I did okay. Granted we spoke every single day, and he did text me what he was up to with a final text letting me know he was safely in for the night, I still did pretty good. I know that won’t happen when he goes to college, but it is baby steps.
I love him. I love him in a way that keeps me sane, and focused on my own dreams. All of my hopes for my own future are wrapped up in this child. The things I want and need are a direct reflection of what I want and need to give him. It is my greatest accomplishment when I can provide things to help further his dreams. He has my unconditional love and support.
With my baby home safe and sound, and a few more days of summer vacation before he heads back to school, I am taking some days off. I am going to do mundane things, like back to school shopping, but I am going to do it with no other things on my list of things to do. I am going to focus on my child and this wonderful time in his life. It is the end of a chapter for us both.
His senior year will be exciting. I want him to have the kind of year that when he looks back on years from now, he smiles and thinks it was great. I am going to enjoy the weekend with my boy. We are going to just be together. I have a few surprises planned, but the goal is to stay away from the computer, not answer the phone, and be a full time mommy.
Summer vacation is a stressful time for mothers. We need to entertain our children, spend a small fortune on their activities, and pray for school to start back up. Now that school is around the corner, I wish summer could last longer and I could go back to a time when he needed me more, and hanging out with his mom was a pleasure not torture. A girl can dream.
I am now sitting and waiting. I have been waiting for him to call me everyday and now I am waiting for him to walk in the front door. Each second feels like a minute and each minute feels like an hour. I am smiling and giddy and waiting. I am going to hug and kiss him until he begs me to stop. I hope you are all having a lovely summer and until we meet again, keep the faith.
August 16, 2013 | 8:38 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I wrote a man on Match.com this week. His profile was beautifully written, lacked the typical stench of online dating crap, and he was just the right amount of sarcastic and funny. He is handsome, smart, Jewish, and entertaining. He wrote back and we ended up speaking on the phone. It was an easy and comfortable conversation. We had a lot in common and I was surprised by how “normal” he was. It was a very nice exchange and I liked him a lot.
We spoke again later in the day and it was great. He is very easy to talk to and I laughed easily and often. I wonder if it is because he is not from Los Angeles, and has a more Canadian vibe, being from upstate New York. He lacks pretention and smugness, which I found to be really attractive. He is adorable and I have a little bit of a crush on him. After two phone calls however, we spoke of plans to meet, but he did not ask me out.
Dating online is a numbers game. I get written to a lot but there are very few men I actually go out with. When you come across someone that you would actually go on a date with, and they don’t ask, it is frustrating. It is also confusing. If he liked me would he not ask me out? Is he just being nice? Am I in the friend zone and therefore not getting a date? The most secure person can be made to feel out of control and desperate.
Not desperate for a date, but desperate for clarification. I have old fashioned views in terms of men and women and their roles, but at the same time I am bold and fearless in how I approach dating, so the question becomes: should a woman ask a man out or wait for him to ask her? Instead of worrying about why a man does not ask you out, why not just ask him out yourself? What is the worse thing that can happen? He says no?
I spoke to this man a couple more times and again, great. After 4 phone calls, and talk of getting together, I decided I was simply going to ask him out. I panicked for a minute and asked my Twitter and Facebook followers if it was appropriate for a woman to ask a man out. The responses were interesting, but not very helpful. I heard from men and women, and it was a split decision of both good and bad for me to ask him out. Oy vey.
The biggest problem I have with dating is me. I over think everything and assume there is some big thing going on that I need to figure out. The fact is that dating is very simple. You meet someone, decide if they are worth pursuing, move forward if you do, and move on if you don’t. People say it is the heart that confuses things, but before the heart is even involved, it is the brain that screws us up. Dating requires us to stop thinking.
So I had plans with a friend for dinner this week and she cancelled because of work. I was having a particularly fabulous hair day and didn’t want to waste it, so I decided to be brave, stop thinking about it, and ask him out. I asked, and he said yes. He hadn’t asked because he is working on a project for work and unavailable until next week. Why didn’t I think the reason he hadn’t asked me out was because he is a busy professional and dad?
We made plans to meet next week and I am looking forward to it. I was happy I asked, he was gracious and flattered that I asked, and life goes on. I think we will go out next week, and the thing is that if we don’t, it will still be okay. I am dating and it sucks, but it is better if I allow myself to be me and me has no problem asking a man out. The truth is that a man who does not like a woman to ask him out is probably not the man for me.
If I am able to decide where to go on a date, whether or not to kiss a man, make out with a man, and sleep with a man, then why am I so hesitant to ask out a man? Instead of thinking I am brave, I need to remember I am brave.. I asked a man out and the world didn’t stop turning. Go figure. The key to finding love is to be yourself, and I ask men out, so we’ll see if my bravery pays off and he really liked it. Until then, I am keeping the faith.
August 12, 2013 | 10:22 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
What is it with men and babies? A man asked me out last week who is 53 years old, divorced, has 4 kids, and would like to have another one. Really? For the love of God, what is this man thinking? If he had a baby yesterday, he would be 73 years old when the kid graduated high school. I am 47, my only child is 17, and I am done having babies. A baby now would put me over the edge. Don’t misunderstand, I LOVE babies and wish I could have had more, but having a baby when you are middle aged is simply not appealing.
If he didn’t have any kids I might understand, but with 4 children already, ranging in age from 8-27, I just don’t get it. Being a parent is the greatest joy in life, if you want children, but at what point does having a child not make sense anymore? Is he trying to recapture his youth? Reverse the hands of time and be young through his kids? Does he have something to prove? Perhaps he wants to date a younger woman and thought putting it out there that he wants more kids will make him more attractive?
Mother Nature limits the time women can carry a child, but men can have babies forever. Just because you can, does not mean you should. I told the lovely yet delusional man that we were not a match. I did however accept an invitation to drinks from anther man. In all of his online pictures he was wearing sunglasses. Odd to be sure, but I let is pass because he was insanely funny. I actually asked him about the pictures and he laughed it off saying he never even noticed all the pictures were of him in sunglasses.
We met for a drink and he was lovely. Funny, sweet, charming, and sporting a glass eye. He never told me it was a glass eye and I am not an expert on glass eyes, but I am pretty sure it was in fact a glass eye. I found it a little distracting and the truth is that if I had a glass eye I would probably not tell someone I was meeting for a drink. It was just odd. In the end we had different interests and while kind, he was not for me. It is just a shame that in the end I will remember the eye more than the actual date.
Does that make me a bad person? I have horrible eyesight and am not really bothered by a glass eye, but it was strange and I felt bad about it. He had written me the perfect online dating email that was sort and sweet. I am a fan of the basic email approach, not the long drawn out email. I got another email this weekend that was at least one full page. He spoke of his desires and dreams and it was creepy. I don’t want to know your fantasies and desires when I don’t know who you are. Who even thinks that is okay?
I read the entire email only because I was fascinated, not because it was interesting. I wrote him back and said we were not a match, but what I really wanted to tell him is that he is weird and needs to rethink his approach. I am certain it is the same email he sends to everyone, so maybe some chicks like it? I would say that those women are also weird. Online dating is a strange thing. It is an experiment, a job, a punishment, and a pain in the ass. It is also a necessary thing in the times we live in.
I had a lovely couple of dates with the Mechanic and thought that might be something. We met online and he was a breath of fresh air in a cloud of toxic gas. In the end he was not sure he was looking for monogamy. Really? We didn’t sleep together of course, and now there is no shot in hell of that ever happening. I respect his being honest, but he went from delicious to douchebag in one minute. It could be that he knew it was a deal breaker and simply didn’t want to sleep with me, so he used monogamy to get out.
Everyone says that men are simple and if women stop trying to figure them out we would be better off. I happen to think that men may be simple in some ways, but they are also confused, complicated, and frankly stupid. There is no point in trying to figure them out as it will never happen. That said, when I meet a man I don’t need to figure out, he will be the one. Women may like to follow the rules, but men like to play games, and they make up their own rules. The problem is that the rules keep changing.
At the end of the day one must laugh at the whole thing. If you are going to date online and don’t have a sense of humor about it, you don’t stand a shot in hell of ever finding a keeper. There are no guarantees in life or love. Online dating is a crapshoot and so one must be willing to gamble. I’ve never understood craps and maybe that is my problem. I keep rolling the dice with no idea of what is a good roll and what is bad. All I can do is keep trying, keep an open mind, keep laughing, keep focused, and keep the faith.