Posted by Ilana Angel
Ever since my son started the process of applying to colleges I have been crying. I am overcome with pride and fear at the same time. He is a remarkable human being and my entire heart is wrapped up in him and so the thought that we have arrived to this place, when I feel like I just had him, is something I cannot understand. College is a beginning and an ending.
It is the beginning of an adventure for him as he becomes an adult and carves out the path he wants his future to take. It is the end of the life we have been living together for almost 18 years. I am very ready for his beginning, as I have been preparing him for it since he was born. I am not ready for the life we have to change and so I cry. A lot.
Tonight my son was Face Timing with a friend of his who just went away to college on the east coast. They have been friends for a long time and I am a fan of this girl. She is smart and funny and has beautiful manners and a kind heart. She is very close to my son and they went from talking everyday for hours, to less now that she is away at school. He misses her.
I miss her too. She is one of those kids that I never had to worry about. If my son was talking to her, it was cool. If they were out together, it was cool. I adore this girl and have not spoken to her since she left for school a few weeks ago. Tonight when they were Face Timing we had a chance to talk and it was great to see her. As soon as we were done, I started to cry.
This lovely young girl looked all grown up. I’m sure it was all in my head, but seeing her away at school, across the country, by herself, made me see her differently. She looked like a woman not a child. That didn’t make me cry, but when I thought about how she looked I jumped to how I will see my son when he is away as school, and that made me cry. He is my baby.
I got married when I was 25 and after years of infertility treatments, I had my son when I was 30, and I was divorced by the time I was 31. I went to work when my son was 3 months old and managed to put him through ten years of private school with no financial assistance from his father. He gives me everything I need, so I gave him everything he needs.
I have cried for no apparent reason everyday for the past week and am proud of the fact that my son has not seen it. The truth is that the tears are from a place of joy and pride, so it would not be a big deal if he saw it. I just figure that it is only September and the college application process with take a while so I will delay his seeing me bawl for as long as I can.
I don’t know how to live without this child with me and I am a little scared about how I will manage. In the end I will be fine because my pride will outweigh my sadness. I will learn to live life differently, just as he will, and eventually I will stop crying. By eventually of course I mean in about 4 years. Until then I will buy lots of Kleenex and keep the faith.
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September 11, 2013 | 6:28 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
On 9/11, 2001, 2,819 people were killed during the attacks on America. We must never forget what happened. These are the names of the people who died on that horrible day. Remember. Pray. Keep the faith.
Gordon M. Aamoth, Jr. Edelmiro Abad Maria Rose Abad Andrew Anthony Abate Vincent Abate Laurence Christopher Abel William F. Abrahamson Richard Anthony Aceto Jesus Acevedo Rescand Heinrich Bernhard Ackermann Paul Acquaviva Donald LaRoy Adams Patrick Adams Shannon Lewis Adams Stephen George Adams Ignatius Udo Adanga Christy A. Addamo Terence E. Adderley, Jr. Sophia Buruwad Addo Lee Allan Adler Daniel Thomas Afflitto Emmanuel Akwasi Afuakwah Alok Agarwal Mukul Kumar Agarwala Joseph Agnello David Scott Agnes Brian G. Ahearn Jeremiah Joseph Ahern Joanne Marie Ahladiotis Shabbir Ahmed Terrance Andre Aiken Godwin Ajala Gertrude M. Alagero Andrew Alameno Margaret Ann Alario Gary M. Albero Jon Leslie Albert Peter Alderman Jacquelyn Delaine Aldridge David D. Alger Sarah Ali-Escarcega Ernest Alikakos Edward L. Allegretto Eric Allen Joseph Ryan Allen Richard Dennis Allen Richard Lanard Allen Christopher E. Allingham Janet M. Alonso Arturo Alva-Moreno Anthony Alvarado Antonio Javier Alvarez Victoria Alvarez-Brito Telmo E. Alvear Cesar Amoranto Alviar Tariq Amanullah Angelo Amaranto James M. Amato Joseph Amatuccio Christopher Charles Amoroso Kazuhiro Anai Calixto Anaya, Jr. Joseph Anchundia Kermit Charles Anderson Yvette Constance Anderson John Andreacchio Michael Rourke Andrews Jean Ann Andrucki Siew-Nya Ang Joseph Angelini, Jr. Joseph Angelini, Sr. Laura Angilletta Doreen J. Angrisani Lorraine Antigua Peter Paul Apollo Faustino Apostol, Jr. Frank Thomas Aquilino Patrick Michael Aranyos David Arce Michael George Arczynski Louis Arena Adam P. Arias Michael Armstrong Jack Charles Aron Joshua Aron Richard Avery Aronow Japhet Jesse Aryee Patrick Asante Carl Asaro Michael Asciak Michael Edward Asher Janice Marie Ashley Thomas J. Ashton Manuel O. Asitimbay Gregg Arthur Atlas Gerald T. Atwood James Audiffred Louis Frank Aversano, Jr. Ezra Aviles Sandy Ayala Arlene T. Babakitis Eustace P. Bacchus John J. Badagliacca Jane Ellen Baeszler Robert J. Baierwalter Andrew J. Bailey Brett T. Bailey Tatyana Bakalinskaya Michael S. Baksh Sharon M. Balkcom Michael Andrew Bane Katherine Bantis Gerard Baptiste Walter Baran Gerard A. Barbara Paul Vincent Barbaro James William Barbella Ivan Kyrillos F. Barbosa Victor Daniel Barbosa Colleen Ann Barkow David Michael Barkway Matthew Barnes Sheila Patricia Barnes Evan J. Baron Renee Barrett-Arjune Nathaly Barrios La Cruz Arthur Thaddeus Barry Diane G. Barry Maurice Vincent Barry Scott D. Bart Carlton W. Bartels Guy Barzvi Inna B. Basina Alysia Basmajian Kenneth William Basnicki Steven Bates Paul James Battaglia Walter David Bauer, Jr. Marlyn Capito Bautista Jasper Baxter Michele Beale Paul Frederick Beatini Jane S. Beatty Lawrence Ira Beck Manette Marie Beckles Carl John Bedigian Michael Earnest Beekman Maria A. Behr Yelena Belilovsky Nina Patrice Bell Debbie Bellows Stephen Elliot Belson Paul M. Benedetti Denise Lenore Benedetto Maria Bengochea Bryan Craig Bennett Eric L. Bennett Oliver Duncan Bennett Margaret L. Benson Dominick J. Berardi James Patrick Berger Steven Howard Berger John P. Bergin Alvin Bergsohn Daniel Bergstein Michael J. Berkeley Donna M. Bernaerts David W. Bernard William Bernstein David M. Berray David S. Berry Joseph J. Berry William Reed Bethke Timothy Betterly Edward Frank Beyea Paul Beyer Anil Tahilram Bharvaney Bella J. Bhukhan Shimmy D. Biegeleisen Peter Alexander Bielfeld William G. Biggart Brian Bilcher Carl Vincent Bini Gary Eugene Bird Joshua David Birnbaum George John Bishop Jeffrey Donald Bittner Albert Balewa Blackman, Jr. Christopher Joseph Blackwell Susan Leigh Blair Harry Blanding, Jr. Janice Lee Blaney Craig Michael Blass Rita Blau Richard Middleton Blood, Jr. Michael Andrew Boccardi John P. Bocchi Michael Leopoldo Bocchino Susan M. Bochino Bruce D. Boehm Mary Catherine Boffa Nicholas Andrew Bogdan Darren Christopher Bohan Lawrence Francis Boisseau Vincent M. Boland, Jr. Alan Bondarenko Andre Bonheur, Jr. Colin Arthur Bonnett Frank Bonomo Yvonne Lucia Bonomo Genieve Bonsignore, 3 Seaon Booker Sherry Ann Bordeaux Krystine Bordenabe Martin Boryczewski Richard Edward Bosco John H. Boulton Francisco Eligio Bourdier Thomas Harold Bowden, Jr. Kimberly S. Bowers Veronique Nicole Bowers Larry Bowman Shawn Edward Bowman, Jr. Kevin L. Bowser Gary R. Box Gennady Boyarsky Pamela Boyce Michael Boyle Alfred Braca Kevin Bracken David Brian Brady Alexander Braginsky Nicholas W. Brandemarti Michelle Renee Bratton Patrice Braut Lydia E. Bravo Ronald Michael Breitweiser Edward A. Brennan III Francis Henry Brennan Michael E. Brennan Peter Brennan Thomas M. Brennan Daniel J. Brethel Gary Lee Bright Jonathan Briley Mark A. Brisman Paul Gary Bristow Mark Francis Broderick Herman Charles Broghammer Keith A. Broomfield Ethel Brown Janice Juloise Brown Lloyd Stanford Brown Patrick J. Brown Bettina Browne Mark Bruce Richard George Bruehert Andrew Brunn Vincent Brunton Ronald Paul Bucca Brandon J. Buchanan Gregory Joseph Buck Dennis Buckley Nancy Clare Bueche Patrick Joseph Buhse John Edwards Bulaga, Jr. Stephen Bunin Matthew J. Burke Thomas Daniel Burke William Francis Burke, Jr. Donald J. Burns Kathleen Anne Burns Keith James Burns John Patrick Burnside Irina Buslo Milton G. Bustillo Thomas M. Butler Patrick Byrne Timothy G. Byrne Jesus Neptali Cabezas Lillian Caceres Brian Joseph Cachia Steven Dennis Cafiero, Jr. Richard M. Caggiano Cecile Marella Caguicla Michael John Cahill Scott Walter Cahill Thomas Joseph Cahill George Cain Salvatore B. Calabro Joseph Calandrillo Philip V. Calcagno Edward Calderon Kenneth Marcus Caldwell Dominick Enrico Calia Felix Calixte Frank Callahan Liam Callahan Luigi Calvi Roko Camaj Michael F. Cammarata David Otey Campbell Geoffrey Thomas Campbell Jill Marie Campbell Robert Arthur Campbell Sandra Patricia Campbell Sean Thomas Canavan John A. Candela Vincent Cangelosi Stephen J. Cangialosi Lisa Bella Cannava Brian Cannizzaro Michael Canty Louis Anthony Caporicci Jonathan Neff Cappello James Christopher Cappers Richard Michael Caproni Jose Manuel Cardona Dennis M. Carey Steve Carey Edward Carlino Michael Scott Carlo David G. Carlone Rosemarie C. Carlson Mark Stephen Carney Joyce Ann Carpeneto Ivhan Luis Carpio Bautista Jeremy M. Carrington Michael Carroll Peter Carroll James Joseph Carson, Jr. Marcia Cecil Carter James Marcel Cartier Vivian Casalduc John Francis Casazza Paul R. Cascio Margarito Casillas Thomas Anthony Casoria William Otto Caspar Alejandro Castano Arcelia Castillo Germaan Castillo Garcia Leonard M. Castrianno Jose Ramon Castro Richard G. Catarelli Christopher Sean Caton Robert John Caufield Mary Teresa Caulfield Judson Cavalier Michael Joseph Cawley Jason David Cayne Juan Armando Ceballos Jason Michael Cefalu Thomas Joseph Celic Ana Mercedes Centeno Joni Cesta Jeffrey Marc Chairnoff Swarna Chalasani William Chalcoff Eli Chalouh Charles Lawrence Chan Mandy Chang Mark Lawrence Charette Gregorio Manuel Chavez Delrose E. Cheatham Pedro Francisco Checo Douglas MacMillan Cherry Stephen Patrick Cherry Vernon Paul Cherry Nester Julio Chevalier Swede Chevalier Alexander H. Chiang Dorothy J. Chiarchiaro Luis Alfonso Chimbo Robert Chin Wing Wai Ching Nicholas Paul Chiofalo John Chipura Peter A. Chirchirillo Catherine Chirls Kyung Hee Cho Abul K. Chowdhury Mohammad Salahuddin Chowdhury Kirsten L. Christophe Pamela Chu Steven Chucknick Wai Chung Christopher Ciafardini Alex F. Ciccone Frances Ann Cilente Elaine Cillo Edna Cintron Nestor Andre Cintron III Robert Dominick Cirri Juan Pablo Cisneros-Alvarez Benjamin Keefe Clark Eugene Clark Gregory Alan Clark Mannie Leroy Clark Thomas R. Clark Christopher Robert Clarke Donna Marie Clarke Michael J. Clarke Suria Rachel Emma Clarke Kevin Francis Cleary James D. Cleere Geoffrey W. Cloud Susan Marie Clyne Steven Coakley Jeffrey Alan Coale Patricia A. Cody Daniel Michael Coffey Jason M. Coffey Florence G. Cohen Kevin Sanford Cohen Anthony Joseph Coladonato Mark Joseph Colaio Stephen Colaio Christopher M. Colasanti Kevin Nathaniel Colbert Michel P. Colbert Keith E. Coleman Scott Thomas Coleman Tarel Coleman Liam Joseph Colhoun Robert D. Colin Robert J. Coll Jean Collin John Michael Collins Michael L. Collins Thomas J. Collins Joseph Collison Patricia Malia Colodner Linda M. Colon Sol E. Colon Ronald Edward Comer Sandra Jolane Conaty Brace Jaime Concepcion Albert Conde Denease Conley Susan P. Conlon Margaret Mary Conner Cynthia Marie Lise Connolly John E. Connolly, Jr. James Lee Connor Jonathan M. Connors Kevin Patrick Connors Kevin F. Conroy Jose Manuel Contreras-Fernandez Brenda E. Conway Dennis Michael Cook Helen D. Cook John A. Cooper Joseph John Coppo, Jr. Gerard J. Coppola Joseph Albert Corbett Alejandro Cordero Robert Cordice Ruben D. Correa Danny A. Correa-Gutierrez James J. Corrigan Carlos Cortes Kevin Cosgrove Dolores Marie Costa Digna Alexandra Costanza Charles Gregory Costello, Jr. Michael S. Costello Conrod K. Cottoy Martin John Coughlan John Gerard Coughlin Timothy J. Coughlin James E. Cove Andre Cox Frederick John Cox James Raymond Coyle Michele Coyle-Eulau Anne Marie Cramer Christopher S. Cramer Denise Elizabeth Crant James Leslie Crawford, Jr. Robert James Crawford Joanne Mary Cregan Lucy Crifasi John A. Crisci Daniel Hal Crisman Dennis Cross Kevin Raymond Crotty Thomas G. Crotty John Crowe Welles Remy Crowther Robert L. Cruikshank John Robert Cruz Grace Yu Cua Kenneth John Cubas Francisco Cruz Cubero Richard J. Cudina Neil James Cudmore Thomas Patrick Cullen lll Joyce Cummings Brian Thomas Cummins Michael Cunningham Robert Curatolo Laurence Damian Curia Paul Dario Curioli Beverly Curry Michael S. Curtin Gavin Cushny John D’Allara Vincent Gerard D’Amadeo Jack D’Ambrosi Mary D’Antonio Edward A. D’Atri Michael D. D’Auria Michael Jude D’Esposito Manuel John Da Mota Caleb Arron Dack Carlos S. DaCosta Joao Alberto DaFonseca Aguiar, Jr. Thomas A. Damaskinos Jeannine Marie Damiani-Jones Patrick W. Danahy Nana Danso Vincent Danz Dwight Donald Darcy Elizabeth Ann Darling Annette Andrea Dataram Lawrence Davidson Michael Allen Davidson Scott Matthew Davidson Titus Davidson Niurka Davila Clinton Davis Wayne Terrial Davis Anthony Richard Dawson Calvin Dawson Edward James Day Jayceryll de Chavez Jennifer De Jesus Monique E. De Jesus Nereida De Jesus Emerita De La Pena Azucena Maria de la Torre David Paul De Rubbio Jemal Legesse De Santis Christian Louis De Simone Melanie Louise De Vere William Thomas Dean Robert J. DeAngelis, Jr. Thomas Patrick DeAngelis Tara E. Debek Anna Marjia DeBin James V. Deblase Paul DeCola Simon Marash Dedvukaj Jason Defazio David A. DeFeo Manuel Del Valle, Jr. Donald Arthur Delapenha Vito Joseph DeLeo Danielle Anne Delie Joseph A. Della Pietra Andrea DellaBella Palmina DelliGatti Colleen Ann Deloughery Francis Albert DeMartini Anthony Demas Martin N. DeMeo Francis Deming Carol K. Demitz Kevin Dennis Thomas F. Dennis Jean DePalma Jose Depena Robert John Deraney Michael DeRienzo Edward DeSimone III Andrew Desperito Cindy Ann Deuel Jerry DeVito Robert P. Devitt, Jr. Dennis Lawrence Devlin Gerard Dewan Sulemanali Kassamali Dhanani Patricia Florence Di Chiaro Debra Ann Di Martino Michael Louis Diagostino Matthew Diaz Nancy Diaz Rafael Arturo Diaz Michael A. Diaz-Piedra III Judith Berquis Diaz-Sierra Joseph Dermot Dickey, Jr. Lawrence Patrick Dickinson Michael D. Diehl John Difato Vincent Difazio Carl Anthony DiFranco Donald Difranco Stephen Patrick Dimino William John Dimmling Marisa DiNardo Schorpp Christopher M. Dincuff Jeffrey Mark Dingle Anthony Dionisio George DiPasquale Joseph Dipilato Douglas Frank DiStefano Ramzi A. Doany John Joseph Doherty Melissa C. Doi Brendan Dolan Neil Matthew Dollard James Joseph Domanico Benilda Pascua Domingo Carlos Dominguez Jerome Mark Patrick Dominguez Kevin W. Donnelly Jacqueline Donovan Stephen Scott Dorf Thomas Dowd Kevin Dowdell Mary Yolanda Dowling Raymond Mathew Downey Frank Joseph Doyle Joseph Michael Doyle Stephen Patrick Driscoll Mirna A. Duarte Michelle Beale Duberry Luke A. Dudek Christopher Michael Duffy Gerard Duffy Michael Joseph Duffy Thomas W. Duffy Antoinette Duger Sareve Dukat Christopher Joseph Dunne Richard Anthony Dunstan Patrick Thomas Dwyer Joseph Anthony Eacobacci John Bruce Eagleson Robert Douglas Eaton Dean Phillip Eberling Margaret Ruth Echtermann Paul Robert Eckna Constantine Economos Dennis Michael Edwards Michael Hardy Edwards Christine Egan Lisa Egan Martin J. Egan, Jr. Michael Egan Samantha Martin Egan Carole Eggert Lisa Caren Ehrlich John Ernst Eichler Eric Adam Eisenberg Daphne Ferlinda Elder Michael J. Elferis Mark Joseph Ellis Valerie Silver Ellis Albert Alfy William Elmarry Edgar Hendricks Emery, Jr. Doris Suk-Yuen Eng Christopher Epps Ulf Ramm Ericson Erwin L. Erker William John Erwin Jose Espinal Fanny Espinoza Bridget Ann Esposito Francis Esposito Michael Esposito William Esposito Ruben Esquilin, Jr. Sadie Ette Barbara G. Etzold Eric Brian Evans Robert Evans Meredith Emily June Ewart Catherine K. Fagan Patricia Mary Fagan Keith George Fairben Sandra Fajardo-Smith William F. Fallon William Lawrence Fallon, Jr. Anthony J. Fallone, Jr. Dolores Brigitte Fanelli John Joseph Fanning Kathleen Anne Faragher Thomas Farino Nancy Carole Farley Elizabeth Ann Farmer Douglas Jon Farnum John G. Farrell John W. Farrell Terrence Patrick Farrell Joseph D. Farrelly Thomas Patrick Farrelly Syed Abdul Fatha Christopher Edward Faughnan Wendy R. Faulkner Shannon Marie Fava Bernard D. Favuzza Robert Fazio, Jr. Ronald Carl Fazio William Feehan Francis Jude Feely Garth Erin Feeney Sean B. Fegan Lee S. Fehling Peter Adam Feidelberg Alan D. Feinberg Rosa Maria Feliciano Edward Thomas Fergus, Jr. George Ferguson Henry Fernandez Judy Hazel Fernandez Julio Fernandez Elisa Giselle Ferraina Anne Marie Sallerin Ferreira Robert John Ferris David Francis Ferrugio Louis V. Fersini Michael David Ferugio Bradley James Fetchet Jennifer Louise Fialko Kristen Nicole Fiedel Samuel Fields Michael Bradley Finnegan Timothy J. Finnerty Michael Curtis Fiore Stephen S R Fiorelli, Sr. Paul M. Fiori John B. Fiorito John R. Fischer Andrew Fisher Bennett Lawson Fisher John Roger Fisher Thomas J. Fisher Lucy A. Fishman Ryan D. Fitzgerald Thomas James Fitzpatrick Richard P. Fitzsimons Salvatore Fiumefreddo Christina Donovan Flannery Eileen Flecha Andre G. Fletcher Carl M. Flickinger John Joseph Florio Joseph Walken Flounders David Fodor Michael N. Fodor Stephen Mark Fogel Thomas Foley David J. Fontana Chih Min Foo Godwin Forde Donald A. Foreman Christopher Hugh Forsythe Claudia Alicia Foster Noel John Foster Ana Fosteris Robert Joseph Foti Jeffrey Fox Virginia Fox Pauline Francis Virgin Francis Gary Jay Frank Morton H. Frank Peter Christopher Frank Richard K. Fraser Kevin J. Frawley Clyde Frazier, Jr. Lillian Inez Frederick Andrew Fredricks Tamitha Freeman Brett Owen Freiman Peter L. Freund Arlene Eva Fried Alan Wayne Friedlander Andrew Keith Friedman Gregg J. Froehner Peter Christian Fry Clement Lisa Frost A. Fumando Steven Elliot Furman Paul Furmato Fredric Neal Gabler Richard Samuel Federick Gabrielle James Andrew Gadiel Pamela Lee Gaff Ervin Vincent Gailliard Deanna Lynn Galante Grace Catherine Galante Anthony Edward Gallagher Daniel James Gallagher John Patrick Gallagher Lourdes Galletti Cono E. Gallo Vincenzo Gallucci Thomas E. Galvin Giovanna Galletta Gambale Thomas Gambino, Jr. Giann Franco Gamboa Peter Ganci Ladkat K. Ganesh Claude Michael Gann Osseni Garba Charles William Garbarini Ceasar Garcia David Garcia Juan Garcia Marlyn Del Carmen Garcia Christopher S. Gardner Douglas Benjamin Gardner Harvey J. Gardner III Jeffrey Brian Gardner Thomas Gardner William Arthur Gardner Francesco Garfi Rocco Nino Gargano James M. Gartenberg Matthew David Garvey Bruce Gary Boyd Alan Gatton Donald Richard Gavagan, Jr. Terence D. Gazzani Gary Geidel Paul Hamilton Geier Julie M. Geis Peter G. Gelinas Steven Paul Geller Howard G. Gelling Peter Victor Genco, Jr. Steven Gregory Genovese Alayne Gentul Edward F. Geraghty Suzanne Geraty Ralph Gerhardt Robert Gerlich Denis P. Germain Marina Romanovna Gertsberg Susan M. Getzendanner James G. Geyer Joseph M. Giaccone Vincent Francis Giammona Debra Lynn Gibbon James Andrew Giberson Craig Neil Gibson Ronnie E. Gies Laura A. Giglio Andrew Clive Gilbert Timothy Paul Gilbert Paul Stuart Gilbey Paul John Gill Mark Y. Gilles Evan Gillette Ronald Lawrence Gilligan Rodney C. Gillis Laura Gilly John F. Ginley Donna Marie Giordano Jeffrey John Giordano John Giordano Steven A. Giorgetti Martin Giovinazzo Kum-Kum Girolamo Salvatore Gitto Cynthia Giugliano Mon Gjonbalaj Dianne Gladstone Keith Glascoe Thomas Irwin Glasser Harry Glenn Barry H. Glick Steven Glick John T. Gnazzo William Robert Godshalk Michael Gogliormella Brian Fredric Goldberg Jeffrey Grant Goldflam Michelle Goldstein Monica Goldstein Steven Goldstein Andrew H. Golkin Dennis James Gomes Enrique Antonio Gomez Jose Bienvenido Gomez Manuel Gomez, Jr. Wilder Alfredo Gomez Jenine Nicole Gonzalez Mauricio Gonzalez Rosa Gonzalez Calvin J. Gooding Harry Goody Kiran Reddy Gopu Catherine C. Gorayeb Kerene Gordon Sebastian Gorki Kieran Joseph Gorman Thomas Edward Gorman Michael Edward Gould Yuji Goya Jon Richard Grabowski Christopher Michael Grady Edwin J. Graf III David Martin Graifman Gilbert Franco Granados Elvira Granitto Winston Arthur Grant Christopher S. Gray James Michael Gray Tara McCloud Gray Linda Catherine Grayling John M. Grazioso Timothy George Grazioso Derrick Auther Green Wade B. Green Elaine Myra Greenberg Gayle R. Greene James Arthur Greenleaf, Jr. Eileen Marsha Greenstein Elizabeth Martin Gregg Denise Gregory Donald H. Gregory Florence Moran Gregory Pedro Grehan John Michael Griffin Tawanna Sherry Griffin Joan Donna Griffith Warren Grifka Ramon Grijalvo Joseph F. Grillo David Joseph Grimner Kenneth George Grouzalis Joseph Grzelak Matthew James Grzymalski Robert Joseph Gschaar Liming Gu Jose Guadalupe Cindy Yan Zhu Guan Joel Guevara Gonzalez Geoffrey E. Guja Joseph Gullickson Babita Girjamatie Guman Douglas Brian Gurian Janet Ruth Gustafson Philip T. Guza Barbara Guzzardo Peter M. Gyulavary Gary Robert Haag Andrea Lyn Haberman Barbara Mary Habib Philip Haentzler Nezam A. Hafiz Karen Elizabeth Hagerty Steven Michael Hagis Mary Lou Hague David Halderman Maile Rachel Hale Richard B. Hall Vaswald George Hall Robert J. Halligan Vincent Gerard Halloran James Douglas Halvorson Mohammad Salman Hamdani Felicia Hamilton Robert Hamilton Frederic K. Han Christopher J. Hanley Sean S. Hanley Valerie Joan Hanna Thomas Hannafin Kevin James Hannaford Michael Lawrence Hannan Dana R Hannon Vassilios G. Haramis James A. Haran Jeffrey Pike Hardy Timothy John Hargrave Daniel Edward Harlin Frances Haros Harvey Harrell Stephen G. Harrell Melissa Marie Harrington Aisha Anne Harris Stewart Dennis Harris John Patrick Hart John Clinton Hartz Emeric Harvey Thomas Theodore Haskell, Jr. Timothy Haskell Joseph John Hasson III Leonard W. Hatton Terence S. Hatton Michael Haub Timothy Aaron Haviland Donald G. Havlish, Jr. Anthony Hawkins Nobuhiro Hayatsu Philip Hayes William Ward Haynes Scott Jordan Hazelcorn Michael K. Healey Roberta B. Heber Charles Francis Xavier Heeran John F. Heffernan H. Joseph Heller, Jr. Joann L. Heltibridle Mark F. Hemschoot Ronnie Lee Henderson Brian Hennessey Michelle Marie Henrique Joseph Henry William Henry John Christopher Henwood Robert Allan Hepburn Mary Herencia Lindsay C. Herkness III Harvey Robert Hermer Claribel Hernandez Eduardo Hernandez Nuberto Hernandez Raul Hernandez Gary Herold Jeffrey A. Hersch Thomas Hetzel Brian Hickey Ysidro Hidalgo Timothy Higgins Robert D. W. Higley II Todd Russell Hill Clara Victorine Hinds Neal O. Hinds Mark D. Hindy Katsuyuki Hirai Heather Malia Ho Tara Yvette Hobbs Thomas Anderson Hobbs James J. Hobin Robert Wayne Hobson DaJuan Hodges Ronald George Hoerner Patrick A. Hoey Marcia Hoffman Stephen G. Hoffman Frederick Joseph Hoffmann Michele L. Hoffmann Judith Florence Hofmiller Thomas Warren Hohlweck, Jr. Jonathan R. Hohmann John Holland Joseph F. Holland Elizabeth Holmes Thomas Holohan Bradley Hoorn James P. Hopper Montgomery McCullough Hord Michael Horn Matthew Douglas Horning Robert L. Horohoe, Jr. Aaron Horwitz Charles Houston Uhuru G. Houston George Howard Michael C. Howell Steven Leon Howell Jennifer L. Howley Milagros Hromada Marian R. Hrycak Stephen Huczko, Jr. Kris Robert Hughes Paul Rexford Hughes Robert Thomas Hughes Thomas Hughes Timothy Robert Hughes Susan Huie Lamar Hulse William Christopher Hunt Kathleen Anne Hunt-Casey Joseph Hunter Robert R. Hussa Abid Hussain Thomas Edward Hynes Walter G. Hynes Joseph Anthony Ianelli Zuhtu Ibis Jonathan Lee Ielpi Michael Iken Daniel Ilkanayev Frederick Ill, Jr. Abraham Nethanel Ilowitz Anthony P. Infante, Jr. Louis S. Inghilterra, Jr. Christopher Noble Ingrassia Paul Innella Stephanie Veronica Irby Douglas Irgang Kristin A. Irvine Ryan Todd Antione Isaac Erik Isbrandtsen Taizo Ishikawa Aram Iskenderian, Jr. John F. Iskyan Kazushige Ito Aleksandr Valeryevich Ivantsov Virginia May Jablonski Brooke Alexandra Jackman Aaron Jeremy Jacobs Ariel Louis Jacobs Jason Kyle Jacobs Michael Grady Jacobs Steven A. Jacobson Ricknauth Jaggernauth Jake Denis Jagoda Yudh Vir Singh Jain Maria Jakubiak Ernest James Gricelda E. James Priscilla James Mark Steven Jardim Muhammadou Jawara Francois Jean-Pierre Maxima Jean-Pierre Paul Edward Jeffers Alva Cynthia Jeffries Sanchez Joseph Jenkins, Jr. Alan Keith Jensen Prem N. Jerath Farah Jeudy Hweidar Jian Eliezer Jimenez, Jr. Luis Jimenez, Jr. Fernando Jimenez-Molina Charles Gregory John Nicholas John LaShawna Johnson Scott Michael Johnson William R. Johnston Allison Horstmann Jones Arthur Joseph Jones Brian Leander Jones Christopher D. Jones Donald T. Jones Donald W. Jones Linda Jones Mary S. Jones Andrew Jordan Robert Thomas Jordan Albert Gunnia Joseph Guylene Joseph Ingeborg Joseph Karl Henry Joseph Stephen Joseph Jane Eileen Josiah Anthony Jovic Angel L. Juarbe, Jr. Karen Sue Juday Mychal F. Judge Paul William Jurgens Thomas Edward Jurgens Kacinga Kabeya Shashikiran Lakshmikantha Kadaba Gavkharoy Kamardinova Shari Kandell Howard Lee Kane Jennifer Lynn Kane Vincent D. Kane Joon Koo Kang Sheldon Robert Kanter Deborah H. Kaplan Alvin Peter Kappelmann, Jr. Charles Karczewski William A. Karnes Douglas Gene Karpiloff Charles L. Kasper Andrew K. Kates John Katsimatides Robert Michael Kaulfers Don Jerome Kauth, Jr. Hideya Kawauchi Edward T. Keane Richard M. Keane Lisa Yvonne Kearney-Griffin Karol Ann Keasler Paul Hanlon Keating Leo Russell Keene III Joseph John Keller Peter R. Kellerman Joseph P. Kellett Frederick H. Kelley, Jr. James Joseph Kelly Joseph A. Kelly Maurice P. Kelly Richard John Kelly, Jr. Thomas Michael Kelly Thomas Richard Kelly Thomas W. Kelly Timothy Colin Kelly William Hill Kelly, Jr. Robert Clinton Kennedy Thomas J. Kennedy John R. Keohane Ronald T. Kerwin Howard L. Kestenbaum Douglas D. Ketcham Ruth Ellen Ketler Boris Khalif Sarah Khan Taimour Firaz Khan Rajesh Khandelwal Oliva Khemrat SeiLai Khoo Michael Kiefer Satoshi Kikuchihara Andrew Jay-Hoon Kim Lawrence D. Kim Mary Jo Kimelman Andrew M. King Lucille Teresa King Robert King, Jr. Lisa King-Johnson Takashi Kinoshita Chris Michael Kirby Howard Barry Kirschbaum Glenn Davis Kirwin Helen Crossin Kittle Richard Joseph Klares Peter Anton Klein Alan David Kleinberg Karen Joyce Klitzman Ronald Philip Kloepfer Evgueni Kniazev Andrew Knox Thomas Patrick Knox Rebecca Lee Koborie Deborah A. Kobus Gary Edward Koecheler Frank J. Koestner Ryan Kohart Vanessa Kolpak Irina Kolpakova Suzanne Kondratenko Abdoulaye Kone Bon-Seok Koo Dorota Kopiczko Scott Kopytko Bojan Kostic Danielle Kousoulis John J. Kren William E. Krukowski Lyudmila Ksido Shekhar Kumar Kenneth Kumpel Frederick Kuo, Jr. Patricia Kuras Nauka Kushitani Thomas Kuveikis Victor Kwarkye Kui Fai Kwok Angela Reed Kyte Andrew La Corte Amarnauth Lachhman James Patrick Ladley Joseph A. LaFalce Jeanette Louise Lafond-Menichino David Laforge Michael Laforte Alan Charles LaFrance Juan Lafuente Neil Kwong-Wah Lai Vincent Anthony Laieta William David Lake Franco Lalama Chow Kwan Lam Stephen LaMantia Amy Hope Lamonsoff Nickola Lampley Robert Lane Brendan Mark Lang Rosanne P. Lang Vanessa Langer Mary Louise Langley Peter J. Langone Thomas Michael Langone Michele Bernadette Lanza Ruth Sheila Lapin Carol Ann LaPlante Ingeborg Lariby Robin Blair Larkey Christopher Randall Larrabee Hamidou S. Larry Scott Larsen John Adam Larson Gary Edward Lasko Nicholas Craig Lassman Paul Laszczynski Jeffrey G. LaTouche Charles Laurencin Stephen James Lauria Maria LaVache Denis Francis Lavelle Jeannine Mary LaVerde Anna A. Laverty Steven Lawn Robert Lawrence Nathaniel Lawson Eugen Gabriel Lazar James Patrick Leahy Joseph Gerard Leavey Neil Joseph Leavy Leon Lebor Kenneth Charles Ledee Alan J. Lederman Elena F. Ledesma Alexis Leduc David S. Lee Gary H. Lee Hyun Joon Lee Juanita Lee Kathryn Blair Lee Linda C. Lee Lorraine Mary Lee Myoung Woo Lee Richard Y. Lee Stuart Soo-Jin Lee Yang Der Lee Stephen Paul Lefkowitz Adriana Legro Edward Joseph Lehman Eric Andrew Lehrfeld David Leistman David Prudencio Lemagne Joseph Anthony Lenihan John Joseph Lennon, Jr. John Robinson Lenoir Jorge Luis Leon Matthew Gerard Leonard Michael Lepore Charles A. Lesperance Jeff Leveen John Dennis Levi Alisha Caren Levin Neil David Levin Robert Levine Robert Michael Levine Shai Levinhar Adam Jay Lewis Margaret Susan Lewis Ye Wei Liang Orasri Liangthanasarn Daniel F. Libretti Ralph Licciardi Edward Lichtschein Steven Barry Lillianthal Carlos R. Lillo Craig Damian Lilore Arnold A. Lim Darya Lin Wei Rong Lin Nickie L. Lindo Thomas V. Linehan, Jr. Robert Thomas Linnane Alan P. Linton, Jr. Diane Theresa Lipari Kenneth Lira Francisco Alberto Liriano Lorraine Lisi Paul Lisson Vincent M. Litto Ming-Hao Liu Nancy Liz Harold Lizcano Martin Lizzul George A. Llanes Elizabeth C. Logler Catherine Lisa Loguidice Jerome Robert Lohez Michael William Lomax Laura Maria Longing Salvatore Lopes Daniel Lopez George Lopez Luis Manuel Lopez Manuel L. Lopez Joseph Lostrangio Chet Dek Louie Stuart Seid Louis Joseph Lovero Jenny Seu Kueng Low Wong Michael W. Lowe Garry W. Lozier John Peter Lozowsky Charles Peter Lucania Edward Hobbs Luckett Mark Gavin Ludvigsen Lee Charles Ludwig Sean Thomas Lugano Daniel Lugo Marie Lukas William Lum, Jr. Michael P. Lunden Christopher Lunder Anthony Luparello Gary Frederick Lutnick William Lutz Linda Anne Luzzicone Alexander Lygin Farrell Peter Lynch James Francis Lynch Louise A. Lynch Michael Cameron Lynch Michael F. Lynch Michael Francis Lynch Richard D. Lynch, Jr. Robert Henry Lynch, Jr. Sean P. Lynch Sean Patrick Lynch Michael J. Lyons Monica Anne Lyons Patrick Lyons Robert Francis Mace Jan Maciejewski Catherine Fairfax Macrae Richard Blaine Madden Simon Maddison Noell Maerz Jennieann Maffeo Joseph Maffeo Jay Robert Magazine Brian Magee Charles Wilson Magee Joseph V. Maggitti Ronald Magnuson Daniel L. Maher Thomas Anthony Mahon William J. Mahoney Joseph Daniel Maio Takashi Makimoto Abdu Ali Malahi Debora I. Maldonado Myrna T. Maldonado-Agosto Alfred Russell Maler Gregory James Malone Edward Francis Maloney III Joseph Maloney Gene Edward Maloy Christian Maltby Francisco Miguel Mancini Joseph Mangano Sara Elizabeth Manley Debra Mannetta Marion Victoria Manning Terence John Manning James Maounis Joseph Ross Marchbanks, Jr. Peter Edward Mardikian Edward Joseph Mardovich Charles Joseph Margiotta Kenneth Joseph Marino Lester V. Marino Vita Marino Kevin Marlo Jose Marrero John Marshall James Martello Michael A. Marti Peter C. Martin William J. Martin, Jr. Brian E. 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September 8, 2013 | 4:26 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
My son has begun the process of applying to university and it is overwhelming on a lot of levels. I am proud beyond measure that he wants to go to college and has a clear vision of what his future looks like. It is stressful because the amount of paperwork is overwhelming and intimidating. It fills me with fear because his days at home are numbered and he has one foot out the door already. My baby is almost 18 years old.
Sometimes I look at my son across the dinner table and I see an infant. Sometimes he will call me and I hear the voice of a four year old on the other end of the line. Sometimes when he says goodnight I think about following him into his room to tuck him in and pray he will ask me to stay with him until he falls asleep like when he was young. Sometimes I want to cry at how fast the time has gone by as my beautiful baby became a man.
I don’t remember the process of going to college being so daunting. There is so much to do, and everything has a deadline. It is also expensive. With all the application fees, and trips to visit the colleges, it is a lot of money before he even gets into a school. I have been dreading this time since he was born, but I have also been saving for this day since he was born. He will go wherever he wants. I believe in him and he believes in himself.
Everything about his going to college makes me cry. I honestly do not know what I will do when he leaves. He travelled a lot this summer and I wondered from room to room not quite sure what to do with myself. Yes, I did sleep in his room a couple of times when I missed him so much it hurt. I am not embarrassed or ashamed of how much I love my son. It has been him and me for a long time. He is my heart and I am unapologetic about it.
My child will thrive in college. He is amazing and the world is waiting for him to conquer it. I will be fine. I will stay busy with work, friends, sending care packages, counting days until he comes to visit, waiting for my phone to ring, dating losers, and acquiring cats. I’m kidding. By kidding of course I mean I am totally done with dating losers. Everything else is pretty accurate. It will be a new life for both of us and I have 11 months to embrace it.
This time next year my son will be doing amazing things. I am proud of him and proud of me that I raised such a wonderful human being. He is smart and wise, brave and fearless, funny and charming, kind and compassionate. I can sit back and find peace in knowing that people will meet him and think he is amazing. I have done my job and done it well. The challenge now is knowing I can trust him to be all he can be and not worry all the time.
I am going to try and only cry when I am alone and not let my son see it. All I can do is try. My son knows my emotions are coming from love and he is a trooper. He has taught himself to not roll his eyes and simply pass the Kleenex. He is patient with me. For now. After a few months of my spontaneous crying from something as simple as his telling me what he wants for dinner, it will eventually get old, and the eye rolling will return.
Millions of kids go off to college and do great. Millions of parents send off their kids to college and do great. I am one of those mothers who is certain no other mother loves her kid as much as I love mine. Lucky for me my kid gets it. And so it begins. The next three months will be about getting my kid into the college of his dreams and I believe it will happen because we have each other, we have hope, and we are keeping the faith.
September 4, 2013 | 6:26 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
May you be inscribed in
the Book of Life
for a year filled with
health, happiness and peace.
God Bless you and your family,
and may you always
Keep the Faith.
September 2, 2013 | 9:17 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am not a fan of LeAnn Rimes. I enjoy her older music and there is no denying she used to be a talented singer, but as a woman, I have no respect for her. LeAnn Rimes is young. I was not nearly as dumb or immature at 31 that she is, but still, she is young and her dysfunctional childhood has clearly stunted her development. In my opinion, she is desperate for love and attention. She is willing to have anyone love her and will do anything to get that love. I understand she met a married man and fell in love with him. It happens all the time and the fact is many famous women have done the same thing and do not face the palpable hatred directed at Rimes.
Angelina Jolie, Julia Roberts, Elizabeth Taylor, and Camilla Parker Bowles all had affairs with married men who they then married themselves. You would be hard pressed to find the level of hatred Rimes gets, or the length of time the hate has been directed to her. The hate does not come from her affair. That does not inspire hate as much as disappointment. The hate comes from the way Rimes has handled herself since her affair. She is rude, mean, selfish, vindictive, and vicious. That is why people hate her. She is also delusional about her role as the wife of a man with children. She is simply too selfish to put herself in the shoes of a mother.
I write the truth about LeAnn Rimes because nobody else does. I write things about her that are proven, often in her own words. I have said before, and will say again, when she drops her lawsuit against Kim and Lexi Smiley, I will stop writing about her. I will continue to support the Smiley family in any way I can. Yesterday things took an interesting turn. LeAnn has written that she pays no attention to me, does not read my blogs, does not follow my tweets, and does not check my Facebook. The letters from her lawyer and publicist would indicate otherwise. She is a nasty and vindictive woman and yesterday I believe she was an anti-Semite.
It is a strong and ugly accusation to be sure, but it is my belief. Her followers went to town on me yesterday. The level of hate and mockery of my faith was heartbreaking. I don’t care if people talk about my writing, or my looks, but when they talk about my faith I will not look away. As a Jew I am painfully aware of the history of my people and what can happen when people look away. Dramatic? No. Do not talk about my faith. Make fun of my faith, or the history of my people and know I am coming. I will not stand for it. When LeAnn’s fans were writing anti-Semitic things to me she read, responded to them with love and kindness, and never said stop.
Calling LeAnn Rimes a home wrecker, is simply fact. Calling her a liar, is simply fact. Calling her a bully, is simply fact. I am not harassing her, I am talking about what she does, with proof, and I write about it because she is in the public eye and that is what I do. I have never once spoken of her faith. In fact, if anyone ever writes something unflattering to me about faith, regardless of the religion, I will immediately say it is wrong and block that person from contacting me. I am a practicing Jew and as a woman of faith I believe in God, regardless of what people call him. Hate is taught and when you see it, and do nothing, you are teaching hate. Period.
It is time for LeAnn Rimes to grow up. When her fans wore t-shirts that were derogatory to the mother of her husband’s children, she congratulated them and allowed them to be worn in front of the children. When her fans wrote hateful things about my religion, she showed them love. What is wrong with this woman? Too many things to talk about and I am not a doctor. What I am is a Jew. I am a proud Jew who is so firmly rooted in my religion that I am able to appreciate and have an open heart to other religions. God is good and this hurts not only me, but my God. To Ms. Rimes, I suggest you take a look at yourself and start keeping the faith.
September 1, 2013 | 7:55 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
This week, while running an errand in Hollywood, I came upon a young man on the street. He looked a little bit like Jesus as he had a beard and was wearing a long white tunic of some kind. As I approached him, he asked me if I had any spare crack. I stopped for a second because I was not sure I heard him correctly. He asked again if I had any crack to spare.
I think I may have chuckled and quickly informed him I did not have any extra crack. It was about 90 degrees so I asked him if he would like a bottle of water. I had a nice cold bottle in my bag and was happy to give it to him. He said no thanks, he just needed the crack. He thanked me for the offer and told me to have a good day. It was all very strange.
As I walked off I wondered about this young man and how it was that he got to where he was. It was both sad and funny that he turned down the water. I was also curious if anyone walking along Sunset Boulevard actually had some spare crack for him. This man was someone’s child and as I drove home thinking of him, I started to cry. He was a tragic figure to me.
When I see someone else’s child suffering it makes me think of my own child. My son is amazing and I love him very much. He is away for the long weekend in San Francisco and it has been hard for me. He will be going to college next year and every time he is away now, I feel the sadness of an empty nest. It will be very hard for me when he goes away to school.
It is an accomplishment for me to even say he is going away. I figure baby steps are required and if I keep saying he is going, when he actually goes, I will be prepared. That won’t happen, but I’m trying. I’m emotional this weekend with him gone. I have been home and feeling a little sorry for myself as I found out the Englishman has himself a new girlfriend.
In the months since we broke up, or rather since he broke up with me, I have been heartbroken and thought he must also be sad that we did not work out. Turns out he has been just fine and began dating a woman almost immediately after we broke up. If I am going to be honest, I will acknowledge he was probably dating her while we were together too.
We have not been together for months and it was silly to think he was not seeing anyone just because I wasn’t, but it still makes me sad that he recovered so quickly. It makes our love look irrelevant when he found new love so quickly. Ridiculous for me to even be thinking this way, but I am a girl and this is how we roll. We are ruled by emotion not logic.
As I sat at home wallowing in self-pity, my friend Brandi invite me over for taco night with her and her kids. I accepted but immediately started to think of reasons not to go. The thought of actually getting out of bed seemed impossible, but in the end I figured I would go for a glass of wine and be back in bed in an hour. Turns out taco night eased my sorrow.
Our friend Jennifer came over and dinner quickly became a therapy session. My friends lifted me up and led me to the light. More importantly, they allowed me to see myself as they do, which is very different from how I was seeing my self. My friends see me as a strong, funny, beautiful, compassionate, and kind person. That is how I need to see myself.
When your heart is broken it affects your memory. You forget all the things that were wrong in your relationship, and it is your girlfriends who remind you of the bad stuff so you can see you are better off. I loved this man very much but in the end he was not the man for me. That is a difficult pill to swallow. It is natural to blame yourself, but it is exhausting.
My friends are beautiful women. It does not matter if you are a hobbit or a supermodel, when a woman’s heart breaks, it breaks the same for all of us. I have been so sad that being alone felt good. It took taco night with friends, and 4 rambunctious young boys running around, to snap me out of it. Being alone is not the answer to a broken heart, living life is the answer.
The best thing we can do for ourselves as women, is to see ourselves like our friends do. I had forgotten exactly how fabulous I am. I am not perfect, but I am a decent, kind, funny, and wonderful woman. I deserve to be with a man who sees these things and does not require me to change. I woke up today feeling good, knowing I am worthy, and keeping the faith.
August 29, 2013 | 10:00 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am sick of all the attention Miley Cyrus is getting for acting like a moron. Her appearance at the MTV Video Music Awards was embarrassing, ridiculous, offensive, degrading, and simply not entertaining. The poor girl is a mess and watching her self-destruct is sad. The fact is that Amanda Bynes mental breakdown on Twitter was more fun than Miley, and that is sad.
I told my son I could not watch her performance one more time without wanting to impale myself or swallow glass, and he said he was going to send me a video to watch that he was certain I would love. Now, my son sends me videos most everyday. They are usually some idiot kid failing at a stunt, cats playing the piano and drums, or clips from Japanese game shows.
I have nightmares about my kid trying to leap over a car from a skateboard, or I have some insane tune stuck in my head with visions of a cat in a tuxedo, or my dreams appear with Japanese subtitles. The point is that the videos he sends me are more annoying than entertaining and although some make me laugh, I could do without having seen most of them.
Tonight however, my son sent me a video that I truly love. Seriously, I love it. I write a lifestyle column about my worldview as a single mom living, working, and dating in Los Angeles. I also write about reality television. I like to leave political writing to political writers. Though I have on occasion crossed the line and written about politics, it is not often.
This video is brilliant, and in my making that statement I will define myself politically. I could say I just think it is entertaining and clever without picking a side, but we all know that would be a lie. I love it because it is how I feel about these people. Judge if you must, and attack if you feel the need, but watch the video because it is really that good.
I like to talk about politics, and learn about politics. Nothing is more stimulating than being able to talk about American politics with people who are passionate, from both sides, and speak to teach, not preach. I do not like to write about politics because it makes people mean, but I am posting this anyway, waiting for the attacks, and keeping the faith.
August 29, 2013 | 2:20 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I have had a series of unfortunate dates. I am not sure how it is that I keep meeting men who are so horrible, but I do. In meeting men who are repulsive, you can’t help but look back at past relationships and compare the old to the new. Were my past relationships with men who were unworthy? Were they the right men at the wrong time? Am I dating the same type of man as always? It makes me wonder, if I look back, will I be able to see ahead?
Do I need to pick a different type of man? There are similarities between the men I have been involved with, but are those bad things or just things? I have had three serious relationships in the past seventeen years. All ended badly. By badly of course I mean my heart was broken. When a serious relationship ends, and you have a child, the heartbreak doubles because you have to mend not only your broken heart, but that of your child, who also feels the loss.
The three men I have loved since I got divorced were all Jewish, handsome, and bad boys. One was a cheater, one was a liar, one was a cheater and a liar. I don’t take the cheating or lying personally. Years of therapy have given me that clarity. Jews and therapy go together like peanut butter and jelly. I am not ashamed to say I not only go to therapy, but I love it. I don’t think I loved the wrong men. I do think I stayed with men longer than I should have.
My son, who is approaching 18, has an interesting view of these three men. We spoke of them recently and I was fascinated by his perspective. My first serious relationship was when my son was 9 years old. I was engaged, and 6 weeks before our wedding he cheated on me. Turns out he cheated a lot. He was a pilot and enjoyed a little recreational sex while he was jetting around. He broke my heart. Turns out my son did not like him that much and was not disappointed.
He loved him because I did, not because he did. That is a powerful. I don’t want to be with someone who my son loves just because I do. I dodged a bullet on that one. I dated the 2nd man when my son was 12. He thought he was cool, but he did not love him. He thought of him more of a pal than anything else, and when that relationship ended he could not have cared any less. That man was a liar in the end and I don’t think of him in any real way now.
My son was 15 when I began dating the Englishman. As much as I loved him, which was deep and profound, my son may have loved him more. They were friends, confidents, partners in crime, and my son viewed him as my boyfriend, but also as a friend to him and a role model. The end of our relationship knocked me on my ass. It also broke my son’s heart, which in turn shattered mine into a million pieces. He was a cheater and a liar. I will never forgive him.
While I struggle to find lessons learned in past relationships, my son has learned many things. He has seen me laugh and cry because of love. He has a view of a woman’s heart that while sad for me to face, has taught him things about himself and what he sees as acceptable behavior for a man. He told me I don’t have to worry about a broken heart because he will always help put mine back together. He also said he respects me as a mother and a woman.
No matter how cloudy my view of men might be, it is when I look at my own baby, that I can clearly see what it means to be a good man. He is amazing and I love him more with each breath I take. He is not perfect of course, and will undoubtedly break a girl’s heart at some point, but that he views my heart with respect and love touches me. I have a remarkable child and I am proud of him, and me. I am worthy of a wonderful man and must simply keep trying.
In the end I do need to change the type of men I date. There is one thing the men I have loved share in common, and that is the asshole gene. I can deal with a man being an occasional schmuck, putz, and douche. That is in their DNA. Bless them. I must stay away from assholes however. No good can come from dating an ass. I take my share of responsibility for relationships ending, but the blame can firmly be placed on the shoulders of an asshole.
To be fair, it takes two to tango and placing blame is not necessary, or mature. It does make me feel better, but it is not necessary. Relationships come and go, and one must be grateful for feeling love, not matter how long it lasts. I will continue to date, hope, and try. More importantly, I will continue to pray. Pray that I can avoid assholes. They are hard to detect, and even harder to resist. I need to be brave, aware, and smart. All possible if I am keeping the faith.