Posted by Ilana Angel
Summer vacation is a stressful time in terms of motherhood. My son is home, which is wonderful, but there is a certain amount of anxiety that comes with summer. He is home everyday, hanging with his friends everyday, and needing money everyday. A 17 year old kid with a car is an expensive thing under normal circumstances, but summer adds to the pressure of having to keep kids entertained, while driving you crazy and spending all your money.
My son has spent part of the past 3 summers on the east coast with one of his best friends. They go to the lake and have a fabulous time. He went the first time during his freshman year, and today, as he approaches his senior year, he is going again. Yesterday as we were making dinner, he said how excited he was to be leaving and I burst into tears. I am happy for him each time he goes, but it is also hard and I spontaneously start crying for no reason.
I will miss him. It is one thing to have your kid out for the day with his pals, but to have him on the other side of the country is stressful. What will I do when he goes to college? It has been him and me for so long that sometimes I think the best thing would be to just get a job at his university so I can catch a glimpse of him everyday. Ridiculous, but I am not ready for him to not be under my roof.
When you have spent 17 years living your life for someone else, how do you live for yourself? I worry about me more than him. This kid is built to explore and experience things. He is independent and will conquer the world. I left my mother to move to America and he has that same spirit. He has dreams that will take him anywhere he wants to go and that is really wonderful. His future is very bright and I don’t worry about that at all.
I have spent his whole life preparing him to leave me. He is certainly able to go back east for three weeks, and come next summer he will be ready to move away for college. We teach our kids how to leave us, but nobody teaches us how to let them go. I don’t know why I am so emotional this time around. Maybe his getting older and my seeing what it will be like when he’s off to college has thrown me. Maybe I’m just a Jewish mother.
I feel anxious. I have asked him a million times about his suitcase, and what he needs to pick up from the store before he leaves. I am driving myself crazy with all the questions. When he went to bed last night, and I asked a silly question for the 20th time then burst into tears, he looked at me with both compassion and relief. Compassion because he knows I will miss him, and relief that he is getting away from me for a few weeks.
When I drive him to the airport today I will put on a brave face but tears will come. I will watch him walk onto the plane and as he turns the final corner I will cry. I will sit in the airport having an anxiety attack until he takes off. I will drive home and wait until he arrives safely. I will lie down on his bed and have a good cry, and when he calls me to check in, which he always does, I will be joyous and he will know I am faking it.
I am going to be busy while he is gone. I have a lot going on with work, I will see friends, I will finish books I started but have not finished, and catch up on things I need to do that get set aside to hang out with my boy. I will also miss my son in a way that aches. I will think about calling him every five minutes, and instead will not call and wait for him to call me. I will want to hear everything, yet not ask too many questions. I will be good.
My son is sleeping. He will get up soon and is going to be so excited. He is so lovely he will pretend today is not a big deal and be cool so as not to make me think he is happy to leave. We will both play the game. He will try to control his giddiness, and I will control my crying. We will have a wonderful day and the ride to the airport will be filled with stories about what he will do at the lake, his favorite place, with his friend.
My son will look back at these summers and remember how great they were, then one day he will be a father and when he sends his own kid off to camp or college, he will call and tell me he loves me. He will tell me often, but on that particular day, I will hear it a little differently because he will understand me in a new way. I will call my mother today to tell her I love her, and she will hear in my voice the same thing I will here in his.
I let my son know when he should read my blog. There are a lot he reads, some he writes for me as a guest, and many he will not read for years. He is respectful of my work and trusts me to know which ones are appropriate for him. He will not read today’s blog. He will leave for his trip thinking I am excited for him to go. He knows I am sad so no point in him reading all about it. One thing I know for sure is he knows that I love him.
Today I will put on a happy face while I do my son’s laundry, unpack and repack the suitcase he jammed all his clothes into, go shopping to get a few last minute things, take him for sushi, and drive him to the airport. I will come home and wait. Wait for him land safely, and wait for him to come home. Motherhood gives me my greatest joy, summer vacation is a great thing, and anxiety can be managed by drinking wine and keeping the faith.
12.5.13 at 3:16 pm | Heaven has received a blessing today.
12.3.13 at 3:05 pm | Every time I go into the kitchen I half expect to. . .
11.30.13 at 10:42 am | "The only correct actions are those that demand. . .
11.29.13 at 1:56 pm | My nest will never empty as my son will always be. . .
11.28.13 at 7:59 am | Think. Laugh. Cry.
11.26.13 at 7:06 am | God places love where we don't always see it.
11.30.13 at 10:42 am | "The only correct actions are those that demand. . . (531)
9.15.13 at 3:14 pm | I love you Russell Brand. (286)
7.25.11 at 5:38 pm | We need more Jews! (284)
July 25, 2013 | 1:41 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I use the word whore a lot. I have no problem calling a woman a whore, and I get asked about my use of the word often. Some are offended by the ease in which I label someone a whore. Important to note that calling someone a whore is not necessarily always meant as an insult. By definition, a whore is a woman who engages in sexual acts for money. It can also be a promiscuous or immoral woman. There are both good whores and bad whores.
I am comfortable using whore as a label, and to clarify, I have nothing against whores. A prostitute is a whore, but she is also a businesswoman. She is selling a service that is hers to sell. What a woman wants to do with her body is her business. When a married man goes to a whore, he is breaking a vow, she is simply doing her job. If she ran her business with morals she would have no clients. She is not there to judge.
When a woman sleeps with a married man, and she is not a prostitute, she is still a whore. If you are going to sleep with a man that you know is married, I think you are a whore. The man is more at fault, but you are a whore. It goes against all decency and all codes of womanhood. As an example, LeAnn Rimes, Camilla Parker Bowles, and Angelina Jolie have all been whores in the past. People are forgiving and forgetful, which is nice.
These women all slept with men they knew were married. I know love is powerful, and alters ones ability to think rationally and make good decisions, but there is a moment, a split second in some cases, where you have an opportunity to walk away from a bad decision, and none of these women did. Once could argue that they are all good people, and I would agree, however that does not make their actions any less whorish or whorible.
Anjelina Jolie is a remarkable woman. She is changing the world for the better. Her difficult choices in terms of her health are brave, and in sharing her personal journey she is saving lives. I respect her strength and generosity of spirit when it comes to taking accountability as a human being and wanting to save and help other less fortunate than her. I truly think she has the soul of an angel. She also knowingly slept with a married man.
Camilla Parker Bowles is an interesting woman. Once could argue she sacrificed her own happiness for love and it was admirable. She loved a man, she was deemed not good enough for him, and sat back as the world watched him marry someone else. I can almost feel sorry for her because knowing love and having to walk away from it is painful. In the end she is now married to her beshert, but she knowingly slept with a married man.
LeAnn Rimes is not only a whore, but she is also malicious. When faced wtih the decision of sleeping wtih a married man, she was not concerned with hiding it. She is so malicious that she continues to gloat about it. Anjelina and Camilla have handed their indiscretions with as much class as one can expect in such a situation. A couple of slipups of course, but overall have tried to minimize the damage and do not talk about it publicly.
LeAnn gets some kind of sick enjoyment out of reminding the world that she is a whore. She slept with a married man, while she was married, then married the man she had an affair with. It happens all the time. Anjelina and Camilla did the same thing. What makes her so unsavory, is that years later, she still likes to talk about it. Actually, it is all she talks about. She talks about it all the time. People are sick of her talking about it.
LeAnn spends her time making sure that people remember she is a whore. By time of course I mean every waking moment. She tweets about it, sings about it, posts pictures about it, and will talk to anyone who will listen about it. LeAnn has climbed to the top of the mountain, yelled to the world that she is a whore, then jumped into hell to talk about it. She is exhausting to us, so I can only imagine how tired she must be. Bless her.
There are also good attributes to a whore and women should be open to them. One of the best things a woman can do in a relationship is be whorish. Sex is important and creates a powerful bond. Not just the act of sex, but the intimacy that comes from being naked with someone. As women I think we can sometimes get caught up in the mechanics, rather than focusing on all the parts that make a whole. Sex requires us to make decisions.
We make choices about who we sleep with, when we sleep with them, and how we sleep with them. If women could embrace their own inner whore, it would result in better sex, closer intimacy, and ultimately a more respectful appreciation of how great sex can be. When was the last time you got naked with your partner without having sex? In terms of how we act in our sexual relationships, being whorish can be a good thing.
If men say that they go to professional whores because they want things they cannot get at home, then why not be whorish for your partner so he does not feel the need to go find one? It is not that simple of course, and men cheat for a lot of reasons, one being they are simply assholes, but we need to allow ourselves to understand that in being more free, we can bring pleasure to ourselves. Don't want to do it for him? Then do it for you.
If we can try to not think about what we are doing, and pay more attention to how we are doing it, our inner whores can be found. The key to good sex is to relax, which can be hard to do. There is nothing wrong with the word whore, and there is nothing wrong with my using it. There are good whores and bad whores, and in the end they are all people. Perhaps the bad whores just need to spend more time keeping the faith.
July 24, 2013 | 10:27 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
After being pregnant for about a year and a half, Catherine and William finally had their baby, a son. It is very exciting. I got caught up in the hoopla and watched the live feed outside the hospital for the big announcement. I think they are a lovely couple and it is such a happy time for them. They are the future of the Monarchy and their story is a romantic, but realistic fairytale. I wish them health and happiness always.
To see them walk out of the hospital with their son was wonderful, but I could not help but think of Princess Diana. I was home with my brand new baby when Diana died. I remember watching the news and praying that she would be okay. When it was announced she passed away, I went to get my son out of his crib, I held him close, and I cried. I cried throughout the night for a woman I did not know, but loved. I remember that night well.
When I was a young teenager, my family lived in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Princess Diana and Prince Charles came to Canada for a visit. It was pouring rain the day they came and people were waiting for them in Point Pleasant Park. I waited in the park for hours to get a glimpse of Diana. When they came I maneuvered my way to the front and I saw her up close. I actually reached out to touch her coat and it was a moment I truly treasure.
She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was a Princess and I loved her. To see Catherine today, in a polka dot dress, as Diana had worn when she introduced Prince William to the world, made me cry. I remembered the woman I admired and cried for so many years ago. I remember when she died I thought if someone like her could die, so could I. It shaped how I love my child because there are no guarantees.
As the days led up to the birth of the new Prince, I found myself thinking about how Prince Charles would handle commenting on his grandchild. Would he acknowledge Diana? No. The bigger question was would he refer to his wife Camilla, as being a grandmother? I held my breath to see what Charles would say, or not say, about William’s mother. When he finally released a statement, I read it and cried. It was perfect and I was moved by it.
"Both my wife and I are overjoyed at the arrival of my first grandchild. It is an incredibly special moment for William and Catherine and we are so thrilled for them on the birth of their baby boy. Grandparenthood is a unique moment in anyone's life, as countless kind people have told me in recent months, so I am enormously proud and happy to be a grandfather for the first time and we are eagerly looking forward to seeing the baby in the near future." – Prince Charles
For Charles to acknowledge this is his grandchild and not Camilla’s, mattered to me. Had he said it was their grandchild it would take away the moment from Diana. This is her first grandchild, and it is heartbreaking that she is not alive to share in it all. Sad things happen all the time, and being a royal does not prevent you from experiencing sadness like the rest of us. Prince Charles was kind, decent, appropriate, and respectful to Diana’s memory.
While all babies are royalty to their parents, this little boy will grow up to be the Kind of Great Britain, and I imagine he will be raised as William was, and that will add to the legacy of his grandmother. She was a wonderful mother and allowed her children to be as normal as is possible in their situation. I think we will love Kate as a mother in the same way we loved Diana. At the end of the day, when you take away titles, they are just people like us.
The divorce of Diana and Charles was scandalous. It was like a soap opera with the key players sleeping with everyone but each other. I was not a fan of Charles of Camilla during that time. The truth is he was a pig and she was disgusting. That said, they have love. They had love then, and they have it now. I am happy for them that they were able to be with their beshert, but the cost paid was high, and those choices contributed to Diana’s death.
Every family has drama and skeletons. No family is perfect, or without scandal, and the truth is that the royal family probably has more than most. The spotlight is on them so we hear about it all. In the end who cares? What I do care about is that Diana be remembered and given the title of grandmother. William always honors his mother in subtle but lovely ways, and this week Charles did the same. I am grateful and keeping the faith.
July 18, 2013 | 9:42 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I’m not sure how lube comes into play with oral sex, or why it being kosher would matter, but if you keep kosher, and lube stops you from having oral sex, you can now take a dive because kosher lube is available. It is being touted as a great thing for Orthodox Jews, but the fact is that not all Jews who keep kosher are Orthodox. Many Jews of different levels of observance are kosher. I am a vegetarian, so by default I am kosher. I am not however, interested in eating lube, so it being kosher does not matter.
American made “Wet” is selling kosher lube in eight flavors. Really? I’m not sure what the flavors are, but insert Jewish food jokes here. (FYI, Matzo ball lube is not sexy.) The President of Trigg Laboratories, the makers of Wet, is Sean Smith, who apparently converted to Judaism when he married his Jewish wife. I’m sure she is lovely to have inspired a conversion, so good for her. Mazel Tov. I am not making fun of this product, and I guess people felt they needed it, but come on. Is having kosher lube really necessary?
Kosher women can put make up on their faces that is not kosher. They can put cream on their bodies that is not kosher. Kosher law says, "One may even apply non-kosher ingredients to one's lips, eg lipstick, lip balm." If you can put non-kosher products on your lips, why the need for kosher lube? My understanding is kosher only matters if you are swallowing something. Who eats lube? Couldn't blowing be before lube is brought into sex? One could argue if you do it properly, lube is not required.
The Torah says there is to be no intentional destruction of seed. Would intentional destruction not involve swallowing? We’re talking about Jewish girls right? That’s funny. I wonder if kosher lube comes with small print saying it is an aid, and not to be eaten. Where does one market kosher lube? I have not seen it in my temple flyer on Shabbat. I find the whole thing to be slightly ridiculous, but if kosher lube is needed, then God bless. What will they think of next when it comes to keeping the faith?
Don't run out to get your kosher lube just yet because it is no longer kosher! The very people who certified it kosher, a week ago, have now revoked the kosher stamp of approval because they say they did not know it was intended to be used for sex. Really? A lube called "Wet" is to be used for something else? To be teased with the possibility of oral sex, only to have it yanked away, sounds very Jewish to me. :-) Oh well.
July 16, 2013 | 4:14 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I recently wrote about the “Vegetarian”. We met for a movie and he decided he was going to turn it into a date. He specifically told me it was a date, and he sealed it with a kiss. When I wrote him this week to make plans to see him again, he told me he is actually dating someone. Was he dating her when he took me out. Was he dating her when he kissed me. Was he dating her when he said he wanted to see me again, and hoped there would be groping? Yes.
He reads my blogs, and from what I can gather, he felt sorry for me, having been hurt by love and a series of bad dates, so he asked me out more out of pity than any real interest. While I appreciate after reading my column he felt I needed a good date, I do not understand why he lied. I wonder what the woman he is dating would think about his time with me. He said he was sorry he misled me and did not mean to hurt my feelings. Total and complete crap if you ask me.
Was the goal to throw me a bone? Humiliate me? Get written about? Worse than being some kind of charity date, he told me that I would hate him now, but when my broken heart felt better, I would know he did a good thing. Really? My heart was never in it putz. There was no room on the date for my heart because your ego was taking up too much space. I will never understand how men get by when they are so stupid. To be an asshole on top of stupid must be challenging.
It is touching when people write to say my column moved them somehow. We are all in this together, so when my voice expresses feelings and experiences for more than myself, it is rewarding. I hear from people who feel my pain, and it is hearing their stories that gives me strength. Strength as a mother, woman, and writer. I have never shied away from sharing my life because my stories matter and my readers have become witnesses to my life.
In sharing my joy and sorrow I am rewarded with great love. I am searching for love in my personal life, and in writing I am given love through my professional life, which happens to be very personal. I appreciate and value all my readers. For a man to read and feel sorry for me is touching, but to take me out as a favor, to pity me, or think I need a charity date is more about his ego than mine. The truth is that the vegetarian is a pig who thinks rather highly of himself.
I'm a little embarrassed that I didn't see what he was doing. Feeling rather humiliated that my sharing evoked pity. Angry that I believed anything he said. Grateful that this schmuck showed his true colors before I invested any time or emotion. He turned it into a date, and in doing so set me up for pain, humiliation and embarrassment. I am just trying to move on and it is difficult when rather than respect me, people like this man decide to be purposefully horrible.
I know I am fabulous and I know one day I will wake up and it won’t hurt anymore. While I may have lost my footing, I am still standing. I am a decent human being and in the end the Vegetarian is not. In trying to make himself a hero, he knocked me back two steps and not only am I pissed off, but my feelings are hurt. Bravo dumbass. I feel sad for the woman he is dating, sad for him, and grateful I can laugh at it all, have a bottle of tequila at home, and still able to keep the faith.
July 11, 2013 | 4:38 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
The sad truth is that when it comes to sex, I write about it more than I participate in it. It is a shame because I am at an age where I feel most accepting of my body, and what I bring to a relationship in terms of my sexuality, yet there is nobody to have sex with. Of course there are men to have sex with, but when sex matters to you on an emotional level, sex on a physical level is not that appealing.
I have a healthy view of sex. I appreciate the value it brings to a relationship, and like how I feel about myself when I am appreciated and admired by the man I am intimate with. It is a powerful drug and I respect it. I believe I have raised my son with that same respect. More than just something you do, sex requires feelings, and I want him to value it, value himself, and value the women he sleeps with.
The average age people lose their virginity in America is 17. My son is 17. Hang on, I’m having difficulty breathing. I remember when he was born, when he told me loved me for the first time, when he learned how to ride a bike, and when he got his drivers license. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that the little baby I raised by myself, is reaching an age where sex will become part of his life. Important to note that my son is anything but average, so I could assume he will lose his virginity much later than 17. I could assume this in the same way that you could assume the thought of my son being old enough to do grown up things makes me want to drink. By drink of course I mean open a bottle of tequila and put a straw in it. No need for a glass, just get to the numbing booze quickly.
We have always had a close relationship. We talk about love, loss, sex, and the emotions that come with it. He has seen me cry, and helped heal my broken heart with love, kindness, and compassion. When you have a woman, raising a boy to be man, he is going to see it all in terms of emotions. I decided when he was young that hiding things from him was not a good idea, and we would learn together. My son knows I am emotional, vulnerable, and let’s be honest, crazy. Not because I am crazy, but because I am a girl, and we are all a little crazy. He sees me sad, stressed, happy, laughing, thoughtful, spiritual, kind, and mean. He is well versed in how to deal with a woman on her period, and been taught to question, believe, pray, dream, and to have sex only when his partner wants the same thing.
My son is about to head into his senior year of high school, and no matter how much I pray he will wait until after college to have sex, it will happen at some point, and regardless of when that is, I will not be ready. Raising a boy by yourself is hard. We have the special bond of mothers and sons, and one that is unique to us. He is my child, friend, confidant, and inspiration. He is also becoming a man. When your son engages in adult behavior, he will look at you one day and see an adult, not just a parent, so he will wonder what adult behavior you are engaging in. It is an odd feeling. As a single mother, talking about sex, drugs, love, politics, heartache, death, and the future with your child is difficult. Especially when that child is a boy. I want him to be balanced, which is challenging on my own.
I want my son to find a woman worthy of his heart. Statistically, he will not marry the woman he loses his virginity to, but that does not mean he should respect her any less than the woman he one day marries. I want him to gently step into adulthood, not run. I want him to feel safe in our relationship so he can share things with me, and I want to able to listen and support his choices without developing a twitch in my eye. When you have a child you always want the next step of life to come quickly, but when it does, you wish you could go back. That is the funny thing about being a parent. Time flies by. One minute you are changing diapers, and in the blink of an eye you are car shopping with the kid whose diapers you changed, and praying he has listened to your preaching, nagging, and praying.
You can’t wait for them to talk, then wish they would be quiet. You want them to walk, then wish they would sit down. You schlep them everywhere, wish they could drive, then wish they failed the diving test. When they grow up you can’t wait for them to experience life, but wish they could experience it from home for just a little bit longer. Being a single mother magnifies all these things. I look back on my years as a mother and am proud of myself for raising such a remarkable human being. I have not done it perfectly, but my son loves me and tells me how much every day. I have presented him with our faith in a way that he embraces it for himself, which is a proud accomplishment because it has been one of the most challenging aspects of being a single mother.
As my son gets older we will talk less and less about sex. That is how life works and to be honest, I am not sad about it. It is awkward to teach your kids about sex, and both sad and excting to watch them transition from childhood to adulthood. He will start to make more of his own choices, and a year from now he will be away at college, without my watchful eyes on him everyday. All I can do is hope he does the right thing, and that I am able to mind my own business. One day his wife will tell me I did a good job raising such a wonderful man and I will be very proud. I hope my son will look back at his childhood and be proud of me too. Our life is blessed, we are adjusting to this next phase together, and everything will be okay because we are keeping the faith.
July 9, 2013 | 4:01 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I know that abortion is a touchy subject. I understand that people are passionate about the debate, and that faith plays a role in how strong people’s opinions are. I think abortion is a personal decision, and in the interest of full disclosure, I support a woman’s right to choose, and believe abortion should be an available option to all women.
Some will agree with me, and some will say I am going to hell, and that is okay. I am not writing about whether or not abortion should be legal. This is about Michelle Duggar speaking in Austin, Texas this week, and saying that abortion is a “Baby Holocaust”. Blessings to this woman and her family, but for the love of God, to make this comparison is simply ignorant and makes no sense to me.
Michelle Duggar, along with her husband Jim Bob, are the stars of the TLC reality show 19 Kids & Counting, which has been on television for eleven seasons. She is the mother of 19, does not believe in abortion, is openly pro-life, and not shy about sharing her opinion and religious beliefs. I do not know her, but am sure she is a perfectly lovely woman.
However, to compare abortion to Hitler’s attempt to eradicate the Jewish people is offensive to me as a woman, as a Jew, and as an intelligent human being. I didn’t really have an opinion on Mrs. Duggar until now, but will share that I think she is unaware and uneducated on the subject of the Holocaust. Shame on her for making such a hurtful statement.
The Holocaust was the systematic mass murder of six million Jews during World War ll. Not only were Jews persecuted, but also Jehovah’s Witnesses, Roma Gypsies, blacks, homosexuals, Priests and Pastors who would not accept the Nazi ideology, the disabled and handicapped. Eleven million people were murdered during the Holocaust.
It was heartbreaking to hear what Mrs. Duggar said. How is it possible that people are so uneducated about this time in history? How is possible that a seemingly lovely woman would say such an idiotic thing in order to push her own personal agenda? How is it possible that those who lost their lives during the Holocaust are disrespected in this way?
I worked for many years in Holocaust education and it hurts to my core that people do not understand the history. I would encourage Mrs. Duggar to get educated. She has 19 kids, and counting, so for her to pass along her ignorance to them is sad. This is not about God, religion, or abortion. This is about being educated and choosing your words wisely.
Religion is what gives many comfort, yet rips many apart. Politics are what make this country great, yet rips it apart. I share my opinion on politics and religion. I am always honest, try to always be respectful, and welcome feedback from those who agree, and those who do not. When it comes to the Holocaust however, I have no tolerance for ignorance.
I will happily educate Mrs. Duggar should we wish to talk about it. I am angry about her speech, but also sad. It made me cry to not only hear of her comments, but of the applause she received. I am sad, mad, scared, and frustrated. My heart is heavy, but I am speaking out for 11 million souls, and I pray that my son is always free to keep the faith.
July 7, 2013 | 9:56 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
After years of comments on my blog, and months of texting, I finally met the man we will call, the “Vegetarian”. The Vegetarian has been reading my blog on and off for years, comments often, and has not been shy about sharing his take on them. He shares not only his opinions, but his feelings, which have really come to matter to me. We have an unusual friendship.
There is no judgment. I think we are both intrigued by the other. He is curious about my ability to share my life in such a public way, and I am intrigued by his ability to be honest and open about how he views me through my work. I value the friendship we have built, and truly never thought we would meet in person. He would just be the guy who writes me.
The guy that is completely non-threatening and safe. I can tell him everything, and never have to worry about feeling embarrassed or uncomfortable because it is not only me sharing. He shares in return, so there is comfort in the give and take. He is kind and has become my go to man for a male perspective on how men view relationships.
He has comforted me when I cry about my broken heart, smiled with me when I talk about the love I have for my son, and laughed with me as we both stumble through our single lives at this stage of life. He has become my friend, so when we met yesterday there was no fear or nerves. I was just hanging out with a pal for movie and maybe some dinner.
There is no bullshit between us. There is no need. It is a friendship based on a desire to be connected to someone, not a romantic interest. I met him without worrying about how he thought I looked, or whether I would be attracted to him. There was no threat, no pressure, no expectations, and no obligation. It was a non-date, which made it wonderful.
Sidebar: It is lovely to date a vegetarian when you yourself are a vegetarian. He has been a vegetarian for decades and is much more disciplined than I am. I still occasionally have sushi, but he is hardcore. To go out for dinner with a vegetarian is really nice. To not have to watch my dining companion eat carcass is rather refreshing and I totally dug it.
We went to see the Israeli film “Fill the Void”. I highly recommend it. It was beautifully shot, showed the life of religious Jews in a beautiful way, and shared a story of loss and love in a profoundly moving story. It has won many awards internationally and if you can find it playing near you, go see it. You don’t have to be Jewish to appreciate the story.
After the movie we went for dinner. It was comfortable, but also slightly awkward. As I sat across from a man whose friendship I have come to trust, I found myself thinking about how handsome he was. As he touched my hand to make a point, I thought about how lovely he was. My confusion may have been seen as indifference, but it was actually fear.
We all know I am dealing with the loss of love, and clearly a bit of a mess, but as we had dinner I saw him in a different light, and it freaked me out a bit. I actually panicked because the safety with him comes from him being my friend, and if I view him as something else, then I put the friendship at risk, and the friendship means a great deal to me.
Our friendship has been very organic in how it started, how it built, and how I hope it will continue. He was my friend first, and he will be my friend last. The question becomes what to do in the middle. You cannot be friends with someone you have had a relationship with once the relationship ends. My last relationship is a testament to that.
I will over think, over analyze, and over complicate it all. I will think about my friend and our meeting. In the end I will let him guide us because I trust him. He is aware of my fragile heart and my lack of trust in my choices. He is my friend, he has no hidden agenda, he is lovely, and he knows that I am simply striving to keep the faith.