Posted by Ilana Angel
I had a date this weekend with a man I met on Match.com. He seemed like a lovely man and I was attracted to his relationship with his children. It did not hurt that I thought he was gorgeous. He was so handsome that the moment he walked up I did not understand why he was on a date with me.
I think I’m beautiful. I have a warm heart and a kindness in my eyes that people respond to. I have beautiful hair, killer boobs and while I am not a skinny girl, I own every inch of my body and rock it. I am a curvy woman and not ashamed of my body. I dress sexy, am sexy, and am confident.
My match.com profile says that I am 45, has current pictures posted, and lists my body type as “a few extra pounds”. I am very honest in the profile about who I am, who I am not, what I am looking for, and what does not work for me. I have not misled anyone or written anything I am ashamed of.
Our date was Sunday night and on Monday night I got an email that read in part:
Ilana, to be honest with you, the pictures you have up are not recent. I felt very deceived. One last thought, you need to take a full body shot to at least give the next man a chance to see you fully before tricking them into thinking otherwise. You are fatter than in your photos. People like you have short-term happiness because of being dishonest.
He also made a comment about Jewish women, which I did not understand. This man who we’ll call “Dean”, decided to hurt my feelings for no reason. Telling me he was simply not interested was not an option. What kind of a man is that? One I date apparently.
I did not lie or deceive him in any way. I was honest with him as I am with everyone. I was intimidated by his looks so perhaps I was sarcastic, and not as relaxed as I should have been on the date, but I was honest about who I was, what I wanted, and how I looked. His email was uncalled for and mean.
If you go on a date with someone you are not interested in or attracted to, you can tell them in a kind way. Instead Dean chose to do it in a way that has left me quite fragile. I feel sad, unworthy, and unwilling to keep trying. A complete stranger has managed to break my spirit.
I can’t help but wonder if he thought I was fat when he kissed me by the car, or told me I looked just like my picture, or when he said I was gorgeous. I was expecting to have a second date and instead I got an email that was written with the intention of hurting my feelings.
I have horrible taste in men. I do not regret any relationship I’ve had and I thank God everyday for my marriage because even though it was a very unhappy and abusive time, I left with the most incredible and divine child in the world, my wonderful son.
I’m not good at knowing if someone likes me. I have demons that come out on occasion and tell me I am unworthy of love. It is insane because I am smart and know better, but I have a somewhat painful history that certainly does not define who I am, but sadly shapes my worldview.
I left an abusive marriage with a small baby, and built a life for myself. It took me years to open my heart to love and the serious relationships I’ve had since my divorce have ended in heartache. It has left me jaded but hopeful, so I keep searching for something I may never find.
Twenty-two years ago I was the victim of a violent crime and spent a very long time in the hospital recovering from my injuries. At the risk of sounding dramatic, it is a miracle I survived, both physically and emotionally. I fought my way back to health and happiness.
After the “accident” as I refer to it now, I gained a lot of weight. It was my mission to make myself as unattractive as possible so that men would not look at me. At the time of the accident I was smoking hot with a rocking body and I worked really hard to change that.
I eventually got married and had a baby, which is something that I still marvel at. My attacker told me that nobody would ever love me, and while I cannot remember what he looks like, I can hear his voice in my dreams and remember those words as if it was yesterday.
I’m not sharing my history for sympathy, and must insist you give me none. I share it because after I worked so hard to gain control of my life, I was happy, felt comfortable and safe with myself, and with men, and allowed myself to diet and start looking good.
If you just met me you might think I was heavy but if you saw what I looked like only 5 years ago, I look like a supermodel in comparison. I feel so skinny in my mind but I guess in the real world, not so much. I must have body dysmorphia because I think I look thin and fabulous.
After many years in prison my attacker was released. I thought I was fine but in the end I was perhaps not as prepared as I thought, and have put on weight since his release. I struggle with my body not because I don’t like it, but because I don’t want anyone to like it.
For this man Dean to tell me that I am fat is crushing in a way that I cannot explain, and while my depth of despair was not known to him, he must have known that as a woman his words would be hurtful to me. He was purposely mean and his lack of decency has sent me reeling.
My son knows of my accident as there was so much fear in my heart that he knew I was off a little bit. He has been wonderful in his acceptance of me and goes out of his way to mend my heart. This is the most honest blog I have ever written and it is for my son.
This darling boy has allowed my heart to love when I thought it never would. He has removed the shame of my experiences and allowed me to gather strength from them, and he has allowed me the honor of raising the type of man that I think the world needs more of.
When I got the email from Dean my son told me I am the most incredible person he knows and it would be hurtful to God if I did not share my heart with someone other than him. He explained that the challenges I’ve faced have made me the mother I am and he is grateful. I love this child.
My son, who is taking leaps and bounds towards being a man, gave me the strength to share a piece of my past that I was certain I never would. To any woman who is reading, who thinks she is not worthy of love because of how she looks, I want you to know that I think you are beautiful.
To women who have survived an “accident”, my heart cries with yours and while it will be with your forever, it does not, and will not, define who you are as a human being. Do not go through your journey alone. Get help and find someone to hold onto so that you will never fall.
You are not labeled by what you have been through. There is a man out there who will love you exactly as you are. You are worthy of love, compassion and support. I want you to know that from the most sincere place in my heart, I love you and have you in my prayers.
I won’t speak of this again and I know at some point I will regret having put it out there, but this is not about me. It’s about Dean. I have survived greater things than being rejected by him, so if his email was meant to make me feel bad about myself, it worked, but only for a minute.
I am too good for Dean and one day when his daughter is a woman, and someone is unkind to her, I hope he will remember his email. Though he was not decent to me, I will be decent to him and say I hope nobody ever makes his beautiful daughter feel bad about herself.
I am not changing my profile pictures, and I am not letting men know I’ve gained a little weight since my attacker was released from prison. I am going to own what I have, be proud of it, work on changing it, and believe there is a man out there to appreciate it, just the way it is.
I was going to make cookies last night and wallow in self pity, but instead I had a good cry, threw out the cookies, and went to bed. I am not going to let a coward make me feel so bad about myself that I take a step backward and lose my self esteem. I’m too smart for that.
To my son, you are the man of my dreams. I look forward to telling your children how lucky they are to have you for a dad. To my own father, who sat next to me everyday until I got well, I know you are watching over me and I am okay. Rest in peace Dad. I love you.
To every woman who thinks she is not good enough, you are. To survivors of violent crimes, I rise up with you. To Dean, I forgive you for perhaps your pain is greater than mine. I am full and fabulous and I will not be broken, as long as I hold God close and keep the faith.
12.5.13 at 3:16 pm | Heaven has received a blessing today.
12.3.13 at 3:05 pm | Every time I go into the kitchen I half expect to. . .
11.30.13 at 10:42 am | "The only correct actions are those that demand. . .
11.29.13 at 1:56 pm | My nest will never empty as my son will always be. . .
11.28.13 at 7:59 am | Think. Laugh. Cry.
11.26.13 at 7:06 am | God places love where we don't always see it.
11.30.13 at 10:42 am | "The only correct actions are those that demand. . . (524)
11.28.13 at 7:59 am | Think. Laugh. Cry. (383)
11.29.13 at 1:56 pm | My nest will never empty as my son will always be. . . (379)
May 30, 2011 | 7:12 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
Every single day, including this Memorial Day, someone will die or be injured while serving this country on our behalf. It is our duty, to remember that today is about the troops, past and present, and not just about a BBQ or day off from work. It’s important to take a moment and acknowledge and thank our armed forces.
Remember those who are overseas. Remember those here at home. Remember those who are coming home injured. Remember those who are getting ready to go. Remember every single person who has ever put on a uniform and served the United States. They dedicate their lives, to our being able to live ours.
To every man and woman who is serving here in the USA and overseas, every mother and father who has a child serving, every child who has a parent serving, every family who is waiting for someone to come home, every family who has lost member of their family, thank you. Thank you.
There are kids serving who are not that much older than my child. There are men and women serving who are missing their kids. It is a huge sacrifice to be in the military, and I can’t wrap my head around what it must feel like to be on a plane heading overseas, or on a plane back home, having finished a tour of duty. I imagine heading in either direction is scary.
If you see someone in uniform say thank you and keep the armed forces in your prayers. Thank you to everyone who fights every day to make this a great country. Your bravery and sacrifices are appreciated and respected by all of us. You are in our hearts, we are all waiting for you come home, and we are keeping the faith.
May 27, 2011 | 5:41 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tiki Barber is not an anti Semite. He is however, an idiot. Just when I thought I could not lose any more respect for this jerk off, he has outdone himself. This guy needs to stop talking in public. Not only should he stop talking, but I would also suggest he never leaves his house. Just stay home Tiki, and reflect on what you have become.
As a bit of a back-story, Tiki Barber was married to Ginny Cha. They have been married for eleven years and have two sons together, ages 6 and 7. Ginny is 8 months pregnant with twins when Tiki announces that he is leaving her for a 23 year old intern that he has been having a sexual relationship since she was 21.
This guy is a pig of epic proportions and qualifies for the Douchelord club of which Tiger Woods is the Founder, Arnold Schwarzenegger is the President, and John Edwards is the Treasurer. These men are shameful and would be mortified by their behavior if they were not so stupid. Tiki Barber is on the fast track to career suicide.
But wait, just when I thought he could not be more disgusting, he topped himself. In speaking about the stress and pressure he felt when he left his wife for his whore, he went to stay with his agent Mark Lepselter. In talking about that time Barber said, “Lep’s Jewish and it was like a reverse Anne Frank thing. Really? Could he be this idiotic?
Abe Foxman from the ADL said, “The analogy to Anne Frank is not funny, it is outrageous and perverse. Anne Frank was not hiding voluntarily. Before she perished at age 15 in the Bergen-Belsen concentration camp, she hid from the Nazis for more than two years, fearing every day for her life. The Frank family’s experiences, as recorded in Anne’s dairy, are a unique testimonial to the horrors of the Holocaust, and her life should never be debased or degraded by insensitive and offensive analogies.”
Lepselter is clearly applying to join the Douchelord Club himself by saying that Tiki was trapped in the attic for a week. he has no issues with Jews because he even visited Israel a few years ago and was a guest of the President. Mr. Lepselter, your client is a moron and so are you. You may be even more of a douche as you are Jewish and defending him and his remarks.
To be fair, I am sure Mr. Barber was not actually comparing his experience to that of Anne Frank. However, there is no way what he said cannot be taken as offensive. It was stupid and hurtful. For a man who is trying to rebuild his career and reputation, this was not the way to go. Tiki Barber needs to spend less time being an idiot, and more time keeping the faith.
May 26, 2011 | 3:47 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I’ve said it before and I will say it again, I love Justin Bieber. I LOVE HIM. I listen to his music, watch his movie, follow him on Twitter, have a completely appropriate crush on him, and am not ashamed to say it.
I love that this deeply religious Christian kid cannot only recite the Sh’ma, but does so before every concert. He is committed to his own faith, but open to others. At the risk of sounding dramatic, Justin Bieber could change the world.
It’s a great lesson to kids growing up that faith matters, and while personal, you can respect those who don’t have the same views or beliefs as you do. I believe this kid has important things to teach people.
He’s a pop star, and a child, but he has power and if given the proper opportunity to use it for good, he could help change the way an entire generation looks at faith, tolerance, and hope.
The Biebs is sporting a tattoo on his ribcage that reads “Yeshua”, which is the Hebrew word for Jesus. I love tattoos and think his is beautiful. Justin is strolling towards adulthood, and for a boy who could have selected any tattoo in the world, the one he chose shows us who he is, and let’s me know he is keeping the faith.
May 25, 2011 | 1:40 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
John Edwards, the former North Carolina senator and two-time Democratic presidential candidate, is a cheating, disgusting, schmuck. It has bothered me for years that he was not held accountable for using contributions to pay for his whore, Rielle Hunter. God Bless Karma because it appears she is finally going to deal with Edwards.
The Justice Department has been investigating whether or not Edwards used campaign funds to hide his affair with Rielle, the whore, who is the mother of his youngest child. The one that was born while his wife was dying of cancer, and he pretended to care by projecting the image of the loyal husband. Seriously, this guy is a pig.
The Wall Street Journal is reporting that lawyers for Edwards are trying to cut a deal and get a plea agreement together before official charges are filed. I hope they turn him down and he is forced to stand trial for his illegal behavior. If no deal is reached they are expected to seek a grand-jury indictment. That would be excellent.
It’s all speculation of course, and based on the words of “insiders” or those “close to the case”, so we’ll see what happens, but I sincerely hope this guy pays for what he did so that his wife can rest in peace. I feel bad for his children of course, but just because they lost their mother should not entitle their dad to a get out of jail free card for their dad.
Beyond the rumors of an indictment, there is word that Rielle, the whore, is shopping a book deal about her life. Is she kidding? We know the story bitch. You slept with a married man, had his baby, lied about who the dad was to pocket some cash, and made sure his wife’s last year on earth was hell, because dealing with cancer and leaving your children in not hellish enough. Whoever gives her a book deal is a whore too
I hope the indictment goes through. Regardless of what went on his marriage, and regardless of what he did with his whore, he broke the law. This is a man who was unable to be decent when his wife was dying, and it’s time he came clean and paid the piper. As for his children, we must keep them in our prayers, hope that justice is served for Elizabeth, and keep the faith.
May 25, 2011 | 6:54 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
This blog was posted yesterday by Rob Eshman, Editor-in-Chief of Tribe Media Corp., and I think it’s great. Check it out and I will meet you at the bottom.
By Rob Eshman
Two months before Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted to fathering a child with his housekeeper, I spent a week e-mailing rabbis about adultery.
My question to them was this: Would they agree to a public dialogue with the creator of an online matchmaking service for people seeking extramarital affairs?
One after another, they said no.
I understood. The Web site, AshleyMadison.com, has a whiff of sleaze about it, and the discussion was to be filmed for an upcoming HBO documentary on adultery, over which the rabbis would have no control.
But now, in the wake of the Schwarzenegger scandal and the sexual assault charges against Dominique Strauss-Kahn, there seems more than ever to be a need for an ancient religion to confront all the ways we can destroy marriages, trust, families and reputations. Temptation is not new, but technology has made it even more convenient. Is there a way for Judaism to address this directly, publicly, effectively?
All weekend, at the Shabbat table Friday night, at Temple Beth Am on Saturday, at a Milken Community High School event Sunday, on the beach at Lag b’Omer on Sunday night, three topics ruled conversation: Obama and AIPAC, Strauss-Kahn and his maid, Arnold and his maid.
Read the rest of Rob’s column here.
I think 1-800-DONTCHEAT is a brilliant idea. Is anyone going to call and change their mind about banging the housekeeper? I think the chances of that happening are about as good as a married person opening up an internet account, on the computer they share with their spouse, with a company that will help them discreetly cheat.
Could talking to a Rabbi change your mind about not only cheating, but joining Ashley Madison? Maybe not, but if it were my spouse about to cheat, I would be happy if it did. The marriage might still end, but it would be easier to walk away without a cloud of infidelity hanging over. Divorce is hard enough without infidelity in the mix.
I think Ashley Madison is disgusting. I think 1-800-DONTCHEAT could be the one thing that balances out Noel Biderman’s karmic debt. Come on Noel, use some of the millions you are making on the crushed souls of others to do good. Even if one person out of a million did not cheat it would be worth it. At least to that one spouse.
I get that Ashley Madison is not going anywhere, but how great would it be if someone took it on and offered a different option? It’s a funny idea to be sure, and one that might only end up on Saturday Night Live, but still, I think it has possibilities. I think anything that can knock Biderman down few notches is worth exploring.
Noel Biderman of Ashley Madison is a pig. My friend Noel Biderman from Toronto is a decent guy who needs to find a way to right his wrongs so this might be it. I’m not sure there is hope for Noel’s karmic debt to be paid, or that 1-800-DONTCHEAT is anything more than a brilliant idea, but I’m keeping the faith.
May 24, 2011 | 3:48 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I think soccer is a boring sport. I was a soccer mom for years, schlepping my kid around during the summer to AYSO games and practices. Sitting in the heat, cutting oranges, and getting sun burned was never my idea of a good time. There was action for about 1 minute during a game that lasted an hour.
When my son made it to the All Star team I was so proud of him I wanted to bust, and at the same time thought it was a drag that the season would continue. God Bless Soccer Moms. I was the perfect schlepping and supportive mom but looking back now, I can share that I thought soccer sucked.
I could tell you about the year my ex-husband’s wife decided the best way to get my kid to like her would be to coach his soccer team. Good times. When I went to the first game everyone was surprised to meet me as they thought she was his mom. That’s a story for another day but I will say her plan did not work. Nice try though.
Back to soccer, I don’t get it. It’s running and cheering, and drinking, which is good, but you sit there for an hour in the hopes of getting one minute of excitement. I suppose that one minute is worth it to some, but it never was to me. Until now. I think my view of soccer might be changing.
I recently went to an LA Galaxy game with my kid. It was a schlep out to Carson to see the game, but Beckham was playing and I wanted to get a look. After the long drive, the impossible parking, and walking for miles, we made it into the stadium and all I can say is WOW.
It was electric. There was a sense of community that was really fantastic. We had the best time and I would go again. I can only imagine what a game must be like in Europe where it is embraced in such a huge way. This was not my kid’s Saturday soccer game.
Important to note the stadium was full of families and lots of kids. From a single gal’s perspective however, there were also pockets of men. Gorgeous, drunk, fun men. I think I might gather a group of my single girlfriends and head out to a game for some hunting.
David Beckham was gorgeous, charming, and fun to watch. The Galaxy won which was great, and we left feeling happy and wanting to go to another game. I never would of thought I would enjoy it so much. It was really great, then I saw Javier Cortes today and it got even better.
Cortes is 21 years old and adorable. His goal won the championship for his team and you can’t watch his reaction without feeling happy for him. He’s just a kid and this is an awesome moment for him. I love Javier Cortes, and am slowly starting to love this game. Who knew?
Check of the goal that Cortes made below. It’s as if he is running through people. I am acquiring a new love of soccer and look forward to going to more games. The excitement is contagious, the men are gorgeous, and for 30 seconds of magic, I am willing to keep the faith.
May 24, 2011 | 1:44 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
Ilana Angel’s blogs about reality television have a new home here at JewishJournal.com.
Check it out at