May 30, 2010 | 11:28 pm

God Bless America, God Bless the Troops & Happy Memorial Day

Posted by Ilana Angel

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I was not sure what the difference is between Memorial Day and Veteran’s Day, so I looked it up.  What I learned, was that while both days are about honoring those who serve in the armed forces for our country, Veterans Day pays homage to all Americans who have worn the nation’s military uniforms, both living and dead, while Memorial Day is a day to remember all U.S. military personnel who died in wars or other military actions.

This day is very important.  I would hate to think that people look at the day as simply some time off of work, to BBQ with friends and family.  Every single day, including this Memorial Day, someone will die, or be injured, while serving this country, on our behalf.  It is our duty, to remember that today is about the troops, past and present. 

To every man and woman, who is serving, both here in the USA, and overseas, thank you.  To every mother and father, who has a child serving, thank you.  To every child, who has a parent serving, thank you.  To every family, who is waiting for their loved ones to come home, thank you.  To every family, who has lost a beloved member of their family, thank you.  To all of you, you have our heartfelt thanks.

I have a friend who is currently in Iraq.  He is a new friend to me, a life long friend of a dear friend of mine, and he is a hero.  His name is Major Randy Langer, he is a career military man, and is in Iraq for the first time.  He will be there for a year, and today is about him.  To Randy, and all the men and women who are serving, you are all in our thoughts and prayers.  We are waiting for you to come home, safe and sound.

I met Randy last year, and he is the only soldier that I personally know.  He is very tall, very handsome, and very brave.  I happen to think that all men who wear a military uniform are handsome, but even in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, Randy is gorgeous.  I’ve been thinking about Randy for a few days.  His being deployed to Iraq, has changed how I view every single person who is serving our country.  It’s now not only real, but it’s personal.

There are kids serving who are not that much older than my child.  There are men and women serving who are missing their kids.  It is a huge sacrifice to be in the military, and I can’t wrap my head around what it must feel like to be on a plane heading overseas, or on a plane back home, having finished a tour of duty.  I imagine heading in either direction is scary.

As you all enjoy this holiday, remember the people who are serving.  Remember those who are overseas.  Remember those here at home.  Remember those who are coming home injured.  Remember those who are getting ready to go.  Remember every single person, who has ever put on a uniform, and served the United States of America.  They dedicate their lives, to our being able to live ours.

If you see someone in uniform, say thank you. Put the armed forces in your prayers.  I am blessed to live in America, and honored to know Major Randy Langer.  To Randy, be well, be safe, and know you are in our thoughts and prayers.  Thank you to everyone who fights every day to make this a great country.  You are in our hearts, we are all waiting for you come home, and we are keeping the faith.

May 28, 2010 | 1:06 am

The Real Housewives of New York City – Money Can’t Buy You Class

Posted by Ilana Angel

Just as I’m finally absorbing everything that happened on last week’s show, it’s time for another one.  We ended with Kelly searching for satchels of gold, and we begin with her making a stealth departure in the middle of the night.  She left a note to Ramona saying she needed to take care of her girls.  Translation:  Bravo got her the hell out of there before they had a suicide or mass murder on their hands.

Bethenny, Sonja, Ramona and Alex are having breakfast, relieved that Kelly has gone home.  They are worried about her, and have decided they just need to let it all go, because they are not dealing with a healthy person.  Really? It took them this long to figure out Kelly was not well?  I seriously think all these chicks should sue Bravo for putting them in harms way.  I wonder if psychological tests are done before you can become a housewife.

The ladies are all getting pedicures together, finally enjoying a peaceful last day of vacation.  Then, out of nowhere, you hear a screeching yell.  First you think an animal is being tortured, but then, once you get your bearings, you realize it’s just Jill Zarin. Seriously, this woman’s voice makes me want to pour cement in my ears to block it out.  It is painful to listen to her.  It’s a weird, kvetchy, cackle, and it’s annoying.

They are all blown away, pissed off, and the bubble of bliss has popped.  Jill walks in, to an all girls get away, that she said was stupid, with her husband.  I feel bad for Bobby.  Not only has be had to fight cancer, but the business that his family spent decades building, is now forever tainted by his shrill, narcissistic, wife.  She has done nothing this season, but show herself as a crazy person, who must love herself, because no one else does.

Everyone’s reaction is just bizarre.  It’s so completely over the top, and blown out of proportion, that you can’t help but laugh.  It’s awkward, uncomfortable, and no matter how much you dislike Jill, you almost feel sorry for her, that she is made to feel so bad.  By feel sorry for her, of course I mean serves you right for being a crazy bitch Jill.  Jill Zarin, meet Karma.  Karma, meet that girl we’ve been telling you about.

Jill seriously has no idea why everyone is so upset.  She does not get why they are not thrilled to see her.  At the end of the day, Kelly may very well be insane, but all of these chicks are crazy.  It is like watching high school.  The mean girls are out of control.  The nice ones, are actually mean ones, in disguise.  Bravo needs to give Sonja her on show, about being single in New York City, and kick these other lunatics to the curb.

Bethenny sits there and says nothing.  Sonja sits there wondering what the hell she is doing there.  Ramona’s eyes are going nuts, and Alex is about to have a seizure of some kind.  Poor Alex.  You gotta love this chick.  With all her weirdness, she means well, is a good friend, and has been bullied by Jill, to the point where even seeing her, makes her crumble into a blob of mush.  It’s sad really.  You can see the pain in her face, and you want to help her.

Jill leaves, Ramona goes out to talk to her, and explain that she is sorry about how everything is going down, but Jill does not get it.  We spend a lot of time talking about how crazy Kelly is, but Jill is just as much of a lunatic as Kelly, if not more, because she is completely aware of what she is doing, whereas Kelly has no clue.  As Ramona is talking about what is happening, Jill makes it all about her.

Jill says over and over, how mean all the girls are, how they kicked her out, and she is crying, and whining, and does not get it.  She does horrible things, says horrible things, then forgets what she did and said.  She is in the car with Bobby, telling him how she wanted to have peace, and be with everyone.  I am so sick of all the love and light crap these chicks are spewing.  There is no love, or light.  There’s just cameras, and really bad acting.

Jill is gone, Kelly is gone, and finally there is peace.  The ladies are talking about babies, and sonograms, and growing tummies, when Ramona chokes.  Literally.  She is fine, but this one second of panic, is enough to show us that Sonja Morgan is divine, and needs to have her own show.  Between her ability to give the Heimlich to both humans and dogs, and her desire to have a defibrillator in her home, she is television perfection.

The Real Housewives of New York City must be cancelled immediately, and replaced with “Sonja In The City”.  We can follow her around, see how she lives, go on her dates, all of it.  This woman is fabulous.  She is funny, charming, and cute as hell.  Bethenny got her own show, and now it’s time for Sonja.  I could care less about anyone else on this show.  They had a few good years, time to wrap it up.  It’s Sonja time Bravo!

Alex and Sonja are going to give a little bridal shower to Bethenny and Ramona.  After a lovely dinner, with great food, and a lecture on male genitalia by Sonja, Alex gives both Betthenny and Ramona handcuffs.  It’s hilarious.  Ramona has no clue how they work, what they are for, or why she was given them.  Sonja questions how Ramona keeps her love life “up to date”.  Seriously Bravo, it’s Sonja time.  Give this woman a show already.

Jill, Kelly, Countless, and Jen Gilbert are having lunch.  Jen is the new chick, and boring, who cares.  Countless has cut her hair and has wings growing out the side of her head.  The girls are gossiping like there is no tomorrow.  Countless asks Kelly what happened, and Jill has to make some stupid comment about how she already knows.  This is why we can’t stand you Jill.  Shut up already.  This is not about you.  Actually, it’s never about you.

Sidebar:  Jill tells Countless that it’s too bad her single won’t be released in time for her party, so she can put it in the goody bags.  Countless is appalled that Jill would think she would give them away. Stick by your guns Countless Darling. Don’t give away a single one!  When you sell them for $0.96, as a combo pack with your book on eBay, it will add up before you know it!

Kelly is rambling about how she does not like to gossip, yet she is gossiping.  She then recounts the weekend, and nothing that she tells them is true.  She is insane.  This woman needs to be in a hospital resting, but Bravo is a ratings whore.  We will watch the show if she’s there or not, so let the poor woman go skip through the daisy’s in a nice white jacket.  I am disgusted by this show today.  Not enough to stop watching, but still disgusted.

Sidebar:  Remember those blow up clown punching bags, that used to be around when we were kids?  The kind that had sand in the bottom, with a round edge, so no matter how many times you hit it, it popped back up?  I want one, with the face of the Countless on one side, and Jill on the other.  That would be the greatest gift ever.  I’m going get myself one.  Not kidding.  I want one, I will get one, and I will use it.  Daily.

Sonja is having a party, and everyone but Jill is there.  Countless is gossiping.  She cannot stand it that she may not know everything, and always says she hopes people are not talking about her.  Is she kidding?  She lives for people talking about her.  The girls step out of the party to talk about the trip.  Countless tries to understand, and defend Kelly, but there’s no point.  Countless sees that perhaps Kelly is not playing with a full deck of cards.

It’s time for Jill’s holiday party.  It’s a skating party at Bryant Park.  Sidebar:  When Jill was first planning the party with Jen, she said the party had to happen at Wollman Rink in Central Park.  She talked about how she knew Donald Trump, who owns the rink, and she could get him to give it to her, and it was a must have.  Hey Jill, being at the same party as Trump, does not make you his friend, or the ability to call in a favor.  Just saying.

Jill is hosting her party, and all she wants to talk about, is how much she misses Bethenny.  She is talking to her sister, and telling her she wants to fix things.  Translation:  Bethenny is going to get a ton of press with the wedding and baby, and Jill wants to make sure she is in some of those pictures.  She’ll suck up and cave, as long as it gets her in People and InTouch with Bethenny and the baby.

Jill puts on a ridiculous skating dress, and before she skates, she lets us know her sates are too tight.  She is prepping us for how much she will suck, before she steps foot on the ice.  She goes to start her little routine, and immediately falls flat on her face.  Hilarious.  Even funnier than her wipe out, is that she does one spin and needs to quit because it’s too cold.  Really?  Too cold for skating?  On ice?  In the winter? She’s an idiot.

Ramona arrives, and Kelly immediately makes a b-line for her, and wants to attack her for abandoning her on the trip.  Ramona tells her she will talk to her tomorrow, not at the party.  Kelly won’t leave her alone, and immediately slips right back into her mental breakdown.  One of my readers suggested that Kelly’s craziness towards Bethenny, is because she is in love with her.  I’m thinking there could be some truth to that.  How great is that theory?

Jill gives a little speech welcoming everyone to the party.  She says it’s for their closest family and friends, then they cut to a shot of Countless with her ridiculous record producer.  Closest friends?  Whatever Whackadoodle.  Jill talks to Ramona.  She wants, peace, love and light, and wants to stop fighting with everyone.  Translation:  She wants to be on the cover of People with Bethenny and the new baby.

Next week is the season finale, and all I can say is thank God.  I’m so over it.  The finale will give us Ramona’s renewal ceremony, Jill and Bethenny having lunch, and Countless performing her song at a party.  I shall watch it, love it, and be grateful that’s it’s done.  As for next year, again, Dear Bravo, cancel this show for New York, and give Sonja a show, all by herself.  Are you listening to me Andy Cohen?  I’m keeping the faith.

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May 27, 2010 | 12:59 am

Simon Cowell IS American Idol - A Recap In Tribute

Posted by Ilana Angel

The two hour, season finale special started, as it has for 9 seasons, with the burning question, Why does Ryan Seacrest have a job on television?  We are down to Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze.  Both will have recording careers, so it does not matter who wins, and it’s not even why we watch.  We watched for only one reason.  Mr. Simon Cowell.

The opening number has the Michael Jackson guitar chick playing, and the top 12, doing a group performance of “School’s Out”, by Alice Cooper.  Just as our eyes are about to bleed, Alice Cooper comes out to sing with them.  By sing, of course I mean lip sync.  They have his mike all but turned off.  It’s Alice Cooper, we know he can’t sing.  They robbed us by not letting him belt it out.

Then Cris Allen sings.  If they didn’t say he was the reigning champ, I wouldn’t of known.  He is forgettable, and his song is forgettable.  I remember the good old days when actual singers like Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood won.  This guy could be in a bar, in any town in America, and I would think the same thing I think of him as the American Idol, nothing.

First video tribute to Simon, and the first appearance by Paula Abdul.  It was cute, and funny.  It is clear that this man makes the show, and it will hardly be worth watching without him.  What we also see, is that while Ellen is funny, Ryan, Randy, and Kara should all be thanking God every single day that they have a job.  I seriously don’t get them.

The two remaining Bee Gees sing next, with ousted contestants Siobhan and Aaron.  They all sound great, and it’s a good number. The Bee Gees are amazing, the music never gets old, and apparently neither do they.  They look a little fuller, and a little grayer, but their voices are in tact.

Big Mike is now singing the Doobie Brothers classic, “Taking It To The Streets”, and out comes Michael MacDonald.  I have loved Michael MacDonald for as long as I can remember.  The Doobie Brothers were made fabulous by MacDonald, and he sounds exactly the same as he always has.  Great song, great pairing, great musical moment.

Dane Cook does a musical tribute to Simon, by putting the things he said to music, with a song called “Simon Said”.  It’s catchy, and has a couple of funny things.  Then the producers make a huge mistake, by inviting some of the rejected contestants to come out and dance, while Cook sings.  Some guy takes the mike, starts ranting, and they immediately cut to a commercial.  Did they really think one of theses fame seekers would not ruin the moment?

The top six girls do a tribute to Christina Aguilera, and it’s painful.  Some songs should just be left alone, and unless you’re Christina, you should not sing hers.  Aguilera comes out and sings for ten seconds with the girls, and then they all leave, and allow the master to do her thing.  This girl can sing.  She can’t pick out a cute outfit, but she can sing like nobody’s business.

Ricky Gervais sends a video message to Simon, and it’s brilliant.  He is hilarious, the bit is fantastic, and a highlight of the show.  The interesting thing, is that as Ricky is doing his shtick, it becomes clear that whoever replaces Simon, must be English.  There will be such a huge void when he is gone, that it will somehow be easier to handle if at the least the accent remains.

The top six guys then do a Hall And Oates tribute.  It proves that as a group, the men are more talented than the women.  Hall and Oates come out, and they look exactly the same as they did in their hay day.  They have not changed.  They sounded good, and their music stands up to the test of time. Loved seeing them.  If only the contestants were as entertaining as the special guests.

Crystal sings Alanis Morissette’s “Ironic”.  If I were to channel my beloved Paula, it was a little pitchy and she screamed part of it.  Then the only person who can really pull off Alanis, Alanis herself, comes out, and they duet on “You Oughta Know”.  Morissette kills it, and we are all reminded that Jagged Little Pill needs more play time on our iPods.

Carrie Underwood sings her new song “Undo It”.  This chick is amazing.  She is beyond gorgeous, and beyond talented.  As American Idol dies a slow and painful death, we got a glimpse into a time when they struck gold, and it was good.  She is phenomenal.

Lee and Crystal get their new 2011 Ford cars.  They did not seem that excited about it.  Probably because they knew they would have to make another annoying Ford video.  I’m all about product placement, but the Ford videos are painful, and tonight was no different.

Casey James sings Poison’s “Every Rose Has A Thorn”, and you figure it’s a tribute to Bret Michaels, since he’s has such a hard time lately.  Then Michaels comes out, and sings the song with Casey.  Awesome.  I love Bret Michaels, and he is the ultimate rock star.  A seriously great moment.

It’s Lee’s turn to pay tribute to the city where he auditioned and hails from, Chicago.  He does a melody of Chicago songs, with Chicago.  Then we have another video tribute to Simon.  Silly, and not that funny.  But it’s always good to see Paula.  We’re almost done, and still hoping she makes an appearance.

It’s time for the classic “Pants On The Ground,” by General Larry Platt.  We are given the special gift of guest performer William Hung.  Funny, and oddly catchy song.  I’m not too embarrassed to say that it might end up on the iPod.

And then there was Paula.  She came, and she looked fabulous.  She was not funny, and went on too long, but she looked terrific, was wonderful, and it would not have been acceptable if she were not there.  She got to not only say goodbye to Simon, but for herself.  It was redemption for her, because she knew, they all knew, we would have been pissed if they did not have her back.

There is a Frank Sinatra “My Way” tribute which was sweet, but the highlight of the evening came when all the American Idol past winners sang a song together.  Sadly everyone was there except for David Cook, but it was really great.  We were reminded that some amazing talent was found through this show, and by through this show, of course I mean by Simon, and by talent, of course I mean everyone but Taylor Hicks.

The big superstar finish comes courtesy of Janet Jackson.  She has cut her hair super short, and it makes no sense that someone can be that attractive. She sounded great, looked great, and the song was beautiful.  She then sang Nasty, in what will undoubtedly be named the most unfortunate outfit of 2010.  Seriously awful.  Really, really, really bad.

Crystal and Lee give their last performance of the night with the classic “With A Little Help from My Friends” by Joe Cocker.  It was good, until Joe Cocker joined them, then it became great.  Is it just me, or was anyone else surprised he was still alive?  I could have sworn he had passed.  Brilliant performance.

Overall it was a start studded two hours, and worth the investment.  I will miss Simon Cowell on American Idol, and plan to follow him to his new show.  He looked handsome tonight, genuinely touched by the tributes, and happy to have Paula there with him.  They gave him a proper send off, and that was important.  Good luck to you Simon.

Mazel Tov to Lee DeWyze.  Your life is about to go nuts.  You are only 24, and having your dreams come true at such a young age can be scary.  Just be true to yourself, and always remember where you came from.  Call your mom.  Often.  Enjoy this moment, and no matter how hard it gets, how tired you are, or how overwhelming it becomes, it will all be fine, if you remember to keep the faith.

 

 

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May 26, 2010 | 10:33 am

Dancing With The Stars, America Idol, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Jesse James & Three’s Company

Posted by Ilana Angel

Kate Gosselin was on the season finale of Dancing With The Stars last night.  My eyes are still bleeding, and my stomach hurts from all the laughing.  I just don’t get this chick.  In her little interview package, she was trying to appear likeable and carefree, yet all she talked about was how controversial she is.  She is ridiculous.  That she is getting another show on TLC is mind-boggling.

When she pulled off her skirt, and started lip-syncing to “I Will Survive”, I wanted to throw something at the television.  The best part of the whole thing, was her partner Tony’s face.  When she was lifted off in the cherry picker, the look of complete relief, at seeing her leave, was exactly how we all felt. Even if you allocate 15 minutes of fame for her, and each of her kids, her time is up.  Bye Bye Kate.

There was no surprise when Nicole won the title.  Of course she won people, she’s a dancer!  I think Evan was robbed, and totally should have won.  By Evan, of course I mean Erin, because let’sf ace it, Evan is also a dancer of sorts.  Erin should have won the title.  Not because she is a star, because she’s not, but because she became a dancer before our eyes.

I have not really being paying attention to American idol this season.  I watched in the beginning, but there wasn’t anyone that was riveting enough, to keep me tuned in each week.  I’m not sure who will win tonight, and don’t really care.  That said, Simon Cowell is the best part of that show, and I will miss him when he’s gone.

I will follow him to his new show, because he is good television, and I will watch the finale of American idol tonight. Not because of the singing, but because of the farewell tributes they have planned for Simon.  Paula will be there, and I’m sure it will be fabulous.  Who they choose to replace him is irrelevant, because no one can fill his shoes.

This week’s episode of the ladies of New Jersey, was not particularly interesting.  Until the last 5 minutes.  We could talk about the car wash, strip clubs, the new baby, how sad Dina is, or the gun shop in Jacqueline’s basement.  All boring, when we can talk about how Danielle thinks she is in the mafia.

She goes to her friend Danny’s house.  Danny is a convicted felon, as is his friend Johnny.  They all start talking in innuendos and code language.  She actually thinks she is a Soprano, and it’s mortifying.  Why Bravo continues to indulge her is beyond me.  This woman needs to be in a hospital, away from her kids.

Jesse James was on Nightline last night, sharing his side of the story.  I’m wondering why in the world he thinks that we care about what he has to say.  We never cared before the scandal broke, so why would we care now?  Seriously, the best thing that Jesse James can do, is stop talking.  Someone needs to tell him silence is golden.

It’s heartbreaking that he was abused by his father.  It’s sad that underneath all his tattoos and bravado, he is a scared little boy.  It’s crushing that a marriage ended, and kids are left hurting.  All of it is upsetting.  At the end of the day however, all of it is his fault, and we don’t care.  It’s over Jesse, move on, and shut up.

I think it’s time that Three’s Company was brought back to television.  If they cast Jesse James, Danielle Staub and Kelly Bensimon, they will have a hit.  Guaranteed.  The sexual tension between Kelly and Danielle will be riveting, and even more entertaining, will be that while we watch them fall in love, Jesse will be trying to bed them both. 

Reality television is a monster.  We live in a time when anyone can get a television show, anyone can be famous, and everyone is at risk of having their lives fall apart, publicly.  A hundred years from now, people will look back at this time, and conclude that reality television ruined the world.  By a hundred years, of course I mean tomorrow.  Everyone who is on a reality show, needs to seriously keep the faith.

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May 26, 2010 | 12:23 am

Shut Up About Sarah Palin Already.

Posted by Ilana Angel

Yesterday I went shopping at Target.  I was preoccupied, and not really paying attention, when I walked into a little boy.  He looked to be about 6 years old, and was standing alone in the aisle.  I bent down and told him I was sorry, asked if he was okay, and he assured me he was.

I asked the little boy who he was with, and he told me his mommy.  I took his hand, and told him I would help him find her.  He asked me to pick him up, which I did.  I asked what his mom’s name was, and I began to call out for her.  We quickly found her, as she was frantically looking for him

She was lovely, and happy to have her boy back in her sight.  I passed off the little man, and told her to have a good day.  The little boy, who had Down’s Syndrome, asked me what my name was.  I told him, and he responded with “Thank you Ilana.  I love you.”  It was precious.

About 20 minutes later, I was leaving the register, having just paid, when I heard the little boy calling my name.  I turned around, and saw he was in line with his mom, in the shopping cart.  I waved and said hello.  He asked to be let out of the cart.  I told the mother it was fine, and I would stay until she paid.

This woman was super cute, whispered thank you, and took her son out of the cart.  As he made his way over to where I was, he “pushed” a woman out of his way to get to me.  It wasn’t a shove, he’s just a child.  He gave her a little push, so he could get by.  He passed her, ran over, and said “Hello Ilana”. 

I lifted him up, put him on the counter of an unused register, and we talked until his mother finished paying for her shopping.  He asked me if I like to chew gum, which I do, and we talked about gum.  His mother came over with her bags, thanked me for the help, and we headed out of the store together.

As I walked to my car, the woman the little boy pushed out of his way, was getting into the car next to me.  She asked me where my little boy was.  I told her it was not my child, just a friend.  She told me I should tell my friend that her son was rude, and hurt her foot when he pushed her.

I think I actually started to laugh, and asked if she was serious.  I told her he did not push her, but just rushed past her, and he was not intentionally trying to hurt her.  I apologized for him, rolled my eyes, and went to get into my car.  As I closed my door, she called me a bitch.

Well.  I got out and said, “I beg your pardon?”  She then told me that I was a “Palin Lover”, and going to hell.  Oh. My. God.  Who are these people?  I about lost my mind, but instead, asked her calmly what she was talking about.  She explained it, as if we were talking about the weather.

Apparently, if you have a child with Down’s Syndrome, it means God is punishing you. God was punishing Palin for being a sinner, by giving her a “damaged” child.  He was punishing every person, who has a child with Down’s Syndrome, for a countless array of sins.

Seriously.  How is it possible that this opinion can even exist? This little boy was an angel, as is Ms. Palin’s son Trig, as are all children.  Kids are innocent, and to have hatred directed at a child, is crushing to me.  I cried the entire way home, and not a pretty cry, but a heaving, snotty cry.

I don’t care what you think about Ms. Palin.  My opinions about her are beyond irrelevant, and should matter to nobody but me.  I am not a politician.  I am, most importantly, and before all else, a mother, and I have this to say: SHUT UP ABOUT SARAH PALIN’S KID YOU MORON.

Ever since I wrote about my encounter with Sarah Palin, and the fact that I thought, after meeting her, that she was a cool broad, I have been the target of hate.  Both from strangers, and people I know.  I don’t think about it too much, because at the end of the day, who cares?

I met her, I dug her, I wrote about it, and I moved on.  Sarah Palin and I have nothing in common when it comes to our views on politics, abortion, hunting, or FOX News.  I did not judge her based on our different views, because that’s not my job.

Regardless of what I may or may not think about this woman, I would never, and I mean NEVER, say anything derogatory about her children.  Some things are off limits, and the top of that list, is children.  I liked her because she was funny, engaging, and charming.  We talked about our kids, my work, and clothes.  It was a million years ago, and not that big a deal.

I am sick and tired of people attacking this woman’s child.  Think whatever you want about her, I certainly do, but leave her kids alone.  To the woman at Target, you are disgusting and pathetic.  I could write a million things, and none of them are nice. Instead I will simply pray for you.

Kids are not born knowing hate, they are taught to hate.  People need to stop worrying so much about what Sarah Palin is going to do to the country, and start worrying about each other.  Hate is not in Alaska, it’s at Target. I’m very sad today.  May God bless all our children. Keep the faith.

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May 25, 2010 | 2:21 am

Ali Fedotowsky Is The New Bachelorette, But I’m Watching Anyway

Posted by Ilana Angel

There is no greater fan than me, when it comes to the Bachelor/Bachelorette series.  I love this show, Chris Harrison, Mike Fleiss, and the idea that you can find love this way.  Even though their track record is not stellar, it has worked, and the hope that it can happen again, is what makes me watch.

I am a hopeless romantic and I think this social experiment, while not based in reality, is a wonderful opportunity, and those who are given it, should be so grateful.  Whether or not I like the Bachelor or Bachelorette, I watch because I want love to be found.

The thing is, Ali Fedotowsky is beyond annoying, and I could care less if she finds love or not.  I would actually go one step further, and say that I if she does find love, I will feel a little bad for the guy who gets hooked by her.  She is referred to as America’s Sweetheart by Chris Harrison, but in reality, not so much.

I think she is annoying, boring, and manipulative, with just a drop of skank thrown in.  She’s a fake crying, forced laugher, padded bra wearing, celebrity seeking, bad dress choosing, mean girl, and I will never understand why she was given this opportunity.  Editing or not, she was horrible to Vienna on The Bachelor.

Important to note that if you look at my blog from January 5th, the day after The Bachelor, featuring Jake Pavelka, premiered, she was one of the frontrunners for me.  When I met her at the Bachelor house, on the first night, having been invited by the genius Mike Fleiss, I liked her.

She was sweet, and there was a kindness to her.  Cut to the moment she realized there was competition, Vienna, and she became a mean girl.  In the end I was glad she left.  That she is being rewarded, for being a bitch, is a bad message to young girls.  Whatever. I’m in.  Maybe she will win me over.  And maybe pigs will fly.

She made fun of Vienna’s extensions, yet her hair looks horrible in comparison.  Her dress was not flattering, had a bunny tail, kept falling off her shoulders, and she can’t walk in heals.  She hunches, and is a whiner.  I just don’t believe anything she says.  It’s episode one and she won’t stop telling us how much she gave up to there.  Enough.  It’s boring.

Here’s a look at the 25 men who have come to fall in love with a super cute, fake, mean girl:

1.  Frank:  quirky, charming, glasses, lives at home, no job
2.  Jay: bad hair, ambulance chaser, creepy; GONE
3.  Craig M.: Canadian, super sleazy, too much hair product
4.  Kyle: Mountain man, lonely, desperate, sweet: GONE
5.  Justin: Canadian, wrestler, weird, celebrity seeker
6.  Phillip: banker, ready for love, serious, boring: GONE
7.  Jonathan: weatherman, corny, harmless
8.  Ty: recently divorced, rebounding, no shot
9.  Chris L.: landscaper, lost his mother, I love him. Top pick.
10. Roberto: Oh. My. God. Gorgeous.  Top pick.
11: Tyler V.: advertising, too young, sweet but out of his league
12. Derrick:  loves himself, insecure: GONE
13. Steve: forgettable, what was his name again?
14. John C.: confident, John Cusackesque
15. Kirk: says he only came because it was Ali, liar
16. Chris H.: Canadian, Simon Cowell hair, bland, might surprise us
17. Jesse: awkward and peculiar from Peculiar
18. Chris N.: gushing, no real impression
19. Kasey: strange, stalker, clingy
20. John N.: nervous, slightly off, weird eyebrows: GONE
21. Craig R.: cute, tries too hard, clumsy
22. Tyler M.: cowboy boots, thought she was someone else: GONE
23. Hunter: couldn’t say hello because he had to pee, oddly charming
24. Shooter:  premature ejaculator: GONE
25. Jason: back flip off the limo, no personality: GONE

Frank makes the first move by pulling Ali out for a one-on-one.  He’s odd, but charming and funny.  He loves her.  He might be gay and not know it.  Kirk made her a scrapbook.  Total chick thing to do.  Loved it.  Kasey is just plain weird.  He’s too into it after only five minutes.  He’s good television.

Hunter wrote a song, and sang with the ukulele.  Total goof, but the song was awesome, and he is ballsy. Jason is bitter, and needs to go. “Shooter” tells Ali, after knowing her for a minute,  his nickname is from a premature ejaculation situation in college.  Bye bye loser.

Jonathan, the weatherman, is aggressive, Craig M. is disgusting, which is shocking, because he is Canadian.  Total sleaze ball.  Roberto is gorgeous, have no idea what he said.  She’s a smitten kitten, and he gets the first impression rose.  Good call.  He’s my top pick.

Chris L. is wicked awesome, and from Cape Cod.  He tells a white lie about his mother.  It is sweet, lovely, and respectful to his mother.  I fell in love with him for it.  He is my other top pick.  Kyle says he will eat a rose to take it into his soul.  He’s very lonely, and it shows.

Jay is a self-hater, puts himself down, and it’s sad to watch.  Justin is a wrestler, a goof, and also a Canadian.  The representatives from Canada are weak.  Don’t get it.  When he tells the guys he is a wrestler, everyone turns on him, and figures he’s there for all the wrong reasons, like getting famous.

Craig R. is a snitch, which is not attractive this early in the game.  He gave her a running shoe keychain.  Whatever.  Chris Harrison comes in and tells all the guys to write down names, of men they think are not there for Ali, and place them in a ballot box.  Let the games begin.

Peculiar Jesse made her a necklace.  Sweet, and perhaps not that peculiar.  The ballot box is counted, and the men think Justin, the wrester, needs to go home.  Ali meets with him alone for a minute.  She can give him a rose and have him stay, or send him home immediately.  He gets the rose.

Mountain man Kyle ,is devastated to be sent home.  For the first time in his life, he feels like a failure.  Put this poor man on a suicide watch.  Shooter, thought telling Ali he was a premature ejaculator, would be cute and ease the stress of the moment.  Really?  Not only is he gone, but he is humiliated.

Jay, the self-hater, is pissed he did not “bring it”, and would have sent himself home, if it was his choice.  Dear Lord.  This man needs to get a life coach, and cut his hair.  The first cut is over, and so the season begins.  I’m in it.  Not for Ali, as much as for the men, some of which will be great television.

I love this show.  I love it enough to watch it, even though I don’t care about the Bachelorette.  The idea of it is lovely, and maybe by the end of it I will like Ali, and be happy for her.  Hang on a second…. I’m laughing too hard to write…. one second…. need to catch my breath.  Okay.  I’m back.

This season we will watch them go to Iceland, Portugal, Turkey, and Tahiti.  Not only will we watch, but we will get sucked in.  At the end, we will hope love is found, and hold our collective breath, as we wait for a question to be asked.  We’ll be thrilled if we hear it, and feel duped if we don’t.  At the end of the day, this show is not about Ali, as much as it’s about finding love, and keeping the faith.

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May 24, 2010 | 12:05 pm

I Got Your Real Real Housewives Right Here

Posted by Ilana Angel

I watch all the Real Housewives shows on Bravo.  Not only do I watch them, I love them.  It’s fascinating to look into another people’s lives, especially when there are aspects of those lives that are appealing.  I think most people watch, envious of the ease in which these women’s lives are lived.

It’s been a drama packed season for the ladies of New Jersey, and New York City.  I’ve been blogging about them, and over the weekend my son asked me, “Mom, would you want their money, if it meant you had to have their problems too?”  It took me about one second to answer.  No.

I have a lot in common with quite a few of the ladies.  I am divorced, finding myself, raising a child alone, in my forties, trying to be a mom, and remember that I’m also a woman.  That’s where it stops.  My life is leaps and bounds better than theirs.

Here are five reasons why those ladies have a television show, while me and my friends don’t.  This is what my weekend looked like.  Does this look like it could be a reality show on Bravo?

1) I had a date with a man who would not stop picking his teeth.  Would not stop.  First it was with a toothpick, that he happened to have in his pocket.  Then it was with a knife.  Then it was with the wrapper from a piece of gum, folded up.  Not only was he picking his teeth, but at one point he used the knife to scratch his ear. 

2) My son thinks that if he leaves his clothes on the floor, while he sleeping, the clothes fairy will appear.  She will sort out what is clean and what is dirty.  She will fold everything and put it in his closet, or place them nicely in the hamper.  At 14, he does not believe in the tooth fairy, or the Boogie Man, but he is certain that the clothes fairy does in fact exist, and he is on her nightly route.

3) I went this weekend to buy groceries, and do some errands.  Coming out of Rite Aid, a homeless man asked me for help.  I put down my bags, and got a dollar out of my wallet, and gave it to the man.  He took it, and responded, “You just bought 4 bags worth of stuff, and all you can give me is a dollar?”  In a city where a cleaning lady drives a Lexus, and a 16 year old has a Benz, is it cool when homeless people complain when someone gives them a dollar?

4) My son’s cat, Fiddles, is the best cat ever.  I just adore her and she is a part of our family.  I think she talks to dead people.  At night, every night, she walks around the apartment, having a conversation.  She talks, stops as if she is listening to an answer, then talks again.  She goes on the balcony, sits down on a chair, and has a chat with someone, or something. There might be a ghost in my home, which is friendly with my cat.

5) The places I went shopping this weekend are as follows:  Old Navy ($1 flip flops!), Ralphs, Rite Aid, Payless Shoes, DSW, and Ross.  I bet the ladies of New York City have never even heard of these fabulous shopping places.  I think if Jill Zarin stepped into a Ross, she would break into hives, and have to go to St. Barts to recuperate from the trauma. 

If that does not have Bravo Reality Gold written all over it, I don’t know what does.  It’s not fascinating to see how these women live.  What is very interesting however, is knowing that they married into these lives.  Jill and the Countless are the best.  You married well ladies.  That’s all you did.  You both need a reality check.  The reason you are so unattractive, is because you have forgotten where you came from, and are buying into the labels and hype, that you have created.

I’m guessing that the Real Real Housewives of the San Fernando Valley is never going to be a show on Bravo.  I’m guessing that Jill and Countless will never shop at Ross or Payless.  I’m guessing that I will never marry for money.  I’m guessing that if given the opportunity to swap places, I would say no.  By guessing, of course I mean I would totally swap for one day, but only if it was the day they go shopping, and their husbands are out of town.

On this fabulous Monday morning I need to do laundry, clean the apartment, go to the grocery store to get all the things I forgot, figure out a nice way to tell the tooth picker I don’t want to see him again, be the clothes fairy for my kid’s room, change the kitty litter, find time to wash my hair, get a car wash, and check my lottery tickets.  That all screams Bravo to me.

I will be watching The Real Housewives this week.  Even with all the money, luxury homes, fabulous clothes, divine shoes, and no financial worries, none of their kids can stand them.  I may not have what they have, but I have what they want.  My kid loves me, enjoys my company, and will be seen in public with me.  I am counting my blessings, and keeping the faith.

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May 21, 2010 | 10:43 am

The Real Housewives of New York City – Satchels of Gold

Posted by Ilana Angel

Just when you think you need to stop watching the NYC housewives, Bravo does something so fabulous, you are right back in it with the ladies. This week we were presented with a very special gift.  A front row seat, to a housewife’s nervous breakdown.  After all the time we have invested in this show, we were given pure gold, courtesy of Kelly.

The girls are on the boat, talking about their night.  Everyone got a little drunk, did some dancing, and are starting a new day.  Bethenny refers to herself as a chef, and Kelly corrects her by saying she is a cook.  Bethenny is telling her to not speak about what she does not know.  Kelly, for no apparent reason,  responds with, “satchels of gold”, and everyone gets on the train to Crazytown.

Ramona surprises the ladies by moving them off of the yacht, and into a beachfront villa for the remainder of their trip.  Everyone is settling in, and Bethenny gives them all a beach bag, personalized with their initials, and packed with Skinny Girl swag.  It’s cute, and totally a nice gesture.  Kelly gets her bag, thinks it’s gross, and breaks down and cries over the bag.

She then decides she will feel better if she talks to Satan, so she places a call to Jill.  She tells Jill that Bethenny is crazy, and she is having nightmares that Bethenny is going to kill her.  Jill gives useless advice, and says she is worried about Kelly.  Whatever.  Kelly starts crying again, and moaning, and seriously losing her mind.

Morning has come again, Bethenny is making breakfast, and Kelly decides to have a “complaint pad”.  Everyone can write down what is bugging them, then they can crumple it up, and throw it away.  She is a scary, and unstable freak.  That said, she has the most magnificent body.  Ever.  If I had her body, I would walk around naked all day. 

Once again, no one knows what Kelly is talking about.  If you take out all the Bravo fluff, and just focus on Kelly, it would appear that she is suffering from a psycosis of some kind.  She is a danger to herself, and others, and that Bravo is filming it all, is both entertaining and heartbreaking.  You want to turn away, but can’t turn it off.

Kelly, who we already know can’t operate a camera, is going to take everyone’s picture, on the beach, in their bathing suits.  Everyone but Bethenny, who is escaping the madness, and taking a break.  Sonja is gorgeous, and looks beautiful, while Ramona is rocking the smallest bikini I have ever seen on a woman in her 50’s, and she looks fabulous.

I said it last week, and I’ll say it again, these women, and their bodies, are inspiring.  Nice job ladies.  It’s Alex’s turn, and she looks so ridiculous, that I watched her modeling walk at least 20 times, over and over again.  The only thing funnier than Alex’s photo session, is Kelly pretending to be a photographer.

Jill is back.  Sadly.  The show was so great without her last week, and it’s disappointing to see her return. She is practicing her figure skating, and is on the ice.  By on the ice, of course I mean she crashes a rink, and pretends she is there with Johnny Weir, but clearly she is alone, and just being an idiot.  She get’s kicked off the ice.  Fabulous.

Satan and Countless are having dinner.  Satan is gossiping about Kelly, and Countless is being a puppet.  Satan has the brilliant idea that she will surprise the girls, and show up in St. John, unannounced.  Countless goes from telling her not to do it, to telling her it’s a great idea.  I am even more certain Jill should be off the show.

Back at the villa, it’s time for dinner, and Bethenny has prepared a gourmet meal for the group.  Kelly walks in, and is on her cell phone with her kids.  Ramona asks her to step into another room to take the call, Kelly loses her mind, and yells at Ramona.  Ramona invited her on the trip, and she is yelling at her.  She then makes a crack about Bethenny being cook, again, and so it goes on.

Kelly refuses to sit across from Bethenny, and insists that she be moved to another seat.  She tells everyone that Bethenny is psychotic, and they need to beware.  Poor Bethenny is trying to stay clear of the drama, she is keeping her mouth shut, but Kelly can’t let it go. She is making digs at Bethenny every second, and it’s weird.

First course comes out, and everyone eats it but Kelly, who thinks the food is not that great.  Ramona does a very sweet and classy thing, by telling the waiter to not take Kelly’s plate into the kitchen with a full crab cake on it, because she does not want Bethenny to think someone did not like it.  Sonja, my favorite, says she will eat it, because she loved it, and agreed with Ramona.

The main dish comes out, and Sonja says the dinner is 5 star, and she knows 5 star.  Kelly tells her to stop living in the past, and focus on today.  Then she starts raising her voice, and the nervous breakdown is kicking into full swing. Ramona says she is hurt she has not gotten a call from Satan to say she hopes the trip is going well. 

Kelly says she has spoken to Jill, and rather than tell them that she calls her every five minutes to complain and cry, she tells them all Jill wants to talk about, is how Bethenny is.  She is cutting everyone off, won’t listen, talks over anyone speaking, and tells everyone to zip it.  It’s has gone from entertaining, to disturbing.

Ramona says she wants to apologize to Bethenny for the time they were on the Brooklyn bridge.  She wants a moment, and Kelly is being crazy, talking over her.  It’s heartbreaking to watch her because she is unaware of what she is saying, or doing.  It’s as if she is high, or drunk, or more probable, listening to voices in her head.

Ramona leaves with Bethenny so they can have a private moment together.  Ramona acknowledges to Bethenny that Kelly is crazy.  Bethenny comes to Kelly’s defense and says she is not well, and it’s not about being mean, but rather about being crazy.  Sonja and Alex are trying to tell Kelly she was being rude, but Kelly is just not getting it.

Kelly says the entire thing is very “Free to be, you and me,  1979.”  She is making so sense.  It’s as if she is schizophrenic, and her other personalities are coming out.  Kelly now turns her attention to Alex, and tells her she has too much pent up anger.  She tells Alex and Sonja, that Bethanny is trying to kill her. She is unraveling.

Every time someone tries to say something, Kelly tells them to “zip it”.  Bethenny and Ramona are back, and Kelly is talking about Alex delivering Bethenny’s message to Jill.  Kelly is ranting, so Alex, Bethenny and Ramona leave the table, and poor Sonja is stuck there with Kelly.  Sonja is trying to help her, but Kelly is too far gone.

Bethenny is thrilled that Kelly is losing it in front of everyone, not just her.  She feels like she has proof now, and everyone can see Kelly has it out for her.  Bethenny is so happy that Alex and Ramona can see it was Kelly all along, and poor Sonja is stuck watching Kelly lose it, all by herself.

Kelly is crying, telling Sonja that Bethenny is saying bad things about her and her kids to the press.  Sonja says she understands, and asks if there is proof, which of course there isn’t.  Sonja is scared, Kelly is crying, Alex, Ramona and Bethenny return.  I am dying to shut the television, but can’t bring myself to do it.  It’s uncomfortable to watch, and by uncomfortable, of course I mean fabulous.

Bethenny tells Kelly to just tell her what is going on.  She says tell me the truth, I can handle the truth.  She then does her A Few Good Men reenactment about being able to handle the truth, and Kelly burst into hysterical cackles saying “Al Sharpton”.  She seems to think that Bethenny is doing an impersonation of Al Sharpton.  Poor girl.

Kelly is now speaking in gibberish, and makes no sense.  Bethenny assures Kelly she has said nothing to the press.  Kelly then says she is leaving.  She takes her phone and runs off, telling them it’s over.  Sonja is explaining to the girls that Kelly is not well, and they are dealing with a crazy person.  Then Kelly comes back with a bag of jellybeans, as if nothing happened.

Kelly is just standing there, eating candy, oblivious.  All the girls are saying she is not well, and are worried about her.  Then Kelly starts up with Bethenny again.  She says her being there, right after her dad died, is creepy.  Ramona tries to tell her she went away when her mom died, but Kelly shuts her up with zip it.

Kelly tells Bethenny she’s been throwing up because she thinks she is going to kill her.  Bethenny starts screaming to Kelly that she is crazy, and needs to go to sleep.  Sonja is yelling to not be mean to Kelly, because she is not well, and Kelly is just standing there, eating candy, and not seeming to get what is happening.

Sonja tells Kelly she is sick, but Kelly insists she is fine.  Sonja reminds her she thinks Bethenny is going to kill her, and she thinks Alex is a vampire.  Bethenny assures Kelly she means her no ill will, and is not trying to hurt her.  Sonja is trying to help and protect her, but then Kelly tells Sonja to zip it.

Ramona says she wants good things for everyone, and Kelly repeats, good things for everyone, good things for everyone.  Then she says thank you to everyone, and sits there as if someone turned off her switch.  It is heartbreaking.  This woman is really in need of some help.  The worse thing that can happen is for Satan to show up, but she’s coming.

This week’s show was fascinating.  We are watching the lives of these women unravel, and it’s not amusing, as much as it is horrific.  I think it’s time to wrap this one up, before something happens that takes it all just too far.  We have New Jersey, and Beverly Hills is coming.  Maybe scrap everyone but Sonja, and start over.

I think after the New York City reunion show, Andy Cohen needs to send these ladies on their way.  I cannot wait until next week with Satan arriving, and everyone pissed off she is there.  There are of course “satchels of gold” still available, mostly through Sonja, so we’ll see what happens.  As for Kelly, the only thing we can do, is wish her well, and hope she can keep the faith.

 

 

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