Posted by Ilana Angel
I write a lot about finding my Beshert and I get plenty of feedback from people sharing their opinions. Men mostly tell me that I am searching for something that does not exist. while women let me know that even though they believe there is a Beshert for everyone, it is reserved for the few and the lucky.
For those of you who think finding your Beshert is an urban myth, it is not. I know this because my friend just found hers. In fact, her being able to locate her Beshert is even more special because they are both in their 50’s. It’s inspiring because once you’ve been around the block a few times you get stuck in a routine and finding someone who can match up with all the grooves you’ve created is very rare.
Over the course of a lifetime there are different types of love. Teenagers experience puppy love. In your 20’s there is a cocky sense of entitlement love. In your 30’s there is a hurry up and happen desperate love. In your 40’s there is a jaded take what you can find love. In your 50’s there is an I will be ok on my own but will open my heart with no agenda love. Harsh descriptions I suppose but we all know that on some level they are accurate. I believe that a Beshert can be found at any of these stages if you allow them to show themselves and are open to seeing them.
50’s love sounds like it would be the easisest one to find but in the end it’s probably the hardest because it is a stage where it is easy to just give up on love because you know you will be ok on your own. My friend “Elaine” is 54 and her boyfriend “Jerry” is 58. Elaine is divorced with a teenage daughter who just went off to college at Sarah Lawrence. Jerry has been married twice, has three kids and the responcibilites that come with those experiences.
Elaine saw him online and decided to take a chance and write because he looked and sounded like someone she should know. She just knew. When he wrote her back however, he thought he had too much on his plate and while he was indeed on an online dating site, it made him question whether or not he was really ready. Even with all that, they agreed to go out and Elaine immediately thought he was gorgeous and quickly developed a crush on him. Their connection made her so nervous that she tried to kill the relationship before it began but by the time she got into full sabotage mode he was completely smitten and wouldn’t let her go.
They have so much in common with their matching views on life, similar neuroses and emotional needs and a series of little coincidences that only make sense to them as a couple that it could not be ignored. It’s as if they were destined to be together. What is that called? BESHERT!
I have known Elaine for years and I love her. She is funny, smart, great at her job and a wonderful mother. She has had her heart broken and I respect her so much for never giving up on the possibility of love. I adore Jerry for not letting her go when she panicked and being brave enough to not allow his baggage to determine where he was going.
Finding your Beshert is possible. Anything is possible. The trick to finding love is keeping your eyes and your heart open. All that is required of you is that you pay attention, not be afraid, never give up and always keep the faith.
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September 10, 2009 | 4:43 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
At what point does one let go of the past in order to have a future? Does the past always linger in the back of the mind or can we release it? Every relationship and experience has value and shapes who we are and has the power to make us stronger and wiser. The thing is that I’m kind of stuck. Let’s have a little public therapy shall we?
I went out for dinner with Mr. X last night. He is very funny, charming and entertaining. He’s a total smart a** and I dig it. He asks a lot of questions and has a lot of opinions about a lot of things. We have a nice banter and while we don’t agree on everything I respect his views and appreciate how he presents them because he makes me think about things from a different angle. His eyes are so blue that when he looks at me I want to dive in and go for a swim. We have crazy physical chemistry and for whatever reason I can’t seem to be able to just relax.
I find myself trusting him in terms of talking about myself but at the same time I am intimidated by him and feel uneasy that I am able to share so freely. I suppose part of it could be related to “Richard the Dick”. I really liked Richard. He was so mellow and calm that it was easy to settle in and feel safe. I’m sure that’s one of the things that his GIRLFRIEND loves about him too. If she had not called me who knows how long it would have gone on. I’m thankful I was a slow mover on that one or it would have been crushing instead of disappointing.
While on paper my last relationship makes no sense, we were together and it was wonderful. None of my friends, his friends or our friends ever understood how we worked but everyone could see the deep love and admiration we had for each other. We never had a fight or exchanged an unkind word. It felt like it was he and I against the world and I was my most beautiful when I was with him because he allowed all the good in me to come out and our connection was on a spiritual plane that I craved but never had before. I was blindsided when our relationship ended and it still makes me question my choices.
At some point none of it needs to matter. I am a great girl. I am a brilliant mother, and a supportive and caring partner. I am funny and kind. I have a great work ethic and a respect for the earth and the people who share it with me. I believe that people are inherently good and will extend my hand to anyone in need. It is time for me to let it all go and believe in myself and my choices again.
When my son was young I was fine being alone because he was my focus and being his mother was all that mattered to me. I want so much to embrace that I am a grown up and a woman and to trust myself again. I have met some wonderful men and I put my guard up in an attempt to protect myself and in the end I am allowing my life to be ruled by fear.
Being single at this stage of life is brutal. The good news is that we are older, wiser and stronger. I am confident and uninhibited and if I can let go of holding onto the past, I will find what I seek and be open to accepting it.
To all the single mothers who read my blog and let me know that they are going through the same feelings and experiences, let’s be brave and believe in ourselves and take chances. We deserve to have it all. I think of you often and your notes to me provide the strength to believe not only in myself but in all of us. At the end of the day it’s time to stop saying and start doing. I’m in the prime of my life and I want to let go so I can hang on and begin to enjoy the ride. It shouldn’t be that hard if I keep the faith.
September 1, 2009 | 4:06 pm
Posted by JewishJournal.com
For an archive of previous posts, please visit jewishjournal.com/askanangel.