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July 3, 2011

The Real Housewives of New York City: Tweeting Twits

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/the_real_housewives_of_new_york_city_tweet_twit_twat_20110703/

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Ew. Ew. Ew.

There are no words to express how embarrassed I am that I watch this show.  It is horrible, some of the cast are mortifying, and story lines are pathetic.  Yet I watch, blog, and secretly love it.  By love it of course I mean it’s crack and I can’t stop watching it.  It took me 4 days to get through this week’s episode.  I started and stopped at least a dozen times which has never happened before.  I love writing about this show, but this week was painful.  It was the first time I wrote because it’s my job, not because I love it.

This week’s show started off with Ramona planning her own birthday party. She is checking out a venue with Kelly and Alex and I already don’t care. These women are not friends so why would they go together?  When they force situations together it’s lame.  Ramona and Alex are wearing ridiculous outfits.  At what point are they going to realize they are too old for mini skirts and hooker boots? Ramona is making her birthday an event for Sonja too.  It will be a joint party, with Sonja’s part being a surprise.

Ramona does not strike me as one who would want to share the spotlight, so this is about showing Sonja how much more Ramona has than her.  She talks about how they are like sisters, which is weird because I think her “sister” is sleeping with her husband.  Ramona is telling Alex and Kelly about how great they both are for giving her such great energy, then lets us know her party will be better than Avery’s.  What?  She is trying to outdo her own child’s party?  Ramona is selfish and it’s not cool.

Cindy is having a party to launch her self-waxing kit and jeweled decals for your private parts.  It’s cute but I think it’s a chick thing and seeing a bow over a man’s penis is not attractive to me.  That’s just me though and I’m sure there are chicks who dig a little crystal with their junk.  We are at the party and the show takes a turn that is odd.  By odd of course I mean disgusting.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I like Jill. She is the most authentic, and allows all her gifts and flaws to show. I totally dig her.

The odd part is when Simon goes to Jill and tells her he is not over their tension and wants to have lunch to discuss it.  Simon is creepy.  He makes my skin crawl and I find watching him uncomfortable.  He is a gay man, married to a woman, who thinks he is one of the housewives.  Sidebar:  If Simon and Alex are still a part of this show next season, I will no longer watch.  I can barely stand to watch it now, so making it through another season with these two losers is simply too much of Bravo to ask of me.  They are pathetic and need to be fired.

Jill says she will meet with him but he then ends the talk by telling her he will tweet her, which we know is not good coming from Simon.  He is horrible on Twitter, mean to everyone, and a pal of Lynn Hudson, who we all know is Satan.  Kelly tells Jill she should not go because it’s weird.  Jill thinks better of it all and tells Simon she does not think they need to meet.  He’s not a housewife and they need to move on.  There is nothing to talk about, all is well, and she is good.  She is lovely and tells Simon she likes Alex very much, and hopes they can move on.

Simon, who is a bloated drunken mess, then tells her to “watch out”.  Does Simon realize he is not a star of this show?  Does Simon get that we don’t care about him and the only reason we care about his wife is so we can talk about how we don’t care about her?  They have got to go.  LuAnn, Kelly and Cindy are telling Jill she did the right thing.  Kelly goes to Simon and tells him he has upset Jill, and asks Alex to help the situation out, but instead of trying to fix the problem, Alex leaves with Simon, who by now is threatening Kelly with tweets.

Honestly, Bravo is scraping the bottom of the barrel in trying to find ways to put this couple in a show that does not need them.  Why must the audience suffer through this crap?  Fire them and we will forgive you.  Keep them much longer and we will bail. Simon and Alex leave the party and stop on the street to talk.  I assume it’s because the crew is refusing to follow their asses up the street so it needs to happen right there.  They are talking to each other because nobody else cares to talk to either of them.  They leave, thank goodness.

Over at Sonja’s, she has called a plumber because her toilet is clogged.  She is a mess. How is it possible she has no money?  Why not sell the house and get something smaller?  Why tell all your problems to complete strangers and in front of the cameras? Sonja shoves her hand down the toilet and digs out a blackberry.  Really? Who drops a blackberry down the toilet and just leaves it there?  The plumber leaves, without getting paid, and she then has a feng shui specialist at the house to help her cleanse the negativity.

There is something we don’t know about her situation.  It will all come out in the end, which is a shame since she clearly does not want us to know.  Sonja seems like a great lady and I think I would like her in real life.  It’s a shame her dirty laundry is out for all to see.  The show now takes another turn I just don’t get.  If Bravo thinks I am going to believe Jill is painting her own apartment, and that the Countess is going to paint in her boots, they have lost their minds.  This is scripted and I’m offended that they think we are so dumb.  I’m not watching.

I cannot comment on anything said during the paint party because I simply do not believe it was anything other than a poorly scripted conversation.  I pass.  Just as the painting ends, and I think I can enjoy the show again, Bravo takes us to Brooklyn.  Dear Lord make this stop.  Simon asks Alex if she’s mad at him for his fight with Jill. Simon could not be any less appealing as a man.  He is behaving like a woman and it’s gross.  Alex has to reassure him her relationship with him is more important than Jill.  I know want to be knocked unconscious.

They are an odd couple and they need to go.  Alex is laughing and I am cringing.  They are sucking the life out of this show.  If there is a petition anywhere to get them canned then let me know because I will sign it, and if there isn’t, there should be.  Ramona’s party has begun and she is excited about her surprise for Sonja. Alex is wearing hideous boots, and Simon looks like a moron.  Ramona is trying to get a greeting line together for Sonja and is yelling at everyone involved.  Our Ramona is not classy, or sober.

Sidebar:  It’s interesting that Ramona insisted Avery invite her and all of her friends to her Sweet 16 birthday party, yet it would appear Avery was not invite to her party.  There was booze at both so that’s not it.  Ramona is jealous of her own daughter.  The artist guy that was painting and banging Sonja is there and kisses her with his arms crossed. Interesting body language.  Ramona confronts Jill to see why she was not invited to her underwear thing, and Jill defuses the situation and fixes it. These chicks are not real friends.

Mario leads Sonja and Ramona into the dancing area of the party and shows them a slide show of them all when they were young.  What was fascinating is that Ramona included Sonja in the party to get her mind off her troubles and show love, yet she includes her wedding picture.  Why show the picture of the one thing now causing her so much pain? It was selfish and mean, but Ramona is selfish and mean so it makes sense.  That said, you’ve got to love Ramona because her meanness is Pinot inspired.  I love sober Ramona, and adore drunken Ramona.

Cindy is having lunch with Ramona and tells her she does not miss having a man in her life.  I like Cindy but she needs to snap out of the mommy bubble because if she is not careful, she will wake up one day, her kids will be grown, and she will be alone because they were her single focus.  Cindy is then having lunch with parents and it’s chaotic and sad.  She puts the baby in a booster, the baby is sitting comfortably, Cindy says she will not sit there and picks her up.  She was sitting nicely, but she felt the need to lift her up.  She is an unsure mother, which is sweet.

She calls her office and gets someone to come and help her, which is sad.  Rather than give the grandparents a chance to comfort the baby, she calls for back up.  I love her parents, I love her, and to be clear, one week with me would whip her into shape.  It’s as if she does not trust herself, which I guess is how we all were with our kids, but she does not have the luxury of being young and learning with each child. She is older, has two, and will not have more, so she needs to fast track her comfort level or she will get really old, really fast.

Kelly invites Alex out for breakfast so she can talk to her about how creepy Simon is.  Alex makes her “I’m confused “ face which translates to an “I’m constipated” face.  Kelly is saying how odd they are and Alex is insisting they are different people and she is not responsible for him.  I love Kelly and think Alex is weird.  We are dealing with a twat, who is married to a twit, who likes to tweet.  Alex is insane if she thinks she is not responsible for what her husband does.  It’s the real housewives Alex, and he is not one.  You are, for now, so you need to rope him in.

Alex is turning red and Kelly tells her to take a breather because her redness is bothering her.  I freaking love Kelly this year.  Kelly calls Simon a pageant dad and says Alex is like his 6 year old daughter.  Awesome.  Alex is confused.  Probably because she is so dumb.  Next week is the filming of LuAnn’s video, and Sonja invites the girls over for some toaster oven crap.  After three days of writing this blog I was certain I was done, but the last 5 minutes sucked me in for another week.  Bravo should reward me by canning Simon and Alex, and keeping it real!

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