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June 14, 2013

The Bachelorette Recap

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I cannot stop watching this show, even though I think it is total crap.  I do not believe it works anymore because people use it to get famous, not find love.  I find that I laugh at it more than I find it interesting and this batch of men is just not that appealing.  Des is a harmless enough girl but she went from naïve and sweet to sophisticated and jaded so fast that it makes me think she faked her way through her season with Sean.

Nothing about this show is real, or even remotely connected to reality, but I watch, and I mock, and get emails from people who await my bitter snark, and so I continue to blog a show that is ridiculous, in order to give my loyal readers something to laugh at while questioning their own sanity for watching.  I don’t know a single person who watches because they love it. We watch because we drink romance flavored Kool Aid. 

Two hours of this show a week makes me want to choke on my own vomit, so rather than watch the entire time and actually pay attention, I am going to take the advice of my most dedicated Bachelor/Bachelorette reader, the fabulous Tim, and skip over all commercials, all Disney references, and all conversations that begin with “This is amazing.”  With these new rules in mind, I am going to race through this crapfest.

The first group date is to play dodge ball.  Really?  This is lame and Mike Fleiss must be high if he thinks this is good television. Des is watching the men seriously try to hurt each other with balls, while wearing work out clothes, and sporting what appear to be freakishly short legs.  She has a hobbit quality to her body when we see it in these clothes.  She is a little disproportioned. Then the men arrive ready for battle.

Dear Lord.  What these men are willing to do for 15 minute of fame, which ultimately lets all of America know they are losers, is fascinating.   Someone breaks a finger and needs to go to the hospital, but I am more interested in the fact that at the dodge ball game Des has straight hair, but in the interviews wearing the same clothes, her hair is curly.  This show sucks, and I am moving from wine to tequila to help me manage.

All the men are invited for drinks after.  Scripted.  Brooks is in the hospital while Des goes for private time with Brad, who has something private to tell her. Just her.  Just her, and America.  He tells her he has a three year old son. Brad is now sexy single dad guy. He talks about an arrest for domestic violence, and a drunken ex, and it is too much baggage.  He went from sexy single dad to wounded single dad and I’m over it.

Everyone is sucking up to Des, and as some guy who is totally forgettable says the word “awesome”, I am jumping ahead.  Brooks has made a miraculous recovery, is totally jacked up on meds, and they make out.  Icky.  There is now a private concert and so, according to my new watching rules from Tim, I am skipping over it.  Cut to Des at home the next day talking about how amazing the date was, and we are skipping again.

Des is talking to Brian, and lets us know he has a girlfriend at home.  Then, with dramatic music thrown in, Brian’s girlfriend Stephanie shows up.  The girlfriend is crying, Brian is denying, and we learn they slept together right up to the time he left for the show.  Wow.  This guy is a pig, his girlfriend is crying with no tears, and lets us know she has a child and he has been in his life.  Blah, blah, blah, I am so incredibly bored.

Brian is going to be kicked out so I can skip over this entire thing.  I am loving Tim right now because I watched the first hour in 16 minutes.  Whoo Hoo! Cut to Brandon who is crying again.  Dear Lord.  Brandon has REALLY got to go home.  By home of course I mean therapy.  Important to note that on all of reality television, only Brandon has real tears.  Bravo to you Brandon. Now go home, you are wounded and broken.

Casey is off on his date but Des is preoccupied by the Brain crap.  They are going to dance on the side of a building and I have now done a shot of tequila to speed up the numbness.  Des says the date is awesome and so we are out! Cut to their cocktail time and a windstorm kicks in, so rather than take cover for safety, they decide to jump in the pool for a wind swim.  Really? The pool is cold, there is shrinkage, he gets a rose.

Time for the next group date and it is cowboy time.  The writers on this show need to start smoking pot so they can get a little more creative.  The date is going to be cowboy stunts, as was done in the new Disney movie The Lone Ranger, and so we are out. Juan Pablo wins the alone time and she is so into him it is hilarious.  He really is divine looking and sexy as hell, so good for her.  Des is becoming a little slutty.

It is group date cocktail time and Des is making out with a lot of people. Bless her.  Soldier boy says she is awesome, so we are out!  Important to note I am loving these new rules.  This is the most fun I’ve had blogging the crapfest ever.  Ever!  Granted, I am a little drunk, but still, I love you Tim. Some guy is talking about his dad and blowing smoke up her ass so I am going to walk away and get myself another drink.

Des cancels the cocktail party and so everyone is now scrambling to get time with her.  She is going to do a pool party instead, then do the rose ceremony. Ben intercepts Des going into the house and takes her for a drive alone.  He is creepy.   All the men hate him, and Des thinks he is fabulous, so he is going down soon.  Des is in a pool with all the guys and tells us it is awesome, so we are out!  Ben is lying and getting caught.

Brandon takes Des aside and lets her know he will never hurt her and he loves her.  Oh. My. God.  He loves her and goes in for a kiss, which is painful to watch.  This guy is going to get stomped on and he has only himself to blame.  That one is going to hurt.   Pool party is over and we are off to the rose ceremony. Important to note that Chris Harrison appearing to announce the final rose of the night always pisses me off.

Dan and Brandon are out.  I have no idea who Dan is, but crybaby Brandon is in shock and unable to understand.  He leaves, Des goes after him and he is, wait for it, crying.  She tells him there was no chemistry and she wanted to spare him, but he is love with her damn it.  I hate this show, but I love my new blogging technique to I will be back next week, with a slightly damaged liver, but still keeping it real.

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