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July 25, 2013

Real Housewives of Orange County RECAP

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/real_housewives_of_orange_county_recap1/

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This show is just not good anymore.  Period.  It is impossible to know who likes who, who is going to stab who in the back, and who is going to have a breakdown.  None of the men in their lives are interesting, and the truth is we no longer care enough to watch with any regularity. Yes I am going to say we, because I hear it all the time from other fans.  We are checking out and this show is on its last leg. Blogging it is painful. It is not fun, and each week it becomes less worthy of my time.

That said, I will finish what I started because I’m a giver.  We begin with Gretchen. She is on the phone with Slade telling him all about the trip to Canada.  She calls him because she has nobody else to call.  I imagine she does not have many friends other than the ones Bravo pays to hang out with her. We are listening to Gretchen recap the show we have already seen.  Dear Lord. Gretchen is talking about Heather being threatened by her as an actress.  I am having my first drink now.

Speaking of Heather, Terry takes her to an empty lot because he wants to sell their house and build a bigger one.  Really?  Rich people are crazy.  They are going to accept an offer on their house for $16,450,000.00. Terry will work less, they will build a new house, and it is important to note that Heather is not into material things.  She is not going to go from 15000 square feet to 17000 square feet because she values things, but because she likes a challenge. Thanks for clarifying that Heather.  What a relief.

Over to Tamra we go to watch her have dinner with Eddie. Fascinating.  By fascinating of course I mean I need electric shock therapy just to stay awake for this show. They are two weeks away from opening their gym. Who cares? Tamra wants to plan their wedding and Eddie could care less. He tells her he does not want to feel pressured.  Really?  He asked her to marry him so where is the pressure? They then do the time-honored tradition of picking a wedding date by pulling June 22 out of their asses.  Mazel Tov.

We are now with Vicki who is puffed up like a marshmallow.  It is an “allergic reaction”.  Okay. Vicki is off to Napa with Brooks to work on her vodka line. For the love of God.  We are now listening to Vicki recap the trip to Canada. The whole show is them talking about the same thing.  Vicki does not need a man, but she wants one. She is fighting with Briana about Brooks. Again. I am now pouring a shot of tequila just to take the edge off. By shot of course I mean I have placed a straw in my bottle of Patron.  For real.

Alexis and Gretchen are having lunch.  Alexis is gorgeous and Gretchen looks skeletal. Alexis cries, Gretchen bitches to the camera about everything Alexis says. Gretchen’s mouth is talking, but her face is not moving, so I need to move on. These chicks are not friends so they need to cut the crap and cut each other loose.  Not sure how this conversation ends because I am skipping over it.  Regardless of what they are saying to each other, all I can hear is blah, blah, blah.  These bitches need to get off of our televisions.

Lydia is hosting her “life group” at her house. It is some kind of bible study where they get together to talk about life and how God helps them. Good idea, love her.  I’m not watching though.  Cut to Vicki in Napa with Brooks. He makes my skin crawl.  He is creepy and truly makes me uncomfortable. They are working on her Vodka line.  Another housewife sucking the life out of her 15 minutes. Vicki says, “All the casinos in Vegas are on board.”  I doubt it.  I love vodka, drink it often, and I am not buying Vicki Vodka.

Alexis is going to LA for an audition.  Now, please remember that Heather is the only actress on this show. Alexis may think she is an actress, but Heather is the only one.  Know it. Alexis meets with Jeff Margolis, who is a successful guy, but I just can’t.  She is ridiculous, he looks like a pervert, and I am skipping over it. Honestly, the second he stuck his tongue out and she started to draw I was laughing too hard to listen.  Do you think these women understand that they are making fools of themselves? Probably not.

Rather than go for the easy jokes in terms of tea bags with Lydia and her mom, I will simply say that these two need to have their own show.  Gretchen has decided that she is going to ask Slade to marry her.  She is going to record a song for him because he loves to hear her sing.  All these years watching and I did not know Slade was deaf. He must read lips because if he loves her singing he is clearly experiencing hearing loss. Then she starts singing and I want to shove hot coals in my ears.  Oh. My. God.

Vicki is out for dinner with Brooks and I wonder why she didn’t bother to brush her hair. I also wonder why she is wearing fake eyelashes, after she said she was allergic.  Vicki asks Brooks about his dating someone else. He denies it.  No dating, no kissing, no giving of money. Brooks is gross and his voice makes me want to vomit but I refuse to give up my tequila.  Vicki tells Brooks Briana is out of town and maybe he can come over and perhaps fill her love tank. Brooks blames Briana for all their problems. Icky.

We are shown commercials for Bravo’s new show. “Eat, Drink, Love”.  I’m not watching.  Vicki tells Brooks he is not making a stand and fighting for them. Vicki is ridiculous, Brooks is not a good egg, and Briana is going to pay the price for her mother being a fool.  Whatever.  Next week Gretchen will ask Slade to marry her, he will say yes, I will vomit.  I’m going to need to double up on my booze for next week because whatever is going in will come back out. Getting drunk is simply required in order to watch and keep it real.

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