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September 30, 2012

Real Housewives of NJ Reunion: Crazy Couch Time

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/real_housewives_of_nj_reunion_crazy_couch_time/

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Photo by Tommy Garcia/Bravo

Dear Lord.  This was a rough hour of television.  There was so much yelling and screaming I could not understand half of what was being said. Important to note, I was the one yelling and screaming.  These women have topped off their dark season with even more darkness and it is not over yet.

The editing is, as it was all season, horrible. They jump around, and thank goodness because it is the only fun part.  When we catch stuff they think we won’t notice, because they think we are dumb, and it is hilarious. We the fans are actually smarter than Bravo editors. Or anyone at Bravo.

Andy, who is useless as a reunion host, says hello to everyone and we are introduced to Kathy’s new nose and lips.  She looks weird.  If it were me, I would have had an eye reduction over a nose job, but that’s just me.  There is enough synthetic hair on stage to burn down Atlanta.

Jac is happy to be at the reunion, since she bailed on the last one.  Teresa says she does not miss Jac and has moved on.  We then get a flashback to the fashion show and why Jac didn’t come to the last reunion.  Caroline is the spokesperson for Jac, and it is annoying as hell.

Andy asks Jac a question, Jac answers, and Caroline talks over her every word.  It is very strange.  Andy says nothing and just lets both conversations happen at the same time.  Jac talks about her “friend” telling her stuff, which is hilarious.  We know Jac has no friends.

I’m thinking maybe the amount of booze Jac is chugging is making her hear voices.  You will notice she is oddly happy yet strangely depressed for the whole show, which, if you mute the show, could be an episode of Intervention. Jac is mumbling to the voices in her head.

Important to note, this is a blog and only my opinion.  I share my view so just add the word “allegedly” in front of anything you think is offensive.  I can hear the rabid Jac fans losing their minds, which I must tell you, makes me a little happy.  Epic losers. Allegedly.

Jac is screaming about crap, Teresa is as cool as a cucumber, Melissa is trying to catch her reflection on Jac’s dress, Kathy is of no interest to anyone, including Andy, and Caroline is oozing bitterness.  Andy has no control over this group and 3 installments are going to be too much.

Andy wants to talk about Ashlee, which is a waste of time.  Sidebar:  Jac seems to cry a lot, but we have not seen a single tear.  She makes horrible sobbing noises, but not one tear.  Ashlee is apparently working and doing great.  We’ve heard that before.  That said, who cares?

Jac is defending her husband’s bankruptcy and Caroline is too hungry to pay attention.   Andy comments on Jac’s compulsive Tweeting and she laughs like it’s cute how into Twitter she is.  Really?  Jac sucks on Twitter, is completely inappropriate, and needs to get into rehab.

Andy wants to talk about Jac’s young son and his Autism diagnosis but I’m not watching.  I feel that Jac is using this heartbreaking news for sympathy and I question her motives.  I appreciate that she can help people by talking about it, but the way in which she does is suspicious.

She breaks into gut wrenching sobs, but there are no tears.  Not one single tear.  Andy asks about Nicolas now, and Caroline answers for her.  Again. We learn this precious boy does not speak and it is heartbreaking.  Shame that her actions have tainted how we view her.

God bless Jac and her beautiful baby.  I wish them nothing but health as they walk this path.  That said, I do not believe that she is as interested in sharing her journey as she would like us to believe.  There are ulterior motives and that I think so is Jac’s fault.

Teresa makes a joke about Nicolas being Audriana’s boyfriend and Jac laughs, then Caroline goes off and Jac becomes offended because Caroline directs her to.  Everyone gangs up on Teresa for trying to make it about her, but it was sweet and she just trying to lift the mood.

There is so much hate in the room that opportunities for lightness are overlooked because nobody can put aside the darkness to see the light. Kathy tries to say something, but seriously, who cares?  We are half way through and I am finishing up drink number three.

Andy is recapping the end of Teresa and Jac’s friendship and it’s painful because we were bored by it all season so why make us sit through more? Jac is accusing, Teresa is denying, Caroline is starving, Kathy is confused, Melissa is again trying to find her reflection.

Jac then swears on her autistic child.  Really?  Not her healthy child, but specifically her autistic child.  I have never sworn on the life of my child and I think it is disgusting. Jac wants us to be supportive of her child’s path, yet she labels him as the autistic one. 

Andy intros a section on Caroline’s kids, but all it is about is Lauren being fat.  Then Lauren is brought in to show off her new lap band thin body. Whatever.  Lauren is not a housewife, she is a mini hag, and she has no place at the reunion.  Caroline admits she is a bitch.

Blah. Blah. Blah.  Caroline lets us know she was a bitch because of menopause. Then says she is not going through menopause, is simply a bitch.  I cannot get into the Manzo family.  They were my favorite in the beginning but they are unwatchable at this point.  Total joy suckers.

Lauren goes off on Teresa’s kids, which is dirty.  Tre’s kids are all really young, Lauren is an adult, and she is crossing a line.  Everyone says Teresa does not write her own blog and it is hilarious.  These chicks need to walk away and embrace that their 15 minutes are over.

There is a bunch of screaming as my son walks into the room, so he sits on the couch, and starts laughing.  Watching someone who does not watch the show, watch the show, is perfection.  He hung out for the final 15 minutes and watching him was best part of the entire hour.

Andy turns his attention to Kathy and I am wondering why. They replay the scene where Rich tells the world his beloved wife tastes like fish, and my kid is pissing himself.  Richie and Kathy are not interesting.  It is time for Snaggletooth and Fishcrotch to go away.

Kathy and Teresa go at it and it’s just ugly.  Teresa and Kathy are fighting about whose husband could pick up more chicks, and both really want heir husbands to win.  Really?  Are they seriously having this conversation?  My husband is a better chick magnet than yours!  Losers.

They are now fighting, saying things that are beyond hurtful.  Kathy calls Teresa’s mother a liar, Teresa is imitating Flavor Flav with a series of “wow”, then gets up and goes to sit next to Caroline because that is better than being on a couch with Kathy.  It’s crazy time.

Caroline actually tries to comfort Teresa and it is very sad.  She puts her hand on Teresa’s lap and it reminds us of how far they have all unraveled. Keeping in mind that I am now hammered, I am actually loving Caroline at this very moment.  It will pass, but she is her old self.

Kathy slams Teresa’s parents, Teresa slams Kathy’s dad, Rosie is screaming she is going to kill Teresa, and everyone else is laughing at the absurdity of it all.  We have another two weeks of this madness, but I’m in.  On behalf of my liver, we are pleased to be keeping it real.

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