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February 4, 2013

Real Housewives of BH: Under the Knife & On the Pole

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/real_housewives_of_beverly_hills_under_the_knife_on_the_pole/

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We pick up with the ladies in Vegas for Brandi’s practice run at her girls night out job.  By ladies of course I mean there a couple of ladies, a couple of hags, and a couple of straight up bitches.  It is so funny to watch the forced interactions of these women.  You can tell who really likes one another and who is there because they are paid to be.

Everyone is taking a shot on the pole and Marisa says it is not sexy.  What is sexy to her is being successful and independent, not relying on a man to support her.  Really?  This chick drops her husband’s family name every two minutes, and has yet to tell us what her job is.  Sidebar: does anyone else think that at certain angles she looks like LeAnn Rimes?

That was mean.  Sorry Marisa.  LeAnn is a disgusting and pathetic excuse for a woman, with a rather unfortunate face, so I apologize.  You are cute.  It’s your hair that is unfortunate.  Back in Beverly Hills Adrienne is out peddling her shoes and handbags, while bashing Brandi for doing her pole-dancing gig. Adrienne Maloof is a bitter undersexed hag who needs servicing.

By servicing of course I mean this woman needs to get laid.  Dear Lord.  She is so uptight just looking at her gets me wound up.  In Vegas, I am starting to really like Yolanda.  She is fun and supportive of her friendships, which I dig in a woman.  Lisa is hilarious.  As funny and fabulous as Lisa is, Kyle is as annoying and repulsive.  I do not dig Ms. Kyle Richards.

Marisa tries to get on the pole but it is not happening for her.  Bless her. Kyle is so jealous of Brandi and her body that it is fantastic to watch her turn green with envy.  Kyle is a bitch and Camille is useless here.  She quit so she needs to just go away and stop showing up.   Important to note: I have had a crappy day and am taking it out on these chicks.

In the car after the pole lesson, Kyle gets a scripted call from Kim, who tells her she is getting a nose job.  That this call is on speaker is ridiculous, but the look on Kyle’s face that her sister made a huge decision without sharing it with her is perfection.  Kyle has no relationship with her sister and we all know it.  We all like her sister more, which embarrasses her.

Now everyone knows Kim is going under the knife.  Interesting choice for someone so newly sober, as she will need painkillers, but whatever.  Yolanda seems genuinely concerned and says she thinks going under the knife is dangerous and she is not supportive.  Is she not supportive of Kim doing it or anyone doing it?  She has clearly done it herself so I’m a little confused.

Kim is at the surgeon with her assistant. I’m guessing sober companion is a better title, but none of my business.  Kim Richards is weird.  That said, she really is lovely at her core.  She is a quirky woman and I can’t help but like her. She is silly and childlike, but I think inherently kind and authentic. Unlike her house stealing, jealous, fame whore sister Kyle.

Adrienne is with her fake husband Paul at laser hair removal.   Adrienne is mean and hideous.  Kim is out of surgery and the first thing she talks about with the doctor is pain medicine.  Sad.  Kyle says she wishes she could have been there for Kim when she got out of surgery.  Translation:  She wishes she had known so she could have more camera time.

Back in Vegas the girls are together for one last night.  Everyone is dolled up and looking fabulous.  Marisa is dropping names again and it is sad.  She talks about Babs then Kyle disses Babs, which is simply unacceptable.  Kyle is an ignorant troll and she has crossed the line.  No one, and I mean no one, talks bad about Ms. Barbra Streisand you idiot.

The dinner starts with Kyle babbling, and a commercial for the Four Seasons.  Jennifer Gimenez is at dinner as a friend of Brandi and I love her. She is sober, an addiction specialist, and a kind hearted soul who should be around more often.  I love Jen, hate Kyle, and am bored with a conversation about a woman who is not there and cannot participate.

Camille says she feels bad Adrienne is not there.  Here we go.  Why even bring it up Camille?  Do these chicks get paid extra to stick to the script?  Jennifer backs up what Adrienne has been saying to Brandi.  It is all coming out.  Brandi is sticking to her guns.  By guns of course I mean the truth.  Camille is being a baby and she leaves because she got caught.

Camille leaves in a tiff and Kyle runs after her to bring her back.  Anything for camera time with this chick.  Camille is back, Lisa wants clarity, Brandi wants the truth, and Camille wants to be invisible while stirring the pot.  Brandi says Adrienne only owns 2% of The Palms and Kyle thinks that is mean.  Dear Lord I wish they would fire Kyle.

Everyone knows who owns what.  Camille defends Adrienne and says Lisa does not even own SUR.  How old are these chicks?  Camille needs to shut up. Yolanda points out that it is not Kyle’s job to defend Adrienne, then calls out Kyle for creating drama.  It is official: I love Yolanda. She is a rock star.  Kyle needs to stop talking and get her jaw filed down.

Yolanda is out as her hubs sent a private jet for her and a few of the women decided to leave early with her.  Lisa is a class act who points out that the silence of your friends hurts more than the words of your enemies.  Amen sister.  Camille tells Brandi she put her on the spot and sulks off like a two year old.  I am so over Vegas.  Time to go home ladies.

Kyle goes to visit Kim and it is lame.  They are awkward and I can hardly stand to watch them together.  The only thing I can do is have another glass of wine.  Listening to Kyle talk about how Kim could be fine one day and slip the next makes me want to punch her.  I would never punch her of course. She might accidently trip down some stairs though.  Kidding.

Lisa is with Ken in the garden telling him about the trip while Kyle is telling Kim the same story.  We clearly see Lisa is right and Kyle is wrong.  By wrong of course I mean she is a useless tart and nothing she says on this show matters to anyone but her.  I’m bored.  Next week will bring some fireworks so get your wine ready as we see who is keeping it real.

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