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November 4, 2013

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Premiere Recap

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How excited are we that these ladies are back?!?!?  It is going to be a great season because these women know how to deliver, and when they don’t, we always Brandi Glanville to entertain us.  It is going to be catty, mean, funny, dark, eye rolling, oh no she didn’t, what a bitch fun and I for one am excited. We all have our favorites and it will be interesting to see how it plays out. Buckle up people because we’ve got two new ladies and it is on. Here we go!

To clarify, I am friends with Brandi Glanville, and our friendship does not change how I write my blog. I will comment on her in the same way I do with all the women. Additionally, I met Kim Richards recently and I adore her. She is kind, gentle, fragile, and lovely. I also met Yolanda Foster, who is gorgeous and great, but I have a job to do and I will write my recaps as only I can. It will be honest, and it may get harsh, but it will fabulous and real.

We start with Yolanda who is overseeing the modeling career of her daughter Gigi. They are both gorgeous and when Yolanda says that Gigi is a much better version of her, I think it is lovely.  We saw a harsher side of her parenting last year, and she is still pushing her, but she is soft and cute now.  She touches briefly on her being ill with Lymes Disease and it will be sad to see how that all plays out for her this season.

We jump to Brandi who is getting a new house with the help of her realtor/boyfriend JR.  Brandi met JR at Kyle’s white party last year and I am not a fan of mixing business with pleasure so that relationship might come back to bite her in the ass.  He is cute, and she is balls to the wall.  Brandi lets us know they have a lot of sex, we know he has met her kids, and we know that he is a grown man living in an apartment.  The house is great.

Off to Lisa, she is rehearsing for Dancing With The Stars with her partner Gleb, who is gorgeous. Lisa looks great but I hope we don’t have an entire season of her dancing.  It wasn’t great on DWTS so we don’t need to see it all again. Time for Kyle. Ugh.  She is my least favorite housewife.  I’m not sure why, but she bugs me.  Maybe it is because she is an evil and conniving bitch who goes out of her way to hurt her sister? Maybe.

She is at her store doing a shameless plug, while featuring a hideous pink jacket.  The Beverly Hills Chamber of Commerce comes by to get her to join and she has no clue what the chamber is or what it does.  Bless her. She’s dumb. Kyle points out that she was born in Beverly Hills, which she was not. She was born in Hollywood. Kyle is still at odds with Lisa and wants to patch things up. Translation: she wants more camera time.

Brandi is out shopping with Yolanda for her new house.  She is shopping with someone much richer than her, which is not going to be fun. She also points out that she got rid of all the furniture she had while she was married to Eddie Cibrian.  By Eddie Cibrian of course I mean the Douchelord who is now married to a skanky whore. Cut to Kyle, Lisa has come over. The scripted stuff bores me. As if Kyle would have Lisa’s SUR cater her Chamber of Commerce party.  Hilarious.  This is going to be bad. Whoo Hoo!

Kyle says she is over Yolanda because she is a liar and she does not do liars. Really?  Kyle lied about stealing her sister’s house, and her husband cheating, so it is a little pathetic to call out lying. We jump back and forth to Yolanda and Brandi, and Yolanda is not interested in attending Kyle’s party. I hate when they go back and forth between two different conversations.  Lisa talks about the tabloids and calls Kyle out for talking smack.

Kyle insists she did not say anything about Lisa.  Right. She also asks about Mauricio cheating, who happens to conveniently walk in. Lisa makes a joke, Kyle gets pissed, and I am distracted by the truly ugly necklace Kyle is wearing. Over to Kim, she is hanging out with her dog Kingsley and it is hilarious.  He is a giant and going to be a superstar.  Kim’s kids are all growing up and leaving home. I feel for her and want her dog.

Back at Kyle’s, the SUR staff is there to set up for the party.  They are dirty. I get that they are doing a RHOBH/Vanderpump Rules crossover, but I don’t care about the young, dirty people so this is a bit of a drag.  Lisa and Ken arrive and great everyone, including Schaena.  Really? This girl is an idiot and famous for being an idiot, so why is she here?  I’m not a fan. I am not going to watch or blog about Vanderpump Rules. Yuck.

Kyle says it is an exciting night for her because she is a businesswoman and being in the Chamber of Commerce, which she does not understand, is a big deal. Oy vey. Kyle thinks Lisa is intimidated by Yolanda. Or maybe Lisa doesn’t give a shit and Kyle is pissed that Lisa won’t pick a side?  Kyle is a liar, and a mean girl, and a baby. Plus her dress is too small for her. Kim arrives along with new chick Carlton and her husband David.

Brandi and Yolanda arrive and I wonder why the housewives were invited at all. It is a business party and only Lisa has a business in Beverly Hills. Stupid. The second new girl Joyce and her husband Michael arrive.  Wow. She is really pretty and Mauricio is totally checking her out. Creepy. Carlton’s kids are named Cross, Destiny, and Mystery, which seems to be fascinating to everyone. Beautiful names, but who cares?

Kyle is talking smack about Lisa to Joyce and it is gross. Kyle is a hag. Truly. Lisa is talking to Kyle and it is sad because Lisa needs to walk away from that trash. Cut to Brandi and Kim in the kitchen and Schaena, the whore, comes in and Brandi talks nicely to her, which is weird.  I would not talk to her.  She talks about her having a wonky tooth and it is hilarious. Schaena starts crying and I am laughing my ass off. Schaena is a moron.

The transition is happening from RHOBH to Vanderpump Rules and I am out. These people make no sense to me.  They are childish and just not cute.  I mean physically they are super cute, but in terms of their personalities and behavior, they are not cute.  I am done.  The housewives of Beverly Hills are perfect TV.  We will love them, hate them, feel invested, and not care. They are reality TV gold I will be watching, blogging, and keeping it real.

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