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March 18, 2013

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills High School

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We are back in Beverly Hills and I must tell you that this show frustrates me and I find myself getting angry as I watch, which I don’t think is the goal of television.  Even really bad reality television.  The bitterness of Adrienne Maloof and the smell of crap that floats out of my television whenever Faye Resnick is on, is becoming too much.  There are moments of greatness with Lisa and Brandi so I stick it out, but between the hags and the Richards sisters, this show is more for mocking than enjoying.  For real.

We start with Lisa who is preparing for her house warming/vow renewal. Her house is magnificent and I often fantasize about stealing her dog Giggy. Sidebar: I find it interesting that Lisa uses a Blackberry and not an iPhone. She is having Brandi over while Adrienne has a party to hock vodka.  I think Adrienne Maloof is a hag. By hag of course I mean a bitter and nasty troll who sucks the joy out of every room she enters. She’ll probably want to sue me now. Adrienne you can ask Brandi for my address. For real.

Brandi arrives to Lisa’s for a massage and she looks insane.  Who is really that tall and thin?  Whatever.  They talk about Adrienne’s party and how both of them are happy to not be going.  Lisa was invited, and Brandi was not, but both agree she is a fame whore who is always trying to sell something.  The consensus is that Adrienne is just not a happy person. Cut to Paul wondering around his own home as if he’s a guest.  That marriage was fake and we all know it.  Adrienne knows it. How did he last so long?

Adrienne humiliates her husband in front of everyone, treating him like an annoying child, not the man she shares a home with.  She made him look like a loser for years so it will be interesting to see how he reinvents himself now that he is out from under her thumb.  Over at the massage, it is odd that Brandi and Lisa are having massages by only one masseuse.  He appears to be going back and forth between them and that is just weird. That said, their friendship is fun and I’m glad they have each other for support.

Adrienne’s party is cheap and tacky, much like her clothes.  Camille is there and I am rolling my eyes because who cares about her?  Marisa is there scoping out men and Kyle arrives in desperate need of a bra.  Yolanda is looking elegant and classy as she watches in amazement as the girls do shots and tie one on. Marisa talks about a text she got from Brandi telling her to cheat on her husband, and he can cheat on her, so it is fair.  Everyone talks about what a great marriage Marisa has and I wonder, are they high?

Marisa appears to have a horrible marriage.  She constantly humiliates her husband and speaks of other men in a way that is uncomfortable.  She is not sure if Brandi is inviting herself to a threesome, but rather than ask Brandi about it, she reads the text to the entire group and invites a Brandi bashing. The talk is about Brandi’s failed marriage and threesomes when Yolanda steps in and tells her she should talk to Brandi, not the group.  Marisa thinks Brandi has the hots for Dean and I am laughing.  Not gonna happen.

Kyle says Brandi would never sleep with a married man, based on her history, cut to Faye Resnick who says Brandi had sex in the bathroom at Kyle’s white party.  Faye Resnick is a whore.  By whore, of course I mean a whore.  She is ignorant, repulsive, hideous, dirty, skanky, mentally deficient, and in my opinion, as smart as an animal that eats their own shit. I do not understand why she is on this show when so many watchers have expressed their hatred of her.  She is a parasite and she is ruining this show for everyone.

Adrienne tells the group Brandi has thrown them all under the bus and Yolanda is not standing for it.  She tells them to stop and they do.  By stop of course I mean they break off into smaller groups and keep talking about the same thing.  Camille and Marisa are blowing smoke up Adrienne’s ass, while Yolanda tells Kyle that the girls need to grow up and talk to each other, not just about each other.  Paul dresses up as a tree and Adrienne calls him pathetic and an attention whore. Yeah, they’re happy.

Lisa announces that Adrienne and Paul said they are getting separated. Nobody who knows them can be even remotely surprised.  Lisa’s home is getting ready for the house warming/vow renewal.  The house is looking fabulous as Kevin Lee works his magic.  Brandi is on her way to the party with her pal Jennifer.  Brandi admits she is not surprised, and wonders if it is a publicity stunt.  Adrienne is too dumb to make up something like that. Kyle is shocked while complaining about being famous.  Such a troll.

Brandi tells Jennifer about the things Marisa said at Adrienne’s party.  She heard from Yolanda, who is proving to be fabulous.  Brandi wants to give her the benefit of the doubt but trust is broken and it is going to go down.  Only in Beverly Hills do you drive up a pink carpet to a party.  Everyone is arriving and the festivities are about to begin.  Lisa is at the door greeting everyone and I think it is lovely. Kyle wants to gossip the second she arrives we are reminded that Kyle is a complete and total loser.  For real.

Mauricio figures out they are renewing their vows and craps all over the day by saying how odd it is to celebrate a marriage when one is ending.  Really? Mauricio is a tool.  Adrienne is feeding stories to a gossip site, Brandi knows, and it is ridiculous.  The talk of the party is Adrienne and Paul and I think it is rude.  They can’t possibly care this much.  Everyone blames Brandi for putting stress on Adrienne’s marriage forgetting that we watched this marriage end long before Brandi joined the cast.  Dumbasses.

David Foster’s ex-wife Linda comes as a guest of Taylor and it is just too much.  Why the hell would husband killer invite her?  I am telling you people, I cannot wait for Taylor and Adrienne to be gone.  Now if we can knock off the Richards sisters we will be in business.  A girl can dream.  Cut to Marisa kissing up to Kyle.  Faye arrives and I am about done.  There is simply no way Lisa invited her.  No way.  Yolanda calls Marisa over to out her gossiping in front of Brandi. Marisa tries to backpedal and Yolanda is not having it.

Yolanda calls out Marisa for lying and Marisa is scrambling.  She admits she wants to have sex with a man right there, not her husband, and I am loving me some Yolanda Foster.  Bravo.  Marisa, Brandi and Yolanda are getting heated and everyone notices and wants to be a part of it because it means camera time.  Kyle says she does not want to get involved, and Faye the wretched whore, says we have to go over there.  Important to note that she is wearing a dress that is way too young for her old lady ass.

Faye goes up to the table and Brandi tells her she is not involved in it and she can go.  Faye responds by telling Brandi she is involved with everything. Really?  I’d like my shoe to get involved with your ass Faye. Faye asks Brandi why she doesn’t act like a lady. Faye tells Yolanda she is being led down a road by a bad girl and she wants to protect her. Yolanda lets her know she can handle herself.  Yolanda then asks Faye to leave and she won’t go.  Then all 59 minutes are worthwhile because Brandi is television perfection.

Brandi tells the camera that Faye walks over, puts her dick on the table, and wants to talk.  Hilarious.  Faye is a tucker and bless Brandi for keeping it real.  Faye Resnick is a pig and only wishes she was as beautiful, funny, charming, and fabulous as Brandi Glanville.  For real.  Faye then says that Brandi is to blame for ruining Adrienne’s marriage.That’s enough for everyone. Marisa tells her she is wrong while Brandi and Yolanda walk away. The rest will be revealed next week on the season finale.

We will not only get the season finale, but we will get part one of the reunion. I love the good girls, Lisa, Brandi, Yolanda, enough to stick around through the crap with the bad girls, Kyle, Kim, Taylor, Adrienne. Faye is a piece of garbage and Camille is irrelevant so they don’t matter.  It will be interesting to see what happens next week, who will come back next season, and how much Bravo will listen to the people who make them money. Bravo needs to pay attention because we are the ones keeping it real.

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