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July 14, 2013

Princesses Long Island – Dumb and Dumber

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It is hard to know who the dumbest is of this bunch, but bless them, they are all really dumb.  I don’t care what their jobs are, what their education is, or whether or not they live at home, this has got to be the dumbest group of women on television.  It is simply mind boggling that this show is on, and even more fascinating that we are watching.  By we, of course I mean me.  I get paid to write about reality television, but this is pushing it, even for me. I will finish out the season, but there is no way I will do another one. 

That people are watching this show and thinking it is how all Jewish women are, pisses me off.  By pisses me off of course I mean I am drinking. Tonight I am joined by Captain Morgan, who is generously sponsoring all of my typos this evening.  Thank you Captain.  We start off with Erica, Amanda, and Joey working out together.  They run for a second, then stop to gossip.  Amanda has one of her drink hankies on her water bottle and I am laughing.  To clarify, I am laughing at her.  Erica is clearly constipated.

Joey tells the girls about her falling out with Ashlee at the speed dating party and Amanda and Erica throw Ashlee under the bus by telling Joey she is talking smack about her.  Joey cries because Ashlee called her a bad person.  Really?  You are not a bad person Joey.  You are a bitch, and an idiot, and a fame whore, and a loser, but bless your heart, you are not a bad person.  Important to note that I am being totally sarcastic and you are in fact a bad person.  You are inherently mean, just like Bethenny.

Joey says she always takes the high road.  Really?  If there is a high road in hell.  She tells the girls she is going to meet with Ashlee to talk it through. Blah. Blah. Blah.  Cut to Chanel, who is meeting with her Rabbi. Love the Rabbi, but I am not digging Chanel like I did in the beginning.  She is out of control with the whining and the crying.  I think she’s not completely honest, using the show to reinvent herself, and not true to her religious self. Sidebar: Her clothes make me question her level of observance.

She is clearly struggling with her behavior on the show in terms of her faith, but she is losing that struggle and coming across badly. She is crying to the Rabbi about not having a man. For the love of God, enough already.  You’ll meet a man Chanel, but you better check yourself because with each episode you are making that harder. Cut to Erica and Rob who are house hunting so they can live together.  Really? Erica does not love him, is cheating with other men, has a drinking problem, and Rob should run.

Listening to Erica talk about having a baby makes me want to stick pins in my eyes.  Shut up Erica.  Shut up. We jump to Amanda and Jeff, who are having a meal with his parents.  They are adorable.  Amanda does not know how to pronounce knish, bless her, and proceeds to order a turkey sandwich with Swiss, at a kosher deli.  Moron.  The mom is wearing the grandmother’s ring, with the implication Jeff is going to propose and it is sweet.  I think they will get married, live happily ever after, and share a hot pool boy.

Important to note that everyone on this show chews with their mouth full and it makes me sick.  Where are the table manners?  Over to Chanel, she is looking at Maid of Honor dresses at home with her entire family.  The guy who owns the dress shop is an Israeli guy who is interested in Chanel, so he is making a house call.  I like this family, but I think they are more kosher than Modern Orthodox. I actually feel bad even saying it, but there is something off about the level of observance they are selling.

The dress guy comes and ick.  Chanel is inappropriate.  She makes fun of religion, tries too hard to be funny, and is simply silly.  Dress guy asks her out on a date and she says yes.  That is never going to work out.  Cut to Ashlee who is having Casey over for dinner with her parents.  She does not know how to set a table, and her father is sweet, but creepy in terms of his daughter.  It is all quite odd.  Ashlee is useless in the kitchen, and presumably the bedroom, so finding a husband might be a stretch.

Casey is continuing her girl crush on Ashlee and comes for dinner.  She talks about “dick sizes” in front of the parents and it is rude.  Casey gets mad at me for calling her names on Twitter, and I have apologized, but the facts are what they are.  She is very pretty, but totally unappealing.  She does not like to be called stupid, and I said I wouldn’t call her stupid again.  Luckily I have had so much to drink while watching the shit fest that when biting my tongue it does not hurt because it is numb.  We’re off to the beach.

Erica and Amanda are at the beach. Erica says it is time for the eagle to fly the coop.  Really?  Dear Lord, what a bunch of morons.  I am skipping over the beach scene.  They are talking about their respective relationships and I just can’t. Time for Chanel’s date and her sister drops her off in Brooklyn. Really?  She couldn’t drive herself? She is wearing a bra under a see through shirt.  Modern Orthodox?  Right. It is her first date and she is going to him? In hooker shoes?  They are eating and I could care less.

Chanel is wearing an insane amount of make up, their date is awkward, and I am cringing. Her date is a bit of a pig who believes the woman should cook and clean. Chanel is not into it, probably because she does not know how to cook and clean.  The numbness of my tongue has now spread to my gums.  He invites her up to see his apartment, then tells her she is moody.  Chanel checks out of the date and I am wondering if her sister is coming to get her. I really hate this show.  Hate it.  These girls are horrible.

Amanda is talking to her mother about getting married to Jeff, and Babs is not into it.   Babs does not think they are ready to get married, Amanda says she is jealous, Babs is concerned since they have only been dating six months and need time to get to know each other properly. The girl is 27 years old and her mother tells her she cannot get engaged. Who are these people? I’m with Babs in terms of her advise, but the advise to a woman Amanda’s age is just weird.  Funny how Casey cannot pronounce the word weird.

Ashlee and Joey meet for a drink.  Joey is a bitch, and Ashlee is harmless, so aggression seems misguided.  Joey calls out Ashlee for saying such horrible things about her, and Ashlee tells Joey she thinks she is mean. Joey does not know what she has done to be called mean, and Ashlee does not understand how Joey does not know she is mean.  They are now arguing about who said what, comebacks, and it is insane.  Joey is high school, Ashlee is back peddling, and they are now having a serious fight.  Shameful.

Joey tells Ashlee she is funny, Ashlee agrees she is funny, Joey calls her funny looking.  Meeting over.  Ashlee leaves and immediately calls her dad, while Joey calls Amanda.  Ashlee is offended to have her looks brought into it, and Joey is laughing to Amanda about putting her foot in her mouth. Joey follows Ashlee out and approaches her to talk, but Ashlee tells her to get away from her. Joey complains to Amanda that she handled it wrong, then goes out into the street and calls Ashlee two faced.  Ugh.

Joey calls Amanda back and starts crying because she is not a bad person. Newsflash, yes you are.  Joey is a mean girl and it shows.  This show is truly horrible.  There are not enough cute moments to make the bad moments worth watching. In the teaser for next week we will get to see Chanel cry about her younger sister getting married first.  Oy vey.  Chanel was the reason I kept watching, but with each week she is a little less sweet and entertaining. My saying so is just keeping it real.

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