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September 6, 2011

My Love Affair with Bachelor Pad Continues

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/my_love_affair_with_bachelor_pad_continues_20110906/

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Dumb and Dumber

The end is getting near and the only good thing about saying goodbye to Bachelor Pad will be saying hello to Dancing With the Stars.  I seriously love this show and it has been the best reality television of the summer.  I have been enjoying Big Brother but even Vienna, who is as annoying as hell, is more entertaining than whining Rachel over in the Big Brother House.

This week everyone picks a partner because they will be voted off in pairs. Not random pairs as it has been up to now, but you will get the boot with your partner.  All the established couples are together so that leaves poor Erica with Blake, who nobody can stand, so they will be out. The competition is based on The Newlywed Game and it’s going to be hilarious.

They are all scrambling to get to know each other, except for Vienna and Casey who are convinced they will win because they are so in love.  I don’t get how these two are still on the show.  Are the others just so dumb they don’t get it?  Or is this just a classic case of scripted unscripted reality television?  I actually believe they are all just dumb.

It’s time for “The Nearlywed Game” with your host, Chris Harrison.  Finally Chris is useful.  Not at all entertaining, but at least he has something to do. The first place couple will win a date outside of the house, as well as roses to keep them safe through the elimination.  Listening to Michelle tell us how the games works is annoying.  Her voice grates on my nerves.

The questions are funny, but the answers are hysterical. Erica lets us know she is kind of a slut and will have sex after 3 dates, while Vienna wants us to believe that she needs 22 dates before she gets naked.  Really?  Does she not realize we’ve seen how she operates?  If Vienna can prove she ever went 22 dates without sex, then I will give her a million dollars.

Casey and Vienna are getting nothing right and it’s too funny.  The one couple you would think is going to nail it, tanks.  Casey says if he could be any animal, he’d be a rabbit.  What the hell?  Is it a sexual reference to the greatest invention of modern time?  He is very creepy.  He also says the thing Vienna’s exes miss about her the most, are her teeth.

Let’s just take a moment to ponder this one.  Of all the things this man thinks are great about his girlfriend, the one single thing that everyone who has been with her misses the most are her teeth?  If we were thinking earlier that this show is scripted, perhaps we were wrong.  These simply may be the dumbest people in America.  As for Vienna, she thought it was her boobs.

The game takes a turn when Chris starts asking about who everyone would want to make out with, and it gets dark turn when Blake and Holly answer that they both want to bang each other.  By dark of course I mean they change the music for dramatic effect.  It’s awesome how they use music on this show.  By awesome of course I mean lame. Blake knows he’s out.

Vienna and Casey are losing in an epic way.  Graham and Michelle have devised a plan to answer a certain way for each type of question, and while their answers don’t always make sense, it’s working.  Graham says he lost his virginity at 7.  Everyone is disgusted and then realizes it’s their strategy when Michelle guesses he lost his virginity at 7.

They are all so pleased with themselves that they cracked Graham and Michelle’s code.  Really?  It took them the entire game but they all think they are brilliant.  These are very attractive and very stupid people.  It’s on to the final question and while Erica and Blake almost save themselves, Graham and Michelle win and get the date outside of the house.

Holly is flirting with Blake, which is making Mike crazy.  Poor Mike. He’s is a loser, bless his heart.  He is pissed off at Blake, but not at all annoyed with Holly.  As Erica points out to him, Blake is a douchelord, but Holly was his girlfriend and he should be mad at her, not him.  Fascinating that Erica is the smartest person in the house.  How scary is that little fact?

Michelle and Graham are heading out on helicopter for their date.  Michelle is a little but crazy but I like her this season, and I like her with Graham.  I dig them together for some season and am glad they are getting the date. Michelle is smoking hot and while she seems quite smitten, and he is falling for he, I think there is still some crazy in her waiting to come out.

Listening to Blake and Michelle describe their date has a very Bachelor/Bachelorette vibe and the producers are trying to get us to think they will be the love affair of the show.  I’m not sure I’m buying it just yet, but bless them for trying to manipulate us into thinking love can be found in the hell hole known as Bachelor Pad.  I freaking love this show.

Back at the house, Vienna and Casey and breaking down and while I know it’s wrong to say, I love watching it happen.  Casey is the creepiest guy they’ve ever had on this franchise and while Vienna is a fame whore to be sure, she is harmless. Casey on the other hand, is scary.  We find out Vienna passed on sex and so Casey took back his lame promise ring.  No sex, no ring!

They are having a huge fight about sex and his speech impediment makes it impossible to take what he is saying seriously.  Casey wants to get laid, which makes sense since they are a couple, but she does not want to have sex in the house.  Are we supposed to think they have not had sex since they’ve been in the house? Vienna explains “no means no”, and I can’t stop laughing.

She is so dramatic.  That she would so publicly air the sexual confusion in their relationship, when she already knows we think she is a whack job, proves that she is simply not well.  That she continues to find herself on television is interesting, and that she thinks that on any level she keeps getting invited back because America likes her, is delusional.

I’m skipping over Michelle and Graham’s date because it’s boring.  She is beautiful, he is adorable, and I wish them well.  Blah, blah, bah.  As the second place winners, Blake and Erica get a date too.  They are headed out for a romantic date, which is hilarious because there could not be any less romance between these two.  Holly is jealous and Mike wants to kill himself.

Erica is the voice of reason on this show, and Holly is the house whore.  Erica is going to seduce Blake, which makes me a little nauseous.  She is talking to him in the kitchen and Holly walks around in her bikini.  Holly is a snake and I don’t like her.  She is convinced she knows Blake in a way the others don’t. Turns out Holly is both a whore and a complete moron.

Erica thinks Blake is warming up to her and she wants to have sex with him, but in her seduction tells him she talks to dead people.  Way to close the deal Erica!  She is throwing herself at Blake and while pathetic, I cannot get enough.  The twist on their date is that they get two roses, and they get to save another couple in the house, just not themselves.  Excellent twist!

Blake and Erica think if they pick the right couple they can be saved.  Not going to happen, but cute that they think so.  Back at the house, Michael and Holly are once again boring the crap out of me.  He is professing his love for her while she tells him what he wants to hear, all the while thinking about Blake naked.  These two need to wrap it up and move on.  Enough already.

Erica is on Blake like white on rice.  Her seduction is in full force and my skin is crawling off of my body.  She is telling him she is DTF and he wants nothing to do with her.  He is so diplomatic and working so hard to not hurt her feelings, but even he is not sleazy enough to bang Erica.  He says it’s all strategy, but it’s really about him simply not wanting to see Erica naked.

Blake wants to go back to the house, but Erica is not giving up.  She tells him they need to have sex, and bond as partners.  Erica sluts it up full force and I think it’s fabulous.  Holly whore is crying about Michael and how he broke her heart.  Did I miss something?  Didn’t she break off their engagement?  I think she is remembering the end of their relationship backwards.

Erica is bordering on begging Blake to sleep with her.  She is flat out saying that she needs to get laid, he’s the one, and they are going to do it.  I love how ballsy she is, but he is not having it.  He is worried if he spends the night with her they will think he is a pig.  Seriously?  Everyone thought you were a pig before you went out with Erica.  Blake is a loser on a Bentley scale.

In the morning Erica and Blake need to decide who gets the safety roses they were given.  If they give the roses to Vienna and Casey then they deserve to go home for being so stupid.  They talk to Kirk and Ella, and Vienna and Casey to see if they should give them the roses.  Ella and Kirk are certain that they should get the roses and they will save Blake and Erica.

Vienna and Casey tell them that if they are saved, they will save them and they will go to the finals with them.  Casey is making all kinds of promises that he cannot keep.  Casey is insane.  Seriously.  The fact that he is with Vienna is the first clue, but every single time he speaks there is more proof. Blake and Erica give the roses to Casey and Vienna, which I will never get.

Ella is crying because she thinks she is going home.  She is desperate for the money and sad she may be out.  Casey has a God complex and it’s disturbing.  Ella is whining which is unfortunate.  I like her but the whining and single mom crap is getting old.  You need the money.  We get it.  Stop crying about it and start working on getting the votes to stay.

Harrison is back explain to us how it all works, which we know.  I don’t know why he bothers me so much, but he does.  Everyone is scrambling making sure that they are safe and Blake is certain Casey and Vienna will save them. Meanwhile, Vienna wants Ella out because she thinks she will get sympathy votes and does not want to go up against Ella.  Could Blake be safe?

Come on people, there is no way Ella is going home.  Michael is going to get Blake out of that house if it kills him.  Speaking of which, Blake and Holly are making out on the couch and Michael walks by and sees it.  Someone needs to put Mike out of his misery.  By his misery of course I mean ours.  Watching him pine over Whore Holly is getting old and I’m so over it.

Michael tells Holly she can make the decision on their behalf and it’s up to her who goes home.  She is the tie breaking vote so she can save Blake or not. Does she keep a guy who is playing the game and could care less about her, or break the heart of the man who broke hers after she broke his?  The dramatic pauses on this episode are painful.  I need this week to be done.

Blake and Erica are sent home, as we knew they would be when the show started.  I want Ella and Kirk to win the money, and Michelle and Graham to win love.  I could care less what happens to Holly and Michael, and I could care even less than that about Casey and Vienna.  Holly is lame and gives Blake a note to read in the car on the way out of Bachelor Pad.

Holly tells him she misses him and it’s stupid.  Next week is the finale and I cannot wait.  We will be reunited with all the people from the house and I can’t wait to see Ames.  I seriously hope Ella and Kirk win, and that Casey and Vienna don’t make it to the final two.  This show makes me want to impale myself and I will really miss it, so until next week, keep it real.

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