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July 15, 2013

Loser Real Housewives of Orange County

http://www.jewishjournal.com/blog/item/loser_real_housewives_of_orange_county/

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We are still in Canada with the losers, and as a proud Canadian, I am mortified that this bunch of screaming banshees is polluting glorious Whistler with their toxic screeching.  Lauri, who should not be anywhere near this group, told everyone Vicki had a threesome, and all hell has broken loose because now Vicki knows.  For the love of God, we are 1 minute in and I have done a shot, and am nursing a margarita.  Tonight’s typos are sponsored by Jose Cuervo.  Pour a drink because here we go.

Vicki vehemently denies ever having had a threesome, and while I don’t know if she did or not, the more important question is, who cares?  She is so insanely wound up that taking a trip to the wild side would probably be beneficial, so good for her.  Alexis stops by Lydia’s room to thank Jesus for the fight not including her, then Lauri stops by to see if she is still invited to dinner, since Vicki uninvited her.  On behalf of everyone who watches this show, I am uninviting her also. Lauri is a moronic fame whore.

She is there because she needs money, and an axe to grind.  Bravo is bad. Very, very bad. Everyone arrives for dinner.  By dinner of course I mean a commercial for the Four Seasons Whistler.  Now that Vicki has been dumped by Brooks, everyone wants to fix her up with anything wearing pants, and it is weird.  Canadian men are fabulous, and not quite dumb enough to date Vicki’s level of crazy.  Vicki says she does not need help and has it all under control.  She tells the girls she knows what matters.

Love, happiness, good people around her, and sex.  Really?  She is pissed Lauri is talking about her sex life, yet she wants to talk about sex? They bring up Brooks and Vicki says the sex was great.  Lauri is not believing it, Vicki tells Lauri to shut up, and the fight moves from the slopes to the dinner table.  Lauri’s face has caved in from too much surgery, and perhaps too many activities that involve putting your face up against hard things. Bless her.  Lauri is talking in code, Vicki is calling her a liar, I am on shot #2.

They are now talking about Gretchen and Jeff and I am rolling my eyes.  It was YEARS ago, so who cares? That these women are talking about stuff that happened so long ago the booze has erased it from the memories of the viewers,  is confusing to watch it now.  Gretchen is a bitter and stupid fool.  Lauri is desperate for money, and I just don’t think that Vicki should have to defend herself against all this old bullshit.  Important to note that Gretchen has no grasp of English.  She’s a tool and I am bored.

Vicki says they need to move on, Lauri brings up the letter from George’s ex mother-in-law, from SEVEN YEARS AGO, and we are being forced to watch garbage.  Lauri came back with a vendetta and I am embarrassed for Bravo that they are even showing this to us.  Lauri is hideous.  Vicki leaves, rightfully so, and Gretchen is with Tamra, asking why she is friends with Vicki again. Oh. My. God. How old are these losers?  Gretchen is so immature I can hardly stand to listen to her.  Wait! I don’t have to.  Fast forward!

I am skipping over Tamra and Gretchen being high school idiots.  Hang on… they are talking about Malibu Country again.  Gretchen says she was offered a role and poor Heather is not there to insist that she is the ONLY actress on the show.  I hate these chicks.  For real.  Cut to the morning and they are going snowmobiling.  Best day ever.  Everyone is carrying their expensive handbags and I find them all to be offensive.  The car ride is awkward and we are forced to watch fake women with fake friendships.

They are riding, Vicki is an expert, and the first one to wipe out.  It truly looks like a perfect day and it is wasted on these freaks.  They need to pee, so they drop their pants and pee in the snow.  Mortifying.  Not that they peed, but that they were acting like 12 year old boys.  They have a snowball fight, which Lydia calls “Canadian Magic”, and everyone is making up. Crapfest. Lauri and Vicki shake hands, then Vicki tells the camera Lauri is filthy and disgusting.  As my pal @MintedRoyalty says, Oy to the vey!

Tamra calls Heather, so she can have camera time to tell us she is an actress.  Tamra tells her that Gretchen is mad at her for implying she was not offered a part.  Tamra tells Heather that Gretchen is a liar, Heather agrees, and the only thing that really matters is that we all understand that Heather is an actress.  They are all going out for dinner for their last night in Canada.  I LOVE Canada and Canadians.  They have a cold vodka room, which causes the hags to screech, and I want to cut myself.

Tamra is telling everyone that Vicki is horny, Vicki is mortified, but lets us know she loves sex.  Who are these people?  Why are they on TV? Why are we watching?  Back in the OC, Heather comes back from her ACTING job. She tells us the camera about her shows, several times, and I want to vomit. I would but I am not wasting this buzz as I still have 20 minutes left to watch. Back in Canada, they are going in the vodka room, there is screeching, and I am going to take a shot of vodka to join in.

Tamra puts her tongue on the ice and it get stuck. Tamra’s tongue is bleeding, Alexis thinks it was God’s will, and the screeching is just too much.  Tamra calls Terry to discuss her medical emergency. Tamra tells Heather it would not have happened if she was there, and Heather apologizes for being a working actress.  I hate this show.  Did I say that already?  Hate it. Terry is talking to Heather about what a great actress she is.  Not sure I can blog this show anymore.  I may be drunk, but I’m keeping it real.

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