Jewish Journal


April 20, 2012

Celebrity Apprentice – Lisa Loves Dayana!



Stuffed and Unstrung

This show is getting better each week.  It started out great, had a few slow weeks, and is now getting exciting.  It still does not need to be 2 hours long, but it’s getting good.  I’m ready for it to be over, but I’m in it, will stick it out to the end, and am enjoying watching Lisa Lampanelli humiliate herself, and Aubrey’s Botox distort her face each week.  So good.

This week’s task is to do a puppet show with the Stuffed and Unstrung improve troupe.  Important to note that one of the judges is Patrick Bristow from Stuffed and Unstrung.  In the interest of full disclosure, I know Patrick.  By know him of course I mean love him.  He is married to my darling friend Andy, who I write about often.  He is a delicious man.

Sidebar:  I want to let you know that the Stuffed and Unstrung show is brilliant, and if you get a chance to see it while it’s on tour, or in NYC, you simply must.  Patrick is a genius, the cast is wonderful, the puppets are delicious, and the show is fabulous.  It’s very exciting to see my friend on the show and I know he is going to do great.  Bravo Patrick!

Teresa gives her winnings to her charity and it’s sweet.  It’s worth it to sit through two hours to see charities get money.  By worth it of course I mean for the charity, not for those watching.  Two hours is painful.  Lisa is PM for her team and Paul Sr. is leading his.  Clay swaps teams so we are now Arsenio, Paul Sr., Teresa and Aubrey vs. Penn, Clay, Dayana and Lisa.

Lisa immediately starts the attack on Dayana.  She simply hates Dayana because she is beautiful.  Lisa is a cold, bitter, bitch who is ugly inside and so Dayana is her kryptonite.  She hates her and that hate is all about jealously. It’s hilarious to watch.  Sad for Dayana but really great television for us. Rather than try to hide her hatred, Lisa thrives off of it.

Lisa immediately lets everyone know she is the greatest improve performer in the history of mankind.  Dayana tells the team she has been studying improv for a year and a half and she would like to be one of the puppeteers and the character would be a funny Latina.  Lisa is pissed off that Dayana thinks she can do what she does.  Lisa is a lunatic.

Over with Aubrey, she is convinced she is the only talented one on her team, and knows she needs to lay low because everyone hates her and she is not a team player.  The ego on this chick is fascinating.  She appears to have no talent, yet she thinks she is the greatest thing ever.  She is either medicated or perhaps just delusional and rather dumb.

Teresa is adorable.  She is not pretentious or stuck up, just real, honest, and uncomplicated.  She is working hard and I dig her here.  Paul is sweet but useless on this task, and Aubrey is trying to be a team leader but careful not to overstep her place.  She is still leading though.  She is “suggesting” everything to Paul and he is in over his head so he just lets her.

Lisa is going to do everything she can to keep Dayana out of the task.  She is hateful.  She then decides she and Clay will be the puppeteers and the best part is that Lisa’s puppet is going to be a Latina.  Lisa is going to be a Latina puppet rather than Dayana?  Dayana then does an impression of Lisa and it is the most perfect moment of the night.

The teams need to design their puppets and it really looks like a fun task. Penn and Dayana are designing puppets on their team.  Lisa is sure to tell Dayana that she needs her puppet to be really pretty.  She then lets the camera know, in her best condescending tone, that Dayana is getting busy work because she is useless.  Lisa is a nut job.

Paul is in over his head, clearly going to get fired, and so he is setting Teresa up as the weakest link early.  Aubrey is talking on and on and on and on.  I zone her out now.  She says nothing of interest and her voice is based in her nose so I can’t stand to listen to her talk.  I think Lisa and Aubrey are horrific, but certainly good train wrecks.

Teresa, Arsenio, Lisa and Clay get lessons in puppeteering and it’s hilarious. Teresa is great television. She is just cute, and watching the mother of four struggle to remember a nursery rhyme is hilarious.  Aubrey is going to be the host/MC for her team, and Penn will take it on for his.  Dayana has no role other than sewing some eyes on a puppet and she is pissed.

That said, her puppet is gorgeous and the Stuffed and Unstrung puppet makers are in awe of her workmanship.  Eric comes by to check on the team and he can feel the tension from Dayana.  He pushes Dayana to sell her team out, but she won’t because she is a lady.  Lisa is a pig and Dayana is a lady. By pig of course I mean bitch.  I don’t want to be mean to pigs.

They are practicing with the puppets and I’m skipping over it.  Two hours is brutal so if I miss something great here, oh well.  I will say that in the few minutes of rehearsal I watched, I thought Lisa sucked and Teresa rocked. Aubrey is trying to embarrass Teresa and say it will be on her shoulders to win the task, but at the end of the day Teresa rocks and Aubrey sucks.

Clay suggests Dayana help with the puppets and Lisa looses her mind.  She does not want Dayana anywhere near the puppets.  Dayana tries to share that she is not really doing anything, but Lisa goes off.  Lisa gets mad and starts crying.  She is talking about how she does this every night and Dayana is a useless pain in the ass.  Lisa once again does all the work.

She is screaming at Dayana to shut up, stop being a baby, and telling her she’s useless.  Dayana walks off crying, which makes her look even more beautiful.  I am loving Dayana a little more every week.  Back in the dressing room Lisa is now having a nervous breakdown.  She is crying, hysterical, and telling Penn and Clay they need to support her not Dayana.

Lisa is saying she needs back up, and while she is being a lunatic Penn gets up and walks out. Penn is a gentle giant and I love him.  He goes to check on Dayana and listens to her but it’s just weird.  This girl is getting beaten down by a bitter hag and nobody has anyone’s back.  It’s time for the puppet show and I imagine there is more crying to come.

Lisa is okay as a puppet, but Clay is fabulous.  I still think Clay is bitchy, but he is getting better.  Lisa is not as talented as she thinks she is, and her talking about how she has been doing this job for years is getting old.  Its the other teams turn and Aubrey wants us to think she is keeping the team alive, and Arsenio thinks there is a country called Norwegia.

If Clay and Teresa had been on the same team it would have been the best puppet show ever.  Teresa is adorable, but Aubrey wants us to thinks she sucked.  Paul has done nothing on this task and he is going home.  This show is just too predictable to go for 2 hours.  I’m actually a little bored and annoyed which is a drag. Aubrey makes me want to hit her.

I have no idea which team did the better show, but I do know that the sun revolves around the earth because of Aubrey, and beautiful people are dumb, thanks to Lisa.  I also know that Patrick Bristow is divine, puppets are fun, and Lisa Lampanelli is a mean girl who is probably in love with Dayana and since she knows she will be rejected, she is attacking her.

That’s it!  Lisa is in love with Dayana!  It all makes perfect sense now.  She is mean to her because she loves her.  Her outburst are not driven by hate, but rather love.  It makes Lisa almost likable that she is tormented by her desire for Dayana.  By almost of course I mean not at all.  Lisa is a troll, Dayana is a goddess and that is simply never happening.

In the boardroom Dayana tries to be gracious in how she speaks of Lisa, but Lisa immediately throws Dayana under the bus..  Trump asks Lisa who she will bring back into the boardroom if they lose and she bursts into tears. Again.  She is rambling about being a comedian, and that she does not want to be a villain.  Really?  She sucks and is mean.

Lisa says if they lose she may bring just herself in because as a comedian, on a challenge to make people laugh, the failure would be hers.  Penn is talking about being a comedian and I totally dig him.  Lisa is embarrassing herself, ruining her hardcore image, and needs to start drinking so she can numb the pain of her love for Dayana not having a shot in hell.

Lisa’s team wins and Dayana is once again a lady in congratulating her team leader.  I may actually be in love with Dayana too.  In the boardroom Teresa and Paul are going at it.  He thinks she was the weakest link, she thinks he did nothing.  Paul is blaming Teresa for everything and she is not standing for it.  She is going to go Teresa on his ass if needed.

Aubrey and Arsenio refuse to pick someone to be fired, but both lean towards firing Teresa without saying to fire her.  Lame.  They are all so afraid of a table flip they won’t say they like Paul more.  Paul is going, we knew it the minute he threw his back out, so they should have just gotten behind Teresa.  I like ithat she is fighting for herself.

Aubrey immediately lets Trump know everyone loves her and there is no way she should be in the boardroom.  It’s hard to listen to the banter because it’s so predictable.  Paul is not going to attack Teresa, there are no fireworks, just a feeling of finally get there already! Maybe next week Lisa will let Dayana know she loves her.  That would be keeping it real!

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