September 6, 2011 | 12:59 am

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are Back and Completely Disgusting

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Russell Armstrong

I watched the premier tonight thinking that perhaps they would be classy and handle the suicide of Russell Armstrong with respect and dignity. Instead it was a disgusting display from a bunch of fame whores.  I watched the entire show, but I am not going to do my regular recap, and I am not going to write about this show again.

I think this show is a perfect example of what can go wrong when you do a reality television show.  This man took his own life, and his estranged wife is talking about how they are working on their marriage?  Then the bevy of botoxed women, who could have cared less about this man when he was alive, are fake crying at his loss of life?

I think it is disgusting that Bravo opted to show this series so close to Mr. Armstrong’s passing and they should be ashamed of themselves that they put money ahead of his three young children.  I understand that it is a business, but this just does not feel right, and I believe the worst of it is still to come in Beverly Hills.

In seeing the trailer of what is coming up this season, the passing of Russell Armstrong is just the beginning of the self-destruction.  The fighting and tension is not train wreck fun, it is cringe worthy, and I will watch with one eye closed.  These women are going to implode and knowing that we will all be watching it happen is sad.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills should be cancelled because there is more pain and suffering coming.  Bravo needs to do the right thing and walk away.  These women need to do the right thing for their kids and walk away. No amount of money can be worth it.  Will the death of Russell be in vain, or will someone start keeping it real?

September 3, 2011 | 10:57 am

Why Chaz Bono Just Might Win Dancing With The Stars

Posted by Ilana Angel

Chaz Bono

I love watching Dancing With The Stars.  It is entertaining, mindless fun, plus Tom Bergeron is brilliant.  I could do without the judges most of the time, but with the help of my remote, I look forward to this show each year and the excitement begins with the announcement of the cast.

The cast this season has some people I think will be fun to watch, and some that I hope suffer a broken foot before the show gets started.  The single most newsworthy participant at this early stage of the press onslaught is Chaz Bono, son of the legendary Sonny and Cher.

Yes, you read that correctly, I read son.  Chaz Bono is a transgender American.  He is a man who was born in a woman’s body, and has gone through a long, painful and difficult medical transition to give him the body that he should have always had.  It’s really not a big deal.

I am embarrassed by the backlash this casting choice has caused.  There are Christian based groups calling for all Christians to boycott the show until Chaz is pulled off.  They are upset that now their kids cannot watch the show because Chaz has made it not family friendly TV.

These same groups are saying that Carson Kressley, another contestant, who is openly gay, should be replaced.  I’ve got news for the people who are calling for the boycott, look around your church and I can guarantee you that you are looking at all kinds of gay.

Chaz Bono is brave and while I don’t know him, I like him.  He has a voice that needs to be heard and by his dancing, whether he speaks a word or not, allows his voice to be heard loud and clear.  The only thing these crazy Christian groups have done is guarantee he gets my vote.

I will vote for Chaz Bono for his bravery.  Even if he sucks in the beginning, I am going to continue to vote for him until he gets his dancing legs and gets better.  I want him to dance his ass off, get healthy, and become a smoking hot guy by the end of the season.  Praise Jesus.

The only thing these crazy people have done is increase the chances of Chaz getting to the finals.  I was going to vote for him regardless, but now I’m going to vote a few more times, just to piss off these losers.  They are an embarrassment to not only me, but to God.

Whatever faith you follow, no matter what you call your God, and no matter what level of observance you are, God does not like hate, intolerance, or crazy people saying that they know what he wants, what he likes, and what he thinks will stop people from seeing him in heaven.

I wish Chaz Bono much success on the show, and hope it is a joyous experience for him.  Instead of boycotting DWTS, I am boycotting crazy Christian groups who think they know what God wants.  God loves everyone. Know that.  God is good, and I’m just keeping it real.

** I will be guest hosting the Keeping It Real Radio Show on Monday, September 5th,  at 4:00 PST and 7:00 EST, so listen on the radio or online, and call in if you’d like to chat.  It will be a fun hour of talking about anything, and everything. 

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August 30, 2011 | 1:32 am

Bachelor Pad:  Melissa Needs a Bunny & a Stove, Not a Rose

Posted by Ilana Angel

Bunny Boiling Melissa

It’s Monday night and that means it’s Bachelor Pad night.  Let the blogging begin!  We start off with Jake getting the boot, which we knew was coming, but still, you have to wonder how dumb these people are that they do not vote off Casey and Vienna.  The power couples always need to go first.

To clarify, we don’t really need to wonder about how dumb they are because we know.  They are dumber than rocks, which is mean if you’re a rock.  Jake makes a lame speech about how they made a mistake, and need to vote out the couples.  It’s was stupid, but Jake is stupid so it made sense.

He then apologizes to Vienna, but does not clarify what he is sorry for.  Is he sorry for asking her to marry him when he is gay?  Jake is sweet, but a liar. In his limo ride home he says making peace with Vienna was the reason he came on the show.  Of course it was you reality television fame whore.

Time for the kissing contest challenge, and I am ready with a bucket next to the couch for my puke, and I’m opening a bottle of wine, which I will drink with a straw so I keep typing, which is just sad.  Michelle refuses to participate so she can set a good example for her daughter.  Really?  Too late Sweetie.

Everyone is kissing everyone else and it’s nauseating.  I’m kinda skipping over it because it’s just too painful, but here are a couple of things worth mentioning:  Blake is a disgusting pig, Holly is a whore, Erica is hilarious, Melissa is gross, and Ella is beautiful and my pick to win.

The contest made me sad for Michael.  It’s hilarious everyone was surprised Casey had bad breath.  Seriously? He kisses skank all day so what were they expecting?  Ella wins for the girls and Blake for the guys.  Each of them gets a rose and a romantic date.

Ella goes first and picks Kirk for her date.  I actually love these two together and I want them to win.  They head out and we are left listening to Melissa.  This chick is a freaking loon and I expect her to start cooking a rabbit on the stove at any moment.  She is mentally unstable.

She is talking to Blake about how great their date is going to be, but he has no plans to pick her.  He is scared of her and it’s brilliant.  There is no way this chick passed a psychological exam to be on this show.  Bentley looks like a saint compared to Blake, who is a douchelord.

I am watching Ella and Kirk on their date and I want them to not only win, but get married, have a baby and live happily ever after.  They just match and I want them to be in love.  They won’t of course, but I will hope for it until the very end.  Stranger things have happened so there is hope.

Back at the house Erica is hitting on Blake and I am once again puking, which is a waste of really good wine.  Important to note it’s not Erica that makes me sick, it’s Blake. Erica is entertaining and harmless, but Blake is a pig and I want all his teeth to fall out while he is talking.

Blake gets his date card and he chooses to dump Melissa, ignore Erica, and takes Holly.  Holly says yes because she is a stupid whore, and while it’s sad to see Mike’s reaction, I am laughing my ass off, as Melissa demands an explanation, then runs out of the room in search of a bunny.

Michelle wants to be supportive but Melissa is dumb and can’t hear the support through her own sobbing.  How is it that Michelle is the calm voice here?  She is a loon and we all know she is going to snap at some point.  Blake comes to talk to Melissa and she is convinced she can get him out.

Melissa talks smack about Blake to everyone and she is mixing yogurt as she speaks and even the way she stirs the yogurt is crazy.  She’s a little scary.  She keeps looking directly into the camera which is creepy and fabulous.  She is running around looking for Blake.  Dear Lord.

Melissa is passive aggressive and if she spoke to everyone like she speaks to the camera she might of had a shot.  LOL.  As if.  She never had a shot.  She finds Blake who says he needs to brush his teeth for another 40 seconds and she stands there like a complete loser waiting. 

Blake and Hollywhore fly to Mammoth.  She is talking about how she has never had such a great date, ever.  Does she not realize when she talks to the camera Mike will see it?  She is mean and dumb.  Mike is a mess, especially when he sees they are spending the night away.

Hollywhore and Blake get back and Mike professes his love for her.  He is spilling his heart to her and she lies and says she thought about him a lot when she was away.  Skank.  She tells him she kissed Blake and he is pissed. These people are children and I’m over Holly’s crying.

It’s about to be the rose ceremony and everyone is deciding who to vote off.  Rather than vote of Vienna and Casey, which is what smart people would do, they are torn between Erica, Melissa, William and Casey.  Melissa cannot handle the pressure and has a nervous breakdown.

Casey says he needs the win or his grandmother will die.  What the hell is that?  William is going because everyone is too dumb to vote off Casey. Melissa is running around like the crazy person she is, demanding that people tell her if they are voting for her.  She needs to be medicated.

Speaking of medicated, is it just me or does she look like she is a crystal meth addict?  I watch Intervention and she’s got the look.  Mike and Holly have a little date, but she is selfish and needs to dump him for good and stop playing games with his heart.  She’s not nice.

Watching Melissa lose her mind is oddly entertaining. Sad to be sure, but still, really entertaining.  William gets kicked off, which we knew already, then Melissa.  Poor crystal meth Melissa has been dumped.  Again.  She is so distraught she can’t even give a good bye speech in the limo.

She is in the car having an ugly cry, and Michelle speaks on her behalf.  In the car, Melissa turns her back to the camera and goes into the fetal position.  This show is brutal and I feel for Melissa, but if you are going to go on this show, you must be ready, willing, and able to keep it real.

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August 29, 2011 | 9:54 pm

Dancing With the Stars:  So Much For the A-Lister Idea

Posted by Ilana Angel

The latest cast of Dancing With the Stars has been revealed and it’s not great.  I love this show and always look forward to hearing who is going to give it a try, but this cast is hilarious if you consider all the hoopla they talked about in getting A-listers.

There is not an A-lister in the bunch, but it does not matter.  We watch the ones we love with excitement, and like to make fun of the ones who we think are lame, and there will be a lot to make fun of this season. That is the glory of Dancing With The Stars.

Ron Artest:  This is going to be the wild card of the show and by wild card of course I mean the most entertaining.  We love Ron here in LA and I know he will make tuning in worthwhile.

David Arquette:  I want him to do well, and he is the guy I am most pulling for.  I hope it’s fun for him and that he gets joy out of it.  He seems sweet and a little lost and I want him to be good.

Chaz Bono:  This one is interesting.  This is a brave and thoughtful man and I hope he is respected and not seen as a freak show. Good for him and I hope he does well and gets healthy.

Elisabetta Canalis:  Dear Lord.  This only would have made sense if she were still dating my boyfriend George and there was a shot in hell that he might come to watch her.  She is not a star.

Kristin Cavallari:  Oh. My. God.  I don’t get why this chick is famous.  She should marry Rob Kardashian and get lost.  I want her to sprain her ankle and not even make it to the first show.

Nancy Grace:  I love her and it will be interesting to see how she looks in a ball gown with such big balls.  I think she is lovely, but hard-core, and I hope she stays true to that on the show.

Rob Kardashian:  Are they kidding?  I am starting to pray right now that he is the first one voted off.  I am over the Kardashian clan and the only one that would have been interesting is Khloe.

Carson Kressley:  I am a fan of this guy.  He is funny and charming and I want very much for him to do well.  He will be entertaining so twinkle toes or not, he will get some votes from me.

Ricki Lake:  She is arguable the only real “star” of the bunch and I like her. She danced her ass off in hairspray and I hope she kills it.  She is likeable and a mom, so good for her.  Go Ricki.

J.R. Martinez:  He is a fan favorite before he steps foot on the dance floor. He is a hero and every vote for him is a vote for America and that is a powerful thing.  I’m happy here’s on the show.

Chynna Phillips:  She was famous a long time ago, for a short time, and I figure she begged to be on the show, rather than them reaching out to her.  Good for her I guess.  She will go fast.

Hope Solo:  She is an amazing athlete and I get why she is here.  Maybe this can help people remember her for being a good dancer not the girl that sank the dreams of women’s soccer.

The best part of this show each season is Tom Bergeron and I look forward to seeing him.  He is the best live host on television and this show cannot end before he wins an Emmy for it.

It will be a great season even though the cast is more lame than fame.  I will be watching, blogging, loving, and hating.  Season 13 of DWTS will be addictive, and I will be keeping it real.

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August 28, 2011 | 8:59 pm

Jersey Shore: The Great Wall of Florence

Posted by Ilana Angel

Mike vs. The Great Wall

I was looking forward to Jersey Shore’s special Sunday episode and in the end was a little disappointed.  I have been over Ronnie and Sam forever and this episode put me over the edge.  As I watched I was actually praying her head would explode.  By her head exploding, of course I mean I wished someone would knock her out so she would just shut up.

We see the big fight between Mike and Ronnie and while we all thought Ronnie knocked him out, he actually knocked himself out.  He pounded his own head into a concrete wall.  The poor old guy lost his mind and knocked himself out for a second.  We’ve all heard of the Great Wall of China, but did you know there was a Great Wall of Florence?

Mike is on the floor and Sammi is screaming and her voice makes my skin crawl.  Mike and Ronnie go at it again, the crew jumps in to break them up and Sammi is still talking.  Why can’t this girl just shut the F*&^ up?  She keeps talking, everyone is begging her to stop, but she just keeps on talking. Why MTV does not fire her ass is beyond me.

Pauly was joking, but right on when he said the reason Mike threw himself into the Great Wall of Florence, was because he was trying to kill himself so he didn’t have to listen to Sammi and Ronnie anymore.  It’s a valid reason.  An ambulance is called and Mike is taken to the hospital to make sure he is not hurt.  In the end all the fight hype was lame.

Jenny goes to talk to Ron and Sammi is pissed because she thinks she is the only one who can understand him or help him.  Jenny is begging her to go and Sammi is still talking.  I can’t stand Sammi and I seriously think this chick needs help, and by help of course I mean sent home.  Jenny has become the grown up of the group and she is my new favorite.

Ronnie tells Sammi that he loves her, but being with her is toxic.  He is trying to be apologetic but she is obsessed with who he has been talking to. What am I missing here?  They were broken up for months so did she think he was home waiting for her?  Sammi is not only a bitch, but she is dumb.  By dumb of course I mean really, really stupid.

Sam storms off because she is done, for the millionth time, and Ronnie packs to go home.  Again.  Vinny talks to Ron and tells him he should not go home. Vinny is the Dr. Phil of Jersey Shore according to Ronnie and in the end Dr. Vinny wins and Ronnie decides that he should stay, ride it all out, and not give up his opportunity to be in Italy.

Mike is kept overnight for observation and sent home.  He takes a cab home and crawls into bed with his sprained neck and slight head trauma.  Ronnie tells him he is sorry and did not mean what he said.  Really?  He meant every word that he said.  The merry-go-round of words and apologies on this show is ridiculous.  They are drowning in there own crap.

Ronnie gets up and leaves the house to spend the day alone.  He goes to the gym and then out to eat.  Then, with what I am sure is absolutely no scripting, Vinny, Jenny, Deena and Pauly happen to walk into the exact same restaurant to eat as Ronnie.  Seriously, what are the odds of that happening? You have got to laugh and love it all.

They are all talking about how he needs to dump Sammi for good and it’s sad. Sad that he can’t let her go, and sad that we are watching.  Snooki and Jenny get flowers from their men at home and listening to Snooki talk to Jionni is hilarious.  She cracks me up and their conversation is like listening to a whore talk to a priest about sex, and it’s quite cute.

Mike is home alone and crying.  He feels abandoned and sad that everyone went out and left him alone.  It’s nice to see him so vulnerable and it’s the first time that he is appealing.  His appeal lasted about 10 seconds.  He is a pig.  Sammi takes all of the things Ronnie gave her and put them on his bed. Ron finds it and throws it all in the trash.

Sam gave them back, he threw them out, and she is pissed.  She says she was mature by returning it, but throwing it out is going too far.  She takes all the stuff out of the garbage and keeps it. She makes me sick and in the end maybe these two losers deserve each other.  Mike and Ronnie make up, I guess, since they talk without listening.

The girls go out for dinner and I think it’s funny that they are out at a Mexican restaurant in Florence.  The guys go out too and leave Mike home. The boys go to a club and of course there is drama.  Pauly is dancing with a girl, some guy is pissed about it, and Ronnie is with a grenade.  Pauly walks away from the fight and Ronnie dumps the grenade.

Snooks tells Mike she is still mad at him, but wants him to know she loves him and is glad he is okay.  Snook’s blonde streaks make her look like she is balding and Mike thinks she and her boyfriend are not meant for each other. Leaving the club, Ronnie buys flowers for Sammi, which makes no sense at all. He hates her, but buys her flowers?  Whatever.

He gives her the flowers and they fight yet again.  Sammi wants to know why he bought the flowers, why he is mean to her, and why he is ignoring her.  It’s gross.  He then takes back the flowers, throws them in the garbage, and she is once again pulling stuff from the trash.  This special bonus episode was lame and I hope Thursday goes back to keeping it real.

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August 26, 2011 | 8:42 am

Jersey Shore: Lesbians + Steroids + Fists = a Situation in Italy

Posted by Ilana Angel

A hit from this guy is going to hurt.

This week starts with the Situation sending his whore home, immediately followed by Vinny sending his whore, the identical twin to Mike’s whore, home.  Vinny’s whore made out with Deena, then did Vinny, so it’s completely understandable that she stumbled out of the house and almost fell down the stairs.  These guys are classy, just like their women.

The boys go out to eat and it’s when you see the four boys together that you realize Mike is not that good looking.  On his own there is a cuteness to him, but with the other guys, he just looks like the old, less attractive one.  All the girls go out to eat also and they are talking about Mike’s accusations about Snooki, and Deena’s temporary lesbianism.

When everyone is home, Sunday dinner is being prepared and there is all kinds of crap going on.  The boys are making fun of Deena for her trip to Lesbieville, and she is pissed off.  Snooki is calling her boyfriend to tell him about what Mike is telling everyone.  I love Snooki and think she is the best part of this show, but I think she may be lying.  Snooki slept with Mike.  Ew.

Jionni tells Snooks he believes her, everything is fine, and he will be in Italy to see her in 3 weeks.  The girls get dressed up with huge hats and lots of boobs and it’s hilarious.  Jenny is truly a beautiful girl.  Dinner is on and nobody is talking, until Mike breaks the ice and starts talking about Deena stealing the girl from Vinny.  Mike is a crap disturber.

Vinny says Deena should not steal chicks from him because he might like the girl.  Really?  Is he kidding?  These guys don’t like women.  They like sex and putting notches on their belts.  It is what it is, we all watch and dig it, so don’t start with the crap about liking girls Vinny.  Not buying it.  Dinner is over and Pauly and Vinny want to punish Deena a little.

They take Deena’s bed out of their room and put it in the living room.  Deena is crushed, Jenny jumps to her defense, and the guys say they are just kidding.  Deena is having a little nervous breakdown and Jenny is not having it.  She tells the boys they are mean and go gets Deena and forces everyone to talk about it, so there is no tension in the house.

I love Jenny.  Deena tells Pauly he is different now and Pauly says it’s her that has changed.  I love Pauly too.  He explains himself well and Deena acknowledges that it’s her.  She is drinking too much, and has lost her way. Deena is lovely and I feel for her.  They are all living unreal lives and it’s a lot of pressure.  She will be fine.  I hope she will be fine.

Pauly comes out the winner and I am proud of him for clearing the air and hugging it out with Deena so she can have some peace.  Everyone goes to bed and the morning brings the first day of work for the first shift.  Snooks, Deena and Pauly head to the pizza parlor. Seeing Deena and Snooks in flat shoes next to Pauly, you realize how really little they are.

The girls are in the shop and Pauly is sent out onto the street to hand out flyers.  Pauly is flirting with everyone and being hilarious.  Snooks is washing dishes and hating her hat because it is rubbing off her bronzer.  She decides the best way to get through her first day is to booze it up.  Snooki is drinking a lot this season which is interesting considering her arrest last year.

She gets a customer to buy them a bottle of wine and proceeds to chug away at an entire bottle.  The owner busts her, and he is not too thrilled. Her apparent alcoholism aside, Snooki is hilarious.  The boss dumps the wine down the sink and Snooks says its alcohol abuse because she could have drunk it.  I want to go out for dinner with Snooki.

Back at the house Jenny is concerned Ronnie is back with Sammi, but still talking to Hannah, the girl he’s been seeing, who he has invited to Italy.  Oy vey.  Jenny and Ronnie go shopping and he buys a bunch of stuff for Sammi. She is in love, and they are going out for dinner.  She might be in love, but he appears to not really care either way.  Blow up pending on this one.

The gang all goes out to a new club and everyone is having fun and getting trashed.  Ronnie is dancing, there is chick within a few feet of him, Sammi is plastered, and of course looses her mind and wants to have a deep conversation about it.  Ronnie dumps her.  Again.  I find everything about these two to be annoying.  I wish they never went to Italy.

Pauly and Mike get a couple of chicks and everyone heads home.  Pauly’s chick decides she’s not into it, so she is bailing.  She gets her friend from Mike and she bails too.  I’m not sure why a girl would go to a guy’s house at 4 am and think they are going to knit.  The girls leave and Mike calls Brittney the whore back and makes sure she knows it’s only for an hour.

Sam is talking crap about Mike, Ronnie is hammered and fed up with Sammi, which turns into his being fed up with Mike, and it’s going to get ugly.  Mike is on a couch, Ronnie goes over and with one hand lifts the couch to get Mike up.  It was fantastic and watching him walk around without a shirt, like an ape, it’s oddly attractive.  I’m digging me some juicehead.

Sammi is an idiot.  She is the cause of all the problems, which is good television, but she needs to get help not be on television.  Sammi tells Mike what he said, Mike denies it, and Ronnie goes over the edge.  Mike is very calm until Ronnie starts to throw all of Mike’s stuff out of their room.  MTV made us think we got to see the fight this week, but they were teasing for next week.

The fight between Ronnie and Mike looks brutal, and crosses a line for me.  Ronnie is a big guy and one good hit, or one solid fall, could have killed Mike and I wonder how MTV would have handled that.  What exactly needs to happen in order for them to cut Sammi from this show?  I love this show but this fight is a little much for even me.  They are courting disaster.

Single Ronnie is awesome, but both couple and single Sammi is useless, and she does not need to be on this show.  Something is going to cross the line eventually, it will be really bad, and I am willing to bet it will somehow be because of Sammi. Next week’s show looks sad, and while I know everyone is okay, MTV needs to dump Sammi and keep it real.

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August 23, 2011 | 1:53 am

Bachelor Pad: Casey Sings, Melissa Implodes & Jake Makes Out With a Girl!

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show.  Love it.  Love.  Love this show.  Seriously. Love it.  This week was brilliant.  We start off with everyone talking about Melissa and the fact that she is insane.  This is a woman who is unstable and needs to be medicated.  She looks like a meth addict, has horrible hair, and makes me embarrassed for all women.  This chick is a whack-a doodle.

Melissa saw Blake flirting with Holly and she is pissed.  Blake is clearly a pig, in a fabulously Bentley way, but Melissa is crazy.  Michelle from last year crazy.  She needs to put away the crack pipe, eat a sandwich, and go to bed. That said, I would rather listen to Melissa cry than Kasey speak even one word.  I find his speech impediment distracting and weird.

The challenge is men against women in synchronized swimming.  Dear Lord this is good TV.  The chicks suck, but watching Erica do her part, to what is clearly private music in her head, is brilliant.  Their outfits are cute, Vienna is convinced she is the winner, and they have ruined the sport.

The men on the other hand are fabulous.  They kill it. Michael wins a rose for being the best guy, and Michelle wins for being best girl.  Chris Harrison is there and honestly, I don’t get it.  I have met Chris, interviewed him for The Jewish Journal, and think he is a nice man, but he does not fit on this show and his clothes are lame.  He is Ken, when we need GI Joe.

Jake is on a mission to get Kasey voted off and starts off trying to get Erica on his side.  She is crushing on him and was going to vote with him anyway so he is wasting his time on her.  He should have been working on getting someone new, not on a sure thing.  For reasons that I do not understand, I like Erica.  She is sweet, and dumb, and I want her to win.

Vienna is flirting with Jake and it’s creepy.  Kasey is yelling at her and saying she is being nice to Jake, Vienna starts crying and watching them fight makes me think that Ronnie and Sammi from Jersey Shore are entertaining, and they are the most boring couple on the planet.  I cannot stand these two and I wish Kasey would go home.  Vienna on her own is better.

Kasey speaks horribly to us about Vienna.  He is not even remotely appealing. Vienna is fake crying, which makes her lazy eye shift to the left. Between Kasey’s voice, and her eye, I am in love with this show.  It’s date time and Michelle is taking Graham, Blake and Kasey.  They head to a winery for some drinking, talking and a glimpse of crazy Michelle.

Michael takes Vienna, Ella, and Holly on his date.  T’s sad because he is in love with holly and she is not feeling it.  Well she tells us she is not feeling it, but leads Mike on in a weird way.  These two are sad.  By sad of course I mean she is not good enough for him. He is sweet and kind and it’s a shame he is wasting this experience by having a lingering crush on her.

Michelle is falling for Graham and tells him, which is weird because she just met him.  She is going in guns blazing in a way that only Michelle can.  She is still a loon, but next to Melissa she looks normal.  Michelle makes out with Graham, and tells us he is one of he greatest men she has ever known.  She does not know him.  Psycho.  Graham gets Michelle’s rose.

Mike’s date is horseback riding.  Everyone is loving it except for Vienna who will not top complaining bout the heat, the smell, and the smog.  Back at the house Blake is going to talk Melissa off the edge, as per Michelle’s advice. He is not into her, keeps telling us, but goes to her and gets back into it, she is so dumb and desperate she believes him and thinks he likes her.

Michael gives his rose to Holly and they have a one-on-one date.  She keeps saying things that would indicate to him that she is still in love with him, but tells us she is not.  I officially think she is a skank.  He is crying, and telling her such nice things, and it is wasted on her.  She is 28, but acts like she is 21.  Poor Mike.  He needs to get over her and move on.

Kasey is explaining how his brain works and how he is keeping the game going. He is a crazy person.  Jake is working everyone, trying to get them to vote Kasey off.  That these people have not figured out that Kasey needs to go home if hey want to win the money proves that the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise is composed of really, really, stupid people.

Jake hen speaks with Erica and it’s enough to make me vomit.  She is flirting and he is oblivious to it because he is in love with Kirk.  Jake is thanking her for her help then he goes the extra mile, in his attempt to not be eliminated and he kisses her on the cheek, which leads to them making out.  It is mortifying.  Seriously the most uncomfortably fantastic kiss ever.

He tries to touch her hair, which ends up looking awkward and I know he is doing what I often do.  He has closed his eyes, gone in for the kiss, and imagines he is kissing George Clooney.  We’ve all done it Jake.  Back with Michael and Holly, Brett Michaels has joined hem on their date.  He is wearing his signature bandana with the fake blonde hair sewn in.

I love Brett.  He gives them some free therapy, and then sings the only song he knows, Every Rose Has Its Thorn.  It is a brilliant moment of scripted unscripted television.  Holly is going to crush him again and it’s going to be very, very sad.  It’s weird to watch because the show is totally setting Michael up for heartache, which is a drag.  They are mean.

Kasey is giving Vienna a gift to reassure her he loves her and pulls out a ring box.  She gets freaked out and says she does not want an engagement ring. He is having this loving moment with her and she is a bitch.  He tells her it’s only a promise ring and she is relieved and takes it.  She is a whore and he is a moron.  I think Vienna is still in love with Jake.  Poor Kasey.

My poor Kasey moment lasted all of 3 seconds because then he started singing.  He sang a made up song, about Vienna, with his speech impediment and I wanted to scrape all the skin off my body.  I honestly would have removed my skin if it would have made him stop.  It was painful and brilliant. I must question my sanity in watching and loving this show.

Erica is working the house, trying to get people to vote out Kasey not Jake. Melissa is talking to Jake and Erica goes to eavesdrop.  I almost peed my pants because while trying to sneak up on people. Erica bends her head down, but lifts her ass in the air so you can totally see her.  Rather than crawl low, she is walking on her hands and feet with her ass up.

It is so funny. Melissa is trying to save herself and Erica is still crawling around.  Melissa is crying and being crazy.  She confronts Erica, cries, threatens to go home, and is out of control.  How did this woman pass a physiological exam to be on this show?  Perhaps the person who does the background checks needs to be evaluated?  I’m thinking yes.

Blake tells Melissa that he wants to be her partner, but no romantic connection.  He is just like Bentley, only not as cute or charming.  The only person Melissa can trust is Jake.  She goes to him and loses her marbles. She is wailing, Jake is comforting her, and doing whatever he can to keep her there so she can vote Kasey off.  Jake is a whore.

There is a final mad dash to secure votes.  The twist this week is that no girls ar going home and everyone gets one vote for a guy to go.  One guy is going home and it’s ether Jake or Kasey.  Kasey is completely convinced that Jake is going home, and Jake is hopeful that he can pull off an upset and have Kasey be the one to go home.  Desperation sets in.

There is about 15 minutes of plotting with the entire cast, which is stupid because we don’t care.  We want the Jake and Vienna show to continue and if Jake goes the show will be lame.  I’ll still watch, and by lame of course I mean fabulous, but still, I don’t want Jake to go home.  Finally we get to the rose ceremony and as expected, it’s going to be Jake or Kasey.

Jake take Kasey aside and tells him there are no hard feelings and Kasey looks like he might puke.  Kasey says he knows it’s Jake going home and Jake vows that if it’s him that goes, he is going to take others down with him. When we get down to just hem, Harrison tells us it is the closest vote in bachelor pad history.  A weak attempt at drama.  Poor Chris.

The show ends with Harrison saying the person who is safe is Kasey.  Then is just stops!  The screen goes black with no reactions shown and no sneak peek to next week.  Net week is going to be good!  I cannot wait!  The credits win with asked guy in the pool doing his synchronized swimming routine and it’s perfect.  This show is great, whether or not it keeps it real.

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August 22, 2011 | 8:37 am

Cancel Real Housewives New Jersey & Debut “Melissa Loves Joe & Jesus”

Posted by Ilana Angel

Teresa + Joe = Garbage

I love Bravo but I’ve had enough. Not only do the housewives of New York need to be canned, but they need to pull the plug on New Jersey too.  These chicks are insane.  By these chicks of course I mean Jacqueline and Teresa. I think the next hit for Bravo should be “Melissa Loves Joe & Jesus”.

This pathetic display of television picks up at dinner with Ashley, Jacqueline and Chris, and her dad and step mom.  I am so bored.  I think Ashley is a bitchy and entitled young woman, but I also think Jacqueline is a selfish mother who cares more about her new family that her first born.

Jacqueline is crying and locked herself in the bathroom, which is childish. Everyone is telling Ashley that she needs to grow up, but why is nobody telling Jacqueline that she also needs to grow up.  How can she treat her child to be an adult when she insists on behaving like a child?

Jacqueline does not understand why Ashley does not treat her better. Really?  Is she a moron?  Well, she is, but that’s not the point.  If you are going to humiliate your child publically, and constantly embarrass her, then you have to expect that she is going to be annoyed with you and act out.

I cringe when someone tells to Ashley her mother made sacrifices for her.  Who cares?  We all make sacrifices for our kids.  That’s what it means to be a parent.  Ashley did not tell her mom to get knocked up at 18 and have a baby, so why should she be punished for that choice?

Ashley is a lazy brat with no direction of ambition, and I am not making excuses for her, but if one more person comforts Jacqueline I am going to scream.  She has clearly made her new family her priority and Ashley simply does not fit in the picture.

At Kathy’s, she is having the ladies over for dinner.  She has her “energist” come bless her home and clear out the bad energy.  I believe in smudging my home but I do it myself, not with some hippy chick.  Good for her though that she sticks to it even though Richie mocks her.

Ashley goes over to see Lauren about the t-shirt for the party.  The party is a week away and Ashley has not done anything.  Lauren in pissed off and trying to be nice, but she’s over it.  Ashley cries.  Again.  Then tells the camera she doesn’t even want to do the stupid shirt.

Lauren tells her to stop feeling sorry for herself and get it together.  Lauren sounds exactly like her mother and it’s funny.  Seeing Ashley and Lauren sit at the table is like watching Caroline and Jacqueline.  If these chicks are staring in the show in 10 years I will jump off a bridge.

Teresa and Joe go meet their lawyer because the judge has made a decision on their case.  Joe Guidice is an ape and that he is making money off this show makes me sick.  He is an animal and he and his family need to go.  Teresa has become disgusting and I am over them both.

Teresa is telling Joe she is not sure what to say because she doesn’t want to get them in trouble.  She’s so dumb.  The lawyer says Teresa is released from liability.  Joe is found guilty.  Joe says the moral of the story is that you should never tell the truth.  He is a complete moron.

Joe owes $260k.  They will sell their belongings, pay it off, and it’s done.  There is something so shady about Joe and his attitude about it all is gross.  Teresa is in denial and at the end of the day, Joe Guidice should be in prison and I imagine that will still happen one day.

Teresa stands by her man and says some of her “Jewish friends” don’t understand why she stayed, and they would have divorced their husbands in a heartbeat.  Really?  I want to know who these Jewish chicks are and why it was important to say they were Jewish.

Jacqueline goes over to Caroline’s and they are talking about Teresa’s court situation.  Kathy and Melissa are also talking about it at Kathy’s house.  Melissa does not care and wishes them well.  I really like Melissa.  She and Jesus need their own show.  She is truly the only entertaining one.

Caroline tries to talk straight on the whole thing, but is really speaking in circles.  She knows he’s a lying, cheating, pig, but does not say it.  Instead she sugar coats it and says she hopes he learned a lesson?  I expected more from Caroline.  Friends or not, she should have called Joe out.

Kathy’s party is about to start and Melissa is the first to arrive.  She tells us when “Kathy cooks she makes love to the food”.  If that is the case I think I’ll pass on dinner.  Richie is hilarious and says with Teresa coming over, Kathy should not smudge the house, but get an exorcism instead.

All the ladies are heading to Kathy’s and gossiping on the way.  Teresa is the talk of the town and not in a good way.  Surprisingly, everyone has arrived but her.  Scripted perhaps?  Kathy has made a Middle Eastern feast and everyone is ready to sink heir teeth into the beautiful meal.

Jacqueline is once again complaining about Ashley, in front of everyone.  Ashley can’t get a break from her mom.  It’s gross that she keeps talking about it and that she is airing her laundry in front of Kathy’s little girl is just stupid.  Caroline is talking like she would handle Ashley differently.

Caroline is the best mother in the world. We got it.  Teresa arrives and when talking about the weather, let’s the ladies know it’s going to be cold and they are going to get hit by a “Norwegian”.  This is one stupid chick.  Why are they all making so much money and why am I watching?

Everyone loves the food, except Teresa.  She is complaining about every single thing.  Kathy gives all the ladies a bracelet and says something nice about everyone.  She tells Melissa she is a good mom, and Teresa starts yelling that they are all good moms.  Teresa is a complete bitch.

Kathy says she admires how Teresa stays positive and Teresa thinks it’s a shot against her.  Caroline thanks Kathy and tells her she enjoyed the evening.  She says she did not think she liked her in the beginning, but misjudged her and hopes they can be friends.

She tells Kathy she should totally be a caterer and tells her owning a restaurant is a lot of stress on a marriage, then Teresa jumps in and says she and Joe opened a restaurant as their “next step”.  Teresa cannot be quiet and let someone else talk.  Then she starts talking crap.

We saw the “restaurant” and it’s a small pizza joint.  Teresa says she is going to be the hostess and wear gowns.  Really?  She is going to teach people to cook her recipes in gowns?  Teresa is a crack head.  By crack head of course I mean her head is cracked and her brains seeped out.

Teresa tells the ladies she and Joe are happy with the court’s decision.  Right.  She questions Melissa’s and Kathy’s loyalty by being friends with Kim G, then attacks everything Melissa says.  Teresa is painfully jealous of Melissa.  I find myself wanting to slap Teresa.  Hard.

Teresa does not understand the connection between a Middle Eastern dinner and belly dancers.  Dear Lord.  She is slamming everything about the night, is offensive and should be fired.  This show may be the thing that puts me over the edge and ends my love affair with Bravo.

Over at Jacqueline’s, Ashley is tsaying she is moving to California and the fighting starts immediately, in front of the two little boys.  Jacqueline says she does not want her little kids to grow up seeing dysfunction with Ashley.  Ashley does not seem to matter.

I would never speak to my son like that.  I’m not in her shoes, and who knows what really goes on, but I think I feel for Ashley on this one.  Jacqueline kicks out Ahsley in front of her two young sons and it’s sad.  Chris is trying to fix it, but it’s not flying.

Jacqueline storms out but stays in the conversation by yelling from the other room. It’s a disgusting display from everyone.  Jacqueline is loosing her mind in front of her babies, Chris is trying to talk to her, and Ashley leaves the room and goes to call her dad and complain about her mom.

Jacqueline sends Chris to do her dirty work and tells him to let Ashley know she has two weeks to get out of her house.  Then Ashley yells from upstairs for her mom to shut up, and it’s over.  She is going to be kicked out.  Jacqueline is crying about whining about how she failed as a mother.

Newsflash, you did fail.  Granted Ashley is a mess and needs help, but she did not get that way by herself. Ashley is carrying the shame and embarrassment of her mother’s teenager pregnancy and that is simply not fair.  This family needs help, not to be on television.

I don’t think I will blog about New Jersey anymore. Watching lives fall apart is not fun, it’s sad. It’s time Bravo was help accountable for crossing the lines of decency, and these women realize that getting famous this way is not worth what they are losing.  It’s time to keep it real.

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