August 1, 2011 | 12:25 am

Ridiculous Bachelorette Ashley Steals Two More Hours From Our Lives

Posted by Ilana Angel

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“The Men Tell All” special aired on Sunday night as an appetizer to the main dish, which is the finale on Monday.  It is sad that ABC dragged this out for four hours when the whole thing, both the men spilling the beans and the final rose, could have been done in an hour.  The only thing more pathetic than four hours is that we all watched it.

The recapping on this train wreck is insane.  We are shown the same things over and over again.  If The Real Housewives are a crack addiction, The Bachelorette is cheep street heroin.  I am not only embarrassed I watch this show, but mortified that I love it and still think it can work.  My name is Ilana and I am a sucker for love.

By sucker for love of course I mean I no longer watch this crap fest because I like it, but because I am paid to write about it.  If reality television is what the world is judging us on, we’ve got bigger problems than the debt ceiling.  This show does not work, is harmful to women, and is all about fame whores trying to get their 15 minutes.

Chris Harrison refers to Bentley as the most hated man in America.  Not so much.  I dug him and thought he was great TV.  Even after everything she went through, and the truth she now knows, Ashley says Bentley was only in it to win.  How dumb can this girl be?  He could have won and he left because he was not into her.  He’s a no-show, and leaving was the win.

Harrison is recapping stuff we did not see and it is painful.  We see JP break furniture and learn that Ashley snores.  We see that Ames is really great and Mickey suffered genital mutilation on his date.  Then Chris says the audience noticed her fruit bowl in Hong Kong had a banana that looked sexual.  Really?  They are desperate to fill 2 hours.

The producers of this garbage are bastards.  Just as we are excited to know this is FINALLY over, they show us 10 minutes of The Bachelor Pad, which begins airing next Monday night.  Dear Lord give me strength because I loved it.  I’m in.  I shall watch and I shall blog.  This show is disgustingly fantastic and I, along with mandatory bottles of wine, will be watching.

After 33 minutes we finally get to the men telling all. Watching men act like women is gross.  From Ryan’s cheerleading personality, to the mask guy, to the guy who trashed her at the roast, it’s lame.  The funniest guy is Tim the drunk.  He’s quite entertaining and it’s a shame he bailed so early, although I get the drinking to make listening to Ashley possible.

They spend a lot of time talking to William.  It’s not just me who makes fun of this poor girl.  The editors are clearly on a mission to humiliate her.  My blog is quite gentle compared to how they have treated her in editing.  I think William is a putz.  By putz, of course I mean fame whore.  He was never into Ashley, only into getting famous.  Epic fail.

Ryan P. tried really hard to secure his spot as the next bachelor and it looks like he may have done it. He’s sweet, saving the planet, and a good looking guy, so good luck to him.  That said, if he’s chosen I’m probably out.  He’s either an actor or the sweetest guy on the planet and should not be given a shot.  Who am I kidding?  If he’s in, so am I.

Ames is either the sexiest man in America, or a serial killer who will snap at any moment.  I love him.  He also freaks me out a little.  I think he should be the next Bachelor.  He is charming, smart, romantic, funny, chivalrous, classy, and about 20 notches above any other Bachelor they have ever had. That said, he’s probably too smart to sign up for this crap.

I am bored out of my mind and we still have 30 minutes to go.  So they bring Ashley out.  She is wearing an insane amount of make up and is still in need of some chapstick.  She keeps saying “like” and after one minute the tears are coming.  She is spray tanned to the max, but it stops at her wrist. She is orange everywhere but on her hands, which looks weird.

I feel like I have been watching this for 4 hours and there are still 20 minutes to go.  They bring back Jason, Deanna and Alli.  Really?  Who cares about these people anymore?  Alli has nothing of interest to say and her voice gives me a headache and so I am going to fast forward over her.  She is just as dumb as Ashley, and bores me.

Deanna?  Who the hell is Deanna?  I barely remember her so why is she there?  Jason?  Really?  This whole alumni section is really stupid.  We don’t care what these people say, and I would rip off my toenails with pliers if it meant this could be over.  Make it stop!  Even the bloopers are a waste of time and at least they should be funny right?

Tomorrow is the finale and Harrison keeps saying that “hopefully” Ashley will pick someone.  What the hell does that mean?  There is a recap of JP and Ben and she says she could marry them both.  Blah. Blah Blah.  We have all just thrown away two hours of our lives on a “reality” show that is completely unrealistic, and makes no real attempt to keep it real.

July 30, 2011 | 12:12 pm

The Real Housewives of NYC Show True Desperation on Twitter

Posted by Ilana Angel

I’m not a real user of Twitter.  My blogs are tweeted by The Jewish Journal and me, but that is the extent of my Twitter use.  I like the idea of it, and if I understood how it worked I’d probably use it more.  I used to follow a lot of people but it became exhausting, as I felt obligated to read everything which is a full time job.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been following the Real Housewives of New York on Twitter.  It is really fascinating to see how they all behave on television, and then see that it translates quite well to Twitter.  The only real difference is that the desperation on Twitter is palpable.  It is so intense that you can almost smell it.

Bethenny is quite interesting on Twitter.  She tweets a lot.  She updates her fans on things that Bryn has done, which is super cute.  She rarely mentions her husband Jason, which seems odd.  She never talks about anyone or anything to do with RHNYC, and she spends most of the time whoring out her products.

One person tweeted to ask if she had tasted the other low-cal margaritas that have been released.  They said imitation was the best form of flattery, to which Bethenny replied that imitation is not flattery, but rather a lack of originality.  She said she tried the other products and they did not taste as good as her Skinnygirl.

For a woman who built her career on copying other people, I think it’s hysterical that she says imitation is not flattering.  There is nothing original about Bethenny or her brand.  The fact that she is a “chef” who asks her Twitter followers for recipes, is proof that she is indeed brilliant, but not at all original.

Sidebar:  I have tasted both the Skinnygirl margarita and the new one from Jose Cuervo, and the truth is they both taste like crap.  If you drink enough of them they start to taste good, but that’s true of anything after a couple of drinks.  If you are going to enjoy a drink, just enjoy it and stay away from these glasses of yuck.

Sonja uses a lot of her tweets to beg people to like her on Facebook and sign up for her newsletter.  On one single day she tweeted 7 times for people to sign up for her newsletter, which she lets us know, includes recipes.  It’s quite sad but still appealing.  She writes to thank her fans for support and it’s oddly sincere.

If you can look beyond the desperation, Sonja is kind, means well, and is cute on Twitter.  Alex on the other hand, is annoying and her husband is pathetic.  He responds to every single tweet and is bitchy.  This guy is a mess and should be banned from Twitter as he refuses to ever keep to 140 characters.

Alex and Simon refer to their kids as “the chums” which is irritating after 50 times.  They talk about every single thing they are doing and I would be surprised that they don’t tweet during sex, except that I don’t think they have sex.  They are best friends, have a tight and connected marriage, but he’s not swimming in the lady pond.

That said, Alex has a certain tranny quality about her so maybe that’s why it works for them.  Perhaps Alexandra was once an Alexander, and that is how it works so well.  They are both offensive on the show and offensive on Twitter.  I truly think they are hurtful people and they are sucking the joy out of watching RHNYC.

Cindy is on Twitter and is neither offensive nor interesting.  Kelly Tweets a lot and shares what she is doing, where she is going, and asks a lot of questions to her followers.  She wants to know what people are doing, how they are, and there is a sense of friendship.  She is quite simple on Twitter, which makes sense.

Ramona tweets a lot about selling her Pinot Grigio. She is on a mission to get it in every store in America and she spends a lot of time using Twitter to help make that happen.  She also spends a lot of time talking about her romantic life with Mario, which makes me laugh.  If you have to keep saying it, it’s probably not true.

Jill also hocks her wares a lot of Twitter, but remains funny.  There is something authentic about her to me.  Maybe it’s her Jewish sensibilities that I respond to, but I like her on Twitter because even when she is working it, she is funny and can laugh at herself.  I can see how people might not get Jill, and that’s too bad.

LuAnn is the least offensive cast member on Twitter.  She stays in touch, but not obsessively like the others.  She let’s people know what she is doing, thanks them for their support, and lives a life outside of all the housewives crap.  In comparison to my friends, LuAnn is the most “normal” in her use of Twitter.

Twitter is an interesting thing, and for these housewives who so shamelessly show their desperation on television, they might want to rethink using this service.  It’s not for everyone, and in the case of most of these women, only proves that they are in fact desperate in their search for fame, and have no interest in keeping it real.

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July 26, 2011 | 12:48 pm

Real Housewives of NYC Reunion:  Why are they still talking about Bethenny?

Posted by Ilana Angel

Part one of the NYC reunion was interesting.  By interesting of course I mean a lot of shouting and behaving badly.  On a regular week it is embarrassing to admit that I watch this show, but today is rougher than usual.  These chicks are crazy.  By “these” of course I mean Ramona and Alex.  I find myself actually picking sides, which is insane.

The line has been drawn in the sand and there are clearly two different camps.  There is not a lot of love in the room, and even the ones who are apparently friends, get in a few jabs at each other.  I think its time for me to just come clean and admit that I love this show.  I dig these chicks, and I am sad the season is over.  Such a pathetic admission.

It’s also important to note that I am in love with Andy Cohen.  He makes me feel bipolar because I go from loving him, to thinking he is out of control for allowing these chicks on television, but in the end I think I just love him.  He is funny, smart, and handsome.  He has gotten millions of people addicted to his crack, with no prison time.  Bravo indeed.

I am not sure how to even recap this show.  There was so much yelling and craziness it was hard to follow, and trying to write about it is giving me a headache.  The headache could be because I just sat through two hours of The Bachelorette, but still it’s pounding and I cannot go through the show with a fine tooth comb and break it down keeping it real style.

Instead, here is my take on each of the women as we say goodbye to yet another season.  Sidebar:  Why the hell are they still talking about Bethenny?  At some point they all need to move on and let that go. Bethenny is no longer a part of this show and they don’t need to talk about her anymore.  You know Bethenny is at home watching, and loving it.

A few thoughts:

Alex: She is quite disgusting.  She looks like a tranny and does not stop talking.  She adds nothing of interest to this show, and they need to not invite her back.  Her husband is nauseating and makes me cringe.

Cindy:  Good for her that she came on and propelled her business.  I like her, and would suggest that moving forward, she try to not discuss her children or how she cares for them, because it’s just not good.

Kelly:  She is a little odd, but in the end she means well, loves her kids, and supports her friends.  She came into her own when Bethenny left in terms of feeling secure, but she also got a little boring without the conflict.

Sonja: I love her.  She is the most beautiful one, the sweetest one, and the one who needs the show more than anyone else.  I think she is lovely and hope she recovers from this year, which was rather dark for her.

Ramona:  She is a hurtful, vindictive, drunk, mean girl who is delusional, and living a lie.  Her husband is cheating on her, her daughter is getting ready to leave the nest, and she is unable to rise above it all and simply breathe.

LuAnn:  I think she was the classiest this season.  She defended herself, but managed to walk away from messes and be a lady.  I like her, like her boyfriend, and wish her well.  She has earned the joy she has found.

Jill:  What can we say about Jill?  I think she is the most authentic in terms of how women really are and talk to each other.  She is funny and sweet and I like her, which has nothing to do with her being Jewish.

In anticipation of part two of the reunion next week, I am going to start drinking at noon on Wednesday so I can be relaxed enough to pay attention and listen over the screaming to what is being said. This week was fascinating to watch, but impossible to recap.  Mostly because it was a bunch of women, acting crazy, and not listening to each other.

On Watch What Happens Live, Neil Patrick Harris suggested to Andy that he let all the ladies go and start over with a new cast.  Those may be the smartest words ever spoken about this show, and NPH’s referring to Alex as Frankenstein, may be the funniest.  This show has hit rock bottom and the only way to save it is to lose dead weight.

I have now watched it twice in an attempt to blog about it, and still don’t think I heard half of what they were all saying.  The star of this reunion was Andy Cohen.  How he made it through is beyond me because 90 minutes about did me in.  I will be back after part two, but will I be able to actually write a recap blog?  I’m keeping the faith.

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July 26, 2011 | 10:54 am

The Bachelorette Needs to Wash Her Hair, Floss, & Stop Talking

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are in Fiji with Ashley, which is a perfect combination of heaven and hell. Fiji is heaven on earth, and time spent with Ashley feels like I am in hell. She arrives to the resort, with her unfortunate walk, in horrible shoes, and once again, unwashed hair.  She is talking and my ears are bleeding.

She is recapping on the final three men and it’s so sad.  I think the powers that be at The Bachelorette are actually on a mission to humiliate this girl. She sounds dumb and looks ridiculous.  The thing is, she was managing that all by herself, but add in their editing and it’s mortifying.

If you take out all the recapping on this show it’s about 40 minutes of new television, and it simply does not work anymore.  It’s hugely popular, and we all watch, but it’s now a comedy, not a show about finding love.  This show has run it’s course but the money whores at ABC will keep it going.

She has Ben, Constantine and JP.  I don’t think Ben or JP are into her, but JP is so determined to heal his broken heart, he is not paying attention to the fact that he has nothing common with this silly woman. Then, because Mike Fleiss thinks we are dumb, he brings back Ryan.

Ryan is trying to be the next Bachelor and if I were not vomiting over the side of my couch, I would actually feel bad for him. Ryan is a dufus and he needs to move on.  He needs to find a woman who loves and appreciates water heaters, and realize he is not the Bachelor.

Ashley is looking at him and her facial expression is perfect.  Sitting there, listening to Ryan, is clearly painful for her.  I have been trying to figure out who Ashley reminds me of for weeks and tonight it finally came to me.  She is just like Patrick from SpongeBob Square Pants.

Date one is with Ben.  He is very sweet but his mind works in slow motion and it’s rough to listen to him.  I find myself screaming at him to talk faster and get it over with already.  He’s just way too slow.  The good news is being with him means free wine.  Lots and lots of free wine.

Ben is talking about the journey being about his break through.  He is happy to have recovered from the loss of his dad, but come on, he is not that into her.  He is just happy to be breathing again.  He’s never going to marry her.  Ever.  In fact, none of them are ever going to marry her.

Ashley says her life with Ben would be exciting and never have a dull moment.  Is she high?  He could not be more relaxed and unexciting.  Ashley is so dumb.  I honestly don’t think I can watch the whole show tonight. Truly. Don’t make me.  Let the TV fall and shatter right now.

Ben and Ashley are having dinner and he could not look better.  I can’t wait to hear about his new girlfriend and how happy he is.  He is talking, she is smacking her lips and keeps scratching her head, over her food, and I want to smack her.  Dear Lord make this stop.

Has she washed her hair once since she got there?  Does she need to talk with her mouth full?  Must she pick her teeth with her tongue?  Must she look at him with glazed over eyes because her head is empty of all thought? Stop scratching Ashley.  You are disgusting.

In talking to Ben we see her insecurities are still through the roof.  She does not seem to care who she picks, she just wants to make sure whoever she picks says yes.  She wants to be with someone, but it does not matter which one.  I feel bad for this stupid and insecure child.

Time for her date with Constantine and her outfit is so ugly that I’m laughing.  He could care less about her, and as I predicted weeks ago, he is going to dump her.  He is so smart however, that he is allowing himself to spend a few days in Fiji,  and will then dump her at the last second.

Ryan has been waiting for Ashley to come back and now they show him on the beach, looking up at the helicopter she is in with Constantine.  Ryan is pathetic and is embarrassing himself.  He went from the cool environmentalist to a pathetic loser in a matter of weeks.

Constantine and Ashley are diving off a cliff in a waterfall, and her deformity is brutally obvious.  She looks distorted and I find myself feeling sorry for her.  Not enough to cut her some slack and be a nicer and kinder blogger, but enough to stop laughing long enough to poor some more wine.

They are at dinner and Ashley toasts to them having more time together. She tells him she wants to get to a better place with him, and then he tells her that he’s not into her.  He is a touchy feely guy, just not feeling it with her.  He dumps her and it’s fabulous.  Bye-Bye Constantine.

Constantine dumps her and the look of relief on his face is palpable.  She has a new habit and cannot seem to keep her tongue in the mouth.  She keeps licking her lips and sticking her tongue out, and it’s distracting.  The quirks of this chick are putting me over the edge.  Nightmare.

Ashley is whining again about how she could end up alone and it’s sad.  By sad of course I mean hilarious.  Of course she is going to end up alone.  This show has not worked since Trista and Ryan, so why would it work now, for someone who is so annoying and has no personal hygiene?

It’s time for Ashley to wobble over to Ryan and let him down.  She keeps calling him “Ry” which is giving me a headache.  He feels hopeful she is going to give him a chance, but she dumps him.  Poor Ryan.  She should have picked him because he’s the only one who really liked her.

She is making crap up, talking out her ass, and has a look that clearly shows us that she does not understand what she is saying.  How can a person be so dumb?  I don’t think I could manage to get through life if I had to do it as dumb and insecure as she is.  Poor thing.  Ryan is out.  Again.

It’s JP time.  She is fake laughing and he is lovely.  He’s into being in love and it’s a shame he is wasting his awesomeness on her.  She picks him, he proposes, and by the time we get to after the final rose, they will be broken up.  He will move on and be married quickly.

Why does Ashley keep saying “whoa”? She is being insecure, but realizes JP loves her the most, and is her best bet. JP is so sweet, he had the coolest mom, and I want him to be happy.  If it’s her, then Mazel Tov.  Dumb and Dumber can live happily ever after.

She is telling him that Constantine left and she says it’s because they decided together it was not a match.  Really?  He dumped your bony ass Ashley and you practically begged him to stay.  She had an opportunity to be real and chose to be a liar.  Not cute.  Poor JP.  RUN!

She is sucking the joy out of the night with her insecurity and can’t stop talking and being a pest.  She needs to get some serious therapy.  She is a train wreck.  They go to the overnight suite and she changes into something sexy, which is a man’s shirt.  Really?

I happen to think the outfit is sexy as hell on the right woman, but for a chick that has a man’s body, it was not the best choice.  When she came out, he looks at her sheepishly and it was almost sweet until his eyes shifted slightly and it was more of a “Really? That’s your sexy outfit?”

Chris Harrison is there, which is insane.  She gushes about Ben and JP and whomever she picks is at home and getting pissed off.  She likes Ben more than JP, but knows JP likes her more than Ben, so she will pick him even though he’s not the right one, because she is insecure.

Two guys left and she still does a rose ceremony, which is a time filler. Harrison looks constipated, Ashley is talking gibberish and I want to scream.  This show is painful and I pray I can make it to the finale without having to check into rehab.  This show sucks and nobody on it, is keeping it real.

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July 25, 2011 | 11:32 am

Kate Dillon: Super Model, Reality TV Addict & Real Housewife of NYC?

Posted by Ilana Angel

I recently got a Twitter message from Kate Dillon.  Yes, supermodel Kate Dillon.  She wrote to let me know she was reading my blog and loved my take on The Bachelorette.  We started chatting over Twitter, which led to an interview, which allows me to now introduce you to my new pal Kate.

Kate is a fascinating girl.  She started modeling as a teenager, and quickly rose to the top.  She has battled anorexia, as well as been labeled “plus size” when she “ballooned” to a size 10.  At almost six feet, size 10 is still small, but it’s all relative I guess.  Regardless of size, she is gorgeous.

Here are a few things that you might not know about Kate Dillon:  She has a Masters in Public Administration and International Development from Harvard University, is married to a man she met while sitting next to him on an airplane, has a beautiful son, and a serious reality television addiction.

Modeling has been Kate’s job for many years, but her career is focused on changing the world.  She is philanthropic, cares about the world, and uses her mind and spirit to help the less fortunate.  She uses her blessings to help others and is passionate about change. She is a role model-model.

Her husband loves her, and does not care what size she is.  She had relationships, and worked, while both thin and heavy.  She thinks being sexy has nothing to do with her size, and to a certain young blogger here at the Journal who thinks fat is ugly, she thinks you’re an idiot.

Kate is very funny.  She is insanely in love with her baby boy, and passionate about her husband.  She was raised Catholic, her husband is Jewish, and her son’s circumcision was performed by a Muslim woman. She has faith, and will support her son to follow his own path.

Kate has travelled the world, is envied for her beauty, is in love, a mother, and reached out to people in need.  For someone who is so together, it’s hard to believe she is an addict.  I am honored she chose to reach out to me for help.  Her name is Kate, she loves reality TV.

Kate and I first connected over The Bachelorette.  It was my observations of Ashley’s whiny voice, intense insecurity, unfortunate bowlegs, unwashed hair, lack of chapstick, and picking her teeth with her tongue, that first bonded the blogger and the super model.  God bless reality TV.

I adore Kate. She is not just a reader, or a Twitter follower, but my friend.  It is because I love her, and only want the best for her, that I will not judge her crazy outlook on the Real Housewives of New York City.  Are you ready?  She loves Alex McCord.  Dear Lord she needs help.

Kate thinks Alex is misunderstood and needs to be cut some slack, thinks Kelly is a dingbat, and is annoyed she tells everyone she went to Columbia, when really she went to the “community college” section of the school, not the actual Columbia University, as Kelly implies.

She loves Ramona and is not a huge fan of Jill. We could not possibly disagree on these women more, but we agree to disagree, find each other’s views hilarious, think each other are crazy, and laugh and enjoy that battle without being mean or hurtful.  After all, it’s just fake television.

Talking about these shows is fabulous.  Half the fun in blogging about them, is reading the comments.  If you eliminate the crazy people, it’s fantastic fun.  In talking to my pal Kate, one thing has become painfully clear:  Kate Dillon must become a real housewife of NYC!

Dear Andy Cohen, you need to invite Kate to be a new cast member next season.  She brings a lot to the table and will make for great television.  Here is my top 10 list of reasons Kate Dillon should be on the Real Housewives of New York City next season:

10 – She wants to be friends with Alex (For now.)
9 -  She actually lives in New York City
8 –  She is a new mom and can help Cindy get it together
7 –  She is married to a Jew and can do Shabbat with Jill
6 –  She knows that money can’t buy you class
5 –  She wants to help Sonja
4 –  She actually drinks Ramona’s Pinot Gregio
3 -  She is not afraid to speak her mind
2 –  She is fluent in model and can translate for Kelly
1 -  IT’S TIME TO SHAKE IT UP A BIT BECAUSE WE’RE BORED!

I love it that Kate, the jet setting super model is sitting home at night watching the housewives just like the rest of us, and her addiction is so strong she felt the need to reach out for an intervention. Kate Dillon is fabulous and as a NYC housewife, is always keeping it real.

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July 22, 2011 | 12:01 am

The Real Housewives of New York City Season Finale Menopause Cruise

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show and even though this season was longer than the last one, it seems to have flown by, and it’s a drag that it’s over.  The good news is we have two reunion shows to look forward to, and if the clips are any indication of what’s in store, they are going to be better than the actual show.

We start with Countless in a meeting with her creepy music producer who is trying to explain to her that auto-tuning her song is actually called “mastering”.  He brings in one of his “friends” as a surprise, and it’s Natalie Cole.  I love that Ms. Cole is making a cameo.  Even legends like train wrecks.

Luann is clearly star struck, which is great.  I love her reaction and thought it was her most likeable moment.  She is misunderstood as condescending, when in the end she is simply a lady.  I’m guessing she will get married and have a baby.  Another Jewish guy gone!

Ramona is having a dinner party with Alex, Simon, Sonja, and her bisexual boy toy Brian.  Ramona and Mario and talking about having another baby and Ramona is telling us she is into it.  She is 55 years old and has poached eggs so I’m not sure what the hell she is talking about.

Avery says her mother could have a baby because she still has her period.  I don’t believe Ramona still has her period.  She is simply leaking from old age.  The whole conversation is gross and I’m wondering how Mario, after 20 years with Ramona, does not know her middle name.

Alex takes a call from LuAnn in the middle of the party.  Scripted.  Simon is horrible and when the camera follows Alex out of the room to take her call, he gives a classic, “stay by me Alex so we are both in the shot because we are a pair and I am as important as you” look.

Next up is Alex at a photo shoot for her new and fabulous modeling career. Her skin is almost as unattractive as her laugh.  She is talking about her fabulous life as a model and I have officially opened my first bottle of wine. Watching Alex drives me to drink.

Simon comes to pick her up, she is running late, and Simon is a douchelord. He is jealous of his wife.  He is so desperate to be famous that it’s distracting, and I think embarrassing for his wife.  If you don’t follow Simon on Twitter, you must.  He is hilarious and writes total garbage.

Cindy and Sonja are sitting through a scripted scene together and it’s lame.  They can’t stand each other so why does Bravo keep pushing this mess?  Cindy’s first words to Sonja are how she wants to say something in a nice way, then accuses her of having multiple personalities.

Sonja looks beautiful, but is clearly off her rocker.  It’s sad because I love her.  She is fabulous and watching her fall off the deep end is upsetting.  It’s a shame that in her moment of crisis. Sonja decided to lean on Ramona instead of Jill.  Jill could have helped, where Ramona is useless.

They are rehashing the toaster oven breakfast and I can’t listen.  I’m pouring another glass of wine.  Sonja is rambling and losing focus.  She is talking about how she prepared food with her own hands, not help.  The reason you did not have the help is because you have no help Sweetie.

Both are right, both are wrong, and both need to relax.  If I had to pick a side, I’m going with Sonja. Cindy screwed up at breakfast, but Sonja is unstable, and you can’t argue with unstable. Cindy needs to check her priorities, and Sonja needs some pot to help her chill.

Ramona goes over to Sonja’s to tell her she may be pregnant. She is 55 years old.  It’s not pregnancy, it’s her very tired eggs shriveling up and getting ready to drop. Sonja is certain Ramona is pregnant because her senile dog can sense it.  Her dog is smelling crazy.

We’re at the 1 year dating anniversary party for LuAnn and Jacques. Cute. Alex and Simon arrive and Simon is an ass.  How Alex handles him constantly embarrassing her is beyond me.  She says she does not believe in LuAnn but believes in love.  Alex is lame.

Alex is wearing the same outfit she wore in a picture with a blogger in Chicago, who insists she does not read my blog, yet constantly quotes me and my readers. Her basement website has been taken down so she started another one.  Only a matter of time before that one goes.

Kelly is hilarious, Cindy is harmless, Jill is her funny self, Sonja is a mess, Ramona is having a menopausal pregnancy, Alex is tweeting, and LuAnn is happy.  Ramona thinks it’s weird to go on a cruise around the Statue of Liberty for her party with Jacques when it’s connected to the Count.

Poor Ramona.  Could it bee that she chose a trip around Lady Liberty because Jacques is French, she was a gift from the French, and she is thanking them for all the great things they sent to America, including her boyfriend? Ramona makes more sense when she is hammered.

Ramona tells Mario, in the middle of the party, she may be preggers.  He’s surprised.  Not in an “Oh my God this is fabulous” way, but in a, “Are you kidding me?  Sonja will stop sleeping with me if you are knocked up because I told her we don’t have sex anymore!” kind of way.

I love Jill and for the finale she was back to the girl we fell in love with years ago. She was funny as hell, and her and Bobby are delicious. Mario goes over to Sonja to tell her it’s not possible Ramona is pregnant and it’s hilarious.  He has more sexual energy with Sonja than Ramona.

Ramona takes the pregnancy test on the boat.  Really?  This entire story line is lame.  Jill is cracking me up outside the bathroom wanting to know what is going on.  She runs to LuAnn to tell her but the Countless is having none of it.  This is her party and nobody is going to dump on it.

Quote of the night comes from Jill Zarin:  “Does Ramona actually think that she could be pregnant?  At this age, mid-fifties, when you miss your period, it’s not because you are pregnant, it’s because menopause in knocking at the door.  Knock, knock, knock”.  It was brilliant.

LuAnn introduces Natalie Cole.  Everyone is floored, except for Sonja, who tells us they are good friends, even though she has not seen her in three years.  Poor Sonja has not yet realized that everyone she knew when she was married to a Morgan left with Mr. Morgan.

Simon’s face while watching the duet is simply perfection.  He cannot hide his intense envy that it’s not him singing with Natalie.  He truly thinks he is a housewife.  Bless his heart.  I am willing to donate to a “help Simon become a woman so I can be cast next season” fund.

Natalie and LuAnn sing their the Countess is quite good.  She held her own with Ms. Cole and her face showed pure joy, which was sweet. They took a shot from behind Natalie, and LuAnn was rubbing her back.  I’m not sure why, but I thought it was a touching moment.

Alex and Simon are sitting by themselves talking crap.  Simon is a putz. I honestly think they should be kicked off the show.  They add nothing. Ramona is finally going to pee.  She will pee on the stick and an image of poached eggs will magically appear instead of a line.

I am relieved the season is over, but sad to see it go because it is my drug of choice.  I will meet you all back here for the reunion shows next week.  It’s been fun, and at the end of day even though Bravo and Sonja couldn’t do it, we managed to keep it real.

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July 21, 2011 | 9:08 am

Ryan Seacrest & Andy Cohen Go Persian with “Shahs of Sunset”

Posted by Ilana Angel

Just when you think Ryan Seacrest cannot possibly get another job, he’s gone and taken on another one.  Seacrest is teaming up with reality television genius Andy Cohen, from Bravo, to bring us “Shahs of Sunset”. They are saying it is modeled after “Keeping up with the Kardashians”, but I’m thinking not so much.

I’m guessing it will be more like “Jersey Shore” meets “The Real Housewives”.  Cohen and Seacrest should hope I’m right because the Kardashian family, while hugely popular, is also insanely boring and predictable.  The “Shahs” will be to the Persian community what Jersey Shore is for Italian Americans.

According to Ryan Seacrest Productions, “Shahs of Sunset will follow a group of young Persian-American friends who juggle living and working in Los Angeles while balancing the demands of their families and traditions. The series will showcase the group’s luxurious lifestyles from over-the-top shopping sprees to traditional yet lavish family feasts in their sprawling homes. Unafraid to flaunt their designer clothing, tricked-out cars and boisterous personalities, spending money is no foreign concept to these young socialites but also treasure the value of family and Persian traditions.”

This show will be fabulous.  I just know it.  We will get sucked into the lives of these people, they will forever be stereotyped as something they may not truly be, and it will be yet another series of train wrecks, which from the perspective of a reality television fan, is brilliant, and something I am looking forward to blogging about.

There will be missed opportunities to show how special this community is.  I have many Persian friends here in LA and it’s an amazing group of people and culture.  There is a passion and sense of family that is special, but I’m thinking we are not going to see too much of that.  It’s going to be about excesses, riches, sex, and breaking all the rules.

They will be shown in some unflattering light, which I guess is the goal of reality television as a whole.  I love Andy Cohen and Ryan, so together they will bring us some magic, of that we can be certain.  Important to note that “magic” however, can mean a lot of different things.  The test will be to see if “Shah’s of Sunset” will keep it real.

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July 19, 2011 | 9:17 am

The Bachelorette Scratches her Head and Picks her Teeth Across America

Posted by Ilana Angel

The end is near!  We are almost done with Ashley the Bachelorette and I for one am really excited.  I predict that whomever she is with, is not who she will marry, and that after the final rose, she will cry and scratch herself out of our minds, and we’ll quickly be done with her. Hooray!

We are in Philadelphia with Ashley and she is going on and on about nothing. She walks into her fake apartment and goes to sit on a stool. She lifts one leg to get on and she almost falls off the other side because her bowlegs are so severe, one leg up allows her to straddle the chair and lose balance.  Funny.

She is recapping how she met the final four and it’s nauseating. If I were the guy she picked, and I’m sitting at home watching, I’m pissed off.  I’m also wondering about her unfortunate legs, constant head scratching, why she picks her teeth with her tongue, and talks wit her mouth full.

When we met Ashley was she not from Maine?  She is off to meet the guy’s families, and I’m drinking tequila tonight.  Wine is just not going to cut it and as my Twitter pal Kate let me know, there is not enough wine in Napa to get through this week.

We start in Georgia with Constantine.  Ashley is making weird faces and for the love of God why is she trying to flatten out her bangs in the wind? They go to his restaurant and I already know she will gross me out before we get there.  He is proud of his work, and family, and it’s very sweet.

They are making a pizza and her hair is falling into the food, she is fake laughing, and as the waitresses gather in the window to watch them, I can’t help but wonder how many he has bedded.  They are cute girls, and he’s the handsome boss, so come on.  It’s happened.

Constantine’s family hangs a sign and balloons welcoming him home.  His sister is beautiful, and his parents are sweet, but clearly not feeling her.  They don’t get it that love can be found like this.  They want it all to slow down and they will squash it.  Family trumps Ms. Itchyhead.

They surprise Constantine with the whole family coming over.  It’s a scene out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and I don’t see Ashley in this family. The grandmother sitting on the couch clapping was the best part.  I love that woman, and I love that Constantine’s dad calls her Ass-ley.

We’re off to see Ames in Pennsylvania. I think he is odd, magnificent, smart and charming, but sadly he loves her.  Her legs are out of control.  It’s appears that she is now walking on the sides of her feet because they can actually no long lay flat on the ground.

Ame’s family wants so much for him to be happy, but they see that this is just not going to happen for him.  His sister knows her brother is going to get crushed and she is trying hard to talk Ashley into him, but it’s a waste of time.  He is lovely and smart, and Ashley is too dumb to get it.

Ame’s sister tells him everything Ashley told her, then tells him to get his romance on so she can see he has that in him.  He loves her and it’s too bad. They are on a picnic and he is so smart, but she believes they think the same.  How can she manage to survive when she is so dumb?

Off to Sonoma to meet Ben.  His family has the best shot of liking her because there is wine everywhere. They go to his winery for a picnic and Ashley says she wished her mom was there because she would love it.  Ben says she can come visit “for the holidays”. Which was funny.

I’m not sure why it cracked me up, but it did. He said she should come, then remembered it was a mother-in-law, and quickly limited it to the holidays.  I loved it.  I like Ben.  Much more than I like his twin brother Constantine. Ben tells her if his family does not like her, she’s out.

Ben’s sister Julia looks just like Kat von D without the tattoos.  Ben is really great.  He is telling his mom he is sorry for not being a better son when his dad died.  He tells us about his father, and is crying, and I am officially in love with Ben, and sincerely hope that he is not the one she picks.

We’re in Long Island with JP.  He’s such a girl.  I love him, and am happy there is a token Jew in the final four, but he’s a bit of a whiner and immediately tells Ashley he did not sleep the night before.  Yuck.  He is taking her roller-skating and the fake laughing is getting on my nerves.

JP is talking about his broken heart again.  I always pull for the Jew on a reality television show to rock, so people can see that we do rock, but then the Jew is always creepy, Big Brother, or lame, Amazing Race.  I like JP but in the end the Jew is a bit of a pussy, which is a shame.

JP’s mom has the best reaction of all the moms in seeing her baby.  She makes lasagna for dinner, which is a drag.  I wish it had been a brisket.  JP is sitting alone with his mom and then it happens.  JP picks his teeth with his tongue.  It’s over.  Ashley has the man of her dreams in JP.

JP’s mom breaks out his Bar Mitzvah picture, which is awesome.  They were Jewish enough to have a Bar Mitzvah, but not enough to care he might marry a non-Jewish girl? I predict she picks him and they have a great 3 weeks together before they announce they are breaking up.

Sidebar:  JP’s family is talking a lot about his broken heart and I want to know what happened.  They make it all sound so dramatic.  We’ve all suffered a broken heart but this seems a little more than just a break up.  If anyone has the scoop on what exactly happened, share the dirt.

They are back at the house so Harrison can work for two minutes and get paid.  The car comes up, the door opens, Chris puts out his hand to help her out, and she shakes it.  She is so dumb.  Ashley is wearing an insane amount of hair extensions and the recapping is a bore.

Important to note that tequila makes this show a lot better.  I love me some wine to be sure, but the edges are just a little smoother with the hard stuff. It is clearly a magic potion because after a couple of shots, her laugh did not make me want to carve “shut up” on my arm with a steak knife.

At the rose ceremony Ames is sent home and his facial expression is very sad and he truly was surprised to be let go.  He truly appeared to be confused and I felt bad for him.  He’s a little weird, in the best possible way, and his parting words to her, and in the car, are classy.

Next week we are going to Fiji.  There will be three dates with the overnight card, then her family will come and crap will hit the fan. Someone comes back to see her and if it’s Bentley I am going to choke on my own vomit and not be able to blog the finale, which will be a drag.

It’s hard to believe there are only two weeks to go.  By hard to believe of course I mean it’s hard to believe I have not broken my television or seriously harmed myself while watching this crap fest.  Next week will be nauseating, but I will be back, watching, laughing, and keeping it real.

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