August 16, 2011 | 8:55 am

The Bachelor Pad:  Blake is the New Bentley & Ames is Prince Charming

Posted by Ilana Angel

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This show is fabulous.  There is no point in denying it, or trying to lie about it.  It is really very entertaining, the people on it are insane, and it would not be nearly as good without Jake and Vienna.  One might assume the people on this show are watching themselves at home and are embarrassed, but I think they might be too dumb to know how ridiculous they look.

Chris Harrison is too old to be hosting this show.  He is painful enough on The Bachelor and Bachelorette, but he just looks stupid here.  They should have gotten someone younger and funnier who could have added to the show, rather than Harrison who just looks out of place.  Even his clothes don’t seem to match the vibe of the show.  He does not belong here and looks lame.

The show starts with a competition straight out of high school. Everyone gets into bathing suites, are blindfolded, and the opposite sex throws paint filled eggs at each other upon answering questions.  The questions are who are you least attracted to?  Who do you want to go home? Who does not deserve to win the prize money?  It’s funny, but very mean.

Jake appears to be the least popular of the men and Erica is clearly the least popular of the women.  I don’t care about Jake, but it’s very sad to watch them pummel Erica.  She is crying and it’s very sad.  She is really dumb, but bless her, she did not deserve to be treated this way and you have to wonder if the money is worth the public humiliation.  I think not.

Jake is very sad he is so misunderstood and nobody likes him.  He is sulking around like a baby and could not be less attractive.  Important to note that I think Jake might be a little person.  He looks like a munchkin next to the strapping young men on the show. Mike wins for the men and picks Erica, Michelle and Holly to go with him on a date.

Mike was engaged to Holly and she called off the wedding because she was not in love with him.  He is still in love with her and it’s painful to watch.  The date is in a closed down mental hospital and I can’t help but think they could reopen it and fill it with all the contestants from The Bachelor and Bachelorette past seasons.  These people are pathetic, but great TV.

The date is stupid, Michelle is weird, Holly is confused, and Erica did not brush her hair.  Holly and Mike go off alone and it’s crushing.  He loves her and misses her, and she just does not get it.  She says they were just off and when he loved her she did not love him, then when she loved him, he was not into it.  It was a mean and hurtful thing to say.

She broke up with him 6 months after she accepted his engagement so for her to say she was not in love with him when he loved her, means that she accepted his proposal without loving him.  She is crying that she does not understand why he broke up with her.  Really?  You called off your wedding and broke his heart with no explanation.  Holly is a moron and I love Mike.

Melissa picks Blake, Casey and Kirk to go on her date.  Melissa makes a deal with Casey that she will give him a rose if he saves her next week.  Casey thinks he is the Godfather pulling all the strings.  He is certain he is in charge but his speech impediment makes it impossible to take him seriously. He actually has no speech issue, he’s just a dork who talks weird.

Jake is whining and complaining about how he is probably going home.  He is bitching and complaining about Vienna and decides the only way to help himself in the game is to ask Vienna for help.  Really?  He is insane.  How desperate must he be to think he can go to Vienna for help?  Jake needs to give up on his search for fame, find a nice guy to love, and settle down.

In the most pathetic show of desperation ever, Jake goes to “V” and asks if he can talk to her privately. She says no.  She will not talk to him without Casey there.  He tells her she can bring someone with them.  She says no again and he sulks off.  I have met Jake and he’s a little weird.  This show has now made him weird, creepy and completely pathetic.

On Melissa’s date she is talking to Kirk who is great.  Casey is convinced he is safe and talks to Blake like he is the puppet master, then Blake takes Melissa off for some alone time.  Blake then channels the inner Bentley every man has, and makes out with her, even though he is not attracted her and thinks she is gross.  He calls himself a whore, but keeps on going.

When it comes to the rose, Melissa goes back on her word to Casey and gives it to Blake.  She is emotionally unstable and falling in love with Blake.  Casey is shocked and his feelings are hurt.  Dear Lord.  We are an hour in and I am totally entertained by this show.  There is something seriously wrong with these people.  Fame is truly a seductive lady.

Gia is plotting to get Casey and Vienna sent home.  She is talking to Graham about a plan and tells him to not talk to Casey about her plans to split the power couple. Meanwhile Holly is flirting with Blake, who is a pig, and it is putting Melissa over the edge.  She is convinced he digs her, but he’s into Holly and going Bentley all over Melissa.  The breakdown is coming!

Melissa is a crazy person.  She is 32 years old and acting like a teenager. I’m embarrassed for her.  She is crying, saying she wants to go home, and clinging onto Blake, who thinks she is both unstable and unattractive. Everyone is plotting, Casey believes he’s in charge, and it’s hard to keep up with all the backstabbing and alliances.  I love this show.

Jake still thinks if he gives Vienna an opportunity to be kind, she will take it. Is Jake high?  She is not kind.  She is crazy.  He approaches Casey and Vienna and says he wants to talk.  Vienna agrees to talk because Casey is there.  Jake says he needs help and they are the only ones to help him.  Oh. My. God. Jake has lost his mind and I freaking love this show.

Casey asks Jake if he deserves to be there and Jake says yes.  If he wins he is going to donate the $250k in prize money to charity. Vienna says she knows he’s in debt and the donation is a lie.  Jake gets beat by Casey and Vienna and just sits there.  Jake is a liar, Vienna is a drama queen, and Casey is a schmuck.  The crazy thing is that I feel feel bad for Jake.

How screwed up is that?  I actually feel bad for Jake and his constant public humiliation.  I also feel a little bad for Vienna because she needs the prize money to get her lazy eye fixed and Casey needs it to get a new tongue so he can talk properly.  It’s so confusing to decide who needs the money more.  If I could give the money to any of them, I would give it to Ella.

Harrison comes in and Vienna goes off about how the show forced her to break up with Jake on television and she blames them for causing her distress.  Harrison tells her she is not being forced to do anything and he will call her a cab if she wants to go, and for the first time I actually like him.  Bravo to Chris for calling her out.  He’s still boring as hell, but bravo.

The plot twist this week is that no men are going home.  Jake is spared his certain demise and two women are going to be sent packing.  Minds are racing and the scrambling for survival begins.  Jake is standing with Ella and Michelle and both of them are actually taller than him.  Gia went to Graham and Graham went straight to Casey and told him what she said.

Gia gets caught in a lie, then talks about how everyone else is lying.  She is losing it and saying she is not like them, but she is exactly like them and she got caught.  She is quitting and going home.  Crying and trying to leave with dignity, but we have been watching Gia.  You are just like them and you left looking like an idiot, not the nice girl who got screwed over.

There is still a vote and one girl needs to go.  It’s between Ella and Jackie. Ella goes into fight mode and scrambles to find a way to save herself.  She aligns with Kirk, and he partners with her and is on board to save her ass. Kirk goes to Mike and Graham and gets them on board to save Ella and send Jackie home.  Meanwhile Ames goes to Casey and asks him to save Jackie.

Melissa goes to Blake and tells him everyone hates him, but she is whispering which is weird because if everyone thinks it, then there is no need for the whispers.  Melissa is a crazy person.  She plays into the stereotypes men have of chicks being whack and I wish she could be sent home.  Sadly she has a rose and is safe.  I want her and Blake gone.

It’s time to send a girl home and Jackie gets the boot.  I LOVE Ames and I am not a fan of Jackie’s but he loves her.  He’s known her for a week, but he loves her.  I hope they have broken up and he is the next Bachelor.  Ames is sad that Jackie is going home.  I honestly think this is the greatest man to ever appear on any of these shows.  He is a little off, but totally divine.

Jackie says goodbye to everyone, and Ames walks her to the limo.  He hugs her, kisses her, and puts her in the car.  He walks back to the others, then waves goodbye to them and runs after the limo.  He gets in the car and leaves with Jackie and then it happens.  Much to my surprise and my humiliation, I started crying.  Ames is Prince Charming and he made me cry.

Next week’s show looks fabulous!  Jake makes out with Erica, Vienna and Casey start to crumble, and Melissa loses her mind.  This show is so incredibly bad that it is insanely good.  I’m hooked.  Each show ends with the weird Bachelorette masked guy wandering around the house and it’s worth watching just to see him.  Admit you love Bachelor Pad, and keep it real.

August 15, 2011 | 10:37 pm

Millionaire Matchmaker & Most Eligible Dallas are Really, Really, Really Bad

Posted by Ilana Angel

Bravo is home to some great reality television.  Now it is also home to two of the worst shows on television.  I sat through Millionaire Matchmaker and Most Eligible Dallas tonight.  It was painful and really awful. Do they really think we will watch again?  These two shows totally and completely suck ass.

Millionaire Matchmaker is a train wreck and Patti Stanger seems to think that we know nothing about her, so she lies.  It’s actually quite funny that this chick thinks we are dumb.  Surprise Patti!  We are not dumb, we know when you are lying, and we watch to mock you, not because we love you.

Patti starts off telling us that she broke up with her boyfriend of 7 years because she could not make a long distance relationship work.  Really?  She went to NYC to shoot one season, which lasted a few weeks and her relationship could not handle it?  She is simply full of crap.

I have met Patti in person and she is quite pretty.  Tiny and attractive, but a bitch.  Not an entertaining, Jewish bitchiness, but a hardcore, mean spirited bitch.  I think that’s what people saw in NYC and why she tanked there.  To say she was begged to go there to help people is ridiculous.

Her staff looks like they should be on LA Ink.  They preach love and marriage but none of them are married.  They have new offices, and she is driving around in a Jag with a driver.  She says she is too busy to drive, then in the same sentence says she is a lady of leisure.  Which one is it?

Two fame whore millionaires are set up and both are cute, but clearly looking for 15 minutes over love.  It’s pathetic.  People who clearly don’t speak English as a first language script this show.  It is sloppy. Patti also seems to have problems speaking English and makes up words.

Her criticism of the women and her bashing of the men is just not funny. She is trying really hard to be Kathy Griffin but it’s not working.  She is mean.  I happen to like mean, but Kathy mean and Patti mean are on two different ends of the spectrum.  Kathy rocks and Patti tanks.

In the end, the seriously attractive but creepy guy gets into a fight with her, she kicks him out and he calls her a whore.  I love that guy.  I will not be blogging about this show again.  I will watch to laugh at her, but not wasting my time boring you with this crap fest.

Just when I am convinced Matchmaker is the bottom of the barrel, we get Most Eligible Dallas.  The people on this show are dumb.  I’m not buying it, and just like when they tried this show in Miami, this show will come and go and we will never remember them.

Courtney:  This chick is insane.  She is love with Matt, and he is just not that into her.  She is a snob and conceited.  She is not that smart, not the prettiest one, and clearly struggles with the fact that at 29 she feels like a failure for not being married with children.

Matt:  He is 28, average looking but a god in his own mind.  He comes form money, acts like a player, is best friends with Courtney, and has no intentions of dating seriously.  He is out to have a good time with as many people as possible, but has a little crush on Neill.

Glenn is a football player who has been traded a million times, which would imply he is not that great.  He loves himself and has an ego that does not quite match how he looks.  He has a great body but his love affair with himself makes him not that cute.  He is a little creepy.

Neill:  She is a 23 year old aspiring country singer who is also a single mom to a one year old boy.  She is the youngest, but in week one the smartest, most down to earth, prettiest, and the only one on the entire show who seems to have any redeeming qualities.

Tara:  She is very rich, saves dogs from the pound, and lives a couple of blocks away from former President Bush. I watch this show a million times, I will never understand why a woman with so much money, who knew she was going to be on television, did not get her roots done.

Drew:  He works in his family car business and is gay.  We know he is gay because it is all he talks about.  I have never heard a gay man explain his gayness in so many ways in a two minute span.  He has nothing interesting to say, and incase you watched and missed it, Drew is gay.

I am not going to bother to recap the hour because if I do I will fall asleep and I still need to watch Bachelor Pad.  This show is lame, these people are lame, and I’m done. It is disappointing that after our loyalty Bravo repays us with this crap.  They are not even trying to keep it real.

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August 15, 2011 | 12:03 am

Real Housewives of New Jersey, Big Brother, Celebrity Rehab & Jersey Shore

Posted by Ilana Angel

The only way to blog about all the current reality television would be for me to quit my job and spend all of my time in front of the television.  That sounds like a dream job, but I cannot do it for fear of losing all my brain cells, and failing miserably as a mother.

However, just because I don’t write about it does not mean I am not watching it.  I probably am.  By probably, of course I mean I am totally watching it. I can blame my addiction on the fact that I write about it for work, but the truth of the matter is that I simply love it.  Very sad.

I have not blogged about the housewives of NJ in a while for no other reason than Sunday nights are hard to carve out the time to blog when I am with my son.  I’m watching, not blogging, but loving this season.  It’s a little slow moving and somewhat boring, but still good.

Caroline is predictable.  She cried when Lauren said she was unhappy with her body, which was touching, but refused to do the warm up exercises when she went with her to work out, which was selfish. If she wants us to think she is the best mom, she needs to walk the walk.

Teresa is gross and Melania is payback for her evil ways.  That little kid is a handful.  Teresa and Joe went from being entertaining to being disgusting real fast.  Jacqueline is a mess.  I wanted to smack the smug out of Ashley this week and my heart broke for Jacqueline.

Ashley was horrible to her mother and while we don’t know the whole story, the sense of entitlement is insane.  Jacqueline wears too much make-up and appears to have no neck because she is always slouching, probably from being beaten down by her ungrateful daughter.

Kathy was cute when she went dress shopping with her daughter, but she is forgettable on this show.  Don’t get me wrong, I like her and Rich, but they are not particularly entertaining and I would not miss them if they did not make it back for another season.

Melissa is my favorite.  I love that she is all about Jesus.  She won’t have sex on the birthday of Christ, which is a genius excuse to not do it with her horn dog husband.  I love Joe, love their kids, and think they are the best part of this season.  Melissa is reality television gold.

I’ve been watching Big Brother and it’s on so much that blogging is impossible, but I will say Rachel is the most annoying woman ever, and watching her cry makes me sick.  The only thing grosser than her crying with no tears, is her relationship with her fiancé.  They are icky.

Celebrity rehab is the one reality show I am embarrassed to admit Ii watch.  I feel uncomfortable because it is unethical for these people to be paid a tons of money to have us watch them self-destruct. That said, I think Dr. Drew is the sexiest man of reality television.

That brings us to Jersey Shore, which is perfection.  I love watching these kids.  They make me laugh out loud and cringe all the way to my toes.  I cannot turn them off, and even if I have seen an episode but come across a rerun, I will watch it again because it’s that funny.

The drinking, the smooshing, the getting it in, all of it is fascinating.  Even the two most boring people on television, Sammi and Ronnie, are oddly fun to watch.  I can’t get enough of this show.  It is fun to see a life I never led and a life I will never allow my son to lead.  Jersey Shore rocks.

I will be back Monday night to talk about the Bachelor Pad, which is painful to watch.  I’m only able to tune in because of the brilliance that is Jake and Vienna. It also marks the return of Patty Stanger and Millionaire Matchmaker, which is the biggest crap fest on television.

Love it or hate it, avoid it or addicted to it, reality television is not going away any time soon.  If there is a show you’d like to get my take on, let me know and I will happily blog it.  The one thing you can be sure of, is that even when the shows don’t, my blog will always be keeping it real.

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August 9, 2011 | 8:44 am

The Bachelor Pad Kicks Off With a 3 Hour Train Wreck

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start off our guilty summer secret with Chris Harrison doing an insane amount of hand motions while he talks.  He’s too old for this gig and needs to go.  This show is about fame whores searching for an additional 15 minutes. They are also looking for sex and money, which proves there are several types of whores on this show.  Here are the players:

Justin: Canadian who bailed out of Alli’s season because he had a girlfriend.  He is pissed, looking for revenge, and painfully uninteresting.

Jackie:  She was dumped by Brad, is a whiner and mean girl, and her tongue hangs too far out of her mouth when she speaks.

Michelle:  She’s a single mom and a crazy person.  Her dad has cancer and she wants to win so she can put money to help cancer research.  Right.

Gia:  She is as beautiful as she is stupid. She has a cute speech impediment and has managed to milk the Bachelor experience to the very last drop.

Vienna:  She won her season and was proposed to by Jake, the gay bachelor.  She has a lazy eye, and makes for fantastic television.  Best fake cry ever.

Casey:  He got a tattoo to show his love for Alli, and then she dumped him.  He is dating Vienna which shows us all he is sweet, stupid and desperate.

Jake:  He unwilling to embrace his true self and live his best life.  He and Vienna will be the fireworks, and conductors of the train wreck.

Erica: The fake Italian bachelor dumped her.  She has horrible lip injections, and a voice that makes me want to shove knives in my ears.

Graham: I have watched every show of every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and I have absolutely no idea who this guy is.

Ella:  Another single mom and a really beautiful girl. I loved her on her season and I want her to win.  Even after just 5 minutes, she is my favorite.

Holly:  She was dumped by Matt but found love with Michael from Deanna’s season.  They were engaged and she was a runaway bitch bride.

Michael:  Surprise, surprise, Holly’s ex is in the house.  Exactly how desperate are these people to put themselves in such horrible situations?

Blake:  The dentist who just got dumped by Ashley. I’d be celebrating in The Bachelor Pad too I had gotten dumped by Ashley.

Ames:  He is my favorite and I wanted so much for him to be the Bachelor.  He is smart and lovely and so much better than this show.  Shame.

Melissa:  She’s a drama queen and will competing for the best fake cry against all the other skanks that are in for the money.

Alli:  I remember that she was cute, but that’s about it.  It will come back to me I’m sure, but for now she’s all good.

Kirk: He was dumped by Alli and on the first night in the Pad gets sloshed and hooks up with Erica.  Going to take a while to wash that one off.

William:  The cell phone salesman who wants to be a comedian and was the only one with the balls to properly roast Ashley.

Jake walks in and acts like he is the Mayor.  I’ve met Jake and he is quite sweet.  He is very short and has a used car salesman vibe, but still sweet.  He sees Vienna and tells her she looks nice.  It’s a nice gesture. Vienna checks herself out in the bar mirror and practices her cry.

Gia talks to Jake and tells him he needs to talk to Casey so there is no tension.  Jake goes to find Casey to assure him he is not there to hurt Vienna, just to win the money and move on.  He wishes them well and says he hopes they can be nice to each other.  Sincere, yet totally fake.

Everyone needs to couple up for the first challenge.  They strip down to bathing suits and hang onto each other suspended in the air.  First couple to let go wins and get to stay in the house, and have a private date away from the house.  This is the dumbest show on television.

Jake and Jackie win immunity.  Could this be more staged?  Why do they think we are so stupid and why are we so stupid we watch?  We are half way through the ridiculous 3 hour premier and I have gotten countless emails from watchers saying they can’t tune in any longer.

Cut to the hot tub where Vienna is being a bitch to Casey for dropping her, he tells her not to blame him, and she gets pissed because he promised they would not fight on camera.  If you have been dating 6 months and need to cut a deal to not fight on camera, are things good?

Vienna and Casey are fighting and she is certain she is getting the boot but come on, there is no way in hell the producers of this crap fest are going to let her leave.  We have an entire season of fighting and tension to watch and they are not letting half of it walk out the door.

The plotting and scheming is stupid.  By stupid of course I mean I honestly don’t think I can make it through this entire season without carving “shoot me” in my leg with a dull steak knife.  It’s a short season, which is a blessing, but still not sure I will be able to dumb myself down for long.

Jake and Jackie are going on their date and a little girl sees them and starts crying.  It’s sweet and he could not be kinder to her.  The best part is when Jackie says Jake is a real celebrity.  Jackie is so dumb.  He’s not a celebrity sweetie, he is a fame whore who is infamous for nothing.

They walk across Hollywood Blvd. with no people or cars in sight, which if you live here know is impossible without the street being shut down.  I’ve lost any respect I had for Mike Fleiss because he officially has no respect for his viewers.  He is a money whore just like the contestants.

Jake tells Jackie crap about Vienna and Jackie buys it all.  Back at the pad, Vienna is telling her version of the breakup, which is opposite of his story. Hard to know who to believe but I’m going with lazy eye on this one.  They broke up because he does not like to have sex with women.

Jackie and Jake have a rose to hand out and Jackie suggests they give it to Vienna as a peace offering.  Is she high?  Jackie thinks better of it in the morning and so we have to spend the next hour listening to her whine and about who to give it to.  If she wins she should get a nose job.

Jake talks to everyone about giving Vienna the rose and nobody agrees.  Gia, beautiful Gia is so dumb she tells Jake the Trojans won over the Greeks by hiding in an elephant, and that you cannot win a chess game without the queen.  Dear Lord someone help her.

Jake gives it to Vienna and Gia is heartbroken and can’t stop crying.  I need a drink.  I mean another drink.  By another of course I mean my third drink. He asks if he can talk to Vienna and Casey.  I am embarrassed to tell you all that I freaking LOVE this show.  What is wrong with me?

Jake tells Vienna he is sorry he yelled at her at their reunion.  I am listening to him and I think I might love him.  I’m drunk.  He is sweet and a gentleman and I find myself feeling bad for him, yet good for him because he’s a freaking good actor.  I bought his crap.  Bravo Jake.

Then is gets brilliant because Vienna gets up and leaves as he is apologizing, calls him a robot and Jake sits there with his big chance at an Emmy cut off in the middle.  Vienna is hugging Casey and telling him she wants his babies and what she is really thinking is about the money.

Back to Jake, he thinks it went perfectly and he is on his way to a friendship with Casey and Vienna.  The music they are playing is fantastic and Casey is going on and on about how he is protecting his girl.  Oh. My. God.  I am hooked and will be stuck watching every week.

There is about 20 minutes of scheming and I’m bored.  I am skipping over this part so I can get back to The Jake and Vienna Show.  The rose ceremony is pathetic and the music is ridiculous.  It drags out for what feels like another 3 hours and in the end Alli and Justin are sent home.

Justin goes out with a huff, grabbing Jake’s rose so he can finally leave with one.  He complains about Alli who cries in her farewell car ride.  Why or why did I watch?  I can’t look away now. I’m hooked.  The Jake and Vienna Show will be fun, painful and guaranteed to not be keeping it real.

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August 4, 2011 | 9:29 pm

Jersey Shore in Italy - Questo Trainwreck è Davvero Fantastico!

Posted by Ilana Angel

You know it’s summer when the kids of Jersey Shore show up.  By kids of course I mean everyone but the Situation, who I am sure is 40.  The gang is heading to Italy and it’s going to be fabulous.  I’m thinking there won’t be a lot of grenades walking the streets of Italia.

We start the show with everyone getting their passport pictures taken. Snooki lets us know that Europe is a huge country that consists of Britain, England and Italy.  Oh my, this is going to be fun.  Pauly is packing and very excited to have his international blow dryer accessories.

Deena is excited about the trip and is not going to do sex, but figure out the men, and then have sex.  Vinny is trying to learn Italian before the trip so he can pick up a traditional Italian girl.  I think it’s funny, and oddly sweet that these 20 something kids all still live at home. 

We meet Snooki’s new boyfriend Jionni.  They have been together for 6 months and he’s a little nervous about her escapades, but they promise each other to not hook up while she is away.  She does not know where Italy is, but it’s in the shape of a boot and she loves boots, so it’s all good.

Situation is getting his hair done and says he heard Snooki lost weight and lets us all know if the pounds are gone he will tap that.  Right.  If he has had his foot deformity repaired, maybe she will tap that.  JWoww is still with Roger and she looks fabulous, despite her massive boobs.

Ronnie is single and not putting up with any Sammi drama.  I give it a week until they hook up.  Sammi is saying she is healed and feeling good about being around Ronnie.  I give it less than a week.  They will be fighting, crying and begging before they even unpack their bags.

The 4 boys are flying together and the four women are going as a group. The race is on to get there because whoever arrives first gets the pick of the rooms.  The amount of luggage these people are taking is amazing, especially for Snooki. The smallest girl has packed like a maniac.

The boys connect in Spain and the girls stop in Germany.  They land in Italy and Snooki wants to make sure she gets some pesos.  Jenny has lost a can of bronzer.  Deena falls and hurts herself, and Sammi has forgotten to pack her personality.  Not a good start for the ladies.

The boys fly straight into Florence, but the girls go to Milan and need to take a bus.  The travel agents who put this together are brilliant.  You have got to love scripted, unscripted television.  I am saying it right now, so there is no confusion later when I’m drunk, I love this show.

Italy is truly a gorgeous country.  According to Pauly, it’s the most beautifullest country he has ever seen.  The boys arrive first and scope out the best rooms.  Their digs are spectacular and we are reminded how truly odd it is that this motley crew is given these opportunities.

Vinny is happy to find a bidet as it will come in handy on lonely nights should he not score with the ladies.  Speaking of ladies they arrive and everyone is reunited.  This is a cute little family and they are very entertaining.  It is brainless summer fun and I am so happy they are back.

The bodies on these 4 boys are insane.  Really, really beautiful. Jenny is smoking and the little ones are adorable.  I can’t find anything appealing about Sammi, but it’s early and it may come.  Deena is bunking with Pauly and Vinny.  The trip starts off with a shot of Limoncello.

They are all going out for the first night.  There is a moment of panic when the blow dryer blows out, but thank God it gets worked out.  They gather in the front room and as Ronnie is about to sit on the table, Pauly says it’s going to break, and bam it does.  And so the season begins.

They go out, walk around with their cameras and bodyguards. Mike wants to get it in with Snooki, but she’s got a boyfriend. Deena thinks it will never happen, but Mike thinks it will.  Sammi is drooling over Ronnie, and truth me told, from his neck to his waist, so am I.

They are going out to eat and the only girl that can drive is a stick is Snooki. No good can come of that.  The girls get lost and decide to go home.  They are sitting outside when all of a sudden pigeons attack them.  The best part is they actually start talking to the birds, telling them to stop.

Mike tells Ronnie that he slept with Snooki a couple of months ago, while she was with her boyfriend.  The bigger part of the story is now that he has seen her, he may be falling for her.  Really?  Are we supposed to believe this?  First show is kind of early to blow smoke Mike.

Everyone is slutted up and they head to the club.  The girls look good, the boys look better, and the debauchery begins.  Vinny is the only one that speaks any Italian, so whenever the guys want to talk to a chick, they need to go get Vinny.  It’s too funny.  They are getting hammered.

Mike starts hitting on Snooki and it’s gross.  By gross of course I mean that it proves Mike is a dirty old man who needs to back off the Snooks.  He knows she is in a relationship, so he is either lying, or outing her on camera, and that’s just sleazy.  How do you say schmuck in Italian?

We see a preview of the season and all I can say is Oh. My. God. The Italian-American community puts down this cast for not properly representing their culture, but by the looks of it, the Italians might not do such a good job either.  Love it or hate it, these people are keeping it real.

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August 4, 2011 | 1:46 am

The Countless Countess: A Conversation with LuAnn de Lesseps

Posted by Ilana Angel

I am addicted to The Real Housewives of Anywhere, USA.  With the exception of the DC chicks, who bored the hell out of me, I watch all the different cities.  I find them to be both entertaining and mortifying. Contrary to popular belief, I am not on the payroll of either Bravo, or any cast member, of any of the locations.

I am just a fan and when it comes to New York City, I think the show needs to be recast.  The dislike between the women is palpable, disgusting, and frankly sad.  They started out one way, and rather than end with class and dignity, the current cast is leaving having been dragged through the mud. The fascinating thing is that they did the dragging themselves.

My regular readers know what I think about each of the ladies so there is no need to rehash that now, but even I was surprised by how much I sincerely liked LuAnn when I spoke with her yesterday.  Many have described her this season as being condescending and mean, but there is something about her I found myself drawn to.  I was curious, and so I reached out.

As a divorced, single mother, who is in the same age range, I admire LuAnn. From what I could see, as a watcher of her show, and with absolutely no first hand or inside knowledge of her life, I saw her go through the darkness and heartache of a divorce, and come out on the other side with her self-esteem intact, and her heart open.  I admire that.

I answered my phone, heard a very deep, warm voice and immediately knew who it was.  I said hello and she responded with Hello Darling, The Countess has arrived.  She then immediately apologized for calling a couple of minutes later than our scheduled appointment.  Say what you want about this woman, but her manners are impeccable and she is very funny.

During our conversation she laughed easily and often.  She also called me Darling, which I got a kick out of, and when she wanted to make a point, she called me Ilana.  I can’t explain how or why, but I felt she was not only listening to every word I said, but she actually heard me.  We were 3000 mile apart but it was if she was looking at me straight in the eyes.

I think there is something quite lovely and special about her, and it’s a shame this show is trying so hard to push her into the gutter.  I truly hope she opts not to return and does something a little classier with her career.  I learned some very interesting things about LuAnn, all of which have now inspired me to read her book, “Class with the Countess”.

The book was sold as a how to guide about elegance and class, but it’s the autobiographical chapters that I am interested in.  During part two of this season’s reunion, while I was watching and bashing myself over the heard with my remote to drown out all the screaming, I noticed that LuAnn pronounces the word sorry like a Canadian, and says “sooory”.

It turns out both of LuAnn’s parents hail from Canada, with her mother from Quebec and father from New Brunswick.  She does a killer French Canadian accent imitation, which cracked me up.  The same people who think I only like Jill because she is Jewish, will now think I only like LuAnn because she is Canadian.  Say what you want people.  I’m Canadian and I dig her.

LuAnn was married to Count Alexandre de Lesseps. For 16 years.  I assumed he was a product of wealth and did not work, but it turns out he is a successful businessman and does some pretty impressive work to help underprivileged women rise above their circumstances, and have a better life. LuAnn speaks of her ex-husband with a lot of pride.

They appear to have had a very civilized parting.  To be clear, she was heartbroken and the end of her marriage was rough, but her love for her children allowed to her to view her husband with respect rather than anger. There was pain and sadness, but not hate.  I find that fascinating as most divorces that I know of, including my own, have slivers of hate.

She is now in love with Jacques Azoulay, who is almost 10 years her junior. They met at a party of mutual friends, when Jacques walked over to her and asked her to dance.  They have been together for over a year and it’s love. This summer they travelled to Paris where LuAnn met his family, and he met her ex-husband.  Interesting to note that she was not nervous.

She says both men are smart and open-minded.  There have been implications over the years that her husband might not be a fan of the Jews, and Jacques is a Jew.  He is a reform Jew, and the sweetest thing was when she told me that when at her Hampton’s home, Jacques will take his talit, which he’s had since his Bar Mitzvah, and go to the ocean to daven.

The men were both curious about each other.  For Alex, his children love Jacques and he kept hearing about how great he was.  For Jacques, there had to be a little part of him that was cautious to meet a man who on paper, would appear to not approve.  In the end the men enjoyed each other. Alex respected the man who makes the mother of his children so happy.

It’s all quite civilized really.  I’m not sure if it’s because they are people of privilege, or simply people of class.  The two are not exclusive for as we know, money can’t buy you class.  As for Jacques, he may be her next great love.  He recites poetry, plays the piano, supports and respects her, and allows her heart to remain open.  He is a mensch and she likes that.

Luann has never dated a Jewish man, nor has she dated anyone younger than her.  She is a perfect example of how a woman should live her life after a divorce.  So many of us close down, and make a list of rules of how we will love again. LuAnn had only one thing on her list.  Be happy.  How different would my life be if that were the only thing on my list?

Many things surprised me during our chat.  LuAnn talks a lot about her projects and her goals for the future, but she does not hock anything, which I found refreshing. She is gracious and appreciative of the people who spend time and money buying her wares, but she is not a non-stop infomercial like so many of the housewife fame whores. (Bethenny and Ramona)

After a little research I found that you can get a Countess app for your phone called “Countess LuAnn”.  It’s quite kitschy and cute.  She is also doing a USTREAM chat live tomorrow, August 4th at 7:00 pm EST.  I’m hoping she will also take my suggestion and record her version of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”.  I think that would be brilliant.

LuAnn and I spoke for about 40 minutes and I could have kept going.  She has great stories and was open to sharing them all.  She did not refuse to answer any questions and nothing was off limits.  We talked a lot about the housewives and her perspective on the ladies was honest, uncensored, and very similar to many people who comment on my blog.

I asked her if she thought doing another season would cause her to hit a wall.  She responded by saying she had already hit the wall and that perhaps she was done.  One never knows I suppose, but I really hope she opts to not return.  I think she has a lot to offer beyond this show, and I fear for her that with one more year we simply won’t care.

We barely care about any of the ladies now.  They have sucked all the joy out of this show and I think those that bow out now will be the ones who have a shot in hell of maintaining a career beyond this show.  At the end of the day LuAnn is simply too classy for this show and is being sucked into reality hell. In my unsolicited opinion, she needs to bail.

We all watch the housewives, think we know them, and have opinions and judgments about who they are and what they are all about.  Sadly, we only know what Bravo wants us to know.  Editing has power of course, which is a shame because she is great and we don’t get to see it.  I took pages of notes during out chat and could write a lot more.

I admire this woman.  I respected her for how she spoke of her parents, siblings, ex-husband, boyfriend, and most importantly, her children.  Our conversation made me think about things differently, and I learned a few things.  Countess LuAnn has a powerful voice and I hope I have an opportunity to listen her to away from the train wreck.

My job here is not to defend her, or convince you to like her.  That is her job.  My job is to write a blog, with my opinion, in my voice, with my views, which I have done. Countess LuAnn is a cool lady, with lots to say, who needs to get the hell off of this show because quitting may be the only chance she has at keeping it real.

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August 3, 2011 | 12:44 am

Bravo Must Recast Some of the Ladies of the Real Housewives of NYC

Posted by Ilana Angel

I watched part 2 of the New York City reunion twice and writing this blog has been painful.  There is so much screaming and ugliness that it’s beyond being funny, and is now just pathetic.  The main thing I decided after this entire season is that some of these chicks need to go.

Alex McCord is toxic.  Cindy, while lovely, brings nothing of interest and she can go.  Ramona should skip a season to go to rehab and divorce her letch.  With them gone Kelly will add nothing and so she can go too.  Keep Jill, Sonja and the Countess and I am back in.

Here we go, keeping in mind that I have medicated myself, as the screaming is just too much.  LuAnn is talking to Ramona about how she knocks her parenting, and I must say that I really like LuAnn.  That she made it through the attacks without crying is fascinating to me.

She is a lady and with or without the Count, she is classy.  Ramona is saying that the video shoot for LuAnn was inappropriate and she did not do it because it offensive to her daughter Avery.  Right.  She says they discussed it over dinner but we know they never have dinner.

Avery is left alone, by her own admission, and does not see her parents so they thought of them all sitting around, as the trifecta that they are, making decisions as a family is laughable.  Ramona is out getting drunk and Mario is out banging Sonja, so it never happened.

Here is a video montage of Jill and it’s stupid.  I am sick of Jill getting picked on and I’m even sicker of Jill defending herself.  Listen to me Jill, you are great, and you have nothing to apologize for, so move on.  People either love you or hate you.  I love you.  Stop caring about the haters.

Alex says that hanging out with the housewives is a liability to her social climbing.  Honestly Alex, shut the hell up. Get off this show, continue your climbing, love your gay husband and move on.  I am begging you.  I will tattoo Simon’s face on my ass if you will quit the show.

There is a montage of Ramona is all about her drinking problem.  She denies it, says it is nothing, and then says if she is an alcoholic, she is a functioning one, and that is fabulous.  If I were a bitch, whose kid hated me, and my husband was a pervert, I’d be throwing back some wine too.

Kelly is hilarious on this reunion.  She keeps talking and dropping one-liners. She tells Ramona her drinking is not about unwinding, but rather unraveling. I am changing my mind on Kelly.  I want her to come back.  She is harmless, and every once and a while, she is perfection.

The next montage is of the Countess and her newly found biting tongue.  I love her and think some of the ladies are simply jealous of her.  She looks great, went through a public divorce, and came out on the other side happy and successful. They are picking on her for crap.

I just listened to 15 minutes and cannot remember one single think that was said.  Dear Lord.  I want o pull all my hair out.  The commercials for the housewives of Beverly Hills are the best part of this reunion.  I love you guys but I simply cannot rewind to see what I missed.

The montage of Alex proves she is in fact a tranny who suffers from constipation.  She is defending her husband and I am flabbergasted that so much of this show is being dedicated to Simon.  I feel nauseous, my heard is pounding and I want to hurl myself off the roof.

They are talking about Morocco and I seriously want to put a bullet in my television.  I’ve stopped listening.  I’m done.  I love the train wreck of the housewives in all the cities but this show is done for me.  The two camps hate each other and they can’t fake another season.

I am happy it’s over. Beverly Hills will give me lots of reasons to self medicate and taking a break from this group is now a necessity.  I wish them all well, hope some do not return, and truly hope that Andy figures it out and gets that the cast as is, simply cannot keep it real.

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August 2, 2011 | 12:57 am

Bachelorette Finale: Ashley & JP Lose, While Ben Goes Out a Winner

Posted by Ilana Angel

The Bachelorette is finally over for the season. Thank God.  I seriously don’t think I would have lasted through one more week.  However, I’m about to watch three hours of hell and I’m oddly exited.  I have a mojito on hand, with a bottle of wine as back up, so let the train roll.

We start off with Ashley and her family. They seem lovely.  Her sister, who looks like Kat Von D, had me laughing because within 2 minutes of her being on television, she scratched her head.  Perfection. The sisters share the same unwashed itchy scalp.  Family clearly helps Ashley feel normal.

JP is first.  He is sitting with the family, for the first time, and Ashley is wiping down her face and legs with a towel.  She is looking down her own blouse, watching the sweat poor straight to her tummy, as there are no boobs to catch it.  Everything is nice, until the sister dives in.

Cut to the sister telling her JP is not the one. Sis asked if he made her laugh and Ashley says no.  Sis thinks she is too young for him, she starts crying, can’t stop playing with her hair, and rubbing her lips together.  Ashley is acting like a teenager and could not be more unattractive.

Ashley is, for lack of a better word, an idiot.  She is conflicted about who to pick because she is not sure who loves her.  She could care less. She wants to pick who will want to marry her, not who she loves more.  She is desperate, ridiculous, and I am embarrassed for her.

Ashley runs out to her little brother and is crying about what a bitch her sister is.  I like the brother, but his is a family that sweats.  The sister is alone with JP and she tells him she does not see them together.  This chick is a bitch.  By bitch of course I mean she needs her own show.

Ashley is now complaining to her step-dad.  It’s sad.  All she wanted was support from her sister and it’s just not happening with her and JP.  Sister tells JP he is too old for her, Ashley is too much for him, and there is nothing he can do to change her mind.

Sissy is a total joy sucker.  Ashley cannot comfort JP after he is screwed over.  Ashley plays with her hair, and tells him not to worry.  Her family just told him he was out, but he is supposed to not worry about it, go off while they fall in love with Ben, and it will all be fine.

Ashley is talking to her sister and it’s so annoying.  The sister is fabulous and Ashley is an idiot.  She admits that her sister is saying all the things she thinks in her head, which means that Ashley is not into JP and should pick Ben.  Ben is cute and makes a good impression on the family.

He is so into he, and speaks so opening about it, that you know he is going to get dumped.  She is going to pick JP because her sister does not like him, because she thinks he loves her more, and she does not want to risk being dumped on television after months of being a loser.

It’s the final date with Ben and they take a helicopter ride to a healing, natural mud bath.  Sidebar:  Ben has bigger boobs than Ashley.  She really likes him, but sadly he loves her.  I’m thinking Ben has solidified his spot as the next Bachelor.  I’ll be bored, but I’ll still watch.

Ben tells Ashley he loves her, they kiss, are lying on the bed and she says, “So what do you think?”  She is a bad romantic comedy come to life. The kind that not only goes straight to video, but the kind you use to prop up a broken table because that is all it’s good for.

It’s JP’s date and he tells Ashley that her sister screwed him up.  Hating the sister is totally the stuff to build a relationship on.  She is going to pick the guy that her family does not think she should pick. She will pick him and he will dump her.  He is into love, not into Ashley.

JP tells Ashley he loves her and asks her not to break his heart.  Really?  It made me laugh out loud almost as much as I did at her padded bathing suit. It made her look like an actual girl, not a boy, so bravo to the maker of that miracle suit.  JP is a little too cliché for me.

He then gives her a present, which is a photo album of all their times together with a note about their great love story.  He is still in love with his ex, and used the show to get over her, and does not love her, so the book makes him as sleazy as Bentley.  Yuck.  Cute, but yuck.

It’s engagement day and Ashley wakes up and gets out of bed in full make up, having slept in a robe.  Her fake eyelashes are stupid, and her monologue about each of the guys is scripted and useless.  I have had two mojitos and yet I feel the need to pour another one.  Shame.

Neil lane is there with his jewels.  I love everything that Neil Lane does and no matter what they each pick, it’s going to be fabulous.  That said, you can tell a lot about a guy by the type of ring her picks. In terms of Ben and JP, the best ring selection goes to JP.

Ben is first and Chris Harrison is there, for no apparent reason. He says he loves her, know she loves him, and he is going to ask her to marry him because they have a fairytale.  He talks about his dad and I want to jump in the television and save him from this nightmare.

Before she can say anything, he gets down on one knee and proposes, while she stands there like a moron, cries, and says she is sorry.  All he can say is “wow”. She is talking about how hard it is when he cuts her off and bails. No bye, no hug, and she chases after him.

He is over it and just wants out.  I’m guessing that as she is talking her voice sounds as annoying to him as it has been to us all season.  I LOVE Ben and now want him to be the new Bachelor.  He is really great and Ashley is a skanky, gross loser.  Mean?  Yes.  True?  Yes.

Then, to add insult to injury, as he is telling us that he just does not understand what happened, they put him in a boat and rather than drive along the shore, they drive him straight out into the middle of the ocean with no land in sight.  It was freaking hilarious.

So it’s JP, as we knew it would be, and he gives her a killer ring.  She gets to move to New York City, piss off her family, and be a laughing stock when she realizes that JP is not going to be forever.  He will get his 15 minutes, and I predict be on next season’s Bachelor Pad.

After The Final Rose is next and the recapping is instant.  Ben comes out and has to sit there while we watch him watching himself get dumped.  He’s great and good things will happen for him.  Ashley comes out, then JP.  She’s sporting the ring, they are in love, and I’m not buying it.

The sister says she is sorry for doubting them.  Whatever.  She was right and should own it like she did in Fiji.  She talks about how she is looking forward to family stuff like Christmas and Ashley corrects her and says Hanukkah.  They will be long over by the holidays.

And so it is over.  Hooray! It’s been a painful season to sit through and I hope the powers that be realize they picked a dud, and their choice for the next go round will determine if we will come back.  I say I won’t watch, but I will, so all I can do is hope they keep it real.

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