Posted by Ilana Angel
It’s another Thursday night in New York City and as I sit down to watch the train wreck, I am wishing I did drugs. Nothing too heavy, just enough to take the edge off of this show. I could argue that I am already doing crack just by watching, but still, you need a little something to get through it most weeks. I’ve poured a glass of wine and buckled up, so here we go.
We start with Sonja and Ramona shopping for clothes for a burlesque themed party that Sonja is throwing. She tells us she is a supporter of the arts and she likes to throw parties. Sidebar: For someone who is going through a very public bankruptcy, how is it that she is throwing another party? Sonja is letting loose more than being a patron of the arts.
If I were Sonja I would be more focused on how I am being portrayed on television because if I were her ex-husband, I would want my kid out of her care. From what we are seeing, she is clearly suffering some kind of mental breakdown and I would not want my 10 year old daughter in that environment. She appears to be more whorey than mommy.
Avery is with them and she is mortified to be looking for lingerie with her mom. She enjoys reminding her mother how old she is. She has never been in the show a lot but is popping up quite a bit this season. I’m thinking it’s because Ramona felt she needed the back up since we all think she is a raging alcoholic who is being cheated on by her husband.
There is a great tranny helping Sonja with eyelashes and Ramona immediately gets uncomfortable. Ramona is homophobic, and watching Sonja charge her purchase is sad. Sonja is unstable and Ramona needs to spend a couple of hours trapped in an elevator with a bottle of pinot and a fabulous transsexual to get over her fear. I’d like to be there too.
We then head over to Jill who is with Ginger and heading to see Ali, by train, at school. She is bundled up, with perfect hair and makeup, and an array of bags, schlepping onto the train and I love her. No car service, just a train ticket and a scooped out bagel. I dig this chick and the more I like her, the more I think Bethenny is ungrateful and delusional.
Jill gets to Ali and they head out for lunch. Ali is explaining that she is a vegetarian. A vegetarian who happens to eat chicken and white meat turkey. Right. It’s so ridiculous that it’s cute. As they walk into the restaurant, Jill tells her to ask the server if you can be a vegetarian and eat chicken. I love it that she tells Ali to get a second opinion. Hilarious.
Ali looks pretty. She is telling her mom about her classes and Jill is getting the mother of a teenager eye twitch. Ali is explaining a sex class she takes and the twitch begins. Ali tells her she wants to be a sex columnist and Jill tells her she wants her to be happy, and then tells us she does not want her to be a sex columnist. Love it that her instinct is to not squash Ali’s dream.
Sidebar: We all know I think Bethenny Frankel is a liar who is taking advantage of young dumb girls by selling them loads of crap, and she got famous because of Jill. It’s a shame her ego is so big because the best thing she could of done for her little girl was to have a relationship with Jill and learn from her as a mother. Karma is circling back on that one.
Jill and Ali go shopping and it’s fabulous. Ali tries stuff on while Jill sits and tells her if it’s good or horrible. It’s quite funny and reminds me of both me and my mother, and me and my son. They are fun. We then head over to LuAnn who is giving Victoria a driving lesson. I like her too. She is a fun mom and seems to be in tune with her kids.
Some think she is phony and pretentious, putting on an act for the cameras, but at the end of the day her kids love her, and she has a respect for them that I think is appealing and authentic. She laughs with her kids, and her desire to be both a friend and a mother is something we all strive for. She’s doing great, particularly after such a rough year.
Important to note that we are at minute 16 and have not seen Alex or Simon and it is glorious. Proof that those two parasites do not need to come back as they add nothing to this show. Avery meets Ramona for lunch and it’s awkward. Ramona is very competitive with her daughter and it’s gross. She has to one up her on every single thing the poor girl says.
If Avery has a headache, Ramona has a brain tumor. If Avery has a stomachache, Ramona has an ulcer. Avery is busy, but Ramona is busier. It’s disgusting. Avery airs a bunch of dirty laundry about her parents and rather than respond to it, Ramona tells us that her teenager is hormonal. Ramona is so selfish that’s its entertaining. To everyone but Avery I’m sure.
Avery tells us Ramona and Mario are never home, never tell her where they are, and apparently do not make arrangements for her to have dinner as she is waiting for them at 9:30 having not eaten. Ramona tries to look like she gives a crap and brings out a folder marked Avery as if parenting her daughter is another project like wine or jewelry.
She says she knows Avery is taking exams, but Avery tells her the exams are already done and she got her marks already. Ramona is so busy with Ramona, she did not know the PSAT tests were done already? Ramona needs to stay home more and Mario needs to stop banging other chicks and spend time with his daughter. These two suck.
Avery writes a paper for school about her mom and reads it on camera. Really? Avery is securing her trust fund because all implications would be that se has no relationship with her mother. In fact, she just told us that point blank. Ramona is in recovery mode and perhaps trying to establish their relationship so she can dump Mario the dog.
Sonja is trying on costumes for her party and I want to scream. She is pathetic and seriously not thinking about her kid. She looks like a whore, who is high, and talks about all the money she is dropping on clothes when she is in the middle of a bankruptcy. She even tells us she is trying on the lingerie in front of her 10 year old. Why is nobody helping her?
Sonja needs an intervention and rather than focus on being a whore to get attention and feel good about herself, she needs to shut up and pray her kid never sees this show. Ramona shows up and reminds us she is homophobic, meanwhile seeing Sonja at home is a train wreck. She is going to lose her kid and she will have only herself to blame.
Kelly and LuAnn are out for a drink. LuAnn is happy in her relationship and Kelly is looking for one. Kelly is sweet but has a level of immaturity that I don’t get. She is a little odd when it comes to men, dating, and love. I like her though, and hope she meets someone great. She’s had a tough time and needs to meet someone fabulous. She is kooky, and kooky is good.
LuAnn tells her a story about when she met Prince William and he shook her hand. Great story but unless I see a pic, I’m not buying it. LuAnn is fabulous and does not need to take us down memory lane of her time as a Countess. We don’t care and it rings not as pretentious, but simply as a lie. I’m not buying it, but I like her, and she needs to cut the stories.
Sonja’s dog pees on the floor and her friend tells us she pees on herself all the time. Classy. LuAnn goes to hear her new song with creepy music guy who thinks she sounds like Mariah Carey. He’s either high, learning impaired or deaf. Jill comes to hear Chic C’est la Vie for the first time. Jill takes credit for LuAnn’s singing success, which I love.
Jill is giving input on the song and it’s hilarious. Record guy is about to have his head explode from Jill’s input. Poor Jill. She really does want to help people and there is nothing malicious. I would rather be friends with Jill than Bethenny. That said, thinking you know these people and could be their friends based on this show, is crazy talk.
It’s time for Sonja’s party and Mario arrives looking like a pimp. Brian the artist is there and it would appear he plays for both teams. Mario is drooling over all the boobs. It’s now 44 minutes in and we finally see Alex and Simon. Just when I was starting to enjoy myself, I now want to hurl. LuAnn and Jacques are there, not in costume, which is better.
In the middle of the party Simon decides to talk to Jill and goes to Alex to wish him luck. Dear Lord. Simon is a pig, his wife is pathetic, and seeing them makes me sick. Why Bravo? Why? Poor Jill is again accosted at a party and it’s lame. Kelly is talking to Jill and when Simon approaches her, Jill walks away which is awesome, then Bobby steps in.
I love Bobby Zarin. Love him. Simon goes to Jill again and Bobby mediates the conversation. He does not leave Jill’s side while Simon is talking to her and I think it’s so romantic. I want a Bobby Zarin. Simon tells her he is sorry and gets all weepy. He says he is going to stop and wants to move forward. He is a lying sack of crap.
Jill feels the need to defend herself to the camera and tell us again she has changed which is just sad to me. We like you Jill. Changed or not, does not matter. We see you, and it’s all good. This show has crushed her spirit and that’s a drag. Cindy turns up, late like she always does, but in time for Sonja’s show which is about to begin.
Sonja tells us she has royalty at her party and it was serious, yet she is hammered and makes a fool out of herself. I like burlesque and think it’s sexy. The real dancer was fabulous, then it was Sonja’s turn and my eyes started bleeding. Sonja was ridiculous and it was more sad and pathetic than entertaining. Bravo is not helping her, which is unfortunate.
I want Jill to stop defending herself, Sonja to get help, Kelly to get swept off her feet, LuAnn to convert and marry Jacques, Ramona to dump Mario, Alex to get fired, and Cindy to show some interest in even being on this show. I also want Andy Cohen to get some balls and fix what he has broken. Andy should give me a call so I can remind him how to keep it real.
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.2.13 at 7:12 am | I was bored with all the jumping around.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . .
11.25.13 at 11:14 pm | They started off strong, but tonight tanked.
11.25.13 at 9:02 pm | Some of this episode was uncomfortable to watch.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . . (4168)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (3764)
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television. (3528)
July 7, 2011 | 12:27 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I have decided that sharing this video must happen, even though it means I have now publicly admitted that I watch America’s Got Talent. I know you probably all suspected it since I have a reality television addition, but now it’s official. I watch this crap, I am in love with Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr., and I will buy his CD. He is brilliant and a very good reason to tune in each week. Good luck Landau. You are an amazing talent and I hope America votes for you and keeps it real!
July 3, 2011 | 10:30 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
There are no words to express how embarrassed I am that I watch this show. It is horrible, some of the cast are mortifying, and story lines are pathetic. Yet I watch, blog, and secretly love it. By love it of course I mean it’s crack and I can’t stop watching it. It took me 4 days to get through this week’s episode. I started and stopped at least a dozen times which has never happened before. I love writing about this show, but this week was painful. It was the first time I wrote because it’s my job, not because I love it.
This week’s show started off with Ramona planning her own birthday party. She is checking out a venue with Kelly and Alex and I already don’t care. These women are not friends so why would they go together? When they force situations together it’s lame. Ramona and Alex are wearing ridiculous outfits. At what point are they going to realize they are too old for mini skirts and hooker boots? Ramona is making her birthday an event for Sonja too. It will be a joint party, with Sonja’s part being a surprise.
Ramona does not strike me as one who would want to share the spotlight, so this is about showing Sonja how much more Ramona has than her. She talks about how they are like sisters, which is weird because I think her “sister” is sleeping with her husband. Ramona is telling Alex and Kelly about how great they both are for giving her such great energy, then lets us know her party will be better than Avery’s. What? She is trying to outdo her own child’s party? Ramona is selfish and it’s not cool.
Cindy is having a party to launch her self-waxing kit and jeweled decals for your private parts. It’s cute but I think it’s a chick thing and seeing a bow over a man’s penis is not attractive to me. That’s just me though and I’m sure there are chicks who dig a little crystal with their junk. We are at the party and the show takes a turn that is odd. By odd of course I mean disgusting. I have said it before and I will say it again, I like Jill. She is the most authentic, and allows all her gifts and flaws to show. I totally dig her.
The odd part is when Simon goes to Jill and tells her he is not over their tension and wants to have lunch to discuss it. Simon is creepy. He makes my skin crawl and I find watching him uncomfortable. He is a gay man, married to a woman, who thinks he is one of the housewives. Sidebar: If Simon and Alex are still a part of this show next season, I will no longer watch. I can barely stand to watch it now, so making it through another season with these two losers is simply too much of Bravo to ask of me. They are pathetic and need to be fired.
Jill says she will meet with him but he then ends the talk by telling her he will tweet her, which we know is not good coming from Simon. He is horrible on Twitter, mean to everyone, and a pal of Lynn Hudson, who we all know is Satan. Kelly tells Jill she should not go because it’s weird. Jill thinks better of it all and tells Simon she does not think they need to meet. He’s not a housewife and they need to move on. There is nothing to talk about, all is well, and she is good. She is lovely and tells Simon she likes Alex very much, and hopes they can move on.
Simon, who is a bloated drunken mess, then tells her to “watch out”. Does Simon realize he is not a star of this show? Does Simon get that we don’t care about him and the only reason we care about his wife is so we can talk about how we don’t care about her? They have got to go. LuAnn, Kelly and Cindy are telling Jill she did the right thing. Kelly goes to Simon and tells him he has upset Jill, and asks Alex to help the situation out, but instead of trying to fix the problem, Alex leaves with Simon, who by now is threatening Kelly with tweets.
Honestly, Bravo is scraping the bottom of the barrel in trying to find ways to put this couple in a show that does not need them. Why must the audience suffer through this crap? Fire them and we will forgive you. Keep them much longer and we will bail. Simon and Alex leave the party and stop on the street to talk. I assume it’s because the crew is refusing to follow their asses up the street so it needs to happen right there. They are talking to each other because nobody else cares to talk to either of them. They leave, thank goodness.
Over at Sonja’s, she has called a plumber because her toilet is clogged. She is a mess. How is it possible she has no money? Why not sell the house and get something smaller? Why tell all your problems to complete strangers and in front of the cameras? Sonja shoves her hand down the toilet and digs out a blackberry. Really? Who drops a blackberry down the toilet and just leaves it there? The plumber leaves, without getting paid, and she then has a feng shui specialist at the house to help her cleanse the negativity.
There is something we don’t know about her situation. It will all come out in the end, which is a shame since she clearly does not want us to know. Sonja seems like a great lady and I think I would like her in real life. It’s a shame her dirty laundry is out for all to see. The show now takes another turn I just don’t get. If Bravo thinks I am going to believe Jill is painting her own apartment, and that the Countess is going to paint in her boots, they have lost their minds. This is scripted and I’m offended that they think we are so dumb. I’m not watching.
I cannot comment on anything said during the paint party because I simply do not believe it was anything other than a poorly scripted conversation. I pass. Just as the painting ends, and I think I can enjoy the show again, Bravo takes us to Brooklyn. Dear Lord make this stop. Simon asks Alex if she’s mad at him for his fight with Jill. Simon could not be any less appealing as a man. He is behaving like a woman and it’s gross. Alex has to reassure him her relationship with him is more important than Jill. I know want to be knocked unconscious.
They are an odd couple and they need to go. Alex is laughing and I am cringing. They are sucking the life out of this show. If there is a petition anywhere to get them canned then let me know because I will sign it, and if there isn’t, there should be. Ramona’s party has begun and she is excited about her surprise for Sonja. Alex is wearing hideous boots, and Simon looks like a moron. Ramona is trying to get a greeting line together for Sonja and is yelling at everyone involved. Our Ramona is not classy, or sober.
Sidebar: It’s interesting that Ramona insisted Avery invite her and all of her friends to her Sweet 16 birthday party, yet it would appear Avery was not invite to her party. There was booze at both so that’s not it. Ramona is jealous of her own daughter. The artist guy that was painting and banging Sonja is there and kisses her with his arms crossed. Interesting body language. Ramona confronts Jill to see why she was not invited to her underwear thing, and Jill defuses the situation and fixes it. These chicks are not real friends.
Mario leads Sonja and Ramona into the dancing area of the party and shows them a slide show of them all when they were young. What was fascinating is that Ramona included Sonja in the party to get her mind off her troubles and show love, yet she includes her wedding picture. Why show the picture of the one thing now causing her so much pain? It was selfish and mean, but Ramona is selfish and mean so it makes sense. That said, you’ve got to love Ramona because her meanness is Pinot inspired. I love sober Ramona, and adore drunken Ramona.
Cindy is having lunch with Ramona and tells her she does not miss having a man in her life. I like Cindy but she needs to snap out of the mommy bubble because if she is not careful, she will wake up one day, her kids will be grown, and she will be alone because they were her single focus. Cindy is then having lunch with parents and it’s chaotic and sad. She puts the baby in a booster, the baby is sitting comfortably, Cindy says she will not sit there and picks her up. She was sitting nicely, but she felt the need to lift her up. She is an unsure mother, which is sweet.
She calls her office and gets someone to come and help her, which is sad. Rather than give the grandparents a chance to comfort the baby, she calls for back up. I love her parents, I love her, and to be clear, one week with me would whip her into shape. It’s as if she does not trust herself, which I guess is how we all were with our kids, but she does not have the luxury of being young and learning with each child. She is older, has two, and will not have more, so she needs to fast track her comfort level or she will get really old, really fast.
Kelly invites Alex out for breakfast so she can talk to her about how creepy Simon is. Alex makes her “I’m confused “ face which translates to an “I’m constipated” face. Kelly is saying how odd they are and Alex is insisting they are different people and she is not responsible for him. I love Kelly and think Alex is weird. We are dealing with a twat, who is married to a twit, who likes to tweet. Alex is insane if she thinks she is not responsible for what her husband does. It’s the real housewives Alex, and he is not one. You are, for now, so you need to rope him in.
Alex is turning red and Kelly tells her to take a breather because her redness is bothering her. I freaking love Kelly this year. Kelly calls Simon a pageant dad and says Alex is like his 6 year old daughter. Awesome. Alex is confused. Probably because she is so dumb. Next week is the filming of LuAnn’s video, and Sonja invites the girls over for some toaster oven crap. After three days of writing this blog I was certain I was done, but the last 5 minutes sucked me in for another week. Bravo should reward me by canning Simon and Alex, and keeping it real!
June 27, 2011 | 11:04 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
To be clear, I don’t hate her. Hate is too harsh and I don’t know her. I can say however, that the person we are seeing on television, and reading interviews with, makes me want to push her down a flight of stairs. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen of course. Maybe just break both her legs so they can be reset and her unfortunate situation could be repaired.
It would be a win, win. She would get straight legs and I would get the satisfaction of saying I pushed the dumbest woman in America down a flight of stairs. What’s so fascinating about Ashley is that you can substitute “dumbest” for so many other great things. She is also the most insecure, delusional, ridiculous, annoying and most in need of a toothpick and shampoo.
The only thing more annoying on this show than Ashley is Chris Harrison. Dear Lord this guy is useless on this show. I am one minute in and I seriously want to stick my hand down my own throat and remove my own kidney than watch this train wreck. That said, I cannot stop. I am willing a power outage and while the remote is right next to me, I can’t turn it off.
Ashley is talking about how her heart is in the United States with Bentley. Is she high? That’s not a question as much as a statement. Ashley is high. Her fake crying upon hearing that Bentley is there is pathetic. Bentley is a pig who scored a free trip to Hong Kong to see a chick he hates, making him brilliant and reality television perfection. Ashley is a major loser.
Important to note that I am at minute 7 of this crap fest and sitting on my couch with a bottle of wine and only one kidney. Ashley is walking to Bentley’s room and you could park a bus between her legs. She thinks there is a risk she might get hurt by Bentley today. Really? If Ashley were an animal she would need to be put down right because there is no helping her.
Bentley opens the door and she kisses him. Awkward. Bentley is lying and I am cracking up. She says it’s been so hard and he says it has been for him too. Sidebar: If The Bachelorette production budget can afford to fly Bentley to Hong Kong, then why can’t they buy Ashley some Chapstick? I am praying to come across Ashley standing on a staircase. P-R-A-Y-I-N-G.
Bentley is humiliated that he had to do this for the producers, who are clearly smoking crack. They are crazy if they think for one minute we think he wanted to be there, or that she would be able to sit with him without crying. She is a loser, they are losers, and Bentley, who was brilliant, now looks like a loser too. We are the most stupid for watching this crap.
Lucas gets the first on-on-one date. He is a cowboy who is in a big city for the first time. They are on a boat, cruising by the Hong Kong skyline, and she is playing with her bangs and picking her teeth with her tongue. Lucas is divorced and spilling the details of his broken heart and it’s simply not attractive. He needs to go home, but the skank gives him a rose.
It’s group date time and they are dragon boat racing. Ames and Mickey, against twins Constantine and Ben, against Ryan and Blake. This date pushed the lame envelope to the limit. I tend to fantasize when watching this show and for this particular episode it was of Godzilla coming up from the water and eating Ashley, then spitting her out in disgust, after eating only her legs.
It’s group dinner, minute 48, and Ashley has said the name Bentley over 40 times. She is going off to be alone with Ames and her legs are killing me. I hope she dumps him and he is the next Bachelor. Of course if he keeps kissing her he will be tainted with her stupidity and I will fall out of love with him. He is so sweet and incredibly smart, but painfully dumb.
She ends her kissing with Ames by kissing Ben. She then goes off with Ryan. The men are bagging on Ryan and hoping he gets the boot, but instead he gets a rose and everyone threatens to leave. Dear God, please make my power go out from now until 10:00 pm PST. Oh and one more thing, let my kidney be okay until I can get to the hospital just after 10:00 pm PST.
JP is on his one-on-one dinner date. I think he is so great but cannot figure out why he digs her. He’s too cute to be with someone so dumb. He is telling her he likes her and she just keeps on eating her dinner, picking her teeth with her tongue, puckering her dry and crusty lips, and playing with her bangs. Does Godzilla ever go into the city and search parks for victims?
Skank tells JP that she spoke with Bentley. He is surprised, but a total mensch. I love Jewish boys. She is going on and on about how hard it was when Bentley left, and I am screaming at my television for Ashley to shut up. Seriously, SHUT UP. Why won’t she stop talking? She wants to be 100% honest with him so that he knows everything that is going on with her.
Is she mentally challenged? Does she not realize that he is going to watch the show and see that she was a pathetic loser who was in love with someone after 5 minutes, and talking about his leaving like she was going to die? Really Ashley? Run JP. Run away from this girl. You deserve better and should start praying this is the last rose she gives you. Pray!
It’s the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, and Ashley is going to tell them all Bentley came to Hong Kong. She is certain they will all react like JP did. She tells them, they are pissed, I’m on my 3rd glass of wine and want to cut myself. Lucas is pissed and I love him for speaking his mind. Blake is pissed and Ryan goes over to kiss her ass and pretend he is cool with it all.
She tells Ames and he is lovely but she does not understand what he is saying because she is too busy trying to look contemplative, but instead looking constipated. Lucas has a rose but he wants to bail. Blake is pissed, then she starts fake crying and playing with her bangs and he feels bad. I am now pulling out my teeth with pliers. One at a time, starting in the back.
Mickey is ticked off and thinks he should go home if she was into Bentley. He asks her to please send him home. She tells him to be a man and just go, so he does. Awesome. Lucas is a pussy and stays after he said he would bail. She is sniffing and crying but there are no tears. Where are the tears Ashley? I’m thinking she fakes more than just crying.
Ashley is crying to Chris Harrison and her right eyelash looks like it’s going to fall off which would be great. Chris is rambling on and on and I am now hoping I see him on some stairs too. I am pouring another glass of wine and the cats are now eating my kidney, which has fallen onto the floor. I’ve been focused on her legs and just noticed tonight that she has no upper lip.
It’s the rose ceremony and only one will go home since Mickey bailed. The dramatic music is making me sick. The final rose goes to Ames, which is good because the longer he stays around the better his chances are of being the next Bachelor. Dentist Blake is going home and appears to be surprised. He’s talking about Bentley too, which makes me want to vomit.
Blake says he is looking for a friend and leaves sounding like a moron. It’s down to six and they are moving on to Taiwan. Then they go to Fiji for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever! There is crying, and her heart is broken, and we are all going to want to impale ourselves. Sadly, we are addicts so there’s no going back. All we can do is watch, and keep it real.
June 27, 2011 | 12:13 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I have not written about the ladies of New Jersey for a couple of weeks because frankly, they are boring and predictable. It was filmed so long ago we already know the outcome of all the fights so who cares? These chicks are not that entertaining, which makes me wonder why the hell I’m watching.
The show starts with Teresa and Melissa hashing out all their crap. I like Melissa and think she is the one telling more truths in general, but I feel for Teresa because she is trying. It is clearly fake, but she is trying so bless her. Her life is falling apart and she wants a relationship with her brother.
It may just be to ask for money, but whatever, family is family. Teresa is playing to the camera on some level, but she is sad in general so perhaps it’s just desperation we are seeing. At the end of the day I think the love fest is going to be short lived, which is harder than never having it.
Sidebar: Who wears this much make up in real life? It’s fascinating that even in the middle of the day, they have on the makeup of whores. Important to note, it’s not classy whores, but rather cheap whores who will go behind a dumpster for a quarter. Take it down a notch girls.
For the record, the only reason I know of these whores is from Cops reruns in the middle of the night. I also feel the need to say that Jacqueline is a hot mess. She always has a chunk of hair out of place, her eye makeup is never even, and her lipstick is always the wrong shade. Sad.
Melissa is getting ready to go to her daughter’s dance recital, while Teresa, Jacqueline and Caroline are headed to the Catskills for a weekend of “fun”, and Kathy is thinking about opening a restaurant for her deserts. Kathy’s husband Rich is incredibly sweet, but oddly creepy.
The house upstate is, for this vegetarian, disgusting. Dead animals hanging everywhere, guns to kill more animals, and I’m feeling sick. There appears to be 100 people in the house and they are all getting wasted, playing with guns, and talking about blow jobs. This is a classy, classy bunch.
Kathy and Rich are looking at restaurant spaces and I’m bored. Back in the Catskills, Teresa and Joe are dry humping and for some reason Bravo thinks we want to see it. When they show us a dead pig getting ready to be cooked, I’m wishing they would go back to the dry humping.
Caroline arrives and she is a stick in the mud. I normally love her, but in this episode she is a drag. She tells her kids they cannot ride the quads because they are dangerous. Her twenty something boys have to listen to mommy. Their wives are going to need to wipes their asses.
The men are shooting and rising quads, while the women go into town. This may in fact be the most boring episode in a series of boring episodes. Teresa looks ridiculous in her Eskimo outfit and it is mind boggling that both Teresa and Joe have no budget for Christmas shopping. Morons.
Melissa and Joe and getting ready to leave, Joe is hitting on his wife, and she appears to be repulsed. I don’t get it. She talks a lot about how much she loves him, yet whenever he tries to touch her, she looks like she might hurl. The mixed messages are exhausting.
They are eating roasted pig and lamb and I am grossed out and skipping it. I don’t know what they are saying over dinner for real, so I will just guess: Blah, blah, we are boring, blah, blah, my make-up looks like a whore, blah, blah, I need to drink so I won’t kill myself.
It’s time for the dance recital and Melissa invited Joe’s mom, which is nice. Antonia the grandmother comes and it’s sad. Joe is so sweet with her, dancing, and hugging her, and loving her. I feel bad for him and as a mother it hurts me to see his pain.
The recital is the most entertaining part of the entire super-sized episode and I am not ashamed to tell you I rewinded it and watched it twice. Loved it. Little Antonia is adorable and when her Grandma hugs her, and they show Joe’s face, it made me sad. By sad of course I mean I cried.
The Italians from Jersey are headed into a Deliverance bar and Teresa lets us know 5th Avenue has “inraided” the Catskills. The new chick Delores is there, and she looks like a monkey. Caroline is sipping a shot. She is an old lady. Teresa is drunk and acting a little skanky.
This hour and fifteen minutes of wasted time ends with a visit to the chapel that is built on the property. Lovely but weird, Jacqueline is disrespectful, and Caroline appears to never brush her hair. They all pray to Saint Michael. If he can get this show cancelled, I will keep the faith!
June 24, 2011 | 11:08 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
We start this week’s addictive train wreck with Ramona, who is planning Avery’s Sweet 16 party. Avery is a beautiful girl but one immediately wonders why, with all the money spent on a private school education, she says “like” every other word, making her sound like an idiot.
Over to LuAnn, she is planning Victoria’s Sweet 16. Countless tells us that she did not have a Sweet 16 herself and is vicariously living through her daughter. She also makes a point to tell us how grateful Victoria is. I like LuAnn and immediately think her party will be better.
Back to Ramona, we find out she didn’t have one either, but lovely Avery starts yelling at her mother, talking to her like she is an idiot, in front of the party planners. Nice. Victoria on the other hand, is mellow and classy, although it seems that maybe she would have preferred a Hampton’s party.
Avery is listening to the ideas of the party planner and she is pissed off. The planner is making suggestions and Avery looks like she is going to pull a Carrie prom meltdown and start closing doors with her eyes and killing people. She says the planner’s idea sound like a Bat Mitzvah.
One could argue she is simply stating she does not want it to be a young kid’s party because she is not 13. Or, one could take a big juicy leap and say the daughter of the “True Faith” moneymaking machine is not going to be embarrassed by stupid Jewish crap.
Judging by Ramona’s reaction it’s hard to tell. She looks like she could have been embarrassed by Avery’s comment, of perhaps it was a look of approval and she was not going to approve any kind of a Jew vibe either. At the end of the day who cares? This show is insane and I love it.
LuAnn is sweet with Victoria and Victoria is simply a lovely girl. It’s probably all the drugs of the privileged. Avery is being a complete bitch and I can smell how ungrateful she is through the television. Enough with the party for now, let’s go over to Jill who is having a “liquid face lift”.
Sonja joins in to see the procedure happen, which is odd, but the true reason she is invited is so Jill, who has her attorney sister there, thinks she can help Sonja with her bankruptcy issues. A lot of people don’t like Jill but I do. She is the most authentic one of the bunch.
Sonja is telling Jill and Lisa what happened and they are very supportive of her, not judgmental. They are good people and are simply trying to help Sonja who is so painfully stupid that I feel for her. She needs a real lawyer and Jill was kind. I hope Sonja listens but I’m thinking she won’t.
Jill is having her procedure and I want to be sick. It looks painful and horrible and I’m quite certain that I could never do it. Seriously. As we are watching this weeks show, the ladies are with Andy taping the reunion show and the tweets are interesting. There are clearly two camps.
It’s Jill’s birthday and LuAnn is throwing her a surprise party. Cindy is there with her hot brother, along with Ramona and Mario. Then we see Alex and Simon. The sight of them makes me sick and I start laughing at them. Simon is wearing a dress that I simply do not understand.
Sidebar: The last time we saw LuAnn and Alex together, LuAnn was attacked by Alex and walked out, yet Alex walks in they do the double kiss, happy to see each other. Really? This show is scripted and needs a new writer who is better with continuity, and will write out Alex.
Ramona finds out Avery’s party is the same night at Victoria’s. Ramona is crazy. She is immediately in a competition and tries to one up LuAnn. Luann tells her the party is small and Ramona tells her Avery has over 200 friends. No she doesn’t Ramona. Shut up.
Everyone arrives just in time for Jill to be surprised. LuAnn worked hard to let Bravo work hard to pull off this party and the second Jill walks in Ramona runs over as if it was her doing. Ramona is a drunk and I love her. By love her of course I mean her husband is cheating.
I don’t love Ramona but I do think she is great television. If you need proof this show is completely fake, Jill says, of her “surprise”, she was shocked to see everyone at the party and she was choked up, but she expected no less from LuAnn. Really? A surprise?
Jill is excited and Ramona immediately tells the cameras the party sucked. It was claustrophobic and she never would have done it there. Have a drink Ramona. The housewives get up to toast Jill and it’s just weird. Kelly is not talking about Jill, but her being late.
Bobby loves Jill and tells her. Ramona is on her cell phone and it’s rude. She then puts on a red wig and starts being an ass. Alex stands up to point attention to the ass. Then Luann comes down to do a performance and Ramona thinks it’s a drag queen.
LuAnn’s performance is fabulous. LuAnn can’t sing but she really believes she can, which makes her entertaining and almost good. The editing on this show sucks. They appear to be jumping all over the place in terms of where people are and what they say.
The party is over and we are back to being Sweet 16. Victoria is shopping for a dress and LuAnn is gently guiding her. Victoria picks her dress and it’s very pretty. LuAnn let’s her have what she wants but is concerned with the length. I totally dig LuAnn.
We are over at Alex and Simone’s and he is going to quit smoking. Again. Simon is repulsive. I’m sure he is lovely, but not to me. By lovely of course I mean creepy. They have a hypnotherapist over to help him stop with the cigarettes.
It’s funny because the guy is there to help him stop and he says he needs to smoke one more because it’s part of his quitting process. Enough with these two. They are ruining the fun of this show with their boring storyline and Alex is a horrible actress.
Avery arrives at her party and she loves it. Ramona is worried about the décor as there are beds and Mario is conservative. Is he conservative when he sleeps with her friends? These people are showing what they are told to show and all reality is gone.
Victoria’s party has all her friends with a few adults sprinkled in. It is one party. Ramona’s is two parties, one for Avery and one for Ramona. I feel bad for Avery and now I understand her saying like is a nervous stutter from having to compete with her mom.
All the ladies visit both parties, except for Sonja who blows off LuAnn. Ramona remembered to get lots of wine for her party, but failed to get napkins. Ramona is certain she did not create a club because that would send mixed messages to her underage child.
The fact that there is booze, and beds, is not mixed messages? Avery is upset her mom is invading her space and it’s sad. Ramona is out of control and we are reminded Kelly is ballsy and Jill is authentic, while Ramona is fake and Sonja is a hot mess.
Bobby talks to Simon about what I am guessing is Lynn Hudson’s “I hate Jill Zarin” blog and Simon says he has nothing to do with it which we know is not true. Lynn Hudson is a cyber bully who lives in a delusional world where she thinks she is friends with the ladies.
The more we see this show the more we see there are good, bad, and ugly. Jill is good, Ramona is bad, and Alex is ugly. This show needs a kick in the ass. Get rid of Alex, focus more on Cindy, and get Sonja laid so she is not so bitchy. Maybe all that can keep it real.
June 20, 2011 | 11:58 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
It’s Monday night, which means I am home with a bottle of wine, questioning my sanity as I watch the dumbest show on television. I seriously need help because I cannot stop watching this crap fest and find myself increasingly obsessed with how bowlegged Ashley is. I’m also curious about what the hell Chris Harrison is doing on this show. He is a serious waste of money.
Ashley and her fame whores are in Thailand. We start the show with her walking in ridiculous shoes and a dress so short we are able to see her leg deformity. She is talking about Bentley. Dear Lord it’s pathetic that she keeps talking about him, but we know he is back this week and I am excited. Bentley makes good television and he should get his own show.
Thailand is spectacular and she is on a one-on-one date with Ben F. She is annoying and her spray tan is orange. Her legs are neon against her while skirt, and her talking is like nails on a chalkboard. She may be the most annoying person on television. By maybe of course I mean I hope she gets hit by a runaway elephant. Too harsh? Not a chance.
Ben F. and Ashley are having dinner and hearing Ashley talk like she planned it makes me want to impale myself. Shut up Ashley. Dinner is gorgeous and Ben F. is adorable, but Ashley is picking her teeth with her tongue again and I want to slap her. Just when I think I will scream she starts scratching her head again. They need to get her a toothpick and some shampoo.
It’s group date time and they are going to do Thai boxing of some kind. The men are working out, sweating, flexing and if you mute the sound, you don’t have to listen to Ashley’s fake laugh which is awesome. They go to a ring where they are now going to actually fight. It’s lame but I must say the guys being a little scared was kind of entertaining. It could just be my wine.
The guys are paired off to spar and are really hitting each other. Blake beats Lucas. JP clobbers Mickey. Sidebar: JP is a Jew from Long Island? (He just got cuter.) Ryan pulverizes Ames. Constantine beat Nick but we miss it because Ames has been taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Ames is a lovely man and I now want him to be the next Bachelor.
It’s cocktail time and it appears that Ashley has no eyebrows and they are painted on. Plus her dress is too short. Ames joins in and he may be the sweetest man on the planet. He is seriously hurt with a concussion, he is confused, a little off and I love him. He deserves better than Ashley. Most of these men, even the losers, deserve better than Ashley.
Ashley gives the group date rose to Blake the dentist which is ridiculous. It totally should have gone to Ames who was a gentleman and got a concussion over hitting someone. Ashley is a stupid bitch. Oh. My. God. Did I just write that? My delete button is stuck and I can’t delete it. I’m trying. Oh well, it will just need to stay as a part of the blog I guess.
William and Ben C. are on a two-on-one date and one of them will end up going home. I want to go to Thailand. William the cell phone guy who trashed her at the roast tells Ashley that Ben C. is not into her and hoping to bang lots of chicks when he gets home. William is a weasel and without even asking him about what William says, she sends Ben C. home.
Ashley dumps him and goes on and on about her insecurities and it’s lame. No hug, no thanks, just a get lost. Then she goes on an elephant ride with William and sadly neither of them is trampled. William is at dinner with Ashley and the beauty of Thailand is wasted on these losers. By losers of course I mean total and complete freaking losers.
Ashley then sends William home, which is good because he’s a child and the play date is over. He calls himself a loser, which is awesome. He whines about what a jackass he is and that he is going home to nothing. He says he wants to crawl into bed and not ever wake up. Really? He’s pulling the “I can’t go on card” over Ashley? Dear Lord. This show sucks ass.
Ashley announces that she needs closure with Bentley before she can move forward. There is a thunder storm which adds to the drama and causes her legs to become even more warped from the damp air, and I have now finished the bottle of wine and am not sure how to get through the final few minutes. If it were not for Bentley coming back I think I would puke.
Ashley is having a conversation with Chris Harrison about Bentley and all I want to do is pull her hair. Chris Harrison is useless and tells her he will work on getting Bentley there so she can get closure, and the blatant scripting of this show is painful to watch. Ashley is a moron, Chris Harrison is a putz, and I feel bad for the schmucks who are still there.
We are now at the rose ceremony and no Bentley. Are they f’ing kidding me? We watched this crap for two hours and we don’t get Bentley until next week? I might have to boycott ABC over this &%$! Nick goes home but who cares? Where the hell is Bentley? I hate this show. I will be back next week but let’s be clear, I hate it, and THAT is keeping it real.
June 16, 2011 | 10:33 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
The ladies are back from Morocco and I’m glad because it’s when they are home that they are their most entertaining. Every week I say this show should be cancelled, and every week I watch it, love it, blog it, and wait for the next one. I’d be better off shooting heroin than watching this crap.
We start off with Ramona planning a sexy night at home for Mario. She is sprinkling rose petals and wearing lingerie with chocolate covered strawberries and champagne waiting for him. She is ready and waiting. And waiting. And Waiting. Then Sir. Douchebag Mario finally gets home.
While we were waiting for him, Bravo decides we will pop over to see Alex and Simon. We are at minute two and my eyes are bleeding. Watching this couple makes me physically ill. I cannot stand her laughing and his flirting is making my eye twitch. Alex and her gay husband are too much.
Just as I begin to vomit, we are back with Mario and Ramona. Sidebar: Why are there fire drill instructions on their bedroom door? Important to note that between Morocco and this taping, Ramona has had her lips done and looks like a duck and it’s rather unfortunate looking.
Ramona tells Mario about the fortuneteller and he lets her know the only other woman in his life is their daughter Avery. It is quite possibly the most unconvincing declaration I have ever seen. I’m not saying he’s a liar, just that I’m not buying it. Maybe it’s not a woman he is cheating with?
Back with Simon and Alex, he gives per panties and lingerie as a gift and sadly we are forced to watch the fashion show. Alex leads her gay husband off for what I imagine is unsatisfying sex. I am left on the couch vomiting with my eyes bleeding. This is not good porn. Why Bravo?
Ramona is massaging Mario and puts oil on as he sits in an uncomfortable chair, in an odd position. I am watching and seriously considering taking my own life. By taking my own life of course I mean do heroin. Bravo knows I won’t turn it off which is disrespectful to my addiction.
We finally leave the gay porn convention and meet up with Cindy. Sidebar: Her brother Howard is yummy. Cindy is showing Howard and her assistant pictures from Morocco, only to discover Sonja has not taken any of her. Mrs. Morgan has purposely not taken any pics of Cindy.
I get that Sonja was upset in Morocco, and wanted to hurt Cindy, but this is just selfish, stupid and mean. If I were Cindy I would want revenge. Cindy is the gown up of the group and it’s a drag because a mean girl response would be perfect but Cindy is too classy to give us one. Damn it.
Sonja is at the dermatologist with her niece and her flirting with him is painful to watch. We learn that Sonja has filed for bankruptcy and that she does not cut the tags off of her clothes so she can remember the sale price she got. Sonja is kooky, and full of a little crap, but I feel bad for her.
Of course Jill judges her, which is too bad. I love Jill but I wish she could control herself more. She is with Bobby to pick out suits and it’s cute. I think Bobby Zarin is lovely and I like his wife. It’s a shame she keeps getting in her own way. People need to give her a shot. She’s fabulous.
LuAnn is with Jacques for dinner and they are cute. LuAnn is more of a Countess now that she has dumped the Count. She is gorgeous and strong and I like her. She is classy and watching her in love is quite sweet. I like her much more being Countless and with Frenchy.
Jill is having the ladies over to see her new shape wear line and has decided to not include Ramona because she is bad for business. Agreed. Sonja comes in and she looks so fragile that I just want to hug her. Alex brings up the bankruptcy and looks constipated as she talks to Sonja.
Jill is judging once again and Sonja cannot answer the questions Jill is throwing at her. Sonja is naïve, and uneducated. She married well, lost her marriage, and in an attempt to make a living for herself and her child, she made mistakes. We’ve all done it, just at different levels.
Jill does her focus group, without Ramona, which I get, but blaming Ramona for losing the Kodak deal is harsh. By harsh of course I mean not buying it. Her product is pretty and I’ll buy it and actually use it, unlike Skinny Girl Margaritas, which sucks, and I use to clean my toilet.
Alex meets Ramona and tells her all about Jill’s thing and how she did not invite her. Alex is annoying. I never understood why she was on the show to begin with and that she is still here is nauseating. Literally. I keep flashing back to her sex scene and I’m going to hurl.
We only see Kelly for a minute this week, but she is fabulous. She is taking her Christmas card picture with the girls. Who knew I would like her so much? She is cute with her kids. Sidebar: Can someone tell me if the photographer was a man or a woman?
Sonja is at Ramona’s and has never looked prettier. She appears soft and broken, which has made her look young and vulnerable. Ramona is trying to be sweet but it comes across as annoying but sincere. I wish Sonja well and hope she can keep her home.
LuAnn has met Alex for coffee to discuss Morocco. Was it just me or did anyone else watch this scene and start fantasizing about throwing things at Alex? I seriously had an out of body experience where Alex was talking to LuAnn and I am pummeling her with tomatoes.
LuAnn is a lady and Alex is not. Please get her off this show. Alex is unfortunate looking and has no business being on television. That she is getting paid to be on this show is sad. She is going on and on, being a crazy bitch and I’m getting tomatoes from the kitchen.
LuAnn tells her she thought it was going to be a meeting to apologize for Morocco and Alex says that impression shows LuAnn is delusional. This coming from the woman who is married to a gay man. Andy Cohen needs to dump her bony ass. We are over her.
This show keeps getting worse which sadly makes it better. Next week looks fabulous. I think LuAnn came out the winner and Alex came out the loser. If Simon comes out they will get their own show for sure. The best thing for Alex would be for her husband to keep it real.