December 19, 2011 | 10:51 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills RECAP – Uncensored

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Let me begin by saying this show made me sick tonight.  I am sick of these incredibly self-centered, and ridiculous women.  A man is dead, three children have lost their father, and in my opinion all the RHOBH have a little blood on their hands.  Shame on Bravo for airing this crap fest.  At what point will Bravo take responsibility for the insanity and pull this show? When will they stop treating their loyal viewers like idiots?

We start off this trip to hell with Adrienne gossiping to her husband about Camille so we are all brought up to speed.  Russell was never going to sue Camille and he was never going to sue anyone.  If Camille was so upset about an email from Russell, she should have stayed home.  If they are all so worried about the safety of Taylor, then why uninvite her to the party and potentially put her at risk with her abusive husband?

In the one fun scene during this train wreck, we meet the band for Pandora’s wedding.  Lisa dancing with the wedding planner is cute, Lisa crying into Jiggy is adorable, Lisa wiping her tears on Pandora’s sweater is hilarious, and the bald singer who sings in Spanish is gorgeous. I’m laughing and thinking it’s not going to be so bad, and then it’s over.  The next scene is with Kyle and there is simply nothing appealing about this horrific woman.

Over at Kyle’s, she is getting ready for the party and gets a call from super bored Adrienne, who is stirring the pot. She says Camille “just got” an email from Russell threatening to sue.  Really?  I find it hard to believe Russell sent the email from his trip to Vegas with Taylor.  Adrienne causes all the problems by calling Kyle to say she is not coming, then says she is coming, but might leave early.  Adrienne is out of control.

Kim is having dinner with two of her older kids and they are all laughing at the fact that one of them took too much nighttime cold medicine and fell asleep in the shower.  It’s sad that Kim thought it was funny, however you could see her make a mental note to try it.  The entire exchange with Kim and her kids is awkward.  They obviously do not like her mom’s boyfriend Ken, and it’s weird because clearly we are not getting the full story.

The White Party is beginning and the gang is arriving.  If Kyle did not have such a selfish soul she’d be beautiful.  Brandi comes, without a bra, and looks fabulous.  They went from almost throwing blows last week, to Kyle not wanting to uninvite her.  Really?  She won’t uninvite Brandi who she hates, but will uninvite Taylor who is supposed to be her good friend? Camille should have stayed home. Her coming was the beginning of the end.

Lisa is talking to Kyle and no matter what Lisa says, Kyle makes it about her. What about me?  What about me?  We are supposed to believe Kyle could not reach Taylor by phone?  That is a crock of crap and everyone knows it. Bravo housewives fans might be fanatical and crazy, but they are not idiots. Well, there are quite a few idiots, but overall we not stupid, and we are not buying this imaginary tale.  The writers of this should be fired.

Are these pathetic losers seriously concerned that they are going to get sued by Russell?  Lisa is trying to be compassionate toward Taylor after her weekend together, and Kyle is making it about her.  Again.  What about Kyle and her friendship with Taylor?  Lisa wants to call Taylor and tell her not to come, to avoid any embarrassment, but she can’t reach her.  I want to shove Kyle into a pool of mud in her beautiful white dress.

Kim arrives and she is clearly not herself.  By not herself of course I wean she is high.  Not mellow pot high, but brutal using high.  She is coughing all over Lisa and it’s disgusting.  Kim is a mess and should have been forced from this show immediately.  I cannot stand watching her and find her completely painful.  Everyone seems to have an opinion about Ken, yet everyone says they don’t know him.  It makes no sense.

Dana is there and completely a waste of space. She needs to not be on this show.  Everything about her is silly and a waste of my time.  Kim is still annoyed with Brandi and there is a fight brewing. Kim approaches Brandi and is confrontational, rude, abrasive, and insane.  Brandi handles herself with class and dignity and I like her more each week. Kim insists Kyle is not a bitch, which is proof her drugs make her delusional.

Sidebar:  Was Brandi’s friend the house manager Jennifer Gimenez from Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew?  We never really got a look at her face, but it looked like her.  I love her.  We then cut to Russell and Taylor in the limo ride over and it is shocking.  Taylor is telling him she loves him, and kissing him, and they look like a happy couple.  It’s the strangest scene ever and incredibly unnerving.  I feel so bad for Russell and his family.

It is heartbreaking to see Russell because he seems to have no idea about the crap Taylor has been saying about him.  She clearly was not telling him anything about her stories.  I think we can safely assume this man was not an angel, but I honestly think she pushed him to the limit with her lies. How could he recover from the picture she had painted of him?  How do you come back from hell with the devil living in your house?

Russell and Taylor get to Kyle’s and she runs out with her posse to confront Taylor.  She is fake crying and trying to crack her voice and it’s pathetic. Taylor is in shock and Russell is standing there not sure what is happening. We are watching Taylor getting caught in her web of lies and I can’t help but feel bad for Russell.  He looks ambushed.  He responded to a rumor from Camille and is unaware the rumor was actually from Taylor.

It is a horrible scene.  Everyone is ganging up on Russell and it is so uncomfortable.  Taylor and Russell leave and Kyle runs after them fake crying.  Russell assures her it’s fine and they want to go.  Adrienne is being a busybody and Taylor is correct in saying that Camille should have simply stayed home.  Taylor’s lies are unraveling and you can see her fear.  She looks oddly at peace and it’s very unsettling.

After an hour of watching this slow and painful train ride through hell, I am torn between wanting to take a shower to get the gross off of me, and wanting to go and put flowers on Russell’s grave.  I am seriously surprised and puzzled by so many things this week I don’t know what to do.  Here are my top ten questions from this week’s show, which I am sharing in the hopes that my readers might have some answers for me.

1) Why does Adrienne never brush her hair?
2) Does Adrienne think it is 1986?
3) Is Paul Nassif a little person?
4) Was watching Dana feel up Kim necessary?
5) How old is Jiggy?
6) How long after the White Party did Russell die?
7) Is Adrienne’s stylist blind?
8) Why do we watch this show?
9) Why did Camille go to the party?
10) When will this crapfest be over?

I think the ladies of Atlanta are out of control with their fighting, hating and whoring, and I’m not sure how the new seasons of Orange County and New York will look, but I am certain that the ladies of Beverly Hills should only come back if they are going to get a new cast.  I would like to see Brandi and Lisa return, and all the others need to get canned so we can start fresh.  That ‘s the only shot in hell Bravo has to keep it real.

December 19, 2011 | 12:56 pm

Real Housewives of Atlanta RECAP

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start this week with Sheree and Phaedra.  Sheree is unhappy with Phaedra’s legal moves and is not very good at hiding her inner witch.  Phaedra is classy, does not get upset, and returns Sheree’s retainer and wishes her well.  Phaedra is a lady and Sheree is an immature baby.

Phaedra is annoyed she never got her retainer until the last minute, but I recall Phaedra telling Sheree she would not charge her.  Sheree is complaining it’s not worth all the trouble for $100.00.  Really?  I bet her kids would like an extra hundred bucks every month. Selfish.

Over at Kim’s she is getting ready to move and she is super annoying.  I really dig Kroy, but Kim is too much.  I don’t think she is particularly entertaining, but there is something compelling.  Her new show will unravel her life and it is too bad she is selling her soul to the reality devil.

Cynthia is hosting an art event and it’s hilarious to see exactly how uneducated these women are.  Sheree says she loves abstract art.  The first art word she could find in the dictionary.  Over with NeNe, she is not a fan of art but thinks 24K is not a bad price.

I love NeNe and think she is the best part of this show, but girlfriend needs to put on a bra.  Cynthia thinks having Marlo, the transvestite hooker, at her event is a seal of approval from Atlanta’s high society.  Cynthia seriously needs to just stop talking. Darling Cynthia, shhhhhhhhh.

Sidebar:  What exactly is the word “AXSTD”?  I am so sick of hearing these women mispronounce the work “ ASKED”.  Can someone please clarify if that is a Southern thing, or simply a moron thing?  Whatever it is, it needs to stop because it makes you sound ridiculous when you say it.

Cynthia and Peter are getting their pictures taken for a “power couple” photo shoot.  Really?  Is she kidding?  Power couple?  Cynthia is getting her makeup done and Peter says he is ready to go.  Cynthia shows Peter the invitation to her agency opening and he immediately bags on it.

He is simply not nice to her.  He is mean and jealous and condescending. She responds to him like a child.  They are irritating to watch.  He is unpleasant and she is too stupid for me to follow with any great interest.  She is begging him for help and he wants nothing to do with her.

Kim is moving and each minute we see this woman is a reminder we should not watch her new show.  Her voice grates on me the same way Sammi from the Jersey Shore irritates me when she calls for Ron. The trip through memory lane of Kim’s townhouse is a waste of time.

Over at NeNe’s, her son Bryson is with her.  He has cut his hair and now looks like a lovely young man. He is a big kid and while he has been a little bit of trouble for NeNe, he seems better now and I like that she has stuck by him through his troubles.  They are funny together.

NeNe is talking to him about sex and good for her.  They are open with each other and it’s sweet.  I hope he finds his way and gets on a career path.  NeNe is good television and it seems like she is not on the show much these days.  That is a shame, and mistake in my opinion.

Kim and the family arrive at their new house and get a tour.  It’s very big and very beautiful.  The main decorating theme is Kim.  There are pictures of her all around the house and it’s a little creepy.  I like how Kim calls everyone Love, but it’s not enough to watch her show.

To clarify, when I say I am not watching her new show, I am totally going to watch her show.  I will watch, and blog, and it will be good.  That said, it will be work, not fun.  I watch a lot of reality television for fun and very little for work.  This one is going to be painful, therefore work not fun.

We see a scene where Kim needs to pump her breasts.  She is on the freeway pumping, while her daughter steers the wheel from the passenger side of the car.  Really?  This is a disgusting display of bad parenting and she could have killed her kids with such recklessness.

Kim is not the first woman to have a baby and her whining and bad choices are out of control.  She is on the fast track to becoming Bethenny, who got her own show and became so unappealing we lost interest.  I can handle Kim in small doses, but not another Bethenny.

Kandi is talking to Jo Dee Messina and it’s awkward.  Kandi is talented but her whoring herself out to make a dollar is just sad.  Vibrators, country music, a clothing store?  Instead of rushing to create an empire, pick a lane and stay in it.  She is all over the place, and a mess.

Cynthia is getting ready for her opening and says she is under pressure because people don’t look at models as being good “business peeper”.  This woman is insanely beautiful.  That’s it.  That’s not all I have to say, just all she is.  Bless her.  Her sister comes over and she is crying again.

If the opening of her business was so important, why was she not there on time?  She should have been there first, welcoming people.  Instead she is whining nobody is there, but even she is not there.  Someone needs to help this girl out and it’s not Peter.  She needs to dump him.

Cynthia finally arrives and is relieved to see people have turned up. Peter is a dick, Kandi is a troublemaker, and Sheree wants us to think there is yet another air conditioning problem in Atlanta, when really it may just be her menopause kicking in, as she’s the only one sweating.

Kim arrives to the party and is immediately accosted by Marlo.  Kim tells us Marlo sleeps with men for money, and is disgusted by the thought.  Too funny.  Pot, meet kettle.  NeNe arrives, looks fabulous, and it’s the first time Kim and NeNe have been in the same place for a very long time.

They are ignoring each other, which is fine because we are focused on Marlo and Kandi.  Marlo is trying to get as much screen time as he is able, and Kandi is calling him out on his crap.  Kandi is a troublemaker.  For someone trying to make America love her, she is not very nice.

Marlo is accusing Kandi of being a Sugar Momma, and saying she has no Big Poppa, which is putting Kim over the edge.  Kim has had it and leaves.  She acts like she is too good for the show that made her, and has moved beyond the women.  She is just like Bethenny and it’s gross.

Kandi is not letting it go and Marlo admits she dates wealthy men and they give her things.  It’s exhausting to watch these women.  None of them are really friends and they are not good enough actresses to make us believe they are.  The night ends with the complete humiliation of Cynthia.

She gets up to speak and thank people.  Her speaking skills are horrible, but that’s not the humiliating part.  She calls up Peter to thank him and share her moment but he’s not there.  He bailed and left her alone.  He is a pig who is going to lose his super hot wife any moment.

I like these women.  Well I like some of them, and others scare the crap out of me.  Their fighting and fake friendships are exhausting and they need to get back to the fun.  I never thought I’d say this, but I’m excited for the return of the ladies of OC.  Time for them to not keep it real.

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December 14, 2011 | 9:12 am

Real Housewives of Atlanta Tuesday Night Bonus RECAP

Posted by Ilana Angel

It’s a bonus episode of the ladies of Atlanta and I am not ashamed to say HOORAY!  I dig these chicks and even though some of them are annoying, they are the most fun to watch of all the housewives train wrecks.  We are taking babies home and heading into court so let the recap begin!

Sheree gets served with papers from her ex Bob.  He wants to not only continue to not pay child support, but also keep her in court for years with some crazy civil lawsuit.  Bob Whitfield is a douchelord, Sheree is freaked out, and Phaedra is simply fabulous, calm, and ready to put Bob in jail.

Sheree has not received child support in three years, yet she is not willing to have Bob arrested.  She is complaining about how unfair the court system is, but when given an option to have the upper hand, she does not want it.  I get that arresting the father of her children is sad, but come on Sheree.

I feel for Sheree, but if she does not want to take control of the situation, she needs to stop complaining about it.  Don’t play the poor me I have no money card, then pretend to build a chateau, and not do anything to get the money owed you.  Bob is a pig, but Sheree is a doormat.  What’s worse?

Kandi is doing her Internet talk show which makes me wonder: How is telling the world your favorite sexual position a good thing for your young daughter? How is it anyone would find a man who cannot speak proper English attractive?  What idiot at Bravo thought this was entertaining?

Charles and Marlo, who are clearly being used as possible new cast members, or perhaps just lightening rods to annoy NeNe, are on the show and they are not cute.  Charles cannot speak English and is a little scary looking, and Marlo seems to think her talent for getting a ball player is God given.

Over at Kim’s, she is taking her insanely perfect and gorgeous baby son home and is once again void of any real emotion or warmth.  Her voice is monotone and when she talks, regardless of what she is saying, she sounds like she is complaining and unhappy.  I’m happy for her but don’t feel any connection.

Cynthia and NeNe are shopping and once again Bravo wants to treat us like we are idiots.  Cynthia is prim and proper and always talking about how she is married and wants to be respectful, yet we are supposed to believe she watched Kandi’s show to learn of favorite sexual positions?

She is telling NeNe about the show with Charles and Marlo, but it would appear that she did not watch it as much as she read the notes that Bravo gave her about the show. NeNe is fabulous, over the whole Charles things, and insists that Charles never got her Hello Kitty.  I love Nene.

Sheree is over at Phaedra’s to pick an outfit to wear to court, where she is going to ask for money, in her Valentino suit, driving her brand new Porsche. Interesting approach.  Phaedra is fabulous television and tells Sheree she can wear Noche but not Dolce.  I love Phaedra and her one-liners.

Listening to her talk about Sheree’s “monster” booty is hilarious.  Phaedra needs to have her own talk show and Sheree needs a reality check.  I have friends who are driving cars that are 10 years old and still waiting for child support, so she is a little offensive.  She needs to decide what she wants.

We can be sympathetic toward her and the fact that her ex-husband is not taking care of his kids, or we can think she is a fame whore who is flashy with her car and chateau.  We are not going to support both so pick a side Sheree.  Chances are we won’t care about either side, but pick one.

I love a good vibrator, but Kandi talking about them on this show is not cute, and pulling them out in a restaurant is not entertaining.  Kandi has a little girl and this storyline makes me sad for her.  Do any of these housewives think about how their choices affect their children?  I’m thinking not so much.

Over at Kim’s she is complaining again.  About everything.  I feel bad for Brielle who is not sure where she fits into the new family, but then she insists the effort starts with an A and I’m over it.  The scene with the washing of the wigs is what Kim’s new show will be, I’ll pass.

Sheree owes Phaedra $5000 as a retainer and she is not paying.  How does this woman have any money at all?  She can pay for a new car but she can’t pay the reduced fee to her friend?  If I had as many secrets as these chicks I would not choose reality television as an option.

It’s court day and we see a nervous Sheree crying while she gets ready.  We also see that her apartment has not a lot of stuff in it.  She is shown driving a new car but has no stand for her television.  How is her kids sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but she has a Birkin?  What is her deal?

Sheree is all a about show.  Shame on her for putting how she looks above how her children live.  It pisses me off.  She needs to send Bob’s ass to jail, get her money, drive a used Honda, and stop crying.  Phaedra calls to give her a pep talk, and she calls her mom for support but can’t reach her.

Kim’s parents come over to visit the baby and it feels weird.  Bravo is setting up their new show and it’s lame.  We are focusing on RHOA so stop force feeding us.  Kim’s show will be about listening to Kim complain, talk about penises and sore vaginas, and picking on Brielle.  Yeah, I’m out.

Over in court, Sheree’s mom surprises her and shows up.  It’s very sweet.  They go in and the madness begins.  Bob looks like a big, dumb ogre and before they even start, Bob hits Sheree with a contempt of court case that she stole things that were to awarded to him in the divorce.

Sheree and Phaedra are blindsided, the case is postponed, and Sheree has no idea what is going on.  Bob leaves and hugs his mother-in-law on the way out and it’s sad. Bob is a loser, who wants to hurt Sheree. He may have gone to Stanford, but he is a douche who is hurting his kids.

That said, one must wonder what Sheree would do with all the child support should she ever get it.  I am disgusted by what appears to be her choices.  Of course I don’t know her, and am basing my opinion on what Bravo shows us, so the truth is up for grabs but it does not seem kosher to me.

Phaedra, Kandi and Sheree are having lunch. Kandi and Sheree are crying, and Phaedra is having none of the blame put on her.  These women are fun, but super fake.  The authenticity of these women made it entertaining but as the truth is revealed, we see none of them are keeping it real

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December 13, 2011 | 9:26 am

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – RECAP

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start off with Taylor and Lisa having lunch at Lisa’s restaurant.  Taylor looks horrible and tells Lisa she can’t remember what happened at Brandi’s party because she was drunk.  Lisa is trying to be a supportive friend, which is weird because they were never friends before.  Taylor has lost the supportive ear of all the other women so of course she turns to Lisa, but I’m surprised Lisa agreed to do it.

Even stranger, is Pandora has invited Taylor to her Bachelorette party in Vegas.  By stranger of course I mean scripted.  It pisses me off when Bravo thinks we are dumb enough to believe this crap.  Lisa calls the Chippendale dancers chipmunks, and when Taylor thanks her for lunch, says she thought Taylor was paying for it.  Hilarious.  I constantly change my mind about Lisa and this week I love her. Shame they are forcing Taylor on her.

DD is over at Camille’s, still in love with her, and Brandi comes over for a visit which makes no sense because Camille lives really far and stopping in for a visit would not happen in Malibu unless it was scripted.  They are rehashing the party, referring to Taylor as needing an exorcism, and Camille defends herself.  Camille does not need to defend herself, she did nothing wrong. DD however, needs to shut the hell up. Who cares about DD?

Camille is gorgeous, Brandi is fun, and the editing is laughable.  Taylor just sat with Lisa for the first time, yet Camille says Lisa and Taylor are now good friends.  So lame.  Adrienne and Paul are off to tape a show together and their bickering is ridiculous.  It was cute in the beginning, but is now just silly.  Adrienne is a bitch, does not like Paul, and you have to wonder what is so great about her that Paul stays for the constant public humiliation.

Kyle is shopping with Faye Resnick and it’s annoying.  Why the hell do we have to constantly see Faye?  Bravo would be hard pressed to find a fan of hers. Does anyone like her? Lisa is shopping for wedding dresses with Pandora and it’s sweet.  Watching Lisa see the dresses is lovely.  Sadly she is once again wearing a dress that is too small and cannot walk in her heels, but still, she is likable this week and she has a fan in me.  For now.

In Vegas, Camille is showing off the penthouse of the Palms and it’s stupid because everyone is so impressed, but we’ve seen it a million times, for a million years.  Brandi and Dana arrive and Kim, as usual, bails with a phone call.  Lisa and the bachelorette party have also arrived and are staying at the Hard Rock.  Given the choice, I would stay there over the Palms too. Lisa’s suite is much nicer than the tackiness of The Palms.

Kyle bailed on Vegas so she could shoot the cover of her book.  A book she wrote about her life and passions.  Seriously?  Who cares about what Kyle Richards has to say about fashion and kids?  Is there a chapter about how to be a selfish sister who only cares about herself?  Is there a chapter about being a fame whore who has calluses from desperately hanging onto the coattails of your sisters and niece?  I’m guessing not.

Back in Vegas, Brandi, Camille, Dana and Adrianne are together and we are reminded that Dana is the most obnoxious and boring women they have ever shoved down our throats.  They better no bring this chick back.  I have interviewed her and she was fun, but it does not translate and she brings nothing to this show. Plus her fiancé is a jackass so I imagine his karma is part of her undoing.  Take care Dana.  It’s been boring.

It’s time for the Chippendale dancers and that is worth the price of admission.  These are some seriously attractive men and yet I am distracted by the size of Taylor’s mouth.  It is massive.  Lisa is thoroughly enjoying the show even though Taylor is annoying her.  The other girls go dancing and Brandi and Camille are having a blast together while poor DD is forced to watch the only person she will ever really love grind on someone else.

Kyle is shopping with her mother-in-law and “runs into” Kim.  We have not seen Kim forever, and when we do she is wasted, so it’s random.  Kim and Kyle sit to talk and Kim shares that her new relationship is not being accepted by her children and she is broken.  She is crying and clearly distraught, and Kyle is a cold bitch.  She is not supportive or comforting.  Her sister is crying and instead of hugging her, Kyle wants to talk about her weight.

It is heartbreaking to see Kim this way and I want to comfort her, but I want to kick Kyle more.  She is making this about her, not her sister.  Kim is falling apart and Kyle is trying to make herself cry.  Kim is lonely and asks Kyle for help, and Kyle is too concerned with the camera angles to help her. I am embarrassed for Kyle and mortified for Kim.  We have heard that she is now in rehab, which is good, but sad because she is probably alone.

We are shown a clip from next week and in 10 seconds I am left incredibly uncomfortable.  It is the white party and Taylor is told she cannot come in because Russell was not invited.  His face clearly tells us that he knew nothing about the things Taylor was saying about him.  The story of Russell and Taylor will all come out and we will see Taylor is hiding more than she is sharing. Time for Taylor to start keeping it real.

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December 12, 2011 | 10:05 am

Real Housewives of Atlanta: From Babies to Drugs

Posted by Ilana Angel

These chicks are fun to watch but this week was odd.  The story flow was a little off and the whole Kim baby delivery seemed weird.  She is void of any real emotion and is so focused on the cameras that she has lost her authentic vibe.  Well she never had an authentic vibe so it’s not that lost it, as much as she just really does not have it.

Kroy is very sweet but he is so young I have a disconnect between him and Kim.  He is adorable and I like them together, but that does not mean I get it.  Over at Cynthia’s she is heading to New York on business and while packing she is unable to hide the embarrassment she has about the husband she has chosen.  She does not seem to like him at all.

We meet Sheree’s mom and she is very pretty.  Sheree is complaining about Bob and the lack of child support and her mom tells her she was in the same position when Sheree was young, and she needs to fight for her kids.  It’s sad.  We are seeing a tormented and vulnerable side of Sheree and it’s compelling.  She’s still tough as nails, but softer now.

Cynthia and NeNe are in NYC and she is focused on separating herself from Peter, well at least financially.  Bravo must be so excited that they get to see the crumbling of yet another housewife marriage and can capture it all on film.  Just when we start to see the torment of Cynthia, we are thrown into court with Phaedra and see who she represents.

Dear Lord, she gets a guy out of jail time for having tinted windows, which he lies and says are gone, but are not.  He was caught with pot and admits he will not test clean.  He then pulls out a wad of cash to pay her from and the whole thing is insane.  I lost a lot of respect for Phaedra when I met her client, but understand better how she met her husband.

Cynthia goes to meet with Russell Simmons and it showed how uninteresting Cynthia is.  I love Russell, and his brother, and it was fun to see him, but I could have cared less about Cynthia and actually forgot she was even there. Back in Atlanta, Kim is checking into the hospital to have her baby.  She lets the nurse know she does not smoke.  Really Kim?

Momma Joyce is getting dolled up so Kandi can take her picture and put it on a dating website. She is ready to date and she looks very pretty.  Kandi tells her she looks great and Joyce says she looks like a drag queen.  I think she looks beautiful and it’s a sweet exchange between them.  Especially from last week when Momma was still pissed about the stripper.

Sheree gets child support papers from Bob and she opts to have the conversation about what a loser he is on a speakerphone, with her child listening.  I swear these women are more concerned with fame than their kids.  Why not go into another room?  Why does this 14 year old boy, who clearly already has sorrow, have to listen to this crap?

It’s now NeNe time.  I love NeNe and think she is good television.  She is having lunch with some Italian guy who is simply creepy.  Nene is a trip and watching her on this business meeting/date is hilarious.  She is sweet and trying really hard to not look completely freaked out by the creepiness of the date, but then tells us she likes him.  Go figure.

Cynthia is out with a friend and it’s gross.  Cynthia is playing the game and setting the stage for her marriage to end.  It is disgusting and a cheap tactic.  She is whoring out her new business so it can be the thing that saves her when she gets divorced and needs to make money.  She says she loves Peter and it will be okay.  I call bull^%$#.

Kim has her baby but we don’t see anything because it’s all being saved for the new show.  There is nothing appealing about Kim this week except for her new baby and her husband.  They have a beautiful baby, two gorgeous little girls, and look really happy.  Not sure I’ll be able to stomach her new show, but I wish them all loads of health and happiness.

The best thing about this weeks show was the commercials for the special episode that is being shown on Tuesday.  Sheree is in court with Phaedra as her lawyer and it would appear Phaedra tanks.  Lynn Hudson has written to let me know she is hiring Ms. Parks to sue me, and come Tuesday that will be even funnier.  I’ll be back on Tuesday keeping it real.

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December 11, 2011 | 5:42 pm

News Flash: Jill Zarin Loves Barbra Streisand!

Posted by Ilana Angel

I am not the world’s biggest Jill Zarin fan, and contrary to the crazy kool aid drinkers of the blogosphere, I do not work for her.  I have written some blogs that support her and others not so much.  At the end of the day I like her as a television personality because she is funny and entertaining.  I will miss her on RHONYC because good or bad she was a lot of fun.

People love to hate Jill.  It’s quite fascinating that so many people spend so much time devoted to saying horrible things about this poor woman.  She is simply a nice person who is reality television personality.  She is not Satan, a spokesperson for all Jews, or plotting to take over the world.  If anything, her dealing with all the public hate with such dignity makes her a saint.

I get my fair share of hate from the same people as they thing I am “just like Jill”.  Since no matter what I say about Jill people hate me, let me say this, leave this poor woman alone.  Don’t like her?  Then don’t watch her every move. If you mess with her, I will defend her.  I will support her as I would anyone who is being persecuted. Jewish or not.

Now, let’s clear up the Barbra Streisand situation.  Here in LA on Thursday night, The FIDF, which is Friends of the Israeli Defense Forces, had their annual fundraising gala.  It is a big deal here in town and lots of people go. Some go to support financially, some to be seen, some to see others, and some to check out the insanely attractive Israeli soldiers in uniform.

Jill was there with her husband and took a video, got excited about it, and posted it online.  Who cares?  She was told to take it down and she did.  I would have been tempted to post also.  It’s not about wanting to get fame or align herself with Ms. Streisand.  It’s about being a fan, getting excited, and wanting to share it with people in your life.  That’s all it is people.

Barbra Streisand is not a regular human being. She is magic.  She made Jewish girls beautiful, sings to me with the voice of an angel, and inspired me to study Torah through Yentl, which I think is cinematic genius.  Barbra Streisand is iconic to many, but to me it’s personal as she touches so much of my Jewish identity.  I get the desire to want to share her.

So Jill, if I am to assume that you feel about Ms. Streisand as so many of us do, it’s okay.  You made a mistake, fixed it, and life goes on.  As for the haters, in the words of Charlotte from Sex and the City, “We’re Jews. We’ve survived worse than this.”  Hold your head high, know that you have people on your side, keep the faith and keep it real.

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December 8, 2011 | 10:37 am

Patti Stanger vs. The Millionaire Matchmaker

Posted by Ilana Angel

Millionaire Matchmaker is a difficult show to watch because everyone on this show is a little odd.  From the staff, to the daters, to the fake clients, to Patti Stanger, nobody is believable or particularly interesting.  The main issue I have with this show is Patti and how ridiculous she is.

She says things that simply do not make sense.  This could be due to the fact that she appears to have no real grasp of the English language.  Last night I watched three hours of Patti Stanger.  One episode was her season finale and the other two were reunion shows with Andy Cohen.

Let me begin by saying that three straight hours of Patti Stanger is not something you should ever do.  Ever.  I have a huge headache, mostly from sitting through the crap fest, but also from the laughing.  Important to note I was laughing at them, not with them.  This show is lame.

The first hour is about getting a date for Patti herself and it’s so fake I can barely watch.  The clichés thrown around by Stanger, and her staff, are predictable, and not funny.  She is 50 years old and wants us to think she is not only looking for love, but to maybe have a baby?  Okay.

The casting session for her potential love is so fake and desperate that I am talking on the phone, answering email, and poking myself in the leg with a shard of glass, all of which is more fun that watching for real.  It’s time for Patti’s mixer and she is so nervous she might puke, which is good.

It’s only fair that a show that has made us all want to vomit for five years finally makes her want to blow chunks.  She looked pretty and I’ll give her kudos for putting herself out there, but the ass kissing from her stuff, and her underlying bitchiness makes me not care how it goes for her.

Important to note that I have met Patti Stanger, had a conversation with her, and she was not nice.  She was stuck up, rude, abrasive, very aware of the room and who was there for her to meet.  She was not at all interested in talking to her fans, and at that point she actually had some.

Watching Patti try to date is weird because she comes across as insincere. The whole thing looks staged for ratings.  There is no way she is going to date someone she met on her show.  It would simply never happen because even Patti is not dumb enough to think this crap works.  Or is she?

If she thinks we will believe that these men paid for these dates, and that a divorced dad of two who wants to date rich women is taking her on a private jet to a spa, then Patti needs to be under the care of psychiatrist.  No way in hell he dropped one cent, or enjoyed the awkward kiss.

Sidebar:  How are we supposed to take her staff seriously?  She berates people all the time for how they look yet she says nothing to her staff about how they look, which is not business professional.  There are a lot hypocrisies in the world of Patti Stanger, which is not cute.

Before we go on, can we talk about the biggest pile of crap? Patti says she is a third generation matchmaker and it’s in her blood.  She says she gets the gift from her mother and grandmother and that is what makes her so good.  But she also tells us she is adopted so how is it in her blood?

Was her biological mother also a matchmaker?  If iit’s some kind of family gift passed down through generations, how is it that Rachel and Dustin are also brilliant matchmakers?  The truth is nobody on this show is a great matchmaker. 99% success rate my ass.

Patti picks a nice guy to go on her date with but not until she tells a complete stranger he makes her wet.  Contestant Mike says Patti is smart which shows he is dumb, and Patti wants us to believe that her 7 year relationship ended because there was not passion.  Okay.

Patti goes on two dates and I’m muting the TVbecause when I fill in the conversation on my own its more entertaining than the crap they are feeding us. Let’s skip over the rest of this fake dating and go onto the reunion.  Maybe we’ll get something interesting there.

The reunion starts with Patti telling Andy Cohen that she loves gay people and Jewish men.  She is back peddling and trying to be pro gay but it’s bull. She meant what she said about Jews and gays and her apology was stupid. Andy looks frustrated and we are not even 5 minutes in.

Here are some notes from the reunion:

- Botox does not help cluster headaches
- someone on your payroll is an employee not a best friend
- you can’t kick a client out of a club they don’t pay for
- even Patti Stanger is embarrassed by Patti Stanger
- I think Robin Kassner is fabulous
- how can Patti think she can have a Matthew McConaughey?
- work Patti is a bitch
- non-work Patti is delusional
- I don’t believe all these millionaires have money
- you have to be insane to be a client on this show
- Madison is the most boring gay man on television
- Shawna needs a therapist and a better plastic surgeon
- Patti says okay too much
- that Shawna would do this show again proves she is not well
- Patti talking about relationships is like nails on a chalkboard
- does Andy like Patti or despise her?
- Patti does not say anything original
- Patti is not doing God’s work
- no woman wants a man to go squishy inside of her
- Patti giving plastic surgery advice is insane
- Patti giving advice about anything is insane
- Patti is not an expert on anything
- Patti is a lot like Bethenny Frankel
- I don’t go for a butt first on a man
- Patti is not like a scientist

I am now 19 minutes into part two of the reunion and I want to shoot myself in the foot just so I have something else to focus on.  This show is seriously lame and I don’t get why it lasted after season two, which is when Patti fell in love with her own voice and became bad television.

Patti is mean and if karma is paying attention she should be worried.  She is burning some love bridges and so I don’t know how love will work out for her. Here’s the most shocking part of this entire blog, I think I might actually like Patti Stanger when she is not being Patti Stanger.

At the end of the day she is just a woman, like all of us single women, looking for love.  She is getting tripped up by the persona she created for TV. I have a feeling Patti is probably a nice person and just not sure she can show us that, because she knows we won’t believe it.

I’m don’t think she can undo what she has done that makes her annoy the hell out of us, in fact I am certain she cannot.  I have written some snarky things about Ms. Stanger and I stand by it as it is based on my encounter with her, along with what she shows us of herself on television.

I never thought the day would come when I said I liked Patti Stanger, but I do.  I want to push the Millionaire Matchmaker down a flight of stairs, but I want to go out for lunch with Patti Stanger. At the end of the day we are in the same dating pool and would have lots to talk about.

I can’t end the blog without saying that the reaction of Patti to the engagement surprise was odd.  She was genuinely shocked in the same way one would be, when after 5 years of blowing smoke up everyone’s ass with tales of matchmaking, there is actually a match.  Authentic shock.

I am not going to be watching Millionaire Matchmaker anymore.  By anymore of course I mean ever again.  This show is bad for women, dating, and television.  That said, if Patti Stanger ever wants to grab lunch, I’m in.  Patti and me together?  Now that is keeping it real.

 

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December 5, 2011 | 10:48 pm

RHOBH: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Posted by Ilana Angel

Dear Lord this week was painful to watch.  By painful of course I mean I wanted to cause myself pain by plucking out my own eyes, which have been more fun than this show.  At what point is Bravo going to stop the crap and start getting real?  Taylor simply does belong not on television.

Before we jump to Crazytown, Lisa is with Pandora and her soon to be Mother-in-Law picking the table décor.  Pandora is allowed to share her opinion, but Lisa is doing what she wants.  The Mother-in-Law to be is not only not permitted an opinion, but is not allowed to speak at all.

Kyle is with Estella getting her final exam after her facelift.  She looks great and Kyle is annoying.  She went from most fabulous to most offensive and is full of crap.  By full of crap of course I mean her desire for fame has made her smell like crap, which is actually noticeable through my television.

Brandi is out for lunch with Adrienne.  Poor Brandi.  She is really fun, seems great, and is stuck in the mud with a bunch of sticks in the mud. Adrienne Maloof is boring.  Her hair and clothes are straight out of the eighties, and she brings nothing of interest to this show.  Nothing.

Kyle is having a Cinco de Mayo dinner for friends and family.  She says they always have a party, yet she pulls out half a bag of carrots and throws them on a plate big enough for 5 bags.  She also manages to embarrass her husband and mock him for picking black shoes over brown.

Kyle is unable to sit quietly and allow her guests to enjoy themselves. She needs to talk all the time and make everything about her.  It’s annoying and sad because she used to be really great.  She is now simply a fame whore with nothing interesting to say.  Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Lisa takes us to SUR, which is under construction.  There are weeks I love Lisa and others when I think she is horrible.  At the end of the day I think she is fabulous and wasted on this show.  She is a lady, who actually has money, and lumping her in with these losers is a shame.

We see Kim for 10 seconds and it’s not even worth mentioning.  Brandi is having a party at a friend’s house in Malibu.  They will have dinner and drinks, and get a belly dancing lesson.  Camille is on her way over with a couple of friends.  Weird that she can’t go anywhere alone.

Important to note that I think Camille is the best thing about this show this year.  She is funny and calm, and rather entertaining. She is beautiful, handles herself with grace in the wake of personal turmoil, and is exactly what I think a woman of Beverly Hills should be.  Bravo Camille.

Sidebar:  Kelsey Grammer is a douchelord.  I understand people cheat, and marriages end, but his behavior towards his wife and children was ugly.  The kind of ugly that gets you a first class ticket on the A Train to hell.  Even with only one side of the story, we know he is a schmuck.

Kyle and Taylor are going to Brandi’s party.  Ever since Taylor pushed her husband to kill himself, it’s hard to watch her.  Even harder than watching Taylor, is listening to Kyle talk about Taylor and her problems.  It’s dueling limo rides with Camille wanting no drama, and Taylor up for a fight.

Adrienne arrives in her Dynasty 80’s outfit, along with a Michael Jackson red leather jacket.  Why is nobody helping this woman get dressed?  Why do Kyle and Taylor need a stretch limo for just the two of them? Why do they all bring random friends?  Why is Taylor even on this show?

Brandi has a great body and the girls are all bagging on her for not wearing a bra.  Meow.  Camille says she is too self-conscious to wear the same outfit, yet she posed naked.  Brandi looks amazing, especially after two kids.  With those boobs I would not wear a bra.  Or a shirt.

It’s belly dancing time and Kyle is ridiculous.  She does the splits, again, and is acting like a freak.  She makes a joke about Brandi’s nipples and at the end of the day Kyle is a bitch.  A classic mean girl who bullies the weak and takes joy in their suffering.  Much like Lynn Hudson.

Taylor is once again whining about the gravity of her situation.  Camille’s friend DD, steps in where she has no business and makes it painfully clear she is in love with Camille.  Her desperate clinging on and hero worship of Camille is a little creepy.  Before we know, the fight is on.

Taylor is drowning in her storytelling and it’s predictable.  We don’t know what to believe, but more importantly, we don’t care what the truth is.  Taylor needs to be fired from this show, and then when she has time to regroup, be questioned about her role in the death of her husband.

Camille’s groupie starts a fight, with Taylor, who is clearly on the edge.  It’s embarrassing and they should be ashamed of themselves. There is screaming, pulling, pushing, crying, and then in what is a horrific editing choice, Taylor threatens to jump off the balcony and kill herself.

I am skipping over the rest of this fight as it is simply offensive of Bravo to expect me to watch it.  Everyone leaves and it’s a clusterf*&^.  Just a quick thought, why was Dana not invited?  Because she is not, nor will she ever be, a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills.

Taylor whips out cigarettes from her purse and starts smoking in the car while falling into an alcohol induced ugly cry.  She can’t stop crying, and Kyle can’t stop talking.  I said today my Christmas wish was for Donald Trump to stop talking but I would rather Kyle stop talking.

Taylor was on Watch What Happens Live with Andy Cohen tonight but I skipped it as I am quite certain if I watched it, I would have to write something mean about Taylor and my blog is about the characters within the show, not outside of Bravo editing, and so I’ll pass, to keep it real.

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