Posted by Ilana Angel
We start off our guilty summer secret with Chris Harrison doing an insane amount of hand motions while he talks. He’s too old for this gig and needs to go. This show is about fame whores searching for an additional 15 minutes. They are also looking for sex and money, which proves there are several types of whores on this show. Here are the players:
Justin: Canadian who bailed out of Alli’s season because he had a girlfriend. He is pissed, looking for revenge, and painfully uninteresting.
Jackie: She was dumped by Brad, is a whiner and mean girl, and her tongue hangs too far out of her mouth when she speaks.
Michelle: She’s a single mom and a crazy person. Her dad has cancer and she wants to win so she can put money to help cancer research. Right.
Gia: She is as beautiful as she is stupid. She has a cute speech impediment and has managed to milk the Bachelor experience to the very last drop.
Vienna: She won her season and was proposed to by Jake, the gay bachelor. She has a lazy eye, and makes for fantastic television. Best fake cry ever.
Casey: He got a tattoo to show his love for Alli, and then she dumped him. He is dating Vienna which shows us all he is sweet, stupid and desperate.
Jake: He unwilling to embrace his true self and live his best life. He and Vienna will be the fireworks, and conductors of the train wreck.
Erica: The fake Italian bachelor dumped her. She has horrible lip injections, and a voice that makes me want to shove knives in my ears.
Graham: I have watched every show of every season of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette and I have absolutely no idea who this guy is.
Ella: Another single mom and a really beautiful girl. I loved her on her season and I want her to win. Even after just 5 minutes, she is my favorite.
Holly: She was dumped by Matt but found love with Michael from Deanna’s season. They were engaged and she was a runaway bitch bride.
Michael: Surprise, surprise, Holly’s ex is in the house. Exactly how desperate are these people to put themselves in such horrible situations?
Blake: The dentist who just got dumped by Ashley. I’d be celebrating in The Bachelor Pad too I had gotten dumped by Ashley.
Ames: He is my favorite and I wanted so much for him to be the Bachelor. He is smart and lovely and so much better than this show. Shame.
Melissa: She’s a drama queen and will competing for the best fake cry against all the other skanks that are in for the money.
Alli: I remember that she was cute, but that’s about it. It will come back to me I’m sure, but for now she’s all good.
Kirk: He was dumped by Alli and on the first night in the Pad gets sloshed and hooks up with Erica. Going to take a while to wash that one off.
William: The cell phone salesman who wants to be a comedian and was the only one with the balls to properly roast Ashley.
Jake walks in and acts like he is the Mayor. I’ve met Jake and he is quite sweet. He is very short and has a used car salesman vibe, but still sweet. He sees Vienna and tells her she looks nice. It’s a nice gesture. Vienna checks herself out in the bar mirror and practices her cry.
Gia talks to Jake and tells him he needs to talk to Casey so there is no tension. Jake goes to find Casey to assure him he is not there to hurt Vienna, just to win the money and move on. He wishes them well and says he hopes they can be nice to each other. Sincere, yet totally fake.
Everyone needs to couple up for the first challenge. They strip down to bathing suits and hang onto each other suspended in the air. First couple to let go wins and get to stay in the house, and have a private date away from the house. This is the dumbest show on television.
Jake and Jackie win immunity. Could this be more staged? Why do they think we are so stupid and why are we so stupid we watch? We are half way through the ridiculous 3 hour premier and I have gotten countless emails from watchers saying they can’t tune in any longer.
Cut to the hot tub where Vienna is being a bitch to Casey for dropping her, he tells her not to blame him, and she gets pissed because he promised they would not fight on camera. If you have been dating 6 months and need to cut a deal to not fight on camera, are things good?
Vienna and Casey are fighting and she is certain she is getting the boot but come on, there is no way in hell the producers of this crap fest are going to let her leave. We have an entire season of fighting and tension to watch and they are not letting half of it walk out the door.
The plotting and scheming is stupid. By stupid of course I mean I honestly don’t think I can make it through this entire season without carving “shoot me” in my leg with a dull steak knife. It’s a short season, which is a blessing, but still not sure I will be able to dumb myself down for long.
Jake and Jackie are going on their date and a little girl sees them and starts crying. It’s sweet and he could not be kinder to her. The best part is when Jackie says Jake is a real celebrity. Jackie is so dumb. He’s not a celebrity sweetie, he is a fame whore who is infamous for nothing.
They walk across Hollywood Blvd. with no people or cars in sight, which if you live here know is impossible without the street being shut down. I’ve lost any respect I had for Mike Fleiss because he officially has no respect for his viewers. He is a money whore just like the contestants.
Jake tells Jackie crap about Vienna and Jackie buys it all. Back at the pad, Vienna is telling her version of the breakup, which is opposite of his story. Hard to know who to believe but I’m going with lazy eye on this one. They broke up because he does not like to have sex with women.
Jackie and Jake have a rose to hand out and Jackie suggests they give it to Vienna as a peace offering. Is she high? Jackie thinks better of it in the morning and so we have to spend the next hour listening to her whine and about who to give it to. If she wins she should get a nose job.
Jake talks to everyone about giving Vienna the rose and nobody agrees. Gia, beautiful Gia is so dumb she tells Jake the Trojans won over the Greeks by hiding in an elephant, and that you cannot win a chess game without the queen. Dear Lord someone help her.
Jake gives it to Vienna and Gia is heartbroken and can’t stop crying. I need a drink. I mean another drink. By another of course I mean my third drink. He asks if he can talk to Vienna and Casey. I am embarrassed to tell you all that I freaking LOVE this show. What is wrong with me?
Jake tells Vienna he is sorry he yelled at her at their reunion. I am listening to him and I think I might love him. I’m drunk. He is sweet and a gentleman and I find myself feeling bad for him, yet good for him because he’s a freaking good actor. I bought his crap. Bravo Jake.
Then is gets brilliant because Vienna gets up and leaves as he is apologizing, calls him a robot and Jake sits there with his big chance at an Emmy cut off in the middle. Vienna is hugging Casey and telling him she wants his babies and what she is really thinking is about the money.
Back to Jake, he thinks it went perfectly and he is on his way to a friendship with Casey and Vienna. The music they are playing is fantastic and Casey is going on and on about how he is protecting his girl. Oh. My. God. I am hooked and will be stuck watching every week.
There is about 20 minutes of scheming and I’m bored. I am skipping over this part so I can get back to The Jake and Vienna Show. The rose ceremony is pathetic and the music is ridiculous. It drags out for what feels like another 3 hours and in the end Alli and Justin are sent home.
Justin goes out with a huff, grabbing Jake’s rose so he can finally leave with one. He complains about Alli who cries in her farewell car ride. Why or why did I watch? I can’t look away now. I’m hooked. The Jake and Vienna Show will be fun, painful and guaranteed to not be keeping it real.
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.2.13 at 7:12 am | I was bored with all the jumping around.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . .
11.25.13 at 11:14 pm | They started off strong, but tonight tanked.
11.25.13 at 9:02 pm | Some of this episode was uncomfortable to watch.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . . (3808)
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television. (3154)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (2982)
August 4, 2011 | 9:29 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
You know it’s summer when the kids of Jersey Shore show up. By kids of course I mean everyone but the Situation, who I am sure is 40. The gang is heading to Italy and it’s going to be fabulous. I’m thinking there won’t be a lot of grenades walking the streets of Italia.
We start the show with everyone getting their passport pictures taken. Snooki lets us know that Europe is a huge country that consists of Britain, England and Italy. Oh my, this is going to be fun. Pauly is packing and very excited to have his international blow dryer accessories.
Deena is excited about the trip and is not going to do sex, but figure out the men, and then have sex. Vinny is trying to learn Italian before the trip so he can pick up a traditional Italian girl. I think it’s funny, and oddly sweet that these 20 something kids all still live at home.
We meet Snooki’s new boyfriend Jionni. They have been together for 6 months and he’s a little nervous about her escapades, but they promise each other to not hook up while she is away. She does not know where Italy is, but it’s in the shape of a boot and she loves boots, so it’s all good.
Situation is getting his hair done and says he heard Snooki lost weight and lets us all know if the pounds are gone he will tap that. Right. If he has had his foot deformity repaired, maybe she will tap that. JWoww is still with Roger and she looks fabulous, despite her massive boobs.
Ronnie is single and not putting up with any Sammi drama. I give it a week until they hook up. Sammi is saying she is healed and feeling good about being around Ronnie. I give it less than a week. They will be fighting, crying and begging before they even unpack their bags.
The 4 boys are flying together and the four women are going as a group. The race is on to get there because whoever arrives first gets the pick of the rooms. The amount of luggage these people are taking is amazing, especially for Snooki. The smallest girl has packed like a maniac.
The boys connect in Spain and the girls stop in Germany. They land in Italy and Snooki wants to make sure she gets some pesos. Jenny has lost a can of bronzer. Deena falls and hurts herself, and Sammi has forgotten to pack her personality. Not a good start for the ladies.
The boys fly straight into Florence, but the girls go to Milan and need to take a bus. The travel agents who put this together are brilliant. You have got to love scripted, unscripted television. I am saying it right now, so there is no confusion later when I’m drunk, I love this show.
Italy is truly a gorgeous country. According to Pauly, it’s the most beautifullest country he has ever seen. The boys arrive first and scope out the best rooms. Their digs are spectacular and we are reminded how truly odd it is that this motley crew is given these opportunities.
Vinny is happy to find a bidet as it will come in handy on lonely nights should he not score with the ladies. Speaking of ladies they arrive and everyone is reunited. This is a cute little family and they are very entertaining. It is brainless summer fun and I am so happy they are back.
The bodies on these 4 boys are insane. Really, really beautiful. Jenny is smoking and the little ones are adorable. I can’t find anything appealing about Sammi, but it’s early and it may come. Deena is bunking with Pauly and Vinny. The trip starts off with a shot of Limoncello.
They are all going out for the first night. There is a moment of panic when the blow dryer blows out, but thank God it gets worked out. They gather in the front room and as Ronnie is about to sit on the table, Pauly says it’s going to break, and bam it does. And so the season begins.
They go out, walk around with their cameras and bodyguards. Mike wants to get it in with Snooki, but she’s got a boyfriend. Deena thinks it will never happen, but Mike thinks it will. Sammi is drooling over Ronnie, and truth me told, from his neck to his waist, so am I.
They are going out to eat and the only girl that can drive is a stick is Snooki. No good can come of that. The girls get lost and decide to go home. They are sitting outside when all of a sudden pigeons attack them. The best part is they actually start talking to the birds, telling them to stop.
Mike tells Ronnie that he slept with Snooki a couple of months ago, while she was with her boyfriend. The bigger part of the story is now that he has seen her, he may be falling for her. Really? Are we supposed to believe this? First show is kind of early to blow smoke Mike.
Everyone is slutted up and they head to the club. The girls look good, the boys look better, and the debauchery begins. Vinny is the only one that speaks any Italian, so whenever the guys want to talk to a chick, they need to go get Vinny. It’s too funny. They are getting hammered.
Mike starts hitting on Snooki and it’s gross. By gross of course I mean that it proves Mike is a dirty old man who needs to back off the Snooks. He knows she is in a relationship, so he is either lying, or outing her on camera, and that’s just sleazy. How do you say schmuck in Italian?
We see a preview of the season and all I can say is Oh. My. God. The Italian-American community puts down this cast for not properly representing their culture, but by the looks of it, the Italians might not do such a good job either. Love it or hate it, these people are keeping it real.
August 4, 2011 | 1:46 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am addicted to The Real Housewives of Anywhere, USA. With the exception of the DC chicks, who bored the hell out of me, I watch all the different cities. I find them to be both entertaining and mortifying. Contrary to popular belief, I am not on the payroll of either Bravo, or any cast member, of any of the locations.
I am just a fan and when it comes to New York City, I think the show needs to be recast. The dislike between the women is palpable, disgusting, and frankly sad. They started out one way, and rather than end with class and dignity, the current cast is leaving having been dragged through the mud. The fascinating thing is that they did the dragging themselves.
My regular readers know what I think about each of the ladies so there is no need to rehash that now, but even I was surprised by how much I sincerely liked LuAnn when I spoke with her yesterday. Many have described her this season as being condescending and mean, but there is something about her I found myself drawn to. I was curious, and so I reached out.
As a divorced, single mother, who is in the same age range, I admire LuAnn. From what I could see, as a watcher of her show, and with absolutely no first hand or inside knowledge of her life, I saw her go through the darkness and heartache of a divorce, and come out on the other side with her self-esteem intact, and her heart open. I admire that.
I answered my phone, heard a very deep, warm voice and immediately knew who it was. I said hello and she responded with Hello Darling, The Countess has arrived. She then immediately apologized for calling a couple of minutes later than our scheduled appointment. Say what you want about this woman, but her manners are impeccable and she is very funny.
During our conversation she laughed easily and often. She also called me Darling, which I got a kick out of, and when she wanted to make a point, she called me Ilana. I can’t explain how or why, but I felt she was not only listening to every word I said, but she actually heard me. We were 3000 mile apart but it was if she was looking at me straight in the eyes.
I think there is something quite lovely and special about her, and it’s a shame this show is trying so hard to push her into the gutter. I truly hope she opts not to return and does something a little classier with her career. I learned some very interesting things about LuAnn, all of which have now inspired me to read her book, “Class with the Countess”.
The book was sold as a how to guide about elegance and class, but it’s the autobiographical chapters that I am interested in. During part two of this season’s reunion, while I was watching and bashing myself over the heard with my remote to drown out all the screaming, I noticed that LuAnn pronounces the word sorry like a Canadian, and says “sooory”.
It turns out both of LuAnn’s parents hail from Canada, with her mother from Quebec and father from New Brunswick. She does a killer French Canadian accent imitation, which cracked me up. The same people who think I only like Jill because she is Jewish, will now think I only like LuAnn because she is Canadian. Say what you want people. I’m Canadian and I dig her.
LuAnn was married to Count Alexandre de Lesseps. For 16 years. I assumed he was a product of wealth and did not work, but it turns out he is a successful businessman and does some pretty impressive work to help underprivileged women rise above their circumstances, and have a better life. LuAnn speaks of her ex-husband with a lot of pride.
They appear to have had a very civilized parting. To be clear, she was heartbroken and the end of her marriage was rough, but her love for her children allowed to her to view her husband with respect rather than anger. There was pain and sadness, but not hate. I find that fascinating as most divorces that I know of, including my own, have slivers of hate.
She is now in love with Jacques Azoulay, who is almost 10 years her junior. They met at a party of mutual friends, when Jacques walked over to her and asked her to dance. They have been together for over a year and it’s love. This summer they travelled to Paris where LuAnn met his family, and he met her ex-husband. Interesting to note that she was not nervous.
She says both men are smart and open-minded. There have been implications over the years that her husband might not be a fan of the Jews, and Jacques is a Jew. He is a reform Jew, and the sweetest thing was when she told me that when at her Hampton’s home, Jacques will take his talit, which he’s had since his Bar Mitzvah, and go to the ocean to daven.
The men were both curious about each other. For Alex, his children love Jacques and he kept hearing about how great he was. For Jacques, there had to be a little part of him that was cautious to meet a man who on paper, would appear to not approve. In the end the men enjoyed each other. Alex respected the man who makes the mother of his children so happy.
It’s all quite civilized really. I’m not sure if it’s because they are people of privilege, or simply people of class. The two are not exclusive for as we know, money can’t buy you class. As for Jacques, he may be her next great love. He recites poetry, plays the piano, supports and respects her, and allows her heart to remain open. He is a mensch and she likes that.
Luann has never dated a Jewish man, nor has she dated anyone younger than her. She is a perfect example of how a woman should live her life after a divorce. So many of us close down, and make a list of rules of how we will love again. LuAnn had only one thing on her list. Be happy. How different would my life be if that were the only thing on my list?
Many things surprised me during our chat. LuAnn talks a lot about her projects and her goals for the future, but she does not hock anything, which I found refreshing. She is gracious and appreciative of the people who spend time and money buying her wares, but she is not a non-stop infomercial like so many of the housewife fame whores. (Bethenny and Ramona)
After a little research I found that you can get a Countess app for your phone called “Countess LuAnn”. It’s quite kitschy and cute. She is also doing a USTREAM chat live tomorrow, August 4th at 7:00 pm EST. I’m hoping she will also take my suggestion and record her version of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”. I think that would be brilliant.
LuAnn and I spoke for about 40 minutes and I could have kept going. She has great stories and was open to sharing them all. She did not refuse to answer any questions and nothing was off limits. We talked a lot about the housewives and her perspective on the ladies was honest, uncensored, and very similar to many people who comment on my blog.
I asked her if she thought doing another season would cause her to hit a wall. She responded by saying she had already hit the wall and that perhaps she was done. One never knows I suppose, but I really hope she opts to not return. I think she has a lot to offer beyond this show, and I fear for her that with one more year we simply won’t care.
We barely care about any of the ladies now. They have sucked all the joy out of this show and I think those that bow out now will be the ones who have a shot in hell of maintaining a career beyond this show. At the end of the day LuAnn is simply too classy for this show and is being sucked into reality hell. In my unsolicited opinion, she needs to bail.
We all watch the housewives, think we know them, and have opinions and judgments about who they are and what they are all about. Sadly, we only know what Bravo wants us to know. Editing has power of course, which is a shame because she is great and we don’t get to see it. I took pages of notes during out chat and could write a lot more.
I admire this woman. I respected her for how she spoke of her parents, siblings, ex-husband, boyfriend, and most importantly, her children. Our conversation made me think about things differently, and I learned a few things. Countess LuAnn has a powerful voice and I hope I have an opportunity to listen her to away from the train wreck.
My job here is not to defend her, or convince you to like her. That is her job. My job is to write a blog, with my opinion, in my voice, with my views, which I have done. Countess LuAnn is a cool lady, with lots to say, who needs to get the hell off of this show because quitting may be the only chance she has at keeping it real.
August 3, 2011 | 12:44 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I watched part 2 of the New York City reunion twice and writing this blog has been painful. There is so much screaming and ugliness that it’s beyond being funny, and is now just pathetic. The main thing I decided after this entire season is that some of these chicks need to go.
Alex McCord is toxic. Cindy, while lovely, brings nothing of interest and she can go. Ramona should skip a season to go to rehab and divorce her letch. With them gone Kelly will add nothing and so she can go too. Keep Jill, Sonja and the Countess and I am back in.
Here we go, keeping in mind that I have medicated myself, as the screaming is just too much. LuAnn is talking to Ramona about how she knocks her parenting, and I must say that I really like LuAnn. That she made it through the attacks without crying is fascinating to me.
She is a lady and with or without the Count, she is classy. Ramona is saying that the video shoot for LuAnn was inappropriate and she did not do it because it offensive to her daughter Avery. Right. She says they discussed it over dinner but we know they never have dinner.
Avery is left alone, by her own admission, and does not see her parents so they thought of them all sitting around, as the trifecta that they are, making decisions as a family is laughable. Ramona is out getting drunk and Mario is out banging Sonja, so it never happened.
Here is a video montage of Jill and it’s stupid. I am sick of Jill getting picked on and I’m even sicker of Jill defending herself. Listen to me Jill, you are great, and you have nothing to apologize for, so move on. People either love you or hate you. I love you. Stop caring about the haters.
Alex says that hanging out with the housewives is a liability to her social climbing. Honestly Alex, shut the hell up. Get off this show, continue your climbing, love your gay husband and move on. I am begging you. I will tattoo Simon’s face on my ass if you will quit the show.
There is a montage of Ramona is all about her drinking problem. She denies it, says it is nothing, and then says if she is an alcoholic, she is a functioning one, and that is fabulous. If I were a bitch, whose kid hated me, and my husband was a pervert, I’d be throwing back some wine too.
Kelly is hilarious on this reunion. She keeps talking and dropping one-liners. She tells Ramona her drinking is not about unwinding, but rather unraveling. I am changing my mind on Kelly. I want her to come back. She is harmless, and every once and a while, she is perfection.
The next montage is of the Countess and her newly found biting tongue. I love her and think some of the ladies are simply jealous of her. She looks great, went through a public divorce, and came out on the other side happy and successful. They are picking on her for crap.
I just listened to 15 minutes and cannot remember one single think that was said. Dear Lord. I want o pull all my hair out. The commercials for the housewives of Beverly Hills are the best part of this reunion. I love you guys but I simply cannot rewind to see what I missed.
The montage of Alex proves she is in fact a tranny who suffers from constipation. She is defending her husband and I am flabbergasted that so much of this show is being dedicated to Simon. I feel nauseous, my heard is pounding and I want to hurl myself off the roof.
They are talking about Morocco and I seriously want to put a bullet in my television. I’ve stopped listening. I’m done. I love the train wreck of the housewives in all the cities but this show is done for me. The two camps hate each other and they can’t fake another season.
I am happy it’s over. Beverly Hills will give me lots of reasons to self medicate and taking a break from this group is now a necessity. I wish them all well, hope some do not return, and truly hope that Andy figures it out and gets that the cast as is, simply cannot keep it real.
August 2, 2011 | 12:57 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
The Bachelorette is finally over for the season. Thank God. I seriously don’t think I would have lasted through one more week. However, I’m about to watch three hours of hell and I’m oddly exited. I have a mojito on hand, with a bottle of wine as back up, so let the train roll.
We start off with Ashley and her family. They seem lovely. Her sister, who looks like Kat Von D, had me laughing because within 2 minutes of her being on television, she scratched her head. Perfection. The sisters share the same unwashed itchy scalp. Family clearly helps Ashley feel normal.
JP is first. He is sitting with the family, for the first time, and Ashley is wiping down her face and legs with a towel. She is looking down her own blouse, watching the sweat poor straight to her tummy, as there are no boobs to catch it. Everything is nice, until the sister dives in.
Cut to the sister telling her JP is not the one. Sis asked if he made her laugh and Ashley says no. Sis thinks she is too young for him, she starts crying, can’t stop playing with her hair, and rubbing her lips together. Ashley is acting like a teenager and could not be more unattractive.
Ashley is, for lack of a better word, an idiot. She is conflicted about who to pick because she is not sure who loves her. She could care less. She wants to pick who will want to marry her, not who she loves more. She is desperate, ridiculous, and I am embarrassed for her.
Ashley runs out to her little brother and is crying about what a bitch her sister is. I like the brother, but his is a family that sweats. The sister is alone with JP and she tells him she does not see them together. This chick is a bitch. By bitch of course I mean she needs her own show.
Ashley is now complaining to her step-dad. It’s sad. All she wanted was support from her sister and it’s just not happening with her and JP. Sister tells JP he is too old for her, Ashley is too much for him, and there is nothing he can do to change her mind.
Sissy is a total joy sucker. Ashley cannot comfort JP after he is screwed over. Ashley plays with her hair, and tells him not to worry. Her family just told him he was out, but he is supposed to not worry about it, go off while they fall in love with Ben, and it will all be fine.
Ashley is talking to her sister and it’s so annoying. The sister is fabulous and Ashley is an idiot. She admits that her sister is saying all the things she thinks in her head, which means that Ashley is not into JP and should pick Ben. Ben is cute and makes a good impression on the family.
He is so into he, and speaks so opening about it, that you know he is going to get dumped. She is going to pick JP because her sister does not like him, because she thinks he loves her more, and she does not want to risk being dumped on television after months of being a loser.
It’s the final date with Ben and they take a helicopter ride to a healing, natural mud bath. Sidebar: Ben has bigger boobs than Ashley. She really likes him, but sadly he loves her. I’m thinking Ben has solidified his spot as the next Bachelor. I’ll be bored, but I’ll still watch.
Ben tells Ashley he loves her, they kiss, are lying on the bed and she says, “So what do you think?” She is a bad romantic comedy come to life. The kind that not only goes straight to video, but the kind you use to prop up a broken table because that is all it’s good for.
It’s JP’s date and he tells Ashley that her sister screwed him up. Hating the sister is totally the stuff to build a relationship on. She is going to pick the guy that her family does not think she should pick. She will pick him and he will dump her. He is into love, not into Ashley.
JP tells Ashley he loves her and asks her not to break his heart. Really? It made me laugh out loud almost as much as I did at her padded bathing suit. It made her look like an actual girl, not a boy, so bravo to the maker of that miracle suit. JP is a little too cliché for me.
He then gives her a present, which is a photo album of all their times together with a note about their great love story. He is still in love with his ex, and used the show to get over her, and does not love her, so the book makes him as sleazy as Bentley. Yuck. Cute, but yuck.
It’s engagement day and Ashley wakes up and gets out of bed in full make up, having slept in a robe. Her fake eyelashes are stupid, and her monologue about each of the guys is scripted and useless. I have had two mojitos and yet I feel the need to pour another one. Shame.
Neil lane is there with his jewels. I love everything that Neil Lane does and no matter what they each pick, it’s going to be fabulous. That said, you can tell a lot about a guy by the type of ring her picks. In terms of Ben and JP, the best ring selection goes to JP.
Ben is first and Chris Harrison is there, for no apparent reason. He says he loves her, know she loves him, and he is going to ask her to marry him because they have a fairytale. He talks about his dad and I want to jump in the television and save him from this nightmare.
Before she can say anything, he gets down on one knee and proposes, while she stands there like a moron, cries, and says she is sorry. All he can say is “wow”. She is talking about how hard it is when he cuts her off and bails. No bye, no hug, and she chases after him.
He is over it and just wants out. I’m guessing that as she is talking her voice sounds as annoying to him as it has been to us all season. I LOVE Ben and now want him to be the new Bachelor. He is really great and Ashley is a skanky, gross loser. Mean? Yes. True? Yes.
Then, to add insult to injury, as he is telling us that he just does not understand what happened, they put him in a boat and rather than drive along the shore, they drive him straight out into the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. It was freaking hilarious.
So it’s JP, as we knew it would be, and he gives her a killer ring. She gets to move to New York City, piss off her family, and be a laughing stock when she realizes that JP is not going to be forever. He will get his 15 minutes, and I predict be on next season’s Bachelor Pad.
After The Final Rose is next and the recapping is instant. Ben comes out and has to sit there while we watch him watching himself get dumped. He’s great and good things will happen for him. Ashley comes out, then JP. She’s sporting the ring, they are in love, and I’m not buying it.
The sister says she is sorry for doubting them. Whatever. She was right and should own it like she did in Fiji. She talks about how she is looking forward to family stuff like Christmas and Ashley corrects her and says Hanukkah. They will be long over by the holidays.
And so it is over. Hooray! It’s been a painful season to sit through and I hope the powers that be realize they picked a dud, and their choice for the next go round will determine if we will come back. I say I won’t watch, but I will, so all I can do is hope they keep it real.
August 1, 2011 | 12:25 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
“The Men Tell All” special aired on Sunday night as an appetizer to the main dish, which is the finale on Monday. It is sad that ABC dragged this out for four hours when the whole thing, both the men spilling the beans and the final rose, could have been done in an hour. The only thing more pathetic than four hours is that we all watched it.
The recapping on this train wreck is insane. We are shown the same things over and over again. If The Real Housewives are a crack addiction, The Bachelorette is cheep street heroin. I am not only embarrassed I watch this show, but mortified that I love it and still think it can work. My name is Ilana and I am a sucker for love.
By sucker for love of course I mean I no longer watch this crap fest because I like it, but because I am paid to write about it. If reality television is what the world is judging us on, we’ve got bigger problems than the debt ceiling. This show does not work, is harmful to women, and is all about fame whores trying to get their 15 minutes.
Chris Harrison refers to Bentley as the most hated man in America. Not so much. I dug him and thought he was great TV. Even after everything she went through, and the truth she now knows, Ashley says Bentley was only in it to win. How dumb can this girl be? He could have won and he left because he was not into her. He’s a no-show, and leaving was the win.
Harrison is recapping stuff we did not see and it is painful. We see JP break furniture and learn that Ashley snores. We see that Ames is really great and Mickey suffered genital mutilation on his date. Then Chris says the audience noticed her fruit bowl in Hong Kong had a banana that looked sexual. Really? They are desperate to fill 2 hours.
The producers of this garbage are bastards. Just as we are excited to know this is FINALLY over, they show us 10 minutes of The Bachelor Pad, which begins airing next Monday night. Dear Lord give me strength because I loved it. I’m in. I shall watch and I shall blog. This show is disgustingly fantastic and I, along with mandatory bottles of wine, will be watching.
After 33 minutes we finally get to the men telling all. Watching men act like women is gross. From Ryan’s cheerleading personality, to the mask guy, to the guy who trashed her at the roast, it’s lame. The funniest guy is Tim the drunk. He’s quite entertaining and it’s a shame he bailed so early, although I get the drinking to make listening to Ashley possible.
They spend a lot of time talking to William. It’s not just me who makes fun of this poor girl. The editors are clearly on a mission to humiliate her. My blog is quite gentle compared to how they have treated her in editing. I think William is a putz. By putz, of course I mean fame whore. He was never into Ashley, only into getting famous. Epic fail.
Ryan P. tried really hard to secure his spot as the next bachelor and it looks like he may have done it. He’s sweet, saving the planet, and a good looking guy, so good luck to him. That said, if he’s chosen I’m probably out. He’s either an actor or the sweetest guy on the planet and should not be given a shot. Who am I kidding? If he’s in, so am I.
Ames is either the sexiest man in America, or a serial killer who will snap at any moment. I love him. He also freaks me out a little. I think he should be the next Bachelor. He is charming, smart, romantic, funny, chivalrous, classy, and about 20 notches above any other Bachelor they have ever had. That said, he’s probably too smart to sign up for this crap.
I am bored out of my mind and we still have 30 minutes to go. So they bring Ashley out. She is wearing an insane amount of make up and is still in need of some chapstick. She keeps saying “like” and after one minute the tears are coming. She is spray tanned to the max, but it stops at her wrist. She is orange everywhere but on her hands, which looks weird.
I feel like I have been watching this for 4 hours and there are still 20 minutes to go. They bring back Jason, Deanna and Alli. Really? Who cares about these people anymore? Alli has nothing of interest to say and her voice gives me a headache and so I am going to fast forward over her. She is just as dumb as Ashley, and bores me.
Deanna? Who the hell is Deanna? I barely remember her so why is she there? Jason? Really? This whole alumni section is really stupid. We don’t care what these people say, and I would rip off my toenails with pliers if it meant this could be over. Make it stop! Even the bloopers are a waste of time and at least they should be funny right?
Tomorrow is the finale and Harrison keeps saying that “hopefully” Ashley will pick someone. What the hell does that mean? There is a recap of JP and Ben and she says she could marry them both. Blah. Blah Blah. We have all just thrown away two hours of our lives on a “reality” show that is completely unrealistic, and makes no real attempt to keep it real.
July 30, 2011 | 12:12 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I’m not a real user of Twitter. My blogs are tweeted by The Jewish Journal and me, but that is the extent of my Twitter use. I like the idea of it, and if I understood how it worked I’d probably use it more. I used to follow a lot of people but it became exhausting, as I felt obligated to read everything which is a full time job.
For the last couple of weeks, I have been following the Real Housewives of New York on Twitter. It is really fascinating to see how they all behave on television, and then see that it translates quite well to Twitter. The only real difference is that the desperation on Twitter is palpable. It is so intense that you can almost smell it.
Bethenny is quite interesting on Twitter. She tweets a lot. She updates her fans on things that Bryn has done, which is super cute. She rarely mentions her husband Jason, which seems odd. She never talks about anyone or anything to do with RHNYC, and she spends most of the time whoring out her products.
One person tweeted to ask if she had tasted the other low-cal margaritas that have been released. They said imitation was the best form of flattery, to which Bethenny replied that imitation is not flattery, but rather a lack of originality. She said she tried the other products and they did not taste as good as her Skinnygirl.
For a woman who built her career on copying other people, I think it’s hysterical that she says imitation is not flattering. There is nothing original about Bethenny or her brand. The fact that she is a “chef” who asks her Twitter followers for recipes, is proof that she is indeed brilliant, but not at all original.
Sidebar: I have tasted both the Skinnygirl margarita and the new one from Jose Cuervo, and the truth is they both taste like crap. If you drink enough of them they start to taste good, but that’s true of anything after a couple of drinks. If you are going to enjoy a drink, just enjoy it and stay away from these glasses of yuck.
Sonja uses a lot of her tweets to beg people to like her on Facebook and sign up for her newsletter. On one single day she tweeted 7 times for people to sign up for her newsletter, which she lets us know, includes recipes. It’s quite sad but still appealing. She writes to thank her fans for support and it’s oddly sincere.
If you can look beyond the desperation, Sonja is kind, means well, and is cute on Twitter. Alex on the other hand, is annoying and her husband is pathetic. He responds to every single tweet and is bitchy. This guy is a mess and should be banned from Twitter as he refuses to ever keep to 140 characters.
Alex and Simon refer to their kids as “the chums” which is irritating after 50 times. They talk about every single thing they are doing and I would be surprised that they don’t tweet during sex, except that I don’t think they have sex. They are best friends, have a tight and connected marriage, but he’s not swimming in the lady pond.
That said, Alex has a certain tranny quality about her so maybe that’s why it works for them. Perhaps Alexandra was once an Alexander, and that is how it works so well. They are both offensive on the show and offensive on Twitter. I truly think they are hurtful people and they are sucking the joy out of watching RHNYC.
Cindy is on Twitter and is neither offensive nor interesting. Kelly Tweets a lot and shares what she is doing, where she is going, and asks a lot of questions to her followers. She wants to know what people are doing, how they are, and there is a sense of friendship. She is quite simple on Twitter, which makes sense.
Ramona tweets a lot about selling her Pinot Grigio. She is on a mission to get it in every store in America and she spends a lot of time using Twitter to help make that happen. She also spends a lot of time talking about her romantic life with Mario, which makes me laugh. If you have to keep saying it, it’s probably not true.
Jill also hocks her wares a lot of Twitter, but remains funny. There is something authentic about her to me. Maybe it’s her Jewish sensibilities that I respond to, but I like her on Twitter because even when she is working it, she is funny and can laugh at herself. I can see how people might not get Jill, and that’s too bad.
LuAnn is the least offensive cast member on Twitter. She stays in touch, but not obsessively like the others. She let’s people know what she is doing, thanks them for their support, and lives a life outside of all the housewives crap. In comparison to my friends, LuAnn is the most “normal” in her use of Twitter.
Twitter is an interesting thing, and for these housewives who so shamelessly show their desperation on television, they might want to rethink using this service. It’s not for everyone, and in the case of most of these women, only proves that they are in fact desperate in their search for fame, and have no interest in keeping it real.
July 26, 2011 | 12:48 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Part one of the NYC reunion was interesting. By interesting of course I mean a lot of shouting and behaving badly. On a regular week it is embarrassing to admit that I watch this show, but today is rougher than usual. These chicks are crazy. By “these” of course I mean Ramona and Alex. I find myself actually picking sides, which is insane.
The line has been drawn in the sand and there are clearly two different camps. There is not a lot of love in the room, and even the ones who are apparently friends, get in a few jabs at each other. I think its time for me to just come clean and admit that I love this show. I dig these chicks, and I am sad the season is over. Such a pathetic admission.
It’s also important to note that I am in love with Andy Cohen. He makes me feel bipolar because I go from loving him, to thinking he is out of control for allowing these chicks on television, but in the end I think I just love him. He is funny, smart, and handsome. He has gotten millions of people addicted to his crack, with no prison time. Bravo indeed.
I am not sure how to even recap this show. There was so much yelling and craziness it was hard to follow, and trying to write about it is giving me a headache. The headache could be because I just sat through two hours of The Bachelorette, but still it’s pounding and I cannot go through the show with a fine tooth comb and break it down keeping it real style.
Instead, here is my take on each of the women as we say goodbye to yet another season. Sidebar: Why the hell are they still talking about Bethenny? At some point they all need to move on and let that go. Bethenny is no longer a part of this show and they don’t need to talk about her anymore. You know Bethenny is at home watching, and loving it.
A few thoughts:
Alex: She is quite disgusting. She looks like a tranny and does not stop talking. She adds nothing of interest to this show, and they need to not invite her back. Her husband is nauseating and makes me cringe.
Cindy: Good for her that she came on and propelled her business. I like her, and would suggest that moving forward, she try to not discuss her children or how she cares for them, because it’s just not good.
Kelly: She is a little odd, but in the end she means well, loves her kids, and supports her friends. She came into her own when Bethenny left in terms of feeling secure, but she also got a little boring without the conflict.
Sonja: I love her. She is the most beautiful one, the sweetest one, and the one who needs the show more than anyone else. I think she is lovely and hope she recovers from this year, which was rather dark for her.
Ramona: She is a hurtful, vindictive, drunk, mean girl who is delusional, and living a lie. Her husband is cheating on her, her daughter is getting ready to leave the nest, and she is unable to rise above it all and simply breathe.
LuAnn: I think she was the classiest this season. She defended herself, but managed to walk away from messes and be a lady. I like her, like her boyfriend, and wish her well. She has earned the joy she has found.
Jill: What can we say about Jill? I think she is the most authentic in terms of how women really are and talk to each other. She is funny and sweet and I like her, which has nothing to do with her being Jewish.
In anticipation of part two of the reunion next week, I am going to start drinking at noon on Wednesday so I can be relaxed enough to pay attention and listen over the screaming to what is being said. This week was fascinating to watch, but impossible to recap. Mostly because it was a bunch of women, acting crazy, and not listening to each other.
On Watch What Happens Live, Neil Patrick Harris suggested to Andy that he let all the ladies go and start over with a new cast. Those may be the smartest words ever spoken about this show, and NPH’s referring to Alex as Frankenstein, may be the funniest. This show has hit rock bottom and the only way to save it is to lose dead weight.
I have now watched it twice in an attempt to blog about it, and still don’t think I heard half of what they were all saying. The star of this reunion was Andy Cohen. How he made it through is beyond me because 90 minutes about did me in. I will be back after part two, but will I be able to actually write a recap blog? I’m keeping the faith.