July 19, 2011 | 9:17 am

The Bachelorette Scratches her Head and Picks her Teeth Across America

Posted by Ilana Angel

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The end is near!  We are almost done with Ashley the Bachelorette and I for one am really excited.  I predict that whomever she is with, is not who she will marry, and that after the final rose, she will cry and scratch herself out of our minds, and we’ll quickly be done with her. Hooray!

We are in Philadelphia with Ashley and she is going on and on about nothing. She walks into her fake apartment and goes to sit on a stool. She lifts one leg to get on and she almost falls off the other side because her bowlegs are so severe, one leg up allows her to straddle the chair and lose balance.  Funny.

She is recapping how she met the final four and it’s nauseating. If I were the guy she picked, and I’m sitting at home watching, I’m pissed off.  I’m also wondering about her unfortunate legs, constant head scratching, why she picks her teeth with her tongue, and talks wit her mouth full.

When we met Ashley was she not from Maine?  She is off to meet the guy’s families, and I’m drinking tequila tonight.  Wine is just not going to cut it and as my Twitter pal Kate let me know, there is not enough wine in Napa to get through this week.

We start in Georgia with Constantine.  Ashley is making weird faces and for the love of God why is she trying to flatten out her bangs in the wind? They go to his restaurant and I already know she will gross me out before we get there.  He is proud of his work, and family, and it’s very sweet.

They are making a pizza and her hair is falling into the food, she is fake laughing, and as the waitresses gather in the window to watch them, I can’t help but wonder how many he has bedded.  They are cute girls, and he’s the handsome boss, so come on.  It’s happened.

Constantine’s family hangs a sign and balloons welcoming him home.  His sister is beautiful, and his parents are sweet, but clearly not feeling her.  They don’t get it that love can be found like this.  They want it all to slow down and they will squash it.  Family trumps Ms. Itchyhead.

They surprise Constantine with the whole family coming over.  It’s a scene out of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and I don’t see Ashley in this family. The grandmother sitting on the couch clapping was the best part.  I love that woman, and I love that Constantine’s dad calls her Ass-ley.

We’re off to see Ames in Pennsylvania. I think he is odd, magnificent, smart and charming, but sadly he loves her.  Her legs are out of control.  It’s appears that she is now walking on the sides of her feet because they can actually no long lay flat on the ground.

Ame’s family wants so much for him to be happy, but they see that this is just not going to happen for him.  His sister knows her brother is going to get crushed and she is trying hard to talk Ashley into him, but it’s a waste of time.  He is lovely and smart, and Ashley is too dumb to get it.

Ame’s sister tells him everything Ashley told her, then tells him to get his romance on so she can see he has that in him.  He loves her and it’s too bad. They are on a picnic and he is so smart, but she believes they think the same.  How can she manage to survive when she is so dumb?

Off to Sonoma to meet Ben.  His family has the best shot of liking her because there is wine everywhere. They go to his winery for a picnic and Ashley says she wished her mom was there because she would love it.  Ben says she can come visit “for the holidays”. Which was funny.

I’m not sure why it cracked me up, but it did. He said she should come, then remembered it was a mother-in-law, and quickly limited it to the holidays.  I loved it.  I like Ben.  Much more than I like his twin brother Constantine. Ben tells her if his family does not like her, she’s out.

Ben’s sister Julia looks just like Kat von D without the tattoos.  Ben is really great.  He is telling his mom he is sorry for not being a better son when his dad died.  He tells us about his father, and is crying, and I am officially in love with Ben, and sincerely hope that he is not the one she picks.

We’re in Long Island with JP.  He’s such a girl.  I love him, and am happy there is a token Jew in the final four, but he’s a bit of a whiner and immediately tells Ashley he did not sleep the night before.  Yuck.  He is taking her roller-skating and the fake laughing is getting on my nerves.

JP is talking about his broken heart again.  I always pull for the Jew on a reality television show to rock, so people can see that we do rock, but then the Jew is always creepy, Big Brother, or lame, Amazing Race.  I like JP but in the end the Jew is a bit of a pussy, which is a shame.

JP’s mom has the best reaction of all the moms in seeing her baby.  She makes lasagna for dinner, which is a drag.  I wish it had been a brisket.  JP is sitting alone with his mom and then it happens.  JP picks his teeth with his tongue.  It’s over.  Ashley has the man of her dreams in JP.

JP’s mom breaks out his Bar Mitzvah picture, which is awesome.  They were Jewish enough to have a Bar Mitzvah, but not enough to care he might marry a non-Jewish girl? I predict she picks him and they have a great 3 weeks together before they announce they are breaking up.

Sidebar:  JP’s family is talking a lot about his broken heart and I want to know what happened.  They make it all sound so dramatic.  We’ve all suffered a broken heart but this seems a little more than just a break up.  If anyone has the scoop on what exactly happened, share the dirt.

They are back at the house so Harrison can work for two minutes and get paid.  The car comes up, the door opens, Chris puts out his hand to help her out, and she shakes it.  She is so dumb.  Ashley is wearing an insane amount of hair extensions and the recapping is a bore.

Important to note that tequila makes this show a lot better.  I love me some wine to be sure, but the edges are just a little smoother with the hard stuff. It is clearly a magic potion because after a couple of shots, her laugh did not make me want to carve “shut up” on my arm with a steak knife.

At the rose ceremony Ames is sent home and his facial expression is very sad and he truly was surprised to be let go.  He truly appeared to be confused and I felt bad for him.  He’s a little weird, in the best possible way, and his parting words to her, and in the car, are classy.

Next week we are going to Fiji.  There will be three dates with the overnight card, then her family will come and crap will hit the fan. Someone comes back to see her and if it’s Bentley I am going to choke on my own vomit and not be able to blog the finale, which will be a drag.

It’s hard to believe there are only two weeks to go.  By hard to believe of course I mean it’s hard to believe I have not broken my television or seriously harmed myself while watching this crap fest.  Next week will be nauseating, but I will be back, watching, laughing, and keeping it real.

July 14, 2011 | 11:03 pm

Real Housewives of New York City - Ramona is Mean, Not Pregnant

Posted by Ilana Angel

It’s Thursday night so I’m front and center watching the housewives of New York City.  Let the madness begin.  We start off with LuAnn in a meeting about her new music video.  Her assistant is there and let me just say: yummy. Countless thinks AC sounds for air conditioning not Atlantic City.

The meeting is funny because LuAnn has a vision of what she wants and they clearly don’t want to spend any money. It’s a video fit for a Countess on a Kmart budget.  We’ve all seen the video by now so we know how it turned out. I’ve got it at the end of the blog should you want to watch it.

Sonja and Ramona are at the gym.  Ramona is whoring out her company on her shirt, and Sonja looks like she has not washed her hair in a month.  Ramona is telling Sonja she is not going to be in the music video because it’s inappropriate and not cool in front of her kids.  Is Ramona high?

She says she is concerned the video will be on the Internet for everyone to see and she does not want to embarrass her child.  Really?  Does she not remember when she dry humped Mario’s foot a couple of weeks ago?  Or her drunken flirting with the Hooters guy?  Ramona is a joke.

Sonja thinks she needs to bow out also so she does not embarrass her daughter.  Is Bravo paying these ladies in crack?  Sonja is a mess and has been humiliating her self, and thus her daughter, all season.  Put down the pipe Sonja and step away from Ramona.  She is dragging you down.

We are schlepping to Brooklyn, which always me gag.  It’s lovely that Alex is so open to hanging out with Simon’s lovers.  Francois wants to get some beer and they don’t get up to tell him no, just sit at the fire and casually tell him he’s not allowed, to which he responds, “I want more”. 

His alcoholic dad is living in the closet, which is a shame.  Simon tells Alex that the drinking age in Australia is 18 so Francois can drink in their house at 18.  Alex makes her constipated face and the NYPD is making a note when to come bust drunky pants for letting his kids drink.

Simon’s brother is visiting and he tells Alex that if she wants to do LuAnn’s video she will miss their leaving.  Alex is boycotting the video shoot because of the message.  She’s not about “class” and would rather use the other “C” word than the word class in her everyday language. 

When someone says the word “class” she sings over it so she can’t hear. Seriously?  She says her mother would die, then come back from the dead and disown her.  We learn that Alex grew up with money in Kansas.  Nobody asks where she is from, because nobody cares.

Simon makes me cringe, but Alex looked pretty sitting by the fire.  She gets flustered, calls LuAnn a wannabe, and mocks her for using a title that does not belong to her.  Simon says another idiotic thing, so I’m skipping over Brooklyn from now on.  I just cannot watch them.

It’s time for a little Jill Zarin.  She is having some kind of brain scan by some doctor that Sonja found.  Sonja joins in and tells Jill she is worried about the video.  Hard to pay attention with the doctor futzing around with Jill’s head.  It’s hilarious.  Jill calls out Sonja and blames Ramona.

Jill is a straight shooter and tells Sonja that she needs to do what she wants, not what Ramona says.  I feel bad for Sonja.  She is so sweet and I love her, but she is getting in with the wrong crowd.  She would do herself a favor by aligning with Jill instead of Ramona.  It’s just too bad.

Ramona and LuAnn meet so she can tell her she cannot do the video because she is a role model for Avery and it sets a bad tone.  Wait here, I need to get a drink.——————————I’m back.  LuAnn is pissed off, Ramona is bashing LuAnn, and it’s crazy.  Ramona has officially lost her mind.

She tells LuAnn that Avery turned out well because she spends so much time with her, something that LuAnn does not do with her own kids.  Just last week Avery said she NEVER sees her mother and they are rarely together. I get that Bravo is paying in crack, but can’t it be better crack?

These chicks are smoking street garbage and it’s not cool.  LuAnn is calm but clearly upset.  She wonders how the video is not cool but “Turtletime” is. Ramona says her family of three consults on everything and they don’t want her to do it.  She has different parenting “skills” than LuAnn.

LuAnn is seething when Ramona says she is sorry she was not married 18 years like her, and it’s a shame that her husband cheated “left and right”.  LuAnn gathers up her Countess self and leaves. She is nice and sweet, but I bet she cried as soon as she left. I would have.

Important to note I don’t drink white wine so Ramona will not get rich off my weekly bout of alcoholism, and I don’t enjoy drinking cow urine, so neither will Bethenny.  We are at minute 28 and I am on my second glass.  I wonder if Bravo will pay for my rehab should it come to that.

Sonja’s house is full of “interns”.  Translation: young actors who want to be on television and are willing to dote on her in exchange for some TV time.  I love Sonja and feel so sad for her situation.  Not bad enough to think her behavior is okay, but sad to see her suffering so deeply.

Cindy is at Sonja’s trying to be friends, and Cindy brings her assistant, then takes a call in the middle of the breakfast.  Not cool.  I love Cindy but the fact is she should not have gone if she was busy and if the call came up last minute, she’s the boss, push it 30 minutes.

Cindy is on the call and Sonja is banging around the kitchen making noise on purpose. Cindy is into her work first, her kids 2nd and her friends 3rd. The thing is, she and Sonja are more cast mates than friends so she needs to not bother.  I felt annoyed by the whole thing.  I love wine.

At the end of the day this show is about picking sides.  I’m on the Jill, Kelly, Cindy, LuAnn side.  Ramona, Sonja and Alex are on their own.  My hope is that Sonja realizes she has gone to the dark side. It’s not too late.  Reach out to the good girls and save yourself!  We have room for you.

It’s video shoot time and it’s cute.  Jill is adorable, and LuAnn is excited.  It’s friends having fun.  Sadly, in the middle of our video fun, we go back to Brooklyn.  Dear Lord.  Mario, Ramona and Sonja are going to some event at Alex’s house.  Mario is hitting on Sonja in the car.  Yuck.

It’s an art event and I am fascinated that while hosting people in his home, with cameras, Simon wears a sweater with a hole in it. Classy.  Sidebar:  We see a sneak peek for next week and Ramona might be pregnant.  Are they serious?  She almost 60!  It’s menopause Grandma.

Are we supposed to believe that 55 year old Ramona Singer honestly thinks that a late period means she is pregnant?  Does she just want us to think she is sleeping with her husband?  Of course he has sex with you Ramona, he has sex with everyone.  The pregnancy storyline is lame.

Back in AC, Jill is with Bobby, and his son Jonathon.  Kelly joins them and just when I’m having fun again, we’re back in Brooklyn.  Who cares?  We are at minute 49 and I am excited to skip over Brooklyn, only to end up at a dance class with Ramona and whiney Avery.

Alex, Sonja, Ramona and Avery are taking a dance class.  I have it muted and am watching them dance to Chic C’est la Vie.  It’s awesome and I suggest trying it.  Back at the video, we hear Cindy could not come because she needed to be with her kids.  Really?  I’m not buying it.

Her kids are little, still take naps, and she has nannies.  She could have come, but was working.  Own it Cindy.  You are an impressive career woman and a new mom. Blame work, not your kids.  We get it.  When they get older your focus will change.  It’s all good.

This episode was billed as really great, but not so much. Cindy was harsh, Sonja was unraveling, Ramona was insane, Kelly was Kelly, Jill was hilarious, LuAnn was hurt, and Alex was constipated.  Am I excited there is only one more week to sit through? Yes. Just keeping it real.

 

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July 14, 2011 | 9:39 am

Keeping The Faith With Jill Zarin

Posted by Ilana Angel

Jill Zarin is a reality television star from The Real Housewives of New York City.  I have wanted to talk to her for a while because she has become a lightening rod for my blog.  I was going to write about our conversation her on my reality blog,  but in the end, felt the conversation belonged at Keeping the Faith as it’s more about her, than her show.  You can read the article here: Keeping The Faith with Jill Zarin

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July 12, 2011 | 12:43 pm

Ashley The Bachelorette Takes Her Train Wrecks to Taiwan

Posted by Ilana Angel

I usually watch The Bachelorette and blog in real time.  I post it as soon as it ends airing and off to bed I go.  This week was different however.  I am writing and posting in the morning because I could not focus on writing while watching this insanely entertaining and stupid train wreck.

I watched in amazement, going in and out of consciousness and having temporary moments of blindness, while still managing to laugh my ass off and drink two glasses of wine.  Ashley is officially the most annoying person on television, while Chris Harrison has the dumbest job in America.

There is so much to talk about this week!  We are in Taiwan and it’s gorgeous. They are all so lucky to be there and I can’t help but wish ABC would use the money they spent on sending Chris Harrison around the world on helping homeless vets because he is useless on this show.

We have six men left and we will go down to the four who will get hometown dates next week.  JP is getting all clingy, Constantine and Ben are twins which is weird, Lucas is delusional, Ames should be the next Bachelor, and Ryan is going to make a pitch to be selected.  Just wait.

Ben gets the first one on one date.  I mean Constantine.  I mean Ben.  Who can tell the difference? It’s weird how similar they look, and by weird of course I mean creepy.  Constantine is sweet but this is just not his thing. He’s too guarded and has not bought into the process enough.

They take a train to a remote town and it’s incredibly romantic.  Shame it’s wasted on these two.  They have no chemistry.  Why does Ashley insist on wearing high heels when she cannot walk in them?  Furthermore, why not wear flowing dresses so we cannot see her leg situation?

They are now having dinner and I want to pull my own teeth out with pliers. She is picking her teeth with her tongue and playing with her hair over her food.  She grosses me out.  She is touchy feely with him, but him not so much with her.  He’s operating in slow motion and she’s quite loose.

They release paper lanterns into the sky and it is spectacular.  They then have the most passionless kiss in television history.  It looks just horrible. Remember the reality show where the chick married the millionaire after one day?  Well they had better chemistry than these two.

The next date is with Constantine’s separated at birth brother, Ben.  They go on vespa ride through the Taiwan countryside and it’s beautiful.  He is sweet and has much more personality than his brother. Ashley is finally wearing flat shoes, and can walk which is a pleasant change.

Ben and Ashley go to dinner and he tells us he is falling in love with her, but is not ready to tell her.  He is lovely but while he is talking I am fantasizing about cutting his hair.  He looks like a 12 year old and needs a hair cut. Ashley is asking stupid questions, and smacking her lips.

How can they afford to send them all around the world, but not buy her a Chapstick?  She is picking her teeth again, and playing with her bangs, over her food.  He is opening his heart to her and it’s charming but she appears to not even be listening.  She’s more interested in making out.

Ben spends the night out with Ashley and it puts JP over the edge.  JP, Lucas and Ames are waiting to go on their group date, but with Ben not home, they just wait. It’s lame.  Ben says he didn’t know he was spending the night, but he walked in with a suitcase.  This show is ridiculous.

The group date is taking wedding photos.  Really?  Ashley says having a wedding photo will let her now what it’s like to be married to these guys.  Really? She is so dumb.  Bless her heart.  Lucas is in traditional Taiwanese garb, Ames is a disco king, and JP is James Bond.  Lame. Lame. Lame.

Lucas is a bore, Ames is adorable, and JP is a whining baby.  Ashley comes out and not one of them tells her she looks good.  Probably because she doesn’t.  Ashley makes out with each of them, in front of the others, and it’s hilarious.  JP is not into it and their pictures are miserable.

JP, the cute Jewish boy, is now a complaining and annoying woos.  Not cute.  Lucas tells Ashley he was uncomfortable in the Taiwanese dress and his southern homophobia is unattractive.  They have no chemistry, he’s divorced, and it’s not going to happen for him.  He’s out.

Ames shows Loser pictures of him as a kid, and of his family.  I love Ames. He’s smart and sexy.  He was odd to me in the beginning and I was not into him, but I dig him now.  He should be the Bachelor and he should be shirtless. A lot.  She will go to his house, but then dump him.

JP is complaining and becoming less and less attractive.  Why does the Jewish guy have to be a freak?  That said, perhaps he is the smart one, milking his insecurity to get the one rose that is available on the group date? Bam!  JP makes a fool out of himself, but scores the rose.  Go Jew!

Ryan finally gets a one on one date.  He got the first impression rose, but this is their first date alone.  He’s so going home.  The only question is will he leave with dignity or tears?  Poor Ryan. He’s about to humiliate himself in an attempt to be the next Bachelor.

They are in a temple, hundreds of people are praying, and Ashley says “Isn’t this crazy?”  It’s not crazy, it’s beautiful moron.  They make a wish to the matchmaking gods and it is determined that it will not come true.  He is crushed and she is relieved.  I just opened another bottle of wine.

Ryan is cute.  Poor thing.  He is so into her and she could care less.  I am embarrassed for him.  He is into the environment and saving the earth, while she is not.  He is too smart for her.  Barney the dinosaur is too smart for her.  He is talking water heaters and she is lost.  Dumbass.

Ashley is dumping him in a pile of lies and fake crying.  Ryan’s facial expressions are perfection.  He is the best bad actor ever.  I LOVE this guy right now.  He has never looked cuter, or been sexier in the entire season as he does with his heart being fake broken.  Love, love, love, it.

He is moaning, and breathing deeply, and sighing and it’s classic.  He is putting on the best “Pick me as the next Bachelor” audition ever.  He is fighting back tears, in shock, talking about not wanting to be alone, and he walks off camera in true reality TV dramatic fashion.  Dear Lord.

These five minutes with Ryan are worth sitting through this most horrible of seasons.  I love you Ryan.  Call me.  I’ll buy you a drink and help you find a girl.  Love the crying, love the pink shirt, love the water heater story, love you walking by the bridal shop and hailing a cab.  Love it all.

I am laughing so hard I spilled my wine.  I love to hate this show.  There are five men left and Ashley knows who she is dumping so she skips cocktails and goes straight to crushing.  She is talking to Harrison and I have hit the mute button.  Ashley is fascinating if you can’t hear her.

In fact, if you mute the sound and make up the words for her and Harrison, it is perfection.  He is telling her how great it is that he gets to travel around for free and do nothing, and she is asking him if he can he see the bugs in her bangs, then she offers him some food from her teeth.

If there are four men without a rose, and three roses, does Harrison really need to announce when two are gone and there is only one left?  I want to scream.  I miss Ryan.  Ashley sees her husband in the room.  She is hallucinating from the smell of her unwashed hair.  Poor girl.

Lucas is out.  JP, Constantine, Ben and Ames are getting the hometown dates.  They are playing dramatic Asian dumping music, which is awesome. Lucas is classy in his leaving.  Calls her Sweetheart, hugs her and bails.  Nice. He will be married to a nice girl from church in minutes.

Ashley is crying again complaining that maybe she is not cut out for this.  I am not sure how much more of this chick I can take.  I want to impale myself.  Before we get a sneak peek at next week, it’s time to catch up with Emily and hear about how she and Brad are broken up.  Surprise!

Emily looks great, but I don’t understand why she keeps sniffing and dabbing her eyes with a tissue when she has no tears.  She is fake crying.  Why Emily?  Why you?  She is going to be the next Bachelorette and is playing the role, but I expected more from her.  Damn it.

She is beautiful and should be happy that she dumped Brad.  He is a loser and never should have been given a second shot at this train wreck.  He is a pig and television needs to leave him alone. We’re over it.  If he starts appearing on crap like Jake I will be pissed off.

Chris Harrison is sitting there while she pours her heart out and his facial expressions are ridiculous. Everyone loves Emily so they need to work really hard to get her.  They know we are pissed off that they stuck us with Ashley, so getting her is their only chance to get us back.

Hometowns are awesome and I can’t wait because the families are entertaining.  It’s predictable, but too late to stop now.  At this point we are in it to the end.  My job is to do what the people who make The Bachelorette have been unable to do for years.  I’m keeping it real!

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July 8, 2011 | 9:41 am

Real Housewives of New York City: The Collapse of Sonja Morgan

Posted by Ilana Angel

It’s another Thursday night in New York City and as I sit down to watch the train wreck, I am wishing I did drugs.  Nothing too heavy, just enough to take the edge off of this show.  I could argue that I am already doing crack just by watching, but still, you need a little something to get through it most weeks.  I’ve poured a glass of wine and buckled up, so here we go.

We start with Sonja and Ramona shopping for clothes for a burlesque themed party that Sonja is throwing.  She tells us she is a supporter of the arts and she likes to throw parties.  Sidebar:  For someone who is going through a very public bankruptcy, how is it that she is throwing another party?  Sonja is letting loose more than being a patron of the arts.

If I were Sonja I would be more focused on how I am being portrayed on television because if I were her ex-husband, I would want my kid out of her care.  From what we are seeing, she is clearly suffering some kind of mental breakdown and I would not want my 10 year old daughter in that environment. She appears to be more whorey than mommy.

Avery is with them and she is mortified to be looking for lingerie with her mom.  She enjoys reminding her mother how old she is.  She has never been in the show a lot but is popping up quite a bit this season.  I’m thinking it’s because Ramona felt she needed the back up since we all think she is a raging alcoholic who is being cheated on by her husband.

There is a great tranny helping Sonja with eyelashes and Ramona immediately gets uncomfortable.  Ramona is homophobic, and watching Sonja charge her purchase is sad.  Sonja is unstable and Ramona needs to spend a couple of hours trapped in an elevator with a bottle of pinot and a fabulous transsexual to get over her fear.  I’d like to be there too.

We then head over to Jill who is with Ginger and heading to see Ali, by train, at school.  She is bundled up, with perfect hair and makeup, and an array of bags, schlepping onto the train and I love her.  No car service, just a train ticket and a scooped out bagel.  I dig this chick and the more I like her, the more I think Bethenny is ungrateful and delusional.

Jill gets to Ali and they head out for lunch.  Ali is explaining that she is a vegetarian.  A vegetarian who happens to eat chicken and white meat turkey. Right.  It’s so ridiculous that it’s cute.  As they walk into the restaurant, Jill tells her to ask the server if you can be a vegetarian and eat chicken.  I love it that she tells Ali to get a second opinion.  Hilarious.

Ali looks pretty.  She is telling her mom about her classes and Jill is getting the mother of a teenager eye twitch.  Ali is explaining a sex class she takes and the twitch begins.  Ali tells her she wants to be a sex columnist and Jill tells her she wants her to be happy, and then tells us she does not want her to be a sex columnist.  Love it that her instinct is to not squash Ali’s dream.

Sidebar:  We all know I think Bethenny Frankel is a liar who is taking advantage of young dumb girls by selling them loads of crap, and she got famous because of Jill.  It’s a shame her ego is so big because the best thing she could of done for her little girl was to have a relationship with Jill and learn from her as a mother. Karma is circling back on that one.

Jill and Ali go shopping and it’s fabulous.  Ali tries stuff on while Jill sits and tells her if it’s good or horrible.  It’s quite funny and reminds me of both me and my mother, and me and my son.  They are fun.  We then head over to LuAnn who is giving Victoria a driving lesson.  I like her too.  She is a fun mom and seems to be in tune with her kids.

Some think she is phony and pretentious, putting on an act for the cameras, but at the end of the day her kids love her, and she has a respect for them that I think is appealing and authentic.  She laughs with her kids, and her desire to be both a friend and a mother is something we all strive for.  She’s doing great, particularly after such a rough year.

Important to note that we are at minute 16 and have not seen Alex or Simon and it is glorious.  Proof that those two parasites do not need to come back as they add nothing to this show.  Avery meets Ramona for lunch and it’s awkward.  Ramona is very competitive with her daughter and it’s gross.  She has to one up her on every single thing the poor girl says.

If Avery has a headache, Ramona has a brain tumor.  If Avery has a stomachache, Ramona has an ulcer.  Avery is busy, but Ramona is busier. It’s disgusting.  Avery airs a bunch of dirty laundry about her parents and rather than respond to it, Ramona tells us that her teenager is hormonal.  Ramona is so selfish that’s its entertaining.  To everyone but Avery I’m sure.

Avery tells us Ramona and Mario are never home, never tell her where they are, and apparently do not make arrangements for her to have dinner as she is waiting for them at 9:30 having not eaten.  Ramona tries to look like she gives a crap and brings out a folder marked Avery as if parenting her daughter is another project like wine or jewelry.

She says she knows Avery is taking exams, but Avery tells her the exams are already done and she got her marks already.  Ramona is so busy with Ramona, she did not know the PSAT tests were done already?  Ramona needs to stay home more and Mario needs to stop banging other chicks and spend time with his daughter.  These two suck.

Avery writes a paper for school about her mom and reads it on camera. Really?  Avery is securing her trust fund because all implications would be that se has no relationship with her mother.  In fact, she just told us that point blank.  Ramona is in recovery mode and perhaps trying to establish their relationship so she can dump Mario the dog.

Sonja is trying on costumes for her party and I want to scream.  She is pathetic and seriously not thinking about her kid.  She looks like a whore, who is high, and talks about all the money she is dropping on clothes when she is in the middle of a bankruptcy.  She even tells us she is trying on the lingerie in front of her 10 year old.  Why is nobody helping her?

Sonja needs an intervention and rather than focus on being a whore to get attention and feel good about herself, she needs to shut up and pray her kid never sees this show.  Ramona shows up and reminds us she is homophobic, meanwhile seeing Sonja at home is a train wreck.  She is going to lose her kid and she will have only herself to blame.

Kelly and LuAnn are out for a drink.  LuAnn is happy in her relationship and Kelly is looking for one.  Kelly is sweet but has a level of immaturity that I don’t get. She is a little odd when it comes to men, dating, and love.  I like her though, and hope she meets someone great.  She’s had a tough time and needs to meet someone fabulous.  She is kooky, and kooky is good.

LuAnn tells her a story about when she met Prince William and he shook her hand.  Great story but unless I see a pic, I’m not buying it.  LuAnn is fabulous and does not need to take us down memory lane of her time as a Countess. We don’t care and it rings not as pretentious, but simply as a lie.  I’m not buying it, but I like her, and she needs to cut the stories.

Sonja’s dog pees on the floor and her friend tells us she pees on herself all the time.  Classy.  LuAnn goes to hear her new song with creepy music guy who thinks she sounds like Mariah Carey.  He’s either high, learning impaired or deaf.  Jill comes to hear Chic C’est la Vie for the first time.  Jill takes credit for LuAnn’s singing success, which I love.

Jill is giving input on the song and it’s hilarious.  Record guy is about to have his head explode from Jill’s input.  Poor Jill.  She really does want to help people and there is nothing malicious.  I would rather be friends with Jill than Bethenny.  That said, thinking you know these people and could be their friends based on this show, is crazy talk.

It’s time for Sonja’s party and Mario arrives looking like a pimp. Brian the artist is there and it would appear he plays for both teams.  Mario is drooling over all the boobs.  It’s now 44 minutes in and we finally see Alex and Simon.  Just when I was starting to enjoy myself, I now want to hurl.  LuAnn and Jacques are there, not in costume, which is better.

In the middle of the party Simon decides to talk to Jill and goes to Alex to wish him luck.  Dear Lord.  Simon is a pig, his wife is pathetic, and seeing them makes me sick.  Why Bravo?  Why?  Poor Jill is again accosted at a party and it’s lame.  Kelly is talking to Jill and when Simon approaches her, Jill walks away which is awesome, then Bobby steps in.

I love Bobby Zarin.  Love him.  Simon goes to Jill again and Bobby mediates the conversation.  He does not leave Jill’s side while Simon is talking to her and I think it’s so romantic.  I want a Bobby Zarin.  Simon tells her he is sorry and gets all weepy.  He says he is going to stop and wants to move forward.  He is a lying sack of crap.

Jill feels the need to defend herself to the camera and tell us again she has changed which is just sad to me.  We like you Jill.  Changed or not, does not matter.  We see you, and it’s all good.  This show has crushed her spirit and that’s a drag.  Cindy turns up, late like she always does, but in time for Sonja’s show which is about to begin.

Sonja tells us she has royalty at her party and it was serious, yet she is hammered and makes a fool out of herself.  I like burlesque and think it’s sexy.  The real dancer was fabulous, then it was Sonja’s turn and my eyes started bleeding.  Sonja was ridiculous and it was more sad and pathetic than entertaining.  Bravo is not helping her, which is unfortunate.

I want Jill to stop defending herself, Sonja to get help, Kelly to get swept off her feet, LuAnn to convert and marry Jacques, Ramona to dump Mario, Alex to get fired, and Cindy to show some interest in even being on this show.  I also want Andy Cohen to get some balls and fix what he has broken.  Andy should give me a call so I can remind him how to keep it real.

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July 7, 2011 | 12:27 am

America Really Does Have Talent & I LOVE This Guy!

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have decided that sharing this video must happen, even though it means I have now publicly admitted that I watch America’s Got Talent.  I know you probably all suspected it since I have a reality television addition, but now it’s official.  I watch this crap, I am in love with Landau Eugene Murphy, Jr., and I will buy his CD.  He is brilliant and a very good reason to tune in each week.  Good luck Landau.  You are an amazing talent and I hope America votes for you and keeps it real!

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July 3, 2011 | 10:30 pm

The Real Housewives of New York City: Tweeting Twits

Posted by Ilana Angel

There are no words to express how embarrassed I am that I watch this show.  It is horrible, some of the cast are mortifying, and story lines are pathetic.  Yet I watch, blog, and secretly love it.  By love it of course I mean it’s crack and I can’t stop watching it.  It took me 4 days to get through this week’s episode.  I started and stopped at least a dozen times which has never happened before.  I love writing about this show, but this week was painful.  It was the first time I wrote because it’s my job, not because I love it.

This week’s show started off with Ramona planning her own birthday party. She is checking out a venue with Kelly and Alex and I already don’t care. These women are not friends so why would they go together?  When they force situations together it’s lame.  Ramona and Alex are wearing ridiculous outfits.  At what point are they going to realize they are too old for mini skirts and hooker boots? Ramona is making her birthday an event for Sonja too.  It will be a joint party, with Sonja’s part being a surprise.

Ramona does not strike me as one who would want to share the spotlight, so this is about showing Sonja how much more Ramona has than her.  She talks about how they are like sisters, which is weird because I think her “sister” is sleeping with her husband.  Ramona is telling Alex and Kelly about how great they both are for giving her such great energy, then lets us know her party will be better than Avery’s.  What?  She is trying to outdo her own child’s party?  Ramona is selfish and it’s not cool.

Cindy is having a party to launch her self-waxing kit and jeweled decals for your private parts.  It’s cute but I think it’s a chick thing and seeing a bow over a man’s penis is not attractive to me.  That’s just me though and I’m sure there are chicks who dig a little crystal with their junk.  We are at the party and the show takes a turn that is odd.  By odd of course I mean disgusting.  I have said it before and I will say it again, I like Jill. She is the most authentic, and allows all her gifts and flaws to show. I totally dig her.

The odd part is when Simon goes to Jill and tells her he is not over their tension and wants to have lunch to discuss it.  Simon is creepy.  He makes my skin crawl and I find watching him uncomfortable.  He is a gay man, married to a woman, who thinks he is one of the housewives.  Sidebar:  If Simon and Alex are still a part of this show next season, I will no longer watch.  I can barely stand to watch it now, so making it through another season with these two losers is simply too much of Bravo to ask of me.  They are pathetic and need to be fired.

Jill says she will meet with him but he then ends the talk by telling her he will tweet her, which we know is not good coming from Simon.  He is horrible on Twitter, mean to everyone, and a pal of Lynn Hudson, who we all know is Satan.  Kelly tells Jill she should not go because it’s weird.  Jill thinks better of it all and tells Simon she does not think they need to meet.  He’s not a housewife and they need to move on.  There is nothing to talk about, all is well, and she is good.  She is lovely and tells Simon she likes Alex very much, and hopes they can move on.

Simon, who is a bloated drunken mess, then tells her to “watch out”.  Does Simon realize he is not a star of this show?  Does Simon get that we don’t care about him and the only reason we care about his wife is so we can talk about how we don’t care about her?  They have got to go.  LuAnn, Kelly and Cindy are telling Jill she did the right thing.  Kelly goes to Simon and tells him he has upset Jill, and asks Alex to help the situation out, but instead of trying to fix the problem, Alex leaves with Simon, who by now is threatening Kelly with tweets.

Honestly, Bravo is scraping the bottom of the barrel in trying to find ways to put this couple in a show that does not need them.  Why must the audience suffer through this crap?  Fire them and we will forgive you.  Keep them much longer and we will bail. Simon and Alex leave the party and stop on the street to talk.  I assume it’s because the crew is refusing to follow their asses up the street so it needs to happen right there.  They are talking to each other because nobody else cares to talk to either of them.  They leave, thank goodness.

Over at Sonja’s, she has called a plumber because her toilet is clogged.  She is a mess. How is it possible she has no money?  Why not sell the house and get something smaller?  Why tell all your problems to complete strangers and in front of the cameras? Sonja shoves her hand down the toilet and digs out a blackberry.  Really? Who drops a blackberry down the toilet and just leaves it there?  The plumber leaves, without getting paid, and she then has a feng shui specialist at the house to help her cleanse the negativity.

There is something we don’t know about her situation.  It will all come out in the end, which is a shame since she clearly does not want us to know.  Sonja seems like a great lady and I think I would like her in real life.  It’s a shame her dirty laundry is out for all to see.  The show now takes another turn I just don’t get.  If Bravo thinks I am going to believe Jill is painting her own apartment, and that the Countess is going to paint in her boots, they have lost their minds.  This is scripted and I’m offended that they think we are so dumb.  I’m not watching.

I cannot comment on anything said during the paint party because I simply do not believe it was anything other than a poorly scripted conversation.  I pass.  Just as the painting ends, and I think I can enjoy the show again, Bravo takes us to Brooklyn.  Dear Lord make this stop.  Simon asks Alex if she’s mad at him for his fight with Jill. Simon could not be any less appealing as a man.  He is behaving like a woman and it’s gross.  Alex has to reassure him her relationship with him is more important than Jill.  I know want to be knocked unconscious.

They are an odd couple and they need to go.  Alex is laughing and I am cringing.  They are sucking the life out of this show.  If there is a petition anywhere to get them canned then let me know because I will sign it, and if there isn’t, there should be.  Ramona’s party has begun and she is excited about her surprise for Sonja. Alex is wearing hideous boots, and Simon looks like a moron.  Ramona is trying to get a greeting line together for Sonja and is yelling at everyone involved.  Our Ramona is not classy, or sober.

Sidebar:  It’s interesting that Ramona insisted Avery invite her and all of her friends to her Sweet 16 birthday party, yet it would appear Avery was not invite to her party.  There was booze at both so that’s not it.  Ramona is jealous of her own daughter.  The artist guy that was painting and banging Sonja is there and kisses her with his arms crossed. Interesting body language.  Ramona confronts Jill to see why she was not invited to her underwear thing, and Jill defuses the situation and fixes it. These chicks are not real friends.

Mario leads Sonja and Ramona into the dancing area of the party and shows them a slide show of them all when they were young.  What was fascinating is that Ramona included Sonja in the party to get her mind off her troubles and show love, yet she includes her wedding picture.  Why show the picture of the one thing now causing her so much pain? It was selfish and mean, but Ramona is selfish and mean so it makes sense.  That said, you’ve got to love Ramona because her meanness is Pinot inspired.  I love sober Ramona, and adore drunken Ramona.

Cindy is having lunch with Ramona and tells her she does not miss having a man in her life.  I like Cindy but she needs to snap out of the mommy bubble because if she is not careful, she will wake up one day, her kids will be grown, and she will be alone because they were her single focus.  Cindy is then having lunch with parents and it’s chaotic and sad.  She puts the baby in a booster, the baby is sitting comfortably, Cindy says she will not sit there and picks her up.  She was sitting nicely, but she felt the need to lift her up.  She is an unsure mother, which is sweet.

She calls her office and gets someone to come and help her, which is sad.  Rather than give the grandparents a chance to comfort the baby, she calls for back up.  I love her parents, I love her, and to be clear, one week with me would whip her into shape.  It’s as if she does not trust herself, which I guess is how we all were with our kids, but she does not have the luxury of being young and learning with each child. She is older, has two, and will not have more, so she needs to fast track her comfort level or she will get really old, really fast.

Kelly invites Alex out for breakfast so she can talk to her about how creepy Simon is.  Alex makes her “I’m confused “ face which translates to an “I’m constipated” face.  Kelly is saying how odd they are and Alex is insisting they are different people and she is not responsible for him.  I love Kelly and think Alex is weird.  We are dealing with a twat, who is married to a twit, who likes to tweet.  Alex is insane if she thinks she is not responsible for what her husband does.  It’s the real housewives Alex, and he is not one.  You are, for now, so you need to rope him in.

Alex is turning red and Kelly tells her to take a breather because her redness is bothering her.  I freaking love Kelly this year.  Kelly calls Simon a pageant dad and says Alex is like his 6 year old daughter.  Awesome.  Alex is confused.  Probably because she is so dumb.  Next week is the filming of LuAnn’s video, and Sonja invites the girls over for some toaster oven crap.  After three days of writing this blog I was certain I was done, but the last 5 minutes sucked me in for another week.  Bravo should reward me by canning Simon and Alex, and keeping it real!

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June 27, 2011 | 11:04 pm

If Admission is Recovery: My Name is Ilana & I Hate Bachelorette Ashley

Posted by Ilana Angel

To be clear, I don’t hate her.  Hate is too harsh and I don’t know her.  I can say however, that the person we are seeing on television, and reading interviews with, makes me want to push her down a flight of stairs.  I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen of course.  Maybe just break both her legs so they can be reset and her unfortunate situation could be repaired.

It would be a win, win.  She would get straight legs and I would get the satisfaction of saying I pushed the dumbest woman in America down a flight of stairs.  What’s so fascinating about Ashley is that you can substitute “dumbest” for so many other great things.  She is also the most insecure, delusional, ridiculous, annoying and most in need of a toothpick and shampoo.

The only thing more annoying on this show than Ashley is Chris Harrison. Dear Lord this guy is useless on this show.  I am one minute in and I seriously want to stick my hand down my own throat and remove my own kidney than watch this train wreck.  That said, I cannot stop.  I am willing a power outage and while the remote is right next to me, I can’t turn it off.

Ashley is talking about how her heart is in the United States with Bentley. Is she high?  That’s not a question as much as a statement.  Ashley is high. Her fake crying upon hearing that Bentley is there is pathetic.  Bentley is a pig who scored a free trip to Hong Kong to see a chick he hates, making him brilliant and reality television perfection.  Ashley is a major loser.

Important to note that I am at minute 7 of this crap fest and sitting on my couch with a bottle of wine and only one kidney.  Ashley is walking to Bentley’s room and you could park a bus between her legs.  She thinks there is a risk she might get hurt by Bentley today.  Really?  If Ashley were an animal she would need to be put down right because there is no helping her.

Bentley opens the door and she kisses him.  Awkward. Bentley is lying and I am cracking up.  She says it’s been so hard and he says it has been for him too. Sidebar:  If The Bachelorette production budget can afford to fly Bentley to Hong Kong, then why can’t they buy Ashley some Chapstick?  I am praying to come across Ashley standing on a staircase.  P-R-A-Y-I-N-G.

Bentley is humiliated that he had to do this for the producers, who are clearly smoking crack. They are crazy if they think for one minute we think he wanted to be there, or that she would be able to sit with him without crying.  She is a loser, they are losers, and Bentley, who was brilliant, now looks like a loser too. We are the most stupid for watching this crap.

Lucas gets the first on-on-one date.  He is a cowboy who is in a big city for the first time.  They are on a boat, cruising by the Hong Kong skyline, and she is playing with her bangs and picking her teeth with her tongue.  Lucas is divorced and spilling the details of his broken heart and it’s simply not attractive.  He needs to go home, but the skank gives him a rose.

It’s group date time and they are dragon boat racing.  Ames and Mickey, against twins Constantine and Ben, against Ryan and Blake.  This date pushed the lame envelope to the limit.  I tend to fantasize when watching this show and for this particular episode it was of Godzilla coming up from the water and eating Ashley, then spitting her out in disgust, after eating only her legs.

It’s group dinner, minute 48, and Ashley has said the name Bentley over 40 times.  She is going off to be alone with Ames and her legs are killing me.  I hope she dumps him and he is the next Bachelor.  Of course if he keeps kissing her he will be tainted with her stupidity and I will fall out of love with him.  He is so sweet and incredibly smart, but painfully dumb.

She ends her kissing with Ames by kissing Ben.  She then goes off with Ryan. The men are bagging on Ryan and hoping he gets the boot, but instead he gets a rose and everyone threatens to leave.  Dear God, please make my power go out from now until 10:00 pm PST.  Oh and one more thing, let my kidney be okay until I can get to the hospital just after 10:00 pm PST.

JP is on his one-on-one dinner date.  I think he is so great but cannot figure out why he digs her.  He’s too cute to be with someone so dumb.  He is telling her he likes her and she just keeps on eating her dinner, picking her teeth with her tongue, puckering her dry and crusty lips, and playing with her bangs.  Does Godzilla ever go into the city and search parks for victims?

Skank tells JP that she spoke with Bentley. He is surprised, but a total mensch.  I love Jewish boys.  She is going on and on about how hard it was when Bentley left, and I am screaming at my television for Ashley to shut up. Seriously, SHUT UP.  Why won’t she stop talking?  She wants to be 100% honest with him so that he knows everything that is going on with her.

Is she mentally challenged?  Does she not realize that he is going to watch the show and see that she was a pathetic loser who was in love with someone after 5 minutes, and talking about his leaving like she was going to die? Really Ashley? Run JP.  Run away from this girl.  You deserve better and should start praying this is the last rose she gives you.  Pray!

It’s the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, and Ashley is going to tell them all Bentley came to Hong Kong.  She is certain they will all react like JP did. She tells them, they are pissed, I’m on my 3rd glass of wine and want to cut myself.  Lucas is pissed and I love him for speaking his mind.  Blake is pissed and Ryan goes over to kiss her ass and pretend he is cool with it all.

She tells Ames and he is lovely but she does not understand what he is saying because she is too busy trying to look contemplative, but instead looking constipated.  Lucas has a rose but he wants to bail.  Blake is pissed, then she starts fake crying and playing with her bangs and he feels bad.  I am now pulling out my teeth with pliers.  One at a time, starting in the back.

Mickey is ticked off and thinks he should go home if she was into Bentley. He asks her to please send him home.  She tells him to be a man and just go, so he does.  Awesome. Lucas is a pussy and stays after he said he would bail. She is sniffing and crying but there are no tears.  Where are the tears Ashley?  I’m thinking she fakes more than just crying.

Ashley is crying to Chris Harrison and her right eyelash looks like it’s going to fall off which would be great.  Chris is rambling on and on and I am now hoping I see him on some stairs too.  I am pouring another glass of wine and the cats are now eating my kidney, which has fallen onto the floor.  I’ve been focused on her legs and just noticed tonight that she has no upper lip.

It’s the rose ceremony and only one will go home since Mickey bailed. The dramatic music is making me sick.  The final rose goes to Ames, which is good because the longer he stays around the better his chances are of being the next Bachelor.  Dentist Blake is going home and appears to be surprised.  He’s talking about Bentley too, which makes me want to vomit.

Blake says he is looking for a friend and leaves sounding like a moron.  It’s down to six and they are moving on to Taiwan.  Then they go to Fiji for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!  There is crying, and her heart is broken, and we are all going to want to impale ourselves.  Sadly, we are addicts so there’s no going back.  All we can do is watch, and keep it real.

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