June 18, 2013 | 8:33 am

Real Housewives of Orange County Crap

Posted by Ilana Angel

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There is a lot of hype about the fact that these women are about to celebrate their 100th episode, which is fascinating because this show sucks and never should have reached this milestone.  We can only blame ourselves. We watch, and they laugh at the fact that we are watching.  This show is bad, these women are pathetic, but here we are.  Time to jump back into the murky and infested water, so hold your breath.

We start with Lydia who is planning a salsa party so all the women can be forced to hang out together.  She calls Heather to get her to make peace with Alexis so they can all get along.  Heather acts like she is more of a housewife than Lydia and it is funny that she sells herself as an old timer when she is relatively new.  I don’t get Hearher, but I think that Lydia is a hoot and she is my new favorite OC cast member.

Vicki is with Tamra and we see signs of their old friendship, which used to be fun to watch.  Tamra is two faced and talks to Gretchen like they are the best of friends, then throws her under the bus with everyone else.  They are going to the salsa party.  Vicki is spinning all kinds of crap about Brooks.  We will never know what the true story is with those two, and more importantly, we will never care.  We don’t really care about any of them.

Alexis meets with Heather and I almost feel bad for Alexis.  She should not be here.  Nobody likes her, she is a bore, and it makes no sense.  Alexis does not know what Heather wants to talk about, then Heather says it was her idea to talk to Alexis.  Really?  Heather would never have spoken to Alexis had they not scripted for Lydia to ask her to.  This show is transparent and Heather wears way too much makeup for the daytime.

Heather is being a bitch and Alexis is calmly calling her out for bullying her in Costa Rica.  Heather is not going to apologize, Alexis is waiting for an apology, and this is stupid.  These girls behave like high school chicks.  To clarify, not the cool high school girls who were popular and cute, but rather the bitches that everyone knew would grow up to have money and dysfunctional marriages, desperate for attention.

Gretchen is talking to her Mom and I honestly find everything about Gretchen to be annoying.  She is a gossiping and tasteless whore.  She not only acts like a whore, but she looks like one.  She is the third idiot to hook up with idiot Slade, and when she talks about Slade and his son I want to punch something.  Gretchen is dumb, has no talent, is a horrible friend, and they deserve each other, but should not have a baby.

Over with Vicki, Ryan is getting ready to head off for training before going back to Afghanistan.  God Bless Ryan for doing what he does, and making such massive sacrifices to ensure our lives are safe and protected.  I cannot wrap my head around the life of those in the armed forces, and their families.  I have nothing but respect and admiration for every single one of them and keep them all in my prayers daily.  Thank you all.

It is time for the salsa party.  Lydia and her husband are fabulous and I am surprised to say it because I did not get them in the beginning.  In the end they are decent and kind people, who are also fun and normal.  As normal as one can be this early in a reality television career.  We’ll see if they remain that way, or end up like every other couple that has jumped on the train wreck of housewife fame.  I wish them well and hope they survive.

Vicki and Alexis are heading to the party together.  Vicki is going alone, and Jim is “working” and not coming.  Good for him for sticking to his word and not shooting with these lunatics.  Terry calls Brooks and invites him to come to the party.  Weird.  Whoever is writing this show is clearly high.  Oh. My. God. Is Judy scripting the RHOC?  That would be fabulous.  Everyone arrives, fake kisses, and pretends to like each other.  Bullshit.

Tamra brings Lauri and George, which is disgusting.  Lauri is a pig and that they have brought her back pisses me off.   Lauri is hideous and I hope Vicki eats her alive and drags her sorry ass back into the gutter where it belongs. Lydia is offended by Slade, welcome to the club.  Lydia may be petite, but she has massive balls and I love her.  She is not taking shit from anyone, especially Slade, who is a piece of garbage with no class.

Lydia says Slade is a douche, which has secured me as a fan for life.  Not matter what she does down the road, I will remember that she called out his being a douche and find a way to support her.  Sidebar:  I forgot to mention that Terry asking Slade to compare the sexual prowess of Lauri and Gretchen, is repulsive.  The men on this show are just gross and they need to step off and out, because they add nothing to show.  Nothing.

Brooks arrives to surprise Vicki and brings her flowers.  Stupid.  Brooks is a snake and I feel sad for Vicki that she is so insecure she thinks he is great.   Tamra and Brooks chat and it is dumb.  Vicki and Brooks are awkward together, have nothing to say to each other, and I am bored.  I am also about to run out of wine so we need to wrap this one up because if there is no wine I can’t do it.  Then we jump straight into the gutter.

Lauri, the gutter pig, tells Tamra that Brooks is sleeping with a 20 something hooker/stripper.  Really Lauri?  Lauri is a whore, who married a pig for money, and she is going to judge Vicki?   Enough.  The dancing begins, the instructor is fabulous, Eddie is the only one who can dance, Alexis is dancing with the instructor, and the shoes these chicks chose to wear out dancing is hilarious.  Brooks is drooling over Tamra and I have 3 sips left.

Gretchen and Slade are talking to Lydia’s husband Doug about having offended her, he is lovely in response, Lydia calls out Slade for being mean to Vicki about her looks, Gretchen is all over it, Slade is back peddling, Gretchen is speaking for Slade, Lydia is a rock star, and Gretchen is a loser. Then Lydia calls Gretchen Malibu Beach Barbie and it is official, I LOVE Lydia and it is not just because she is Canadian.  I just love her.

Cut to Tamra talking about going to buy her wedding dress, for a wedding that at the time was not even happening, and she invites all the girls to join her, including Alexis, which pisses off Gretchen.  Gretchen is all the things you don’t want in a friend.  She tells Tamra she won’t come to dress shopping if Alexis goes.  Dear Lord.  I am taking my last sip and grateful it is over because even wine won’t help these chicks keep it real.

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June 17, 2013 | 3:39 pm

Princesses Long Island: Oh. My. God.

Posted by Ilana Angel

Chanel is the only reason to watch this show.  Sadly she has her loser friends along for the ride, and they are out of control.  That these women are all about being Jewish is mortifying to anyone who is Jewish.  I am Jewish and it makes me both mad and sad that these freaks are on television representing my faith.  They are embarrassing.

I am watching this show and unable to believe what I am seeing. These girls are a mess and again, with the exception of Chanel who I think is truly a lovely girl, these girls make me sick.  We pick up back in the Hamptons for Shabbat dinner and I am going to do a shot of tequila before I even start because I am not going to make it through without a buzz.

Casey tells Erica that she is a whore for stealing her boyfriend, who she loved, when she was 16.  Ten years ago!  Oh. My. God.  Casey needs therapy. She is comparing Erica banging her hormone driven childhood boyfriend with her parents.  Really?  Casey is an idiot, Erica is a whore, and I am well on my way to getting hammered.  These chicks are a hot skanky mess.

Sidebar:  Casey wants us to believe that what she went through when Erica slept with her prom date is the exact same thing as her father cheating on her mother and leaving her for another woman.  If I were Casey’s mom it would break my heart that my child is comparing the two.  Casey is a drama queen, in need of serious therapy, and never going to find love.

Casey rejoins dinner and she is pissed, Erica rejoins dinner and she is feeling sorry for herself, and poor Chanel is trying really hard to salvage Shabbat dinner.  Amanda arrives with her sexually confused boyfriend and everyone is relieved to have the attention off the tension.  Jeff is a lovely and sweet man, but also an idiot, and Erica runs to tell him what is happening. 

Jewish or not, this show is total crap.  Chanel is trying to bless everyone with wine and challah and I love her. Erica does not think banging Casey’s boyfriend is a big deal, and Chanel is the only normal one, the only one not embarrassing Jews, and the only one I can watch without wanting to drink my own blood because I’m out of tequila. I’m switching to rum.

Erica is blubbering all over Chanel, making no sense, then we cut to the morning and she is not going out with the girls because she is hung over. Everyone else heads into town for brunch while Amanda and Jeff make out at the hotel pool. They are nauseating.   Jeff is a sweet man, and if he wants to be with a woman, bless him, and Amanda is perfect for him.

Jeff and Amanda call each other Mommy and Daddy, which makes me want to shoot myself.  Over to brunch, Chanel is adorable and everyone else is painful.  A couple of men walk by and Chanel calls them over.  The men are gross, Chanel thinks they are funny, and Casey is repulsed.  Casey needs to relax or she is going to die alone with 18 cats and her paintings.

Important that all these chicks talk with their mouths full and chew with their mouths open, which grosses me out.   Back at the house Erica’s boyfriend arrives.  He seems like a nice guy but they only reason I can figure a man would be with this chick is because she is good in bed.  By good in bed of course I mean maybe he does not know what good in bed is.  

The girls go from brunch to evening cocktails in the same scene and once again the editing at Bravo makes no sense.  They sit down next to a man who they think looks like Clark Kent.  Really?  If I take out my contacts, and shoot some heroin, this guy will still not look like Clark Kent. Ashlee is all over him and it is making my skin crawl off my body.

While Ashlee is flirting with this innocent young man, who is probably gay, Ashlee calls her dad and puts him on speaker.  Chanel is telling her dad Ashlee will marry him, Ashlee is talking to her parents about a man she has known for 30 seconds, and I am blown away.  Who are these people?  Joey is mortified, Ashlee is hurt by Joey, Clark Kent is confused.

It is now midnight and everyone is getting ready to go out.  Amanda and Erica are getting ready, peeing on camera, and everyone else is ready to go. Erica is a whiner, and a moron, and already drunk.  They arrive at the club and Erica proceeds to get wasted.  Chanel is dancing and is cute, it looks like all is going well until Rob tries to talk to Casey about Erica.

Erica wants to know every single word he told Casey and I am so sad for her. What a mess this chick is.  The chances of any of these women getting a date, let alone married, will be a miracle.  As for Chanel, I am going to fix her up because she is a lovely girl who simply needs to get some new friends. I do not think I will be able to blog this for the entire season.

It is now 2 am and Erica is falling down, and lets us know if she is going to have a baby one day she better be able to handle a fall.  What?  She better also be able to handle fetal alcohol syndrome.  Erica is still drinking, her boyfriend is smashed and passed out, and if I think Casey should go and seduce Rob while Erica is throwing up on herself in the yard.

Then it happens.  Erica has a meltdown and starts rambling about nothing, and then she takes an Adderall, and offers one to Rob, which now explains why he is with her.  Erica is crying and in the throws of a nervous breakdown. Oh. My. God. Casey is a bitch while everyone else is showing a certain level of compassion.  Then we see the crew walk through the house.

Erica is losing her mind to Rob, and we see the crew walking through the house in the background.  Hilarious.  Everyone in the house is talking about Erica needing to go to AA and it is lame.  She does not need AA, she needs rehab. Rob is not surprised so clearly he knows her issues, she is now talking gibberish and I officially hate this show on an epic level.

Erica leaves early with Rob so she does not have to deal with questions on the ride home.  Ashlee calls her dad to fill him in on the weekend and let him know she didn’t meet anybody. The others leave and I am exhausted.  Oy vey.  I will be watching next week because it is just too disgusting to turn away from, but no promises on a blog. Just keeping it real.

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June 16, 2013 | 4:56 pm

Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start this week with Teresa working out with a woman who has a body that I find offensive.  Eat a sandwich lady.  With mayo!  Teresa looks amazing and she is talking about Gia’s birthday party, which is coming up, and co-ed. I have a son and it is stressful so I can just imagine what it is like to have 4 daughters, who are all insanely beautiful.  God Bless Tre and Juicy.

We jump to Jac who has bought a hyperbaric bed for Nicholas.  Good for her that she is showing options and her efforts to help her son, but at the same time, if I am dealing with the same thing, and don’t have the money for these things, it would be hard for me to watch.  Nick likes the bed and it is sweet.  Joe is moved by it all and wants to fix things with Teresa.

Caroline talks about Jac like she is her PR person.  Let’s respect what Jac is going through, but also remember she is bitch.  Caroline tells Jac she met with Teresa and Tre expects an apology.  Really?  They never talked about Jac! Caroline is a gossip and a liar because Joe never asked her to talk to Teresa. Poor Caroline is trying to look good in order to sell books.

Juicy is out with Gia, giving her the sex talk and it is adorable.  Gia is mortified, Juicy is trying, and it is a sweet moment.  Not sure I would want it on TV if I were Gia, but still, super sweet scene between father and daughter. Back at Jac’s, Caroline is going to talk to Joe, but Jac wants it to be all about her.  I seriously cannot stand Jac and think she is fake and dumb.  

We go to Kathy’s house and Rosie has taken Joseph out in his dad’s Ferrari. It is raining and the kid only has his permit, so not too smart an idea.  They pull in, Richie is confused, Kathy is pissed, Rosie is entertained, and Joseph could care less.  This family is not entertaining and I truly do not understand why they are here.  I don’t care about any of them.  Never have.

Teresa and Juicy are off to the hospital to see her dad who has been admitted with pneumonia.   Joe is also sick and cannot visit his dad because he is sick.  Joe is telling Melissa about how sick his dad is and I am not feeling any compassion from her.  She is wondering how is will effect her camera time, not how it will effect her husband.  Melissa is bad.

Joe tells Melissa that he spoke to Caroline and Melissa is pissed off.  She cannot have anyone trying to fix what she spends all her time trying to break.  Melissa is a nightmare and anyone who watches this show and does not see that this is all her fault, is clearly drunker than I am. Melissa is going to Gia’s party with Antonia, but not Joe.  Not a good thing.

Melissa and Kathy are now working out which makes sense because Melissa does everything that Teresa does.  Melissa has nothing to do on this show, unless she is talking about Teresa.  Kathy is useless, so this entire thing is a bore.  Melissa says she is sick too and I am laughing. She is not sick, unless you call being delusional being sick.  I cannot stand her anymore.

Teresa is stressed out about her dad who in is ICU.  She hopes Joe will come to Gia’s party, but we know he won’t.  Jac shows up at the gym to work out and it makes no sense.  Jac is an idiot.  Linda, Tre’s friend with the insane body is there, and the girls start gossiping about her.  Honestly, is Bravo going to spend all season showing Melissa and Kathy talking about Teresa?

Linda calls Teresa to say the girls are at their gym, which apparently makes no sense since it is not their gym.  Teresa wonders how it is that Melissa can work out, but not visit her dad for 5 minutes.  Caroline is moving out of her house into the apartment due to “downsizing”.  Translation: They are probably going into foreclosure.  Teresa needs her own show.

Caroline’s sister now has a pig at the house.  Who cares?  We jump to Teresa and the girls who are all getting their hair done for the birthday party. Gia does not want to talk about Joe, and is clearly torn to be put in the middle. I understand Teresa is upset and talks to her kid, but I feel bad for Gia.  Joe is sick and not coming, it is not personal, it is sickness.

Melissa is getting her kids ready for the party and threatens her son with hot pepper in the mouth.  I hate that parenting technique.  Joe is still sick and not going, but Melissa tells him he didn’t want to go anyway.  Melissa is a troublemaker and Joe loves her so much he buys into her bullshit.  Melissa is single handedly breaking her husband’s family apart.  For real.

Sidebar: Milania Giudice is television perfection.  I LOVE this kid and she steals the show every time she is on camera.  I will say again, what I have been saying forever, a show about JUST Teresa and her kids would be great television.  Bravo needs to dump the garbage and focus on the gold.  We are getting bored with the show so give us what we want already.

It’s time for Gia’s party and it looks fun.  There are a lot of kids and Gia is totally mortified by her parents.  Juicy is asking boys if they have a crush on Gia, Teresa wants to take tons of pics, and I am laughing at how cute they all are. Kathy’s kids are going to see Teresa’s dad, but she is not going.  So gross.  She is now desperate for camera time and it is pathetic.

Richie tells her to suck it up and go see him.  These two don't seem to like each other.  Richie says Kathy should go for herself, but really it is to piss off Teresa.  Melissa is driving t the party and listening to her own record in the car with the kids.  Oh. My. God.  Melissa is taking crap about Teresa in front of her kids.  Melissa is a troll and I don’t trust her.

Kim D shows up to the party.  I don’t like her.   Melissa comes with her kids and Teresa’s kids are thrilled about their cousins, but don’t care about Melissa.  Linda and Kim D are talking about Melissa not visiting her father-in-law and it is a shame they are doing this at the party.  Melissa is talking about how sick Joe is and says she did visit her father-in-law.

Melissa is a liar.  Kim D calls out Melissa for lying.  Melissa says he looked good, and Teresa is not standing for the lies.  Melissa is caught in the lie and I am loving it.  Stupid bitch.  Teresa throws in the towel and does not want to fight, but Melissa won’t let it go.  Teresa calls her out and Melissa is up and out.  She is going to pull her kids out of the party.  Not cool.

This whole thing is sad.  I love Teresa but this should not have happened at Gia’s party and even though Melissa started it, Teresa should have focused on the kids, not the lying skank.  I am sad for these kids, sad for Teresa, and sad for Joe that he does not see what his wife is doing. The kids are upset and in the end they suffer because their parents are crazy.

Melissa storms off and her kids don’t get cake.  Teresa is annoyed, Juicy is not surprised, and Gia is heartbroken.  Melissa says she always does the right thing and I am laughing. I love this show but there is no denying that it simply does not work anymore.  We are watching, we are slowly checking out, and we are waiting for Bravo to get a clue and start keeping it real.

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June 15, 2013 | 9:56 am

Wendy Williams + LeAnn Rimes = Epic Fail

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love Wendy Williams.  I think she is funny, smart, outspoken, brave, open, and talented.  I once wrote a blog about how great I thought she was, which she read, and when she came to LA for a promo tour, she invited me to say hello.  I went to meet her and she was really quite fabulous.  She is very pretty in person, very tall, and very warm.  She talks to you, makes eye contact when you speak, and was just an all around great lady.

I respect her because she is not afraid. Much like me, she says what she thinks and does not worry about what the fall out will be.  If it is her truth, she shares it.  If her opinion changes, she will say why and move on.  With all the pathetic press that LeAnn Rimes is doing for her horrible record, and all the entertainment reporters she is paying to talk to her without asking any important questions, I was excited for her to talk to Wendy.

There are so many things we just don’t understand about LeAnn, that my feeling was finally we would get some answers through Wendy.  If anyone was going to not be afraid and ask her what we wanted to know, it would be the divine Ms. Wendy Williams.  Well, not so much.  LeAnn was on Wendy’s show last week and it was an epic failure.  LeAnn was a snake and Wendy was weak.  A truly disappointing effort from the Queen.

She did not ask her anything important, or that had not been asked already. It was clearly scripted, and while I understand Wendy may have had her hands tied, she should have stayed true to herself and had LeAnn walk off angry instead of sucking up to her.  LeAnn came out and immediately cleaned her teeth with her tongue, wearing a hideous outfit, and talked about her being attracted to Eddie’s hands.  LeAnn Rimes is a home wrecker.

Wendy is better than this.  She asked the fluff questions about trust and I actually laughed at her.  LeAnn is scripted and at the exact same time pulling lies out of her ass.  Wendy called her “kiddo”, kissed her ass, and it was just stupid.  Wendy asked her about rehab twice and LeAnn skirted it.  There is no talk of Twitter, the lawsuit against Kim Smiley, her bullying of bloggers, or anything that actually matters.  LeAnn Rimes is wasting our time.

We knew that going in, but sadly we learned Wendy is not the Queen.  She has changed how I view her, and while I completely understand how the games works, she should have been more Wendy and less sell out.  Wendy should have asked about her Twitter and lawsuit obsession, and had her refuse to answer it, then move on, but to not ask it at all was an epic fail. Sadly, Wendy Williams was unable and unwilling to keep it real.

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June 14, 2013 | 9:14 pm

The Bachelorette Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

I cannot stop watching this show, even though I think it is total crap.  I do not believe it works anymore because people use it to get famous, not find love.  I find that I laugh at it more than I find it interesting and this batch of men is just not that appealing.  Des is a harmless enough girl but she went from naïve and sweet to sophisticated and jaded so fast that it makes me think she faked her way through her season with Sean.

Nothing about this show is real, or even remotely connected to reality, but I watch, and I mock, and get emails from people who await my bitter snark, and so I continue to blog a show that is ridiculous, in order to give my loyal readers something to laugh at while questioning their own sanity for watching.  I don’t know a single person who watches because they love it. We watch because we drink romance flavored Kool Aid. 

Two hours of this show a week makes me want to choke on my own vomit, so rather than watch the entire time and actually pay attention, I am going to take the advice of my most dedicated Bachelor/Bachelorette reader, the fabulous Tim, and skip over all commercials, all Disney references, and all conversations that begin with “This is amazing.”  With these new rules in mind, I am going to race through this crapfest.

The first group date is to play dodge ball.  Really?  This is lame and Mike Fleiss must be high if he thinks this is good television. Des is watching the men seriously try to hurt each other with balls, while wearing work out clothes, and sporting what appear to be freakishly short legs.  She has a hobbit quality to her body when we see it in these clothes.  She is a little disproportioned. Then the men arrive ready for battle.

Dear Lord.  What these men are willing to do for 15 minute of fame, which ultimately lets all of America know they are losers, is fascinating.   Someone breaks a finger and needs to go to the hospital, but I am more interested in the fact that at the dodge ball game Des has straight hair, but in the interviews wearing the same clothes, her hair is curly.  This show sucks, and I am moving from wine to tequila to help me manage.

All the men are invited for drinks after.  Scripted.  Brooks is in the hospital while Des goes for private time with Brad, who has something private to tell her. Just her.  Just her, and America.  He tells her he has a three year old son. Brad is now sexy single dad guy. He talks about an arrest for domestic violence, and a drunken ex, and it is too much baggage.  He went from sexy single dad to wounded single dad and I’m over it.

Everyone is sucking up to Des, and as some guy who is totally forgettable says the word “awesome”, I am jumping ahead.  Brooks has made a miraculous recovery, is totally jacked up on meds, and they make out.  Icky.  There is now a private concert and so, according to my new watching rules from Tim, I am skipping over it.  Cut to Des at home the next day talking about how amazing the date was, and we are skipping again.

Des is talking to Brian, and lets us know he has a girlfriend at home.  Then, with dramatic music thrown in, Brian’s girlfriend Stephanie shows up.  The girlfriend is crying, Brian is denying, and we learn they slept together right up to the time he left for the show.  Wow.  This guy is a pig, his girlfriend is crying with no tears, and lets us know she has a child and he has been in his life.  Blah, blah, blah, I am so incredibly bored.

Brian is going to be kicked out so I can skip over this entire thing.  I am loving Tim right now because I watched the first hour in 16 minutes.  Whoo Hoo! Cut to Brandon who is crying again.  Dear Lord.  Brandon has REALLY got to go home.  By home of course I mean therapy.  Important to note that on all of reality television, only Brandon has real tears.  Bravo to you Brandon. Now go home, you are wounded and broken.

Casey is off on his date but Des is preoccupied by the Brain crap.  They are going to dance on the side of a building and I have now done a shot of tequila to speed up the numbness.  Des says the date is awesome and so we are out! Cut to their cocktail time and a windstorm kicks in, so rather than take cover for safety, they decide to jump in the pool for a wind swim.  Really? The pool is cold, there is shrinkage, he gets a rose.

Time for the next group date and it is cowboy time.  The writers on this show need to start smoking pot so they can get a little more creative.  The date is going to be cowboy stunts, as was done in the new Disney movie The Lone Ranger, and so we are out. Juan Pablo wins the alone time and she is so into him it is hilarious.  He really is divine looking and sexy as hell, so good for her.  Des is becoming a little slutty.

It is group date cocktail time and Des is making out with a lot of people. Bless her.  Soldier boy says she is awesome, so we are out!  Important to note I am loving these new rules.  This is the most fun I’ve had blogging the crapfest ever.  Ever!  Granted, I am a little drunk, but still, I love you Tim. Some guy is talking about his dad and blowing smoke up her ass so I am going to walk away and get myself another drink.

Des cancels the cocktail party and so everyone is now scrambling to get time with her.  She is going to do a pool party instead, then do the rose ceremony. Ben intercepts Des going into the house and takes her for a drive alone.  He is creepy.   All the men hate him, and Des thinks he is fabulous, so he is going down soon.  Des is in a pool with all the guys and tells us it is awesome, so we are out!  Ben is lying and getting caught.

Brandon takes Des aside and lets her know he will never hurt her and he loves her.  Oh. My. God.  He loves her and goes in for a kiss, which is painful to watch.  This guy is going to get stomped on and he has only himself to blame.  That one is going to hurt.   Pool party is over and we are off to the rose ceremony. Important to note that Chris Harrison appearing to announce the final rose of the night always pisses me off.

Dan and Brandon are out.  I have no idea who Dan is, but crybaby Brandon is in shock and unable to understand.  He leaves, Des goes after him and he is, wait for it, crying.  She tells him there was no chemistry and she wanted to spare him, but he is love with her damn it.  I hate this show, but I love my new blogging technique to I will be back next week, with a slightly damaged liver, but still keeping it real.

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June 10, 2013 | 7:03 pm

Real Housewives of Orange County Jail

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are still in Mexico for Tamra’s bachelorette party.  It is a bachelorette party for a woman with no wedding date, and a man who is not sure he wants to marry her, but here we are.  It occurs to me as I watch this show that it should be shown in prison.  Convicts should be forced to watch this crap over and over again.  That is real torture.  Surely there is a jail in the OC that is using this tactic already.  

Vicki, Tamra and Lydia have dumped Heather and Gretchen, and gone out dancing.  Gretchen is pissed, Heather is worried, and the others are hammered.  Vicki did this on purpose to screw over Gretchen, which thrills us all to pieces.  Vicki is a maniac and that Gretchen is going to cry is entertaining.  Tamra is plastered, Lydia is not invested, and Vicki is gloating.

The drunks get home and go into Heather’s room.  She is not mad, just disappointed, then Gretchen joins and she is livid.  Tamra is trying to be serious, but she is laughing and the more upset Gretchen gets, the more Tamra and Vicki laugh.  It is just too funny. Gretchen was complaining about Vicki making the weekend about her, but now she is making it about her. These old hags are behaving like teenagers and it is embarrassing.

The drunks move to Tamra’s room and are laughing at how distressed Gretchen is.  Vicki laughs and pees herself.  Literally pees herself on Tamra’s bed.  Really?  This sloppy and vindictive drunk has just peed on her friend’s bed and I am dying.  My first margarita of the evening has been poured. Cut to the morning and Gretchen has a pole shoved up her ass, Vicki is still gloating, and the girls are off for a stressed fill fake weekend.

Important to note that Gretchen’s fake laugh makes me want to shove jalapeños down my throat.   As they ride through town Vicki points out they are where they got drunk, and the fun begins.  Lydia tries to talk about it, but it blows over.  They go see a bull and matador.  This is the dumbest bachelorette party ever.  They are like a bunch of old ladies now, which means they will be a bunch of skanky whores later in the show.

Three, two, one, here we go.  Heather is being a bitch and Lydia is not interested in any games.  They screwed up by leaving them, but need to move on. Gretchen is now fake crying and sucking all the joy out of the weekend and making it all about her.  She is hurt.  Poor baby.  Vicki thinks Gretchen is an idiot, and I agree.  The best part though is the poor tour guide who is sitting in the car with them wanting to jump out the window.

Vicki is over it and tells Gretchen to grow up and get over it, to which Gretchen responds by calling her a bitch.  The tour is over and they are now going to hang out by the pool. Why are these chicks wearing heels to the pool? Losers.  Gretchen arrives and gives all the girls a gift bag full of swag, and all the swag is her own crap.  I wonder how many of those things accidentally got left in the hotel room when they left for home.

It is now time for the after school special moment of the episode.  Gretchen and Tamra are going to go on a walk and Vicki is so jealous that she makes fun of it.  Gretchen uses every opportunity she can to tell the camera that Vicki is a whore.  That is going to blow up soon. Gretchen storms off, Tamra is not into the fighting, Tamra goes to support Gretchen, and Gretchen starts up with Vicki’s indiscretions.  Tamra is a bitch.

Tamra throws Vicki under the bus, and Lydia is normal one. Tamra is now crying, and Gretchen is relishing in being the friend chosen to witness Tamra’s breakdown.  In the blink of an eye Tamra is bitching about her horrible childhood and I am laughing my ass off.  This is all to get sympathy so she can get a wedding special, which she did.  I feel for her story, but really?  This is going down at the fake bachelorette party?

We are now forced to watch Alexis and Jim have dinner together. Seriously? NOBODY CARES ABOUT THESE PEOPLE.  They go into the restaurant and want us to think they are regulars.  Really?  They are not regulars because they have no money.  They eat ramen at home.  Alexis is talking about Mexico because apparently “Lydia” sent her a text about all the drama. Alexis wants another baby and Jim is not interested.

The fake party continues and everyone is making nice.  Strippers are coming and Lydia is not interested.  I really like Lydia. They are giving Tamra gifts and I want to cut myself. Heather gives her a pregnancy test and I am laughing because there is simply no way Tamra’s eggs are not poached.  If she has another baby it will be yet another child who will need years of therapy to get over the Real housewives of Orange County.

There are a lot of penises and dildos making their way into the evening so Lydia excuses herself.  Love her.  Heather throws in the token Jew “Oy Vey” and I am done.  Strippers arrive and I do not think it is entertaining or cute. All I can think about is their kids and that is sad.  These strippers are hideous and I would not touch them.  Tamra however seems to be digging it as Gretchen fondles their junk.  They are slutbags.

The party is over, morning has come, and they are all having breakfast in full makeup.  Next week we will see Brianna cry, Heather and Gretchen fight, and Brooks shows up while they are all together with Alexis and Jim.  Oh. My. God.  If this show being shown in prison does not scare people straight, then I don’t know what will.  This show grosses me out, but I watch. Why? Because I’m paid to.  That is keeping it real.

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June 9, 2013 | 8:43 pm

Princesses Long Island: Disrespecting Shabbat

Posted by Ilana Angel

This show is a train wreck in terms of reality TV, and a nightmare if you are Jewish.  It is offensive because with the exception of one girl, Chanel, there is nothing Jewish about these chicks other than the fact that they happen to be Jewish.  They don’t even know what Shabbat is, but we will come back to that.  This show pisses me off but I am watching and blogging if only to let people know this is not what Jewish looks like.

Andy Cohen should be ashamed of himself.  There are people watching this show who don’t know any Jews and will think this is how we are.  Really Andy? You are smarter than this.  It would appear Andy is as conveniently Jewish as these chicks are.  Saying Oy Vey does not make you a Jew.  In the case of these girls, it simply makes you an idiot.  I am going to try to get through this hour without wanting to impale myself.

I want to just say that showing religious Jews walking on the streets of Long Island is ridiculous.  These girls are not that Jewish. I was raised secular as many of them are, and I am not ignorant about my faith like they are.  Granted I became more religious as I got older, but still, this is idiotic and these girls need to stop defining themselves as Jewish, but rather Jew-ish.

We start with Amanda who is so nasally I want to shove my hand up her nose and clear her sinuses.  Joey comes by to apologize for the mess at the pool party.  Joey seems like a nice girl and I think she is much prettier than Erica, who is supposed to be the pretty one. Joey is sorry Amanda’s boyfriend is gay.  Wait, she's sorry he was outed at the pool party, but does not care that he is gay.

Chanel, the only cute and funny one, is taking Ashlee out for drinks in the city.  Ashlee makes my skin crawl.  She is 30 years old and acts like she is 16. She is rude and obnoxious.  Her parents are so ready for her to get married, they don’t care who takes her off her hands, just take her.  God bless Ashlee’s parents for dealing with what they created.

Ashlee and Chanel go out clubbing on what is gay night.  Ashlee is disappointed and Chanel thinks maybe one of them has a nice brother.  I love Chanel.  Casey shows up to join them.  She is a Long Island girl who lives in the city.  She’s pretty and seems sweet, but only stays for a bit and bails. Chanel says in high school Erica stole Casey’s boyfriend.

Back on Long Island, Amanda and Erica are on a double date.  I truly cannot stand these two.  The voices, the laughing, the talking, the breathing, all of it is annoying.  Erica is a slag, Jeff is in denial, Amanda reminds me of Giuliana Rancic, and Rob is watching this show at home and planning how to dump the slut.  I am drinking but it not making it any easier.

Chanel is planning a Shabbat dinner and weekend in the Hamptons, that they are all going to.  Amanda lets us know Jeff is full of testosterone and I cannot stop laughing.  Chanel is visiting with Chanel and we learn Casey is an artist and cocktail waitress.  They are talking about Erica and the heartache she caused her when she was young.

Sidebar:  Everyone keeps talking about how pretty Erica was and I just don’t get it. They are all prettier than Erica.  Chanel lets Casey know Erica will be at the weekend and wants her to come anyway.  Casey agrees to come but makes no promises about how it will go.  Chanel is lovely and tells Casey she can sleep in her room and she will protect her.  Sweet.

All their houses look like they have not been decorated since the 80’s. Joey is visiting Erica and lets us know that Erica is a slut.  Erica is gross and talks with her mouth full.  I am not a fan and could never be friends with this chick.  Ever.  Erica tells Joe that she slept with Casey’s boyfriend, then Joey tells Erica that she also slept with her boyfriend.

Apparently Erica slept with everyone’s boyfriend.  Dear Lord.  Why go on a TV show to be outed as a slut?  Erica is stupid and Joey lets us know that while Erica was a slut in high school, she is still a slut now.  I love me some Joey.  Erica is going on the weekend and thinks if Casey still has a problem with the fact that she banged her love, she is ridiculous.

We meet Casey’s mom who seems lovely.  Casey is stressed out about the weekend and explains that her parents divorced when she was 2, after her father cheated on her mother and left.  Casey has issues that are more about her dad than Erica.  Erica is a slut, and Casey needs to get some therapy, but that has nothing to do with Erica.

It is time for the weekend and they are going on a party bus.  The amount of stuff Ashlee is taking is insane.  She makes sure her dad has the “truck drivers” phone number.  Chanel is hanging out with the wrong girls.  For real. Erica talks about masturbation and we learn that Ashlee never masturbates. There are many reasons these chicks are not married.

The gang has arrived in the Hamptons.  Ashlee cannot carry her own bags so Chanel does it, and then says it is her pleasure.  I love Chanel.  Erica is on the phone to her parents in a second to say the house is worthy of her.  The only thing this show is going to do for Erica is guarantee that she is never going to get married.  There is simply no man that dumb.

Everyone is getting ready for Shabbat dinner and I am amazed at how little they know about Shabbat. These chicks make me sick.  By chicks of course I mean all but Chanel, and occasionally Joey. Casey arrives and ignores Erica, even though Erica wants to engage her.  Amanda is not there because her and Jeff are watching a Judy Garland movie.

There is tension and it is going to go down.  Chanel is guiding her super dumb friends through the prayers and my skin is crawling.  They are disrespectful of the tradition, and of Chanel, so bless her for being so gracious because it is pissing me off.  There is virtually nothing Jewish about them.  Erica is getting drunk and cannot stop talking for one minute.

Erica is rambling on about things that are inappropriate and Casey loses her mind.  Erica is once again talking with her mouth full and Casey blows up, telling her to be quiet and stop talking.  Bravo Casey.  She tells Erica she is ridiculous and weird and everyone sits uncomfortably as they go at it.  Erica starts crying and leaves the table.  Classy ladies.

Casey is now crying and mortified that she ruined dinner, while Erica talks to the man dumb enough to date her, about what is going on.  Chanel is the voice of calm and reason and wants to fix things.  Not happening.  There is a reason Andy is off for two weeks. He knows we’d be calling in to WWHL about how when it comes to being Jewish, this is not keeping it real.

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June 9, 2013 | 6:19 pm

Real Housewives of New Jersey: Bad Editing Rules

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start this week with Teresa and her girls.  Teresa has never looked better and her kids are gorgeous.  They are funny, real kids and watching them reminds me of my sisters and me.  Milania is hilarious, Audriana is a little doll, Gabriella is the classic middle girl, and Gia is like a grown up.  I like these girls, like their mother, and wish we saw the kids more.

Teresa is having the girls make cards for her dad who is having a pacemaker put in.  It is heartbreaking to be a parent, and watch your parents get old.  I feel for Teresa and wish her father health and happiness always. Cut to Melissa, who is with Joe and her kids, who are also beautiful.  They have their realtor come over to see why their house has not sold yet.

I do not understand how anyone can watch this show and not see how vindictive Melissa is.  She works very hard to keep her husband away from his sister and it is disgusting.  She says she goes to church to pray for her house to sell.  Translation:  she goes to church and prays Teresa and Joe never make up so the tension insures her more camera time.

Over to Caroline, Lauren is bitter, miserable, and still living at home. Caroline’s sister Fran is staying with them.  She looks a little like Dina. Albert does not look good or happy.  Caroline tells Albert Joe asked her to talk to Teresa.  Really?  Did I miss that?  Joe did not ask her to do anything. Caroline knows the only way to be relevant is through Teresa.

I don’t trust Caroline, but I remember how she was in the beginning and she was great, so maybe she is trying to be that person again.  Too much has happened to ever get there, but I guess it is good she is trying.  One could also argue that she is not trying to mend fences, as much as she is trying to secure camera time on a show where she no longer matters.

Kathy and Richie are taking their son Joseph for a drive as he is going to get his license.  Richie Wakile is hideous, his wife is boring, and his kids, while lovely, bring nothing to this show.  I honestly have no idea why they are still here.  We then jump to Jac, who in my opinion, is using her son to get sympathy and camera time.  Bless her son, but she is an idiot.

Chris and Joe are playing pool and after Joe does his mandatory sex talk, he asks how Chris and Jac are doing.  Chris says Jac is up late every night doing research on autism.  Really?  Jac is up all night on Twitter being a moron. To hear her speak of her son is heartbreaking and I honestly feel for her, but there is something fake about her that makes it not ring true.

Jac cries, with no tears, and Chris talks of their struggle.  I do not respect Jac, but I will say that I wish Chris, Jac, and their family all the best and I will keep them, as well as all parents who deal with this situation, in my prayers.  Who she is on this show is not who she is as a mother.  I may not like her here, but I wish her and children health and happiness.

Caroline is with Lauren, again talking about how Joe asked her to talk to Teresa.  Sidebar:  for such a huge house, why is Lauren’s bedroom so small? Lauren’s opinion is stupid and of no interest to me.  Caroline going on and on about Teresa is a waste of time. She is not interested in anything but trying to improve her image so she will sell books.  Not happening.

Teresa is getting ready and talking to Juicy.  I know he is a bit of a schmuck sometimes, but I love Juicy.  Teresa and Juicy are hilarious, Caroline and Lauren are boring, and I am pouring another glass of wine.  Kathy and Richie, who are truly revolting, are visiting Victoria who is mortified by her father, and wearing her hair dark, which looks really beautiful.

Kathy looks funny in her interviews.  She is channeing her inner 40’s film siren but it is more drag queen.  Bless her.  Richie and Kathy don’t appear to even like each other, which makes sense because nobody likes Richie.  We then head over to Jac’s house, as they are planning to have people over for dinner. Jac and Chris are talking about autism again.

Is this all they are going to talk about? Listen, it needs to be talked about, just not here.  Over at Melissa’s house, the realtor is showing the house and Melissa and the whole family is home.  Really?  Real Estate 101, don’t have the homeowners home when you show the house.  Melissa is full of crap, not particularly bright, and I am annoyed just listening to her.

Joe is talking about how great his house is, and how expensive it is, while the realtor is slamming the quality of the house upstairs.  Perfection.  Sidebar: Is it just me or does Melissa look a little like JLo tonight?  Sorry JLo! Turns out their house is just like them, fake.  The reason they have not sold their house is because it is simply not that great a house.

Caroline and Teresa meet for lunch.  Oy vey.  They are in a private room and Caroline thinks she is important.  Teresa goes to shake her hand, but Caroline goes in for the kiss.  She tells Teresa Joe asked her to come, and again, no he didn’t.  Teresa says Caroline talking to her is scraping the bottom of the barrel. Bravo.  Teresa is not buying it and is not interested.

Teresa is calm and collected, while Caroline is yelling and aggressive. Caroline is using examples that make no sense.  Teresa is not an idiot. Caroline has lost all control and is now screaming about things that have nothing to do with what she wanted to meet her about.  I am more Team Teresa than ever before, and will not be reading Caroline’s book.

While Teresa is out for lunch with Caroline, Jac is hosting dinner.  Again with the lousy editing at Bravo.  Jac is injected up the ass, and Richie is vulgar.  Chris has been working with a therapist to get Nick to say I love you to Jac.  Just the thought of that makes me cry.  Nick says it and everyone cries, but Jac.  I’m back to thinking she is a tool.

We snap back to lunch with Caroline and Teresa.  Stupid. Teresa is not interested in Caroline’s crapfest.  Caroline’s voice is offensive and she is not the one to be giving lessons here.  She says her brain hurts, which is funny because we never knew she had one.  I freaking love this show and whether or not I am a fan of one lady or the other, they are good TV.

The season is only two weeks in but it is all over the place.  The editing makes no sense, there is no continuity, and it feels like they filmed a bunch of stuff then threw it together without any thought to the fact that we are all watching, and actually paying attention. In the end it does not matter because we are still watching, even if they don’t keep it real.

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