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Vanderpump Rules the Gutter

by Ilana Angel

February 1, 2014 | 8:25 am

I watch this show every week with fascination. I don’t ever recall being this much of a mess in my late 20’s and early 30’s. These grown ups act like children and are train wreck television that you just can’t look away from. Andy Cohen often refers them to as “the kids” but I would like to remind Andy that they are in fact not kids, but rather immature adults.

I don’t blog this show because it is more fascinating than interesting, and the truth is that blogging it is painful. Instead I am just a fan/addict who watches and is constantly surprised at the level of humiliation these people are willing to sink to. This week however, there are things to be said and I need to say them, or write them as it were.

I am not going to recap the show like I normally do because my head might episode, instead just touch on some things that made me roll my eyes, laugh, cringe, and vomit in my own mouth. The entire show is about Stassi finally manipulating Jax into admitting he slept with Kristen. The entire season has been about Stassi getting him to come clean.

Stassi has made it her mission to destroy Kristen. She wants her to suffer and it is sad. People cheat, people lie, and while I understand and appreciate the knife in her heart, Stassi going on and on about the desire to break another human being is uncomfortable to watch. Everyone seems to be on board with her plan which is quite sad.

Stassi is going to confront Kristen and invites the entire cast to watch and tells Lisa she wants Kristen fired. Stassi is deranged. The ambush is on and I am on edge. Stassi has now changed her plan from destroying to crucifying and I am mortified. To say you want to crucify someone is ugly on a whole other level. I don’t want to watch.

Sidebar: Scheana says she can't wrap her head around Kristen doing something so sick to her friend. Really? Scheana slept with a man she knew had a pregnant wife at home, but apparently that is not to be judged as harshly. Scheana is a stupid, dirty, whore and she will lose her man in the same way she stole another. Karma is indeed a bitch.

Like all scripted Bravo reality TV, everyone discusses the plan then Tom and Kristen arrive last. Stassi tells Kristen she knows, Kristen denies, Jax confirms, and I wonder how it is possible that everyone believes Jax, who they have been telling us forever is a pathological and compulsive liar. We are supposed to believe him now like magic.

Stassi punches Kristen and throws a drink in her face, then Kristen and Tom leave denying the sex happened. This is gross. Kristen calls in sick to work while Stassi lets everyone know they must hate and ignore Kristen's  very existence so she will quit. This behavior is disturbing in children let alone mature adults. They are not mature of course, but still.

The “kids” head to the beach to relax. By relax of course I mean it is an opportunity for Stassi to instruct them on why they need to hate Kristen but simply be disgusted with Jax.  Tom turns up and learns it is all true and Jax banged Kristen. There was no kissing however, which is supposed to make it less intimate somehow. Hideous.

Next week is the season finale. Hooray. This show and these people are dirty. Sidebar: If I were wasted and blind I would not have sex with Jax and I’m glad it is coming to an end. If I shower every 4 minutes between now and next season I might get the stench of these pigs off of my eyes. One can hope, but probably not, and that is just me keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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