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The (Un) Real Housewives (Whores) of Orange County

by Ilana Angel

May 22, 2011 | 11:19 pm

Is this the dumbest housewife in America?

We are back in Orange County with the housewhores and thank God that after tonight there is only one show left.  Next week will be the season finale and I would hope that Bravo either dumps this city already or casts it with some ladies who don’t make me want to impale myself with the remote control every time I turn the show on.  Let’s pray.

We start the show watching Vicki and Donn and it’s horrible.  It’s painful and uncomfortable to watch and I wonder if it’s worth it to have the crumbling of your marriage put out in the open for the world to see and judge.  There is no amount of money or fame that would be worth it for me to air my dirty laundry in such a public way.  Fame whores.

Gretchen and Slade are back from her trying to sell her ugly handbags.  Slade is repulsive and Gretchen’s laugh and voice in general make me want to vomit.  I think she is a skanky, stupid, slut who sleeps with men for money and now that Slade has none, is ready to dump him.  For such a pretty girl, her inner ugliness trumps it all and she is a hag.

Peggy and Micah to Vegas for Micah’s birthday with Eddie and Tamra and a couple we have not met before and have no interest in.  The ladies are dressed like hookers, the men are making lames jokes, the hair color of these women looks like straw, and Peggy’s hair appears to never be washed.  Cut your hair, get a longer dress, and grow up.

Back at retched Gretchen’s place, she is telling Slade that she does not know if she can move on with her life with his current financial situation, and his child support is getting in the way of her dreams.  She is passive aggressive, serious, not at all emotional, and essentially dumping him with a cold and judgmental tone of voice and cold stare.

Cut to her talking to the camera and all of a sudden she is crying and upset, babbling about how much she loves him and how hard it is.  I call bull^%$&.  She is faking it for the camera.  She is keeping Slade around because he is her schlepper.  He is gross, she knows it, and she is transitioning him out.  Poor Slade.  He’s knows it and says nothing.

Back in Vegas Peggy gives Micha a book of porn, featuring her, for his birthday.  Her kids will be so proud when they grow up.  Over at Vicki’s, she is home, Don is not, they talk on the phone without hiding any of the venom that each is spewing, and we are watching the collapse of a marriage at the same time we are watching the marriage of a whore.

Alexis is planning her dress unveiling and it becomes very clear, very quickly, that she is dumb as dirt.  Seriously, this chick is a moron.  She is so pretty, and her body is banging, but if having that body meant you had to be that dumb, I would pass.  This chick is so dumb that she is clearly unaware that we are all laughing at her week after week.

Vicki and Tamra are going out for a liquid lunch and Vicki tells her that her marriage is ending.  Vicki is crying about her marriage and saying her and Donn have not had sex in two years, but she will stay in the marriage because she is not miserable.  News flash Vicki, you are miserable.  Miserable in your marriage and also a miserable human being.

She is saying that she prayed to God to fix her relationship and he didn’t.  Really?  God has nothing to do with it idiot.  It was you.  You ignored your husband, put your work first, and your marriage suffered.  News flash, if you want to talk about your marriage, and trying to fix it, Tamra should probably not be your go to girl.  Just saying.

Alexis is having her whore fashion show.  The dresses are the length of a shirt, and seriously look like hooker clothes.  Alexis puts out comment cards and pens on the tables and tells everyone to make notes, but the pens don’t work and when she is told, she blows it off.  Sidebar:  Gretchen’s hair looks like Ellie Mae and she is being a complete bitch.

Vicki does not show because she is in the hospital having emergency surgery but Gretchen is convinced she is faking it.  Cow.  Tamra is getting texts from Vicki and crying about how concerned she is, but does not get in the car and go to the hospital.  This show is really horrible and that these women are on television makes no sense. 

I cannot wait for next week.  Not because I am excited to see what happens, but because I am excited for it to be over.  This show used to be fun and is not revolting.  It’s a bunch of slutty housewives who are allowing us to watch their sad lives and in the interest of their children, the ladies of the OC need to get the axe, and start keeping it real.

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